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 Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 11:22 am
Alex had actually been expecting Yin to be eager to go, eager to leave and go for a run and clear his head then come back so that they could actually talk about this once he was ready to do so. He hadn't been expecting Yin to sound so miserable, like Alex had just kicked him when he was already down.
"Wait, you don't have to..I mean, I don't want you to leave. I just thought it might help. Do you want to talk instead?" He was really just clutching at straws, here, not at all sure what he could do or say to make Yin feel any better. He had already told the boil many times he was happy with things the way they were, that he wouldn't push Yin past his comfort level if the other boil couldn't handle it. He enjoyed holding hands with him, enjoyed hugging him, enjoyed just being near him. He didn't need any of those other things to be happy. He didn't realize that Yin was embarrassed just by what other people might think they were doing behind closed doors. That sort of thing just never occurred to the zomboil, who felt it just wasn't all that important or anybodies business.
But still, if he could say anything at all to make Yin feel more comfortable, he would, and he was struggling to think about what that might be. He tried, and he failed. He was coming up with nothing. Maybe if Yin would just say something, or tell Alex what was on his mind, he could answer him and try to reassure him that there was nothing to worry about. But he just didn't know, couldn't know, what Yin was thinking unless the other boil opened up and told him.
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Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 12:29 pm
This was one of the things that running would probably just make worse, though the longer he thought about it the more appealing it was. Except for, of course, the whole fact that Alexander was pushing him away. Since when did Alexander offer to leave (which would require effort) or try to actually get him to run? He had made it sound like such a bad thing not too long past.
So hearing that he did not desire that he leave helped. Even if Yin was still strung a bit too tight, a bit too tense. He had already started toward the window, so he was no longer facing Alexander when he stopped, trying to decide what he wanted. Perhaps he would try something different. Perhaps he would talk first and then run.
It would be much easier to talk if he was not facing the zomboil.
Though the copious amounts of mirrors on his wall meant that he could still see the zomboil in the reflection. Well, it was time to face one thing at a time. But at least this way he could ask one of the questions that was horrifying him the most. "Did your mother truly think we were doing...those things?" His voice might have rose in pitch on the last couple of words, obviously very distressed at the idea. She had said she did not think they were doing such things, but she had insisted on the lecture earlier, and there was a chance that she had thought so before.
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Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 1:00 pm
Okay, so Yin had stopped, which meant he was considering not leaving, and possibly talking instead. That was new, since from what Alex had seen of Yin in the past, if the other boil was upset he usually liked to just...work it out with physical exercise. And not the kind that Alex's mom had just taught Yin about, either.
Alex was tense, he didn't like this feeling of not knowing how Yin was going to react. He didn't like worrying about saying or doing the wrong thing, because he honestly did feel like Yin might be in a very fragile state right now, and the last thing he needed to do was completely break him.
"Yin just...just come here." He sighed, reaching up to run fingers through his hair as he pushed the bags of food further onto the bed and plopped down on an open space, legs sprawled out in front of him. He waited for a moment before speaking again, looking thoughtful for a moment before saying,
"I think..she might have thought so, yes. I'm sure other people might too but...that's just how some people think. People like to see things that aren't really there, or assume the worst or..." Well, he probably wasn't making his any better, but it was the truth.
"But..but we know we're not doing those things, so what does it matter? I can't control what people are going to think, or what they are going to assume. I can only control my own actions. Right now I'm happy with how things are, even if..even if I led you to believe I might want something more..." He was referring to the kiss statement he had made back on the Isle of War, though he wished he could go back in time and have it so that he hadn't said anything about it at all.
