Welcome to Gaia! ::

Me too.

I've tried many times. I've tried doing events long after everyone has pretty much left. I really just don't have it in me anymore. I can't keep trying for nothing anymore.

I remember these. Hehehe

Oh memories... I treasure you all here.
-He holds his hand to his heart-

Oh stop ;-; <3

I'm already hormonal enough D;

And since we're hitting nostalgia land, have some old writing bits from back then too! :] Lavi and I had a fairy tale trade one night.

Ohyou ;-; <333333

Well...I guess I can share some things I wrote, too...

Here is one I wrote for Road. I don't think I ever showed anyone else...It's kind of sad, so beware. Just a little short story..



The Dream’s Regret



“Chéri, wake up..,” Vincent whispered his usual morning greeting to his wife.

The sun was rising, golden beams casting harsh shadows across the walls. The window was open, a light breeze fluttering the thin muslin curtains. The birds started twittering, but Road was slumbering soundly. She had been up late into the night, the pregnancy causing her to have tiring insomnia. Vincent brushed a strand of indigo hair away from her lightly tanned cheek, pressing his lip gently against the warm flesh. Giving a small smile, he rose from the depths of the soft bed, leaving Road to rest a while longer.

Crossing to the window, he cast his eyes out onto the back garden. Spring had finally come, the rose buds creating a rainbow of color through the garden beds. The sweet, musky smell of the luminous flowers lifted on the air, reaching through the open window. The scent unfurled it’s reaching vines under Vincent’s nose, and he gave a small, contented sigh as he slipped into the bathroom.

Standing in front of the mirror, he looked at himself for a long moment. He was such a contrast to his wife, it made him laugh a little. He looked into his own spring green eyes, perfect almonds in their shape. Raising a hand, he stroked his fingers through his smooth locks. While Road’s hair was dark in color, his own was such a rich, golden blonde that it shone almost as bright as the sun’s rays at times. Soft, natural highlights accented the handsome features of his face. He wasn’t a classic gentleman, but he had his own boyish charm that was very difficult to ignore.

Even with his dashing looks, Vincent had never been a vain man. As rich as he was and as he had grown up, he was really very down to earth. Perhaps this is what made him and Road such a perfect pair. She was spoiled and knew it, but Vincent did nothing to decrease her bratty nature. If anything, he probably encouraged it. How could he not though? She deserved ever but of the pampering she received. Outsiders would say she was an intolerable pain, but Vincent knew better. He saw a side of her no one else ever would.

Having been totally lost in though about his perfect wife and their growing babe, Vincent hadn’t noticed the young woman next to him. She had been leaning on the counter for some time, a small hand under her chin, her dark, half-lidded eyes staring at him. A small smile brought up the corners of her mouth as a soft giggle escaped her.

“Hm, what were you dreaming about this time~?” her voice was amused at her dear husband.

“Ah, mon belle,” he sounded a little surprised, “Good morning,” he smiled back at her, the happiness going all the way to his eyes.

“You didn’t answer my question~” She persisted, reaching up to wrap her arms about his neck. “Was it about the baby~?” She closed her eyes and hung off him, swaying and humming softly.

“Right again, chéri,” He rested his hands on her hips and followed her swaying.

“A watched pot never boils, Vincent~” She gave another cute laugh.

“You know, but I can’t help myself. I’m too excited.”

It was true. He was very excited at the prospect of his first child on the way. True, it was only a few months into the pregnancy. Road was barely beginning to show, and there was still a long way to go until the due date. However, Vincent found that it was occupying almost every thought that played across his mind. He knew that dwelling on it would slow the passing of time, but it was still difficult. He tried to occupy himself with his art, but it was no good.

“I know you are, Vincent..,” her voice trailed off, some of her sprightly morning gleam fading.

As excited as Vincent was, Road had barely felt anything. Sure, she was a little happy, looking forward to the new experience with her husband. But in truth, most of what she felt was only what she soaked up from him. In actual fact, she was very frightened about what was coming. It terrified her, the thought of becoming a mother so soon. It felt almost wrong to be creating a little life when she had destroyed so many in the past. She felt hypocritical.

