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 Posted: Sat Mar 24, 2012 8:30 pm
He couldn't help but smile a bit as Jordan seemed to find a centre, still completely unphased by the slip in the other man's armour he'd just witnessed. Something he couldn't understand at all, given his usual instincts to rip into any weakness anyone tended to show around him. He wasn't even sure if he could blame the tiredness, if anything the lack of sleep these last few days had made him more offensive.
"Sometimes all you can do is your best, and people if they are worth s**t will understand." He shrugged faintly, eyeing the empty coffee cups, he didn't want to move his hand away, really didn't, but at the same time was terrified of transgressing into that point of awkward. So he did so, with regret, scratching his beard with that hand. He smirked almost playfully, for just a moment looking less tired. "Seriously man. There isn't anyone else on this whole ******** island I know won't patronise me. Won't use s**t against me. And who has an idea what it feels like to live inside a little ******** box of pride you built yourself."
"Your timing couldn't have been better either you know mate. I thought I knew what nightmares were last time we spoke, I didn't have a ******** clue. I do now." Before nightmares had showed up fairly infrequently and rarely continued after he went back to sleep. He'd never experienced the raw visceral terror of going to sleep he currently felt and had to wonder if the others felt like this all the time.
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Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2012 8:36 pm
Jordan glanced over at Rep, smiled wryly. "You're a lot like me, dude. Might not look like it on the outside, but you get me better than most." He half-shrugged. "Different defense mechanisms, but you've got those walls too. Nobody gets in, nobody gets out."
He grimaced sympathetically. "You get used to a lot here, but the nightmares ... I think everyone gets those. Worse after a bad mission." He hesitated briefly - Rep had been leery of contact, skittish with anything even approaching intimacy - but he was tired, lonely, needed to be reminded he was alive and not alone. He reached out and touched Rep's shoulder, left his hand there for a long moment.
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Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2012 9:09 pm
"Always a double edged sword. But I guess we need them, I don't think I could get by without a way of keeping people back." he shrugged "Lot of people want to kick the a*****e around to add a bit to their own credibility." He wasn't that smart but he understood how that was. Step on others to justify yourself.
"Yeah. Missions make it..so much worse. So much." He was tired and he was somewhere beyond anxiety, honestly scared he would never be able to sleep peacefully again. It frustrated him, terrified him. He wanted to ask if it was normal, if this was what he had to look forward to forever. But he was too scared to ask in case the answer was yes. "And the last one was indeed pretty ******** bad." He closed his eyes, just for a few moments and even as he did so could hear the promise of the creature as it dissipated that there'd be revenge.
And then Jordan's hand was on his shoulder.
And he didn't object. At all. Normally his reaction would have been an instant instinctual flinch. A complete lock down on the whole situation. But it wasn't the case this time, and he didn't even ******** know why. He couldn't really put into words even how much something as wholly /simple/ as that touch meant to him. He hadn't had to pay for it, he hadn't had to get anyone drunk, he hadn't had to make it a fight. Just the fact that someone would actually reach out made that tired, angry hollow feeling recede for that moment.
"Thanks man." and he could only cringe at the way his voice outright cracked as he said it and hope to hell the other man hadn't noticed , looking away in shame. ******** hell he couldn't even take a simple gesture well without making it weird.
he shut the angel out, told him to go back to sleep. He didn't need another voice of mockery in his head.
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Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2012 3:06 pm
"I guess people do," Jordan said tiredly. He couldn't - and wouldn't - criticize Rep for needing to keep others at arm's reach, but watching Rep shoot himself in the foot over and over was exhausting and frustrating. "Man, you have no idea how much I just want to summon on some people sometimes."
"They're always worse right after," he offered. "It fades off after a while. Gets - tolerable." He smiled faintly. "You don't want to have to go see the psychological counselor around here. He's ... yeah." There were really no words to describe Killzone. Well, possibly terrifyingly enthusiastic would do it.
His hand stayed on Rep's shoulder for a few moments only, then fell away; he said nothing about the break in Rep's voice, leaving the crack in the man's facade untouched, as Rep had done for him. "It's all good," he answered. "Kinda feeling better. The dream's not so immediate any more." The momentary breakdown had left him feeling raw, but hollowed out, less of the unbearable pressure contained within him.
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Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2012 3:25 pm
The awkwardness he'd been dreading never came, once again leaving him feeling baffled and uncertain why this was the case. All he could do was assume it was something to do with the tiredness that dogged him lately, the sleep he tried to constantly outrun. As his hand was removed though, Rep was simply left with the lingering sensation of touch and a vague hollow sense of disappointment.
He tried not to dwell on it, seeming to re-assert his self control as he returned to his usual matter of fact tone.
"Whenever I want to summon on people, I usually do. I sort of.. ******** lack that little voice in my head that says "not a good idea" until its way too late. Though I've been trying ******** hard though to resist. Even if it means there's a few people who take advantage of that."