"What I'm trying to say is..don't worry too much about it? Don't...think too much into it, or it'll just make it worse. Try to remember that even if you decide you'll never be ready for anything more then..this..I'm not going to think any less of you or try to pressure you or even leave you because of it. But well...if..if we weren't dating anymore, then people wouldn't think...and if that's what you want....I just want you to be happy..." he was really struggling now, saying words that he really didn't want to say, his chest tightening up and his mouth suddenly feeling quite dry as his eyes fell to his lap. Dimly he was aware that he was giving Yin yet another out, that what his mother had just done might have ruined any chance of Alexander getting to remain in this odd yet comfortable relationship that he'd grown quite accustomed to. He didn't want it to stop, not now, not yet, not when he was finally beginning to feel like Yin was starting to be happy with him, like Yin was not just forcing himself to do things anymore but actually maybe enjoying them as well.
Had he said enough yet? Was that everything?
Dear jack he hoped so.
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Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 2:02 pm
Go there? To the bed with Alexander on it? Though admittedly, it was the only furniture in the room. But now it had taken on an entirely different meaning. Was this was what everything was going to be like now? All of the normal and mundane things taking on new meanings and he was going to need to think about everything before he did anything?
Still, he turned around, even if he did not actually approach the zomboil. It was...well not a step in the right direction, but it was a turn for the better.
No, Alexander was not making anything better. The only thing that was keeping Yin from blushing harder was the fact that he physically could not. Why would people think these things? Why would they want to? Alexander had a point in that they knew what was (or specifically, what was not) happening, but it was still disturbing to the mantodae that others might assume they were...this was making his head swim.
But Alexander was saying that it was okay, and it was Alexander that really mattered did it not? And that he was not going to push for more and he should not worry about it. That he would never try to force him to do something he did not want. Slowly, ever so slowly, he began to relax, blush beginning to fade ever so slightly. He was even about to walk over to the zomboil when Alexander decided not to shut up and accept the good thing that he was causing and decided to just keep talking.
It almost sounded like Alexander was trying to get him to stop being with him anymore. Again. It was bewildering really, and upsetting, and Yin almost felt a bit angry at the same time. He did not stomp over, but he did walk briskly to where the zomboil was, navigating around his legs until he could put a hand under Alexander's chin and force his head up to look up at him. "Would you stop doing that?" he snapped. And then, as the very brief initial anger wore away he was giving him a rather distressed look. "Please Alexander. Please do not let your solution to every problem be the option of me leaving you." Hello kettle, this is pot speaking. "I will never desire that option." Then he began to realize that he was touching Alexander again and quickly tried to remove his hand, back to being embarrassed.
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Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 2:52 pm
It hurt so bad to even think about it, to even consider that what might be best for Yin, to finally make him happy, was to call this whole thing off. To stop being a couple. It wasn't an option he liked to consider, but it was the only one he could come up with that would make things better. What he had said had been true. People were going to assume that, because they were a couple, Yin and Alex were doing things that they weren't actually doing. It had never really bothered the zomboil, but if it bothered Yin so much, then he needed to decide if he could just...deal with it, and remain with Alex, or if he couldn't and they called this thing over.
Alex was staring so hard at his hands, so many thoughts crashing around in his head, that he didn't even hear Yin start to walk over, didn't see the boil, didn't even know he was suddenly so close until he felt that warm hand beneath his chin, tilting his head upwards. Alex looked up at Yin with confusion in his pale grey eyes, not at all accustomed to having the other boil take charge like this. He winced away from Yin's words, not expecting the weremantis to sound so angry over what Alex had said, though at the same time, it made him feel good to know that Yin didn't even consider it an option. "I..I don't want you to leave me, I just don't want me to be the reason you are unhappy." He said, though as Yin tried to remove his hand, Alex may have started to reach out towards it, as though to grab at it and hold it in his own, but then he stopped, fingers curling back into a loose fist as he let his hand drop. If Yin wasn't even going to sit down next to him, he probably didn't want to hold hands at the moment, either.
It was really nice to hear, though, that Yin would never desire the option of leaving, and Alex had to start to smile at that, suddenly feeling a million times better.
"That's good, because I feel the same way. I think I may be growing rather fond of you, really." That small smile tugging at the corners of Alex's lips wanted to turn into a grin, and he couldn't hold it back any longer.