“Everything will be well, Road,” Vincent had caught the change in her voice.

It bothered Vincent to know that it caused Road this much trouble. The pregnancy hadn’t been planned after all, and this was much sooner than either of them had anticipated. But even though the pregnancy had come as a huge surprise, Vincent was still content. He only hoped that Road’s feelings would grow to match his own.

“I’m just fine, Vincent,” She patted his cheek to reassure him, “Really,” she added for emphasis.

“Hm…let’s have some breakfast. You must be hungry,” he bent down to scoop her up, supporting her under her soft rump, legs on either side of his hips. He wouldn’t be able to pick her up this way much longer, and he had taken to carrying her around often, and quite needlessly.

“Viinceeeennt, I can walk you know!” Road pouted at his ridiculousness. She understood that he wanted to cherish these moments before the baby came, but it made her feel like she was becoming some disgusting, fat hippo. He better get his time in before it gets to the point where I crush him in bed every time I roll over…she thought moodily.

“I know you can, but I like to carry you,” he rubbed her back gently, the silk of her little night dress smooth under his palm. “Humor a silly husband,” he chuckled a little.

“Mmm,” She responded with an irritated huff, but put up no fight. This was one thing she wouldn’t get her way on, and she knew it.

Vincent carried her down to the dining room and ordered the cook to make them some breakfast. For the time being, Road’s crazy cravings had ceased, but now there was a range of things she couldn’t eat lest she get sick at the table. Many of the things had been found out about the hard way, resulting in many ruined tablecloths.

“I’ll get your vitamins ready,” he told her as he set her on her chair.

“Aw, Vincent! Do I really have to?” she wrinkled up her nose in distaste, letting out a groan. “You’re killing me this morning!” She crossed her arms on the table, resting her chin on them and closing her eyes to a squint, puffing her cheeks out.

“Belle you know what the doctor said. You’ve got to take them if we want the baby to be strong and healthy when it’s born.”

“Well what if I want a wimpy baby!?” she exclaimed.

She knew she was being silly, but she despised those icky vitamins. They were so big, and she had to chew some of them. She’d tell anyone who would listen what she thought they tasted like, and let it be known she never bothered to be polite about it.

“Oh, don’t be so silly,” Vincent laughed a little and handed her the vitamins with a glass of water.

“Uugh,” Road made it known that she was in a foul mood now, taking the vitamins one by one, scrunching up her nose.

“I know you don’t like it, but it’ll be over soon,” Vincent kissed the top of Road’s head.

“Not soon enough..,” she muttered grumpily, but relaxed a bit at his kiss.

She really was lucky, having Vincent to take care of her. He was really the sweetest man, and he did everything he could to ensure Road’s health, happiness and safety. As Vincent sat across the table from her, she watched him fondly, finding that her hand had made its way to rest on her abdomen. Her body was already changing, her breasts having plumped up a bit, becoming tender. Now on top of that, her tummy had finally started to grow. She was already fretting about her size, feeling like she was bigger than a cow. It won’t be forever though, right baby?

“Now it’s my turn to wake you from your daydream,” Vincent smiled, watching her.

“Yes, I know,” she smiled a bit, sincerely hoping that she’d grow to love the little thing inside her soon.

After all, it was Vincent’s child too, and she loved Vincent. So shouldn’t she love baby, too? But she didn’t really have that mothering instinct. It made her feel guilty that she didn’t, and she wondered if she’d really be able to raise the little thing the way it deserved. I shouldn’t be a mother…I’m supposed to destroy the human race…

“Eat some breakfast, Road,” Vincent encouraged her.

“I don’t know…I’m not feeling hungry..,” Road’s eyes looked right through the food. She had lost all her appetite in an instant, her mood swings worse than ever.

“Alright…maybe you should go rest again,” He suggested.

“Yes…ok,” She nodded and rose from her seat, wandering off into the hallway.

Vincent sighed and looked down at his own food. He didn’t very much feel like eating now either, but he forced himself to try and finish his breakfast. There’s still such a long way to go before the baby comes…I hope Road can handle this…

As Vincent was about to put a piece of egg into his mouth, he heard something he wished he would never hear again in his life. Everything was shot into a state of slow motion as a horrible scream reached his ears.

