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 Posted: Tue Sep 27, 2011 7:31 pm
Was he mocking him?? Of course he wouldn't have dated him if he knew he was a boy! It was because he thought that Paris was a girl that he dated him in the first place! Well, it was his legs, but he'd thought they'd been girl legs, not boy legs!
Chris looked up at him, an expression somewhere between disgust and curiosity, and one that gave him an awkward half-grimace. He didn't think that was a very good question to ask, and he felt his cheeks flush (whether from embarrassment or anger he didn't know for sure), so he quickly lowered his head to glare at his coffee cup again. Of course he wouldn't want to date a boy. He'd only been with girls before Paris... Not that he knew Paris was a boy until three weeks ago. But the whole not knowing and being tricked only pissed him off more.
He did look up when Paris began to apologize, feeling as though it would have been rude of him to continue looking away, but he was pretty sure his eyes were still set in a glare when he looked up.
Even though he was bitter and angry, he could tell that Paris meant it. Or at least why wouldn't he mean it? He'd ruined... what could have never been, between them, by lying. Of course he would be sorry and not mean for things to turn out as they had. It was a loss for them both. They lost the companionship that at least he had gotten used to and relied on after long days and nights. But they would just have to move on and get over things...
"I don't hate you," he said, although the glare was still there and he tried to smooth out his expression. He wanted Paris to at least know that. "I'm still angry about it... but I know you're sorry... and I'm sorry for freaking out," he apologized, hoping that he didn't sounds as mean as he probably looked at the moment.
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Posted: Tue Sep 27, 2011 8:05 pm
Chris didn't sound mean, but he didn't sound all that accepting either, and Paris stopped himself before he could ask "Can we at least still be friends?" just in case the answer was "no." He could bear to hear it. He didn't think he could bear to be "just friends" either, not after before, not when he knew now what he was missing, what he'd been missing all this time.
He didn't know if he'd ever find it again. Something told him he wouldn't, that he'd screwed up the only chance he'd ever get.
"Right," he said, looking down at his tea, then to the side, then at Chris's shoulder since he didn't think he could look into his eyes just then. "Okay, well... as long as you know that... and... right, it's fine. My fault... I'm the idiot here."
He looked at his wrist as if to check the time, but he didn't have a watch there. He tried to cover the motion by bringing his tea up for a sip, glad that it was at least cool enough to drink now. Of course, he could only sip at it for so long before it became obvious that he was trying to avoid Chris's gaze and any further discussion. What were they supposed to talk about now? What was he supposed to say? How had he wanted this to end?
With a reconciliation. That's what he'd meant to happen. Now he wasn't so sure that was a possibility. Not the way he'd wanted it, at least.
"Okay," he said again and forced himself to his feet. "Well... I... I have... things to do, and... you probably have stuff you wanted to do, too, and I just wanted to say that I'm sorry and now that I've done that... I... I guess we should go..."
Did his voice shake when he said that? He didn't think he'd be able to live with himself if after all this his anger and frustration gave way to that haunting sadness and regret.
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Posted: Tue Sep 27, 2011 8:50 pm
Chris shook his head lightly, not sure what he was disagreeing to. He wanted to tell Paris that he wasn't an idiot, but he had lied to him. That hadn't exactly lead them to a great place in their... 'relationship' or lack thereof. What else was there to say? They'd both apologized, and although he was still angry, he didn't like seeing anyone upset like Paris was. The urge to try and comfort him was held back, though. He didn't want Paris to suffer, but how could they make up for the damage that had been done?
"Yeah... that's fine," he said, not getting up right away but taking a few moments to sip at his coffee and wonder if there was anything else he wanted to talk about before they parted ways and... did whatever. Would Paris ever call him or text him again now that he'd apologized? Since that seemed to be what he'd wanted to do in the first place?
He didn't know why he was upset that he might never be contacted by Paris again. But they'd both said their piece and... unless Paris really did want to try to 'fix' the mess that had blown up on both of them, well... he supposed there was no reason for them to really talk to each other. But why should he be upset...? It should be a good thing. It was just months of time and energy and feeling being thrown in the trash...
"I guess I'll see you around, then..." he mumbled, ignoring the way Paris's voice shook. He couldn't look at him. He would feel guilty and then he'd get frustrated and angry at himself for feeling guilty in the first place and who knew what else. Chris slowly got up from where he was sitting at the table and moved the chair back into place once he moved around it. He would just... head out now...
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Posted: Tue Sep 27, 2011 9:05 pm
As of that moment, Paris had no idea if he would try to contact Chris again. He couldn't imagine he'd have a reason to, except to say he was sorry again, but he'd already done than and Chris seemed to accept it this time, so any more would really just be repetitive and unnecessary, and perhaps even lessen the effect of their meeting now. What other reason would he have for calling him? "Oh, hey, my dad was watching a ball game on the TV and I thought of you" didn't seem like a worthwhile conversation to him, and he figured any attempt he'd make to try and go out, whether to dinner or a movie, would be rebuffed.
He wasn't wanted anymore. Not like that.
"Yeah, I... I guess..." he said, unable to meet Chris's eyes.
So... this was it then? Was this the end? Was this the culmination of his lie and all his efforts to set things right? They'd just... go their own ways?
It made sense, he supposed. Chris was mad at him. Chris didn't want to date him anymore. He'd known things would be that way before, yet he hadn't quite been prepared for this. Never once did he think they would meet like this and then just... walk away from one another. Like strangers. It was somehow more final and more painful than being thrown begging and pleading from Chris's apartment.
"Bye, Chris," he heard himself saying all the same, unable to just stand there as the emotions began to swirl and threatened to take over.
He felt himself turning and leaving but couldn't seem to see. His vision was suddenly blurry, and when he tried to blink the fog away, his face grew wet. He took a breath to steady himself and began his journey down the side walk, tossing his still mostly full tea into a garbage can as he passed.
He managed to make it one block and turned the corner before he had to sit down, lowering himself onto the curb to wrap his arms around himself and bury his face into his knees.
Now he wished he'd never called Chris, never insisted that they meet, if only to hold off the inevitable "goodbye."
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