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 Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 5:55 pm
Jerry stared at the path as they moved along, mindful of tufts of grass and slippery sandy patches. "It's... it's my fault, really." He said quietly, finally slowing once it seemed his anxiety had been walked out. Once you... said it. And it was out there. It was easier to discuss. And he wanted to feel better. He wanted to be himself again. But it was... difficult. He'd never had to bottle something like this before, and he kept feeling like he needed a needed a bigger bottle.
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Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 6:11 pm
Jordan shook his head. "It's not your fault," he maintained. "Nobody held a gun to her head or anything. It's on her. Not you." He moved carefully on the uneven terrain. Was the sound of the ocean and the smell of salt and sand as much a comfort to Jerry as it always was to Jordan? He hoped so.
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Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 6:16 pm
"No... no it is my fault." He kicked a rock, happy they were now officially alone to talk about this. It felt good, even, getting it off his chest. "It's always... been like that with me. That's why I've never really made it past the first date... if I even get there. I'm just too... too..." He wove a hand about his temple as though to illustrate what he didn't want to admit out loud, "And... and who wants that? She... she needed an escape from me I guess."
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Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 6:44 pm
"We're all kind of weird upstairs, here," Jordan said. "That you're here at all proves that at least a good part of the crazy wasn't actually crazy at all. You know?" He bent to pick up a rock, rolling it in his fingers thoughtfully. "Even if she didn't want to stay, nobody forced her to cheat. It was a shitty thing to do." He chucked the rock out over the beach, towards the water.
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Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 6:51 pm
Jerry watched it go before walking out closer to the sand before sitting where they could watch the waves at least. "I don't... don't know how long it's been going on. I... I haven't spoken to her since." He slumped, hugging his knees.
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Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 7:04 pm
Jordan sat down beside Jerry, ignoring Ferros's grumbles about sand. "Do you want to talk to her?" he asked. There was another stone near his hand, smoothed by the waves and striped with subtle greenish greys. He picked it up, absently turning it over in his hand.
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Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 7:08 pm
"Yes.... and no. I don't know what I want." He rocked gently, eyes closed as he listened to the sounds of the ocean.
He remembered the calming effect they had had not so long ago when she and he had tumbled across this same beach together... and for once in his life he had really felt like a man.
"I thought I loved her. I don't know if... if she ever felt the same. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I was just... desperate for the attention."
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Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 7:17 pm
Jordan set the rock back down on the sand, staring out at the ocean and ignoring the faint, dull ache behind his ribs. "Don't put yourself down too hard, dude," he said, and looked over at Jerry. "Do what you want to do. When you figure out what that is." He smiled sadly. "Ferros keeps telling me I overthink things. I bet you do, too."
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Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 7:29 pm
Jerry fell quiet, just rocking gently to the rhythm of the waves. After a while he spoke up again, "I... I know I need to... need to get over this. Fast. There's... there's no room to be emotionally compromised in our work. It'll... it'll get me killed. Which... which is why I left."
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Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 7:42 pm
"Get over it, or live with it," Jordan sighed. "I'm about to give you some terrible advice. On-duty, if you can separate the concept of the person from the concept of the Hunter, you might be able to deal better. Feelings are for spare time." He flopped back to lean on his elbows, looking up at the darkened sky and wishing he could see the stars.
Ferros stirred in the back of his mind, reminding Jordan silently of his presence.
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Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 8:05 pm
Jerry rocked a few more times before laying back on the sand as well beside his friend, curling up miserably, "Easier said than done, Alpha." Somewhere in the back of his mind, he remembered the awkward moment they had had... although he still seemed in denial of Jordan's confession. They hadn't talked about it much. But he couldn't have been serious about it. There were hundreds of better guys in the hunter ranks.
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Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 8:08 pm
"I know." Jordan looked over at Jerry. "Funny how the easy part of the job is fighting horrific monsters, rather than the part where you have to deal with other humans. We're all screwed up in the head here, I think."
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Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 8:09 pm
"Humans are.. very complicated creatures," Jerry smiled softly, pursing his lips as he seemed to debate something.
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Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 8:15 pm
"You got that right," Jordan said ruefully, and chuckled. He let himself flop back onto the sand completely, linking his fingers together under his head. He'd get sand in his hair, but that wasn't nearly as annoying an occurrence as it had been when he'd kept it long. In a couple more hours he could go take a proper shower, wash off the frustration and sweat and exhaustion, and rinse out the sand.
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Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 8:19 pm
"Jordan?" He finally murmured, swallowing a bit before venturing, "How... how d-did you know that you were.... g-g-gay?"
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