“Viiinceeeent!” Road’s pleading cry echoed down the hall.

Vincent’s fork slipped from his hand, floating down to the floor as he stood, pushing back the immense weight of his chair. It was in his way, and it seemed like a huge obstacle in his rush. Time was ticking by at a snail’s pace, and Vincent felt like he was suffocating. His feet thudded on the wooden floors with each step in his dash for the source of the yell. Reaching the hallway, his head slowly revolved to see a figure on the stairs.

Road’s mouth was open in her yell, her eyes shutting as her body eased backwards from the top landing. Her arms were out to the side, trying to grasp the banister she couldn’t reach. Her body began sinking lower, her feet pulling away from the ground as she fell. Time was still trickling by like a broken tap, dripping, dripping, as her body reached the steps below her, slamming against them. There was a sickening crack made by her rib cage, some of the bones snapping as her body bent, her legs flipping over her. She continued crashing down the staircase, like a one of her rag dolls.

All Vincent could do was watch in horror as his wife plummeted down each step, her body getting bruised with each twist and turn. He ran to the bottom of the stairs, time snapping back to the normal pace, but it wasn’t fast enough. She was already in a heap when he reached her, and it was too late. Her body was repairing itself, her ribs crunching as they snapped back together. Her arm moved from its awkwardly bent position to right itself underneath her. Everything seemed to be fixing, except one thing…

Underneath the skirt of her night dress, a pool of dark blood was accumulating.

“Road! Road, chéri!!” Vincent’s yell was strained as he picked up her cheek in his palm.

Road was out cold, and the blood was continuing to flow. Why wasn’t it repairing? Everything else had been fixed, shouldn’t this fix too? But it wouldn’t…it wouldn’t repair. Vincent’s eyes leaked tears as he yelled for one of the servants to get the carriage ready as quickly as possible. He picked Road up from the floor, cradling her in his arms. The blood was beginning to get on his shirt, but he didn’t care about that. He just wanted to get Road to a hospital fast.


* * *


“What are you talking about!? There’s no time for paperwork!! I don’t care who’s in front of us!!” His temper that rarely showed itself was coming out in full. She still hadn’t woken as they made the rushed ride to the emergency room and Vincent nearly killed the nurse that was at the counter.

“Sir, you’ll have to wait just like everyone else, I’m sorry,” the nurse tried to calm Vincent down.

“No!! I won’t wait!! My wife…my wife, she might DIE!!” Vincent spat at the nurse, starting to hurl curses in French.

“Oh, belle…belle chéri…don’t die…please, don’t die,” He buried his face in Road’s small form, sobbing onto her limp body.

“Please, miss…please, she needs to see someone right away,” Vincent pleaded, “I can pay you whatever you want! I promise you, I can pay for whatever it takes! Please!”

“…Alright, sir…just one moment,” the nurse sighed a little and called a doctor out to take Road right away.

Vincent sighed and clung to Road, his whole front covered in blood now, some of it on his hands. What was happening? Why hadn’t she healed this part too? Vincent didn’t know, but he knew that it wasn’t anything good. Belle…my sweet darling…

The doctor took Road away from Vincent on a stretcher, and he felt like his heart might explode from the pressure. Seeing her get carted away like that sent an aching through his entire body. He tried to breath, but his lungs were only taking in shallow breaths. Looking down at himself, he saw the real extent of Road’s injury by the amount of blood that he was covered in. His hands were glistening with the deep red liquid, and he nearly retched at the sight. Covering his mouth with his arm, he held his stomach and bent over, gasping for air.

Another nurse soon came along to take him to a private waiting room, where he could get cleaned up. They had found him another shirt, and there was also a man waiting in the room. Dressed in fine clothes with dark skin matching that of Road’s, there sat Tyki Mikk. His fingers were clutching a lit cigarette, and his other palm was covering his eyes.

“T…Tyki? What are you doing here?” Vincent’s voice was hoarse and he wiped his eyes on his sleeve.