"Speaking of leaving me, though, are you quite sure you want to do the horsemen classes next week apart from each other? We could always just skip out and stay here!" His face brightened at the thought, though he was mostly just kidding around, being his usual goofball self once a serious moment had passed and he felt an awkward need to break the tension with a lame joke.
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Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 4:32 pm
The zomboil was really starting to get to the mantodae. Over and over and over again he decided that the best for Yin was not being with him. Every time he said he was doing it for Yin. But there was the smallest bit of doubt. The idea creeping in that maybe he kept saying it because he wanted Yin to end it all, that tiny seed of insecurity that he tried to push from his mind but seemed to have taken root. He did not desire to leave, but if that was what Alexander wanted, and it certainly appeared so, perhaps he should just give in.
But when Alexander started smiling again those thoughts fled, going to lurk in some small dark corner for the time being. He thought the zomboil might be teasing him as he said he was growing fond of him, and he offered him a tentative smile back, but it was slightly forced, and did not quite reach his eyes.
And of course, as Alexander began joking around, he gave careful consideration to his suggestion. "It is only a week Alexander. Less than that probably. I feel as though the horsemen have much to offer us in terms of lessons." But Alexander had accomplished what he had wanted to, the mantodae was now focused on something other than being awkward.
But he was not completely over embarrassing things, like what he was about to say to Alexander. "But...perhaps we could spend our time together until then?"
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Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 5:37 pm
If Alexander knew that he was giving Yin the impression that he wanted Yin to leave him, he would have quickly said or done anything to prove otherwise. He didn't want Yin to leave him, but he also did not want it to be his fault that Yin was unhappy or uncomfortable, just as he had said. But Yin was smiling back at him now, even if it didn't quite look genuine, but he could put that off as him still being embarrassed from everything that had happened.
And then, of course, he was taking something Alex had said as as joke and giving it serious consideration, which the zomboil really didn't mind as it was just one of the weremantis's many charms. "A week is such a very long time though, don't you remember the last time we spent a week apart?" He said, still offering up a smile to show that he was, yes, still just teasing the other boil, even if he would likely take it far too seriously again. He then gave the other boil an incredulous look, answering his question with. "Of course we're spending our time together until then! Did you ever have any doubt? I mean, I'm sure you could try to get away from me, but I'm pretty sure I could track you down eventually."
"Now come and sit down with me. You're making me nervous. Oh...unless you were still planning on going for a run...I mean, if you need to burn off some energy I'm sure we could find something to do in here. You could show me more wrestling moves! Uh...on the floor of course. We don't need to break another bed."
Yep, as far as Alex was concerned, minus some lingering bits of horrible embarrassment, things were completely back to normal. And Alex was back to jumping from topic to topic, barely giving Yin a chance to respond before moving on.
"Also, I think I ordered way too much to eat, so I hope you're hungry. Some of it might still be okay tomorrow, though."
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Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 7:07 pm
Yin did remember that week. He remembered it because it was exhausting and confusing and awful. He remember that it was when Alexander told him he wanted more than friendship which meant...he probably did want all of those things he kept telling Yin if they never did. Which meant...had he possibly changed his mind? Perhaps he realized that Yin was inadequate in some way.
Okay, now Alexander was being just a bit...odd. Telling him that he would track him down wherever he went if he ever tried to get away. But where would even go away to?
The answer welled to the surface of his mind, a warm place with no technology. No hunters. No horsemen just...no. No he was not thinking about that now. He was not. Thankfully when Alexander rambled it gave him something else to focus on, something else to care about. Wrestling? Where they would try to...oh Great Mantis no. He could see one of the diagrams Alexander's mother had used and he immediately sat down, blush raging back in full force. "I think you are good with wrestling, you probably do not require additional practice."