At the mention of a councillor, he shook his head. "No worries there though, no shrinks. Never ********. I've been to a ridiculous ******** amount of them. They did nothing for me as a kid, nothing as a teenager, definitely nothing for me now. They just want to ask questions they have no interest in or right to ask. I'm never going to give answers to someone paid to ******** ask them." Though despite this assertion, he was really beginning to doubt his ability to cope with it on his own. He tried very hard not to think about it, he felt too good right now to fret.
He gave Jordan one of his almost playful smirks. "Problem shared is a problem halved and all that. " he took a deep breath and sighed almost with a sort of relief. "I don't feel as s**t either. It's amazing the difference it makes, swear to ******** god, if I could keep you here I could probably even ******** sleep." he laughed, picking up what was apparently the most recent cup of coffee and taking a sip of it, slipping more easily back into his normal self stating teasingly. "You sure you aren't the island councillor?"
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Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2012 3:45 pm
"Might have one after all," Jordan pointed out. "The one in my head generally tells me not to be an idiot, these days. Most of the time he's right." He rubbed his thumb across the band of Ferros's ring; the weapon grumbled sleepily at him, half-awake now and hazy. Are you saying bad things about me?
Depends on your definition of bad, Jordan said.
Ferros huffed at him, amused, and resettled himself with a soft hissing sound, listening now.
"Killzone takes a more active interest in his patients," Jordan said dryly. "His methods are rather unique. But yeah, I never did like shrinks much. I figured I was probably crazy, but I wasn't hurting anyone, so nobody needed to know." He shrugged philosophically. "I'm not sure if it makes me feel saner or crazier that I was right after all."
"I'm not going back to sleep any time soon," he said. "Not till I'm pretty sure I'm not going to fall right back into the damn dream - and oh hell no, I've seen what constitutes normal around here, I have absolutely no intention of inflicting the crazier of the crazy on myself. I see enough of that with the people I hang out with willingly."
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Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2012 3:59 pm
"Maybe. I've just never bothered to listen to it. Death threats are the great ******** motivator it seems." he shifted his gaze fleetingly to the other man's hand, slowly returning his thoughts to Tracey, aware of the angel there in his thoughts, awake but silent like a scolded child told to sit in the corner. "Tracey's...quieter." he admitted. He wasn't sure what was going on with the angel lately, whether he'd finally managed to break him or if he was planning something.
"Kill..zone? Sounds about as mental as half of the other staff on this asylum. I'll be steering clear of that I think. Besides, I'm of the opinion we are all a little bit ******** in the head. You need to be to give up everything and come here. Not that its a bad thing anyway, or anything I'd want to cure. I like the variety. I doubt I'd ever have met people so far out of my bubble if I'd stayed back in Scotland. I'd probably just have ended up in a gutter somewhere with a knife in my back."
he smirked "RIP crazy Rep, killed for selling someone some bad DVDs. Magnificent end."
He couldn't help the faintest broadening of his smile at the news the other man wasn't about to go back to sleep either, misery loved company after all. "And no s**t. I thought I'd seen crazy. I hadn't seen the half of it. I mean, I'd heard Caelius was a few ******** coconuts short of a stall but on the last mission he almost cut one of my team in ******** half for disobeying orders." he twirled his finger in a crazy gesture. "I just hope I never end up that batshit insane. I'm here to fight monsters."
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Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2012 4:43 pm
"They work pretty well, yeah," Jordan agreed. "Nothing like having very limited choices to encourage you to choose carefully." He leaned back on his hands and looked up at the ceiling. "Having too many choices can freeze you up just as bad as not having enough, though."
He glanced over curiously at Rep's admission. "Is that weird for him? Ferros talks all the time, but I know that's not true of every weapon."
"Yeah, and the senior hunters have some pretty bizarre quirks. It's less a question of if you're going to be a little crazy as how you're going to be a little crazy. All in all, I'd rather have the crazy and go down fighting." He laughed. "Things I would never have said before I got here."
"That sounds like Caelius. I think some of his crazy might be his weapon - everything I've seen and heard about Circe, she's weird. Either way, though. Best way to deal with him is not to be noticed if you can help it." Jordan sighed. "There's no question that he's good at what he does, but he doesn't seem to care about anyone other than himself."
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Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2012 5:22 pm
He nodded. "Yeah its pretty weird for him. He's normally a royal pain in the arse, always making snide little comments about my thoughts, acting smug and s**t, winding me up. Since the mission though, says he's avoiding mentioning something or whatever and won't tell me what it is." he could only shrug, he had no idea what the weapon was worried about but he couldn't afford to dwell on it.
Putting down the mug he looked thoughtful. "I wonder if part of the epidemic of crazy around here is down to the weapons. I mean. If Caelius' weapon is crazy and he is, what's to say if any of us ever get that mean we don't go nuts cause of our weapons?" Though he doubted Tracey was very capable of acts of crazy, the angel came across as downright meek and retiring. "There's still a lot of things that are super ******** awkward to do with another person in your head."
"For someone like me, that's pretty ******** maddening. I'm not generally a sharing kind of guy. " he paused for a moment or two, shifting back on the bed to lean his back against the wall rather than sit at the edge. "Did you and Ferros always get along?"