“I arrived at your home for a visit, and one of the servants told me what happened. They said I could find you here,” he let his hand drop to reveal his golden eyes, which were void of any emotion at the moment.

“…They took her…into a surgery room…,” Vincent bit back the tears that still wanted to fall.

Tyki nodded and took a drag from his cigarette, inhaling deeply to feel the nicotine course through him. Maybe it would numb him, so he wouldn’t have to feel. Vincent turned away and bit his tongue, slowly unbuttoning his shirt to get rid of the stained item of clothing. He didn’t want it near him; he didn’t want to see it. It had her blood on it, and he wouldn’t be near it. Taking the shirt off, he wiped his hands on it and tucked the clean one under his arm before exiting to the bathroom, leaving Tyki to smoke.

Once Vincent entered the bathroom, his resolve broke instantaneously. Falling to his knees, he hunched over and sobbed onto his lap, hugging himself as he gasped for air. It was all a blur, what had happened. He was barely aware of anything as his head spun, images of the blood and the sound of Road’s cracking ribs toying with his mind. A wave of nausea hit him like a truck and he quickly threw himself over the toilet, retching up what bit of breakfast he had eaten. His head was swirling as he tried to stay conscious, dizziness trying to take him over.

After a long while, his sobs stopped coming, and he was able to clean himself up and put on his fresh shirt. With a heavy heart and lead-filled limbs, he went back into the room where Tyki had fallen asleep, the now dead cigarette hanging between his lips. Sitting down on a chair, he closed his eyes and tried to remember all the wonderful times he and Road had together. Nothing was coming to mind though, and this troubled him. All he could see was the blood, and it was making him sick.

After a number of hours, the doctor came in. Tyki was still asleep, but dreams had evaded Vincent. For the first time in a long time, he hadn’t been able to rest. It was because of Road. She wasn’t with him.

“Oh god, how is she? Is she alright?” Vincent sat up when he saw the doctor.

“…She’s just fine…but..,” the doctor’s tone was tinged with bad news.

“What? What is it?” Vincent stood up, hands shaking a bit, tears pricking his eyes, afraid of what he was about to hear.

“I’m sorry, sir…there was nothing we could do...,” the doctor sighed, “We lost the baby.”

In that instant, Vincent felt something in him snap in two. Was it his heart? Road was just fine, but the baby...

“The…baby…,” Vincent repeated back, his face going pale.

“Mn…eh? What happened?” Tyki stirred, awakening and sitting up to see the doctor looking sympathetic, Vincent as pale as a ghost. “Oi, what’s going on? Is my niece alright?”

“Mrs. Devereux is just fine, but…I’m afraid we lost the baby,” the doctor informed Tyki.

“Oh, no...,” Tyki looked at Vincent, who was unmoving. “Thank you, doctor…I think if you could just give us a moment. Will we be able to see her soon?”

“Yes, in an hour or so someone will come get you,” He nodded and left the room.

“Vincent..?” Tyki got up and crossed to the man, who was still frozen.

Vincent was totally in shock at what the doctor had said. Was that where all the blood had come from? The baby was gone…Vincent just stared at Tyki, his mouth open a little. He didn’t know what to think right now. He was glad that Road was alright…but the baby…He sat down again; Just sat, for an entire hour, until it was time to visit Road.


* * *


When he entered the room, Road was sleeping, several monitors plugged into her, keeping track of her vitals. She looked perfect, but Vincent knew that something was different. The glow she had when she was pregnant had fizzled out. Of course, she still had her own sheen that she always had. But there was no motherly glow coming from her now. Vincent moved beside the bed, sitting in a chair. He reached his hand to take Road’s, squeezing it a bit and leaning to give her a kiss on the cheek. However, no words came with his kiss.

Road stirred a bit, opening her eyes to look at him, “Vincent…,” her voice sounded a little weak, but it was happy. Vincent just smiled a weak smile at her.

“What…I fell…didn’t I? Am I at the hospital?” She felt the IV drip in her vein.

“Yes, belle..,” Vincent nodded.

“Oh, Vincent…I’m so glad you’re here…but why am I here? I’m a Noah…didn’t I heal?” she frowned a bit, wondering what the matter was.