Food, now food was a subject he could latch on to. "I could stand to eat," he admitted. "When I carried the drutten back and ripped it open I got enough blood to wet my appetite." Really though, two whole bags? He glanced at them and then gave Alexander a look. "I believe next time I shall stay while you order food. There is much more than either of us requires and we cannot spend everything at once." Not even the fact that they had been gone for several days and this was a treat could change his mind on that one.
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Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 7:30 pm
Yin really needed to figure out when Alex was trying to be serious, and when he was just trying to be funny. It would really make for so many fewer misunderstandings and a lot less heartache. Yin was collapsing on the bed beside him, though his face was suddenly beet red once more. Feeling somewhat aggravated with himself for furthering Yin's embarrassment, Alex turned towards the other boil, shifting in the bed, bringing his legs up so that they were bent at the knee's rather then sprawled out straight. He studied the other boil, lips pursed, clearly unhappy about something. He just couldn't decide whether or not to say anything about it, or just drop it. He was leaning heavily towards dropping it, however, so he opted to keep his mouth shut.
And then he changed his mind.
"Look, Yin, if you have something on your mind, just tell me. I'm not a mind reader. I don't always know what you're thinking." Clearly he had no idea what Yin was thinking, ever. Just when he thought he had the other boil figured out, he would do something to completely throw him off. Like putting his hand on Alex's thigh. In public.
"I don't want what my mother told you to change things. I don't want things to suddenly be weird. I understand if at this moment that might be a little hard for you, but please, we only just have these two days and then we have to go back to the isles and I know that I'll at least be spending an entire week being quite miserable." No point in hiding it, really, since it was the truth. He was already miserable just thinking about it.
He could ignore all the delicious smelling food for just a little while longer while he tried to get all of this out into the open, in an attempt to clear things up so that they could go back to being...well, normal for them.
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Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 9:17 pm
This was going to be one of those "subject changes are not applicable here" conversations. He tried not to sigh because even though he had been thinking about it earlier, and knew that they would probably have to talk about th, ings, he really did not wish to. "I also do not wish for things to be awkward," he admitted slowly.
How did he...what did he even say. He had a feeling that the best thing would be to just start talking. Starting with the root of the issue. "What your mother talked about today...was something we do learn about. Not until we are adults. There is..." how to say this, "there is no reason to know this, no reason to learn it. I did not want to know these things yet, and I certainly am not ready for them." Was that a piece of bone on the floor, what an interesting floor. "Someday maybe, but not now. And I know you will not push me but it is still....it is still a lot to consider. But...you seem concerned about it, and me and I do not know how to feel about it and if I am disappointing you and why you keep telling me that it is fine and then the next thing that you say is that I can leave you as if it is not that big of a deal. Like one thing goes wrong and it is simply fine to end everything."
By this point he sounded almost frantic, because he was. What if the one bad thing happened to Alexander, and Alexander was the one that said he was done because Yin could not do what he asked him, or would not? What was he supposed to do if something like that occurred? At some point he had moved so that he was hunched forward, elbows on his knees, forehead pressed to his palm, shoulders hunched so far inward that he could not possibly move them any closer.
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Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 9:49 pm
Okay, this was good. Yin was opening up.
Oh no, this was bad. This was so so so so bad. Sometimes, Alex knew he should have just kept his mouth shut, that he should have just left well enough alone. These were things he didn't want to hear, didn't necessarily want to know.
But on the other hand, they were in fact things that he needed to know, and just because he might not have wanted to hear them, didn't mean he shouldn't still listen and hopefully learn from what Yin had to say.
"But to my mom..there is a reason to learn it, and to learn it early on means you will be better prepared and...and if you're here now, what would have happened when you became an adult? Would you have just figured it out on your own? Would yo have been prepared to ask the questions and be less embarrassed by it? Maybe I'm just having trouble seeing the problem because we were both raised so differently." Alex just shook his head, and rubbed his hand back through his hair, trying to sort out his thoughts.
"As for you feeling that you are not ready to know well...it's a little too late for that I guess. I mean, if I'd known it would upset you quite this much, I would never have let her talk to you about it."