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Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2012 5:44 pm
Jordan's eyebrows went up. "Hopefully he'll tell you sooner or later. Ferros catches some things before I do. Blind spots, I guess." He huffed a sigh, embarrassed. "I'm all right at reading people most of the time, but sometimes I can be really stupid about what I'm doing myself."
He looked thoughtful. "Maybe some of them," he mused. "But I'm pretty sure a lot of the time it's the other way around. As you get stronger, your weapon does, too. Can't really function without a solid partnership, even if there's no actual liking involved." The corner of his mouth quirked sympathetically at what Rep implied next. "As Ferros pointed out when he and I had that conversation, they can't exactly politely leave the room, so it's pretty much come to some kind of agreement or, uh, stay frustrated. You can believe I jumped a mile and yelled the first time he said anything, though."
He nodded to the question. "Yeah. It was pretty weird to be sharing my head for a while, but we seem to be pretty well matched in temperament. We don't argue much. Insult each other all the time, sure, but the same kind of way you bug your friends and give them stupid nicknames. You know."
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Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2012 5:54 pm
"I don't like it really, I feel sometimes like he judges everything I think. There's always this sort of ******** smug tone to everything he says that gets to me. I HATE being patronised man. More than anything else. And he goes on like he knows something I don't. If he wasn't in my head I'd ******** punch him in the mouth."
He almost expected a reaction for this comment but got nothing.
"That's a bit of a relief. I intend to get stronger. I'll do ******** anything I can to do so. I've been beaten so many ******** times since I got here. I have to be one of the weakest links around, I can't do anything right. I assumed it was Tracey's fault, but its seeming more and more like its me." He looked away, clearing his throat. "And yeaaaah. Tracey ALWAYS says things." As if he was out to make a point.
"Sounds like you guys have a way better like.." he sought for the word " compatability? Than Tracey and me. Cause like, I'd rather have a bro than a snobby.." it was really hard to think of terms that weren't "homo" "...a snobby intellectual who is trying to make me doubt and deal with s**t that I ..err..am aware of but don't want to and can't afford to."
< Oh so you were listening to me. >
"All comes back to the same s**t, people trying to fix me."
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Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2012 6:51 pm
Jordan considered his reply carefully; this was thin ice, dangerous territory. "It's hard to have a conversation if either party's not listening," he said after a moment, neutrally, a statement rather than a criticism.
"You're also fairly new to this," he pointed out. "Experience and training will do a lot to help you get better. You get knocked down, you get right back up again and keep going - that determination will get you through a lot. Listening to the way it feels to fight with Tracey helps too. If you pay attention, you can sort of feel the way he wants to be swung. Not, like, talking about it. More like the way you remember how to ride a bike or swim, that kind of knowing."
"We've got an agreement - Ferros can listen, but he has to shut up." He smirked, caught between embarrassment and amusement that yes, they were talking about this, stop snickering, Ferros.
"Compatibility?" he mused. "I couldn't say why. It just fit. He's part of me now." He gave Rep a thoughtful, curious look. "An idea that can't stand up to being questioned is an idea that really should be questioned," he said. "If it breaks the moment you doubt it, what good's it doing you? Something's going to break it eventually, and if you don't know what's in there it'll suck to deal with."
Cautiously, watching to be sure Rep wasn't going to get offended about it, he moved to lean against the wall himself. "Being fixed is for dogs," he said with a grin.
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Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2012 7:11 pm
"Its so hard to listen though when he's so insufferable." he all but pouted "Though I suppose you have a point. I erm.. I also don't like listening to him too much in fights either." Again he cleared his throat, a nervous little habit. "Its the err. Whole charge thing." he shuddered, hoping Jordan had some idea what he meant. "I lose focus regardless because he can't keep his ******** cool. And I'm leery of letting him have too much control either because I don't want to do anything like /him/."
He was dimly aware that he was blushing again, something that being as pale as he was wasn't something he could conceal in the least. "Yeah well we haven't come to any sort of agreement on that sort of s**t. Its sort of a bone of contention still." Smooth ******** choice of words, he thought in retrospect.
should question it> Rep actually twitched at this comment. If Tracey was there, he possibly would have tried to strangle him.
"Nah man, its one of those things where you start thinking about it too much everything ******** comes unravelled. I can't afford to be dealing with silly s**t when armageddon is hanging over all our heads, I need to be in the zone for training and stuff. Its not important."
He didn't object though to the other sun moving back a bit, it was way more comfortable to sit like this, he didn't blame him. "And yeah exactly. I am what I am, you don't mess with perfection." even he couldn't keep a straight face as he said that. "Even if its attitude might suck."
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Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2012 7:44 pm
"Ah, yeah. Ferros gets all ... nonverbal." The dragon's state of charged excitement might not be quite the same, but the response translated much the same way. Jordan looked up at the ceiling and failed at not blushing also. This would be a good time to drop the subject. Yep. Moving on now.
He shrugged a little. "Just saying. Easier said than done, too. God only knows I've got some issues I don't want to examine too much." A small, wry smile. "Time enough to introspect later if the world doesn't end."
He snorted at the comment about perfection. "I don't know, dude, maybe you don't have enough tattoos," he said cheerfully.
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