“Yes…you healed…but..,” Vincent sighed and closed his eyes.

“What? What is it?” Road put her hand to his cheek, stroking it and brushing bangs away.

“Belle…the baby...,” he opened his eyes to look at her, “The baby didn’t make it…”

Road was probably more shocked by the news than Vincent had been. She hadn’t even thought of the baby until that moment, and hearing that it was gone was something she couldn’t even comprehend.

“What..? It’s gone? It…died…?” her voice was disbelieving.

“There was nothing they could do…the fall…it caused you to miscarry,” Vincent reached a hand to stroke her hair.

Vincent was upset about what had happened. Naturally, he had grown attached to the little thing that was growing inside Road. But after a long time to think, he realized that it may be for the better. He came to see it as a sign that it wasn’t meant to happen this quickly, and had already begun to accept the results of the incident. Sure, he would be sad for a while, but he’d be ok. He wondered how Road would feel about it…

Road shifted in the bed, her hand moving to her stomach. It’s gone…baby’s gone…She felt like something inside her had been snuffed out. In reality, something had. The baby had died, its little beginning of life coming to an abrupt and early end. Her chest was tight, and she felt a stinging in the back of her throat that meant tears were coming. She did her best to be strong and bite them back. What was she crying for? She hadn’t even been excited about the baby before. But now, after losing it…she felt empty.

She realized that she had been far more attached to the little thing than she thought. She had loved it, and while she had been scared, she was truly happy. Now that the baby was gone, she began to feel useless. She was needed before, ever since they found out the results. Something relied on her for food, protection; something relied on her for its entire existence. Not anyone, not anything had ever relied on her like that before. The loss made her see that she enjoyed knowing there was something that couldn’t live, literally, without her. She wiped her eyes on the back of her hand and kept down her sadness. She had to keep up appearances for Vincent’s sake. He’s probably devastated…

“Are you alright, Belle?” he asked her with a smooth tone of voice.

“Yes…I’m alright, Vincent. It was too soon anyway,” she put on a mask for him, hiding her true feelings. She didn’t want him to feel her sadness. She’d get past it just fine.

“It’s upsetting…but there will be another, hopefully in another year perhaps,” Vincent was positive about it.

Road nodded, “Vincent…I’m tired…but will you stay with me?”

“Of course, belle. But I’m paying to have a private nurse at home, so you can stay in our own bed. It’ll be better for you,” he assured her.

“Oh, yes, that will be much better,” she was relieved to hear that she could go home.

With that, the staff helped her to the carriage and she went home with her husband, her body feeling lighter, but her heart heavier than it had ever been before.


* * *


It had been about a week since Road’s incident, and she was fully healed, everything back to normal again; At least, as normal as it could be after you miscarry your first baby. Sherrill had been informed, and had visited with her, staying the first few nights. Soon though, Road told her father to go home, and he did. He was sad that he lost a grandchild, but very relieved that his daughter was safe and not all too disappointed.

Vincent had recovered from the incident, just glad that Road was healthy still, perfect in every way. But Road was suffering. She had grown to silently start blaming herself for what had happened. She had told herself she shouldn’t be a mother. She had said it in her mind, and to her, that meant God had heard her wishes and granted them. To her, it was entirely her fault that the baby had been miscarried. She deeply regretted ever thinking such a horrible thing.

Of course in actual fact, there was no way it could have been her fault. It was all an accident, and she was in no way responsible for the incident. But Road believed she was, and when Road believed something, she couldn’t be told otherwise. Vincent of course had no idea how Road felt. She kept up her mask around him, not letting on that it was affecting her so much. But the second that he left the room or left her alone, her cloud of depression rained down on her. She could see that Vincent was alright with what happened, but she felt that on the inside, he was probably more depressed than she was.

There was no denying that he had loved that baby, and that he had wanted it more than anything. To her, there wasn’t any possibility that he could be ok with this. She felt so guilty for causing him the pain, and it ate away at her heart. Soon, she wouldn’t be able to keep up the charade. Soon, Vincent would see that she wasn’t alright at all.

“Belle? Roooaaad?” Vincent called for her, wondering where she had gotten to. He wanted to spend time with her, but she was nowhere to be found.

“Playing hide and seek?” He laughed a bit, looking in all the spare rooms, until he reached the attic. The drop down door was open, and the ladder was down.

“Chéri? Are you up there?” He called, but there was no reply.

Vincent made his way up the ladder, into the dank attic. There wasn’t much light, but a small oil lamp was lit, sitting on a small crate. Someone had to be up there, and he doubted it was one of the servants. Looking around, he saw his wife sitting at the only window in the room. Her arms were folded on the sill, and her chin was resting on her arms. Silent tears stained her cheeks as she looked off in the distance, not saying anything, or even acknowledging Vincent’s presence. Vincent was surprised to see her there, and when he saw that she was crying, he walked to stand at her side.

“Belle? Non, don’t cry!” He immediately kneeled down by her, lifting his hand to wipe her face. “What’s the matter? Why are you crying?” he continued to fuss over her.

“….It’s my fault..,” was all she replied.

“Your fault? What is, belle?” Vincent had no clue what she was referring to.

“…The baby…it was my fault…,” she wouldn’t look at him, afraid that he’d see her guilt and hate her for what she had done.

“What…belle, don’t be ridiculous. It was an accident,” he thought it was completely insane of her to think that it was in any way her fault.

“You hate me. I killed our baby, Vincent. You hate me now!” she yelled at him, more hot, salty tears coming from her eyes as she turned to face him.

“Road…I don’t hate you. You didn’t kill it. That’s a silly thing to say,” Vincent was taken aback by her outburst, not at all expecting this sort of reaction

“Don’t lie! I know you lived that baby, and I killed it! I’m a murderer!!” she began sobbing and tried to run from his eyes.

Vincent grabbed her by the arm, keeping her from moving, “Road! Stop this!” He pulled her back to him, hugging her close.

Road thrashed, trying to hit him, to do anything to get away, “Stop it, Vincent! Don’t lie to me, you’re mad! You hate me, I can feel it!” She flailed her legs, trying to kick, trying to do anything to get away, throwing a tantrum.

“Chéri! Stop it! I don’t hate you, you’re being silly! It wasn’t your fault!”

Vincent hadn’t realized she was feeling this way, and he felt guilty that he hadn’t noticed it before. But thinking back, Road had never shown any signs of being sad, not once. Since returning from the hospital, she had been a bit quiet at first, but after a few days she was the same as ever. Had she been hiding this all from him? This was no good at all. She shouldn’t hide her feelings from him. Hiding turned into white lies, and white lies turned into black lies. There shouldn’t be any reason for Road to hide anything from him.

“Why didn’t you tell me you felt this way?” Vincent made her look at him.

“I didn’t want you to hate me..,” she tried to pull away still, her eyes puffy and red.

“…How could you honestly think that I’d hate you? You’re my wife. I won’t ever hate you…I love you more than anything in the world.”

“But…the baby, Vincent...,” she persisted.

“No buts. Yes, I was upset that it happened. But belle, it was so much more important that you were alright. If anything serious had happened to you..,” he trailed off, his voice cracking a bit.

“Vincent..,” Road had stopped thrashing, and she wrapped her arms tight around her husband’s neck, “You’re too good to me.”

“No, belle. I’m not good enough. I should have seen that you were having trouble. It’s alright now, but next time, don’t hide from me. How can I know if you’re truly ok when you hide? I want to know when something is bothering you. Do you understand?”

“Yes…I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” she settled herself on his lap, her legs on either side of his hips.

“Good...,” he buried his face into her neck and gave it a small kiss. “I love you, Road.”

“I love you too, Vincent,” she brought his face to hers and pressed her soft lips against his, fitting them perfectly together in a deep kiss.

Vincent smiled into the kiss, returning the love with a small nibble at her lower lip, “Let’s go make another baby,” he whispered to her.

“Vincent!” She frowned and hit his arm.

“I was only playing, belle...,” he smiled and gave her cheek a soft kiss, “We’ll be more careful this time.”


Fin~

<3