And now the hard part, because hearing Yin say it out loud like this, sounding as frantic as he did, made Alex just...incredibly sorry he had even said what he had, about Yin being allowed to leave him if he wanted.
"I..I didn't mean it exactly like that I..Yin, I..." Words. Why always so much trouble with words in this kind of situation? "I don't want you to...leave me, break up with me..whatever it is you would call it, I don't know. I only said it because it's really the only way people are going to stop thinking we are doing these things that are making you uncomfortable...." okay this part wasn't going so well. Alex was having trouble thinking past the sudden panic rising in his chest.
"Okay, you know what? I've changed my mind. You aren't allowed to leave me. Ever. I'm allowed to say that, right? Because if you did, it would..it would devastate me. And if you are unhappy with something, I will never suggest that you might be happier without me. I'll never suggest you should leave me ever again. Instead, I will just do everything I can, do anything I can, to make you happy instead. Does that sound like a better idea?" He reached out tentatively to place his hand oh so gently against Yin's back.
"You are not a disappointment to me, Yin. You never will be." He murmured quietly, scooting a little closer to the other boil, moving his hand to wrap around his waist now, either not really thinking about it making the other boil uncomfortable right now or not really caring about it.
"You know I'm proud that you are my bonded, Yǐn Cáng..." Yes, the full name always worked wonders, so he was pulling it out now. All the stops, Alex. All of them.
The only way he could have done better then this is if he suddenly produced a shiny new gift for Princess Eva out of thin air.
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Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 11:06 pm
That was probably what they should do, chalk it up to differences. And again, Yin had just had to learn the "normal way" of doing things. But Alexander seeming just so...low key, about it. Maybe it got better after a time, not quite so awkward.
He was trying really, really hard to come to grips with all of this.
Alexander was trying to say something, something that might make sense. He was repeating that he really did not want for Yin to leave but nothing was fully clicking. Until Alexander changed his mind. He was not allowed to leave? He had to stay with him forever, and Alexander would not bring up the idea of him leaving ever again. Alexander was making all of the promises that he should have been making, saying the things that finally, finally made sense to him. He was even touching him, the cool hand on his back a physical reminder that Alexander was different, but it was a good different.
He forced himself to raise his head out of the palm of his hand, turning to glance at Alexander, seeing him move closer and feeling him move his hand across and down his back, settling on waist. Keeping him there. Not a disappointment. Never a disappointment. He was...Alexander was proud to be his.
It was his full name that did him in. Awkwardness and tension just seemed to wash out of him and his shoulders sagged in relief. "Yes you are allowed to say all of that. Mantodae do not even have a word for a break up."
He shifted slightly, not trying to break free of the arm that Alexander had put around him but trying to face his bonded just a bit better. Then he reached out to take the zomboil's free hand. Quickly he brought it up to his lips, pressing a quick kiss to the back of his hand, blushing all the while. He had done this plenty of times to ghouls, but always as a greeting. Never as a gesture to someone he cared about.
"I shall do my best to live up to that, and I will work on the...other things."
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Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 8:01 pm
Alex had just said so much more then he even knew he needed to say. He had made yet more promises, and even admitted to himself finally that he wanted Yin to be his, forever. It might have just been a foolish notion of a smitten 16 year old boil, but to hell with it. Yin was his, and always would be, and he would make sure that no matter what happened, nothing would change that.
Ah, teenagers.
When Yin finally turned towards him, it had made Alex's words soften, had brought a warm smile to the zomboils face. How could he not smile, when faced with the boil he had chosen to be with forever? Even if they already had their fair share of rocky moments, was it all not just worth it to be sitting here like this together at the end? He wanted to pull Yin in close, to hold him as he had promised he would always do, but the other boil was talking, and Alex had to smile even more. And then Yin was moving, turning towards him so he loosened his hold on the other boil, letting him move freely as he wished. He was honestly just surprised the weremantis was letting him touch him at all, considering everything that had just happened with his mom and 'the talk'.
