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"Eww." Jerry was a zombie. That explained the smell. "Well I'm glad you got better, at least. I'm sure she's glad, too. SO LET'S SEE.."

Music. Active. Perfectionist. Candace sounded like.. a marvelously typical girl. And typical girls were the easiest to please. You used typical methods with them to get the best results. "All right, this'll be easy. Well. Maybe not easy.. it's not like we've got a corner store outside of here do we? HAH."

He smacked the boy in the shoulder again. Jerry may leave the room with more injuries than he came in with. "First things first, coffee's a good start. I mean, you shouldn't take her out for coffee, you should bring coffee TO her. Like a gift, okay? So get yourself a nice, sweetened cup and wander over to her dorm. Then, you sit down, and you have a nice chat. The ladies love to chat, man."

He eyed Jerry carefully, and then clarified. "Now when I say chat, I don't mean sit there and gab about yourself. The girls, they wanna talk about themselves. They want to tell you every goddamn detail of their day until your head is spinning from how many different colors of nail polish there are. And they want you to look like that's the most interesting s**t you've ever heard. So practice your interested face, and get ready to ask her lots of questions about herself. What does she like, what doesn't she like, where does she like to be touched, all sorts of s**t."

Robert scratched the back of his neck, thinking hard about what the facility provided for them in terms of romance. "You can't really take her out to dinner, I guess, but I mean, eating together is kind of romantic. So try to find a good time when the caf is empty, and bring her down there after listening to all that bullshit she's gonna spew at you. Then go down and make sure you ******** hold the chair out for her. Stand up if she's leaving the room. And hold her tray for her when you're walkin' back and forth. You know, romantic s**t. I'm sure you can figure it out."

Robert's eyes widened to saucers. "OH s**t I almost forgot! The most important thing - you have to compliment her like crazy. Tell her she looks beautiful as many times as you can. Lean in and smell her hair, and tell her she smells so good it makes you wild. Look her straight in the eyes and fall in to them, and tell her that you can't believe how lucky you are."

Was Robert getting a little less cocky, and a little more nostalgic? Was he telling Jerry how to woo a woman, or was he just.. sitting there thinking about Petra? It was getting hard to tell.

"Hold her hand, and kiss it, and remember to really notice how soft it feels. Not like your hands. Girl's hands are so soft."

Robert snapped out of it, as that particular line was a little too gay even for him.

"And yeah. s**t like that. And tell her she has a nice a** too."

Ruined.

Robert's grin was as wide as his face. "OH, MY LITTLE JERRY." His heart clasped against his chest and he sniffled. "ALL GROWN UP AND BANGIN' CHICKS. THIS IS THE PROUDEST DAY OF MY LIFE."

Several bouncy laughs escaped him before he wiped a tear from his eye and finally answered. "Honestly, I haven't even thought about contraception since I've gotten here. I don't wanna think that these people have done anything to stop us from knocking each other up, but the fact is, I haven't used a condom since I've been here. If I were you, I'd just uh, pull out of the harbor before it's too late, you know?"

God, he hoped Jerry knew. He was not in the mood to have a detailed sex talk with the man - Jerry was older than Robert for Christ's sake! Someone HAD to have told him about this s**t.. didn't they?

"Or, if you're really worried? I bet you could ask one of the geeks over at the science department if there's a health facility. They're sure to have some condoms stocked in there - and if they don't, then either they're stupid as s**t, or they DID do something to us."

The idea that the facility may have done something started to make him uncomfortable, and angry.

"Jerry." Robert put his hand on the man's shoulder AGAIN, but this time gently. His face was very serious. "It's never too early to be prepared. If you're gonna get some wrappers, you better ********' get them before your date. You gotta understand something, bro. We are trapped in this place. Together. Just the lot of us. Ain't nothing coming to give us a better deal. If Candace has realized this.."

He pulled his hand away and whistled. "Well, all I can say is good luck. And don't let her get too kinky with you or nothin'. That's where I draw the line, man. Ain't no woman doing anything to any part of me that ain't meant for the good deed. Read me, tiger?"

Robert looked impressed. It wasn't hard. "Say, that's a real good idea. See, I knew you had it in you, you don't need no help! Write her a nice song, you'll woo her so hard she won't know what hit her. Chicks dig that crap. Don't worry about the details like pianos n s**t, just do it A cappella."

Robert had to clear his throat suddenly, as a distraction from the fact that he knew what the phrase A cappella meant.

"Uh, anyway, that's a great idea. Go for it."

Robert was glad he and Jerry had this talk. He hoped he'd helped the guy in his quest to get some, and he felt accomplished.

However, as soon as Jerry turned his sights onto the idea of forming a singing group, Robert felt he had done enough good for one day.

He stood, and gave Jerry a big, toothy smile.

"Get the ******** out of my room now."

Robert picked Jerry up by his waist even as he continued speaking, opened his door, set the man down on his feet, and shut the door in his still-talking face.