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 Posted: Mon Sep 19, 2011 11:50 am
"You can't just put it away!"
Chaonis stared at her, incredulous. His own voice had cut through the relative quiet of the evening, his anger suddenly spiking in his tone. He looked at her with shock on his expression, though, and it still did not seem as angry as his voice seemed to imply. He had heard a friend talking about something like this, not wanting to be a Senshi any more, but he had never thought it in her to actually turn her back on it. That would be cowardly, certainly, but it would also be a waste.
They were given power and ability, the strength to do things they couldn't before. That came with some boring and bullshit responsibility, but if Chaonis could make it work he saw no reason anyone else should do any less.
But he didn't know fear. He pushed it away and ignored it, denied it. He did not fight against it because he didn't make himself have to. He couldn't lose to it, which is what he felt she had done.
"You know why they keep coming? Because you weren't out there fighting them!" One senshi in the fight probably didn't make that much of a difference, and the youma would always be there en masse, but he was making a point. "They're not going to go away because you choose to ignore them. Are you an idiot? You're going to get yourself killed, and you have the ability to fight them! To defend yourself! Why would you throw that away, then cower in fear when these things attack you!? You're making me do your work for you!"
It was more than that, but these were the terms Chaonis understood best.
"We're not supposed to be doing their job for them. If you can fight, you fight. If you can't fight, you learn how. You keep yourself alive, and you can start to feel safe. This hiding thing? This is going to kill you."
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Posted: Mon Sep