There may have just been the slightest hint of curiosity in Alex's eyes as Yin was suddenly reaching for his free hand, but he didn't do anything to stop him. But then Yin was raising his hand up, bending his face towards it.
Pressing his warm lips against the back of it.
Kissing it.
To say that Alex was completely stunned would have been an understatement. His jaw probably dropped open in surprise, but he quickly snapped it shut again. Yin had just..he had just kissed him. It wasn't exactly how Alex envisioned his first kiss from Yin to be but..it did seem right, after how slowly they were taking things, for it to begin like this. It was another step forward, instead of the fifty steps back he was afraid they had been about to take. He wanted to say something, but Yin had shocked him into complete and utter silence. What could he say? Thank you? He should probably say something, or Yin was going to start to worry.
There were words he could say, words he had the oddest urge to say, but they were words that were not to be used lightly, and not to just be thrown around. At least, that's what Alexander liked to believe, anyways. It was too soon for words like those, and he knew that. So instead he just smiled, and bowed his head a little, before rolling his eyes back to Yin, a warm blush of his own slowly creeping up the back of his neck.
"You always do the last thing I'm ever expecting, Yin. You amaze me."
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Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 10:19 pm
Well, Alexander had not expected that. Yin had not expected to do that when they got back to from the War clan. But it was done, and it was just one more c***k in the armor against physical affection. Not that it was at all likely to happen again for a long, long time. He was back to being nervous, not sure if he had overstepped his boundaries too far. Alexander claimed that he had amazed him, though that could be a "wow! Amazing!" or a "wow I am amazed you did that."
That meant that it was time for a subject change. And thankfully there was an easy one on the bed. "What," he cleared his through, sounding a bit odd to his own ears. "What did you order?" Yes, food was always a good distraction for teenage boils.
Then another thought occurred to him. "Wait Alexander. Before you get the food I have a request for you." And here it came, something that he had been thinking about on and off but always seemingly at the wrong moment. And now for once it would probably be okay timing as they were both together and not in the middle of something. "In the War dormitories you showed me how to access the images of Princess Eva and the others. But...well there are no images of you. I...I thought that perhaps..." he glanced at him, quickly. "If you do not mind they would not be the only ones I shall probably miss during our next class."
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Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 11:50 pm
Clearly Alex meant it as "You are an amazing kisser."
Clearly.
In any case, it appeared that Yin was ready to move on from the 'moment', as it was, and change the subject, in his true weremantisly fashion. Alexander didn't mind in the slightest, because in this relationship, he pretty much took what he could get and was damned thankful for it.
And besides, the topic was changing towards the other love of Alex's unlife, and that was food. Sweet, delicious, food. And Yin hadn't pulled away from him yet, so he still had his arm wrapped around the other boil, which suited him just fine as well, though he wasn't exactly holding on to the weremantis tightly, and Yin could easily slip away if he wanted to.
"Lots of things." He said, with a large grin. "Meat balls, meat on a stick, ribs, steak, brain noodles, candied brains.." The list went on and on. Clearly Alex was tired of rats, and clearly he had not been impressed with the food they had gotten to eat on the Isle of War. He felt like he hadn't eaten in weeks, and he was absolutely starving. The tantalizing scents of the food sitting so incredibly close was drawing him in ever further...
He was suddenly snapped out of his food based fantasies by Yin changing the subject, again. Was the weremantis starting to pick up bad habits from Alex?
"Oh?" He said, blinking in surprise. What kind of request could Yin possibly have of him? He listened to the other boil, attention suddenly focused completely on him. Okay, partially on him, since he was possibly still thinking about the food.
"You..want pictures of me?" He asked, though he felt ridiculously happy that the weremantis had just said he would probably miss him while they were separated. "Ya, we can do that." He grinned happily.
"But uh..do you mind if we eat first? I'm really hungry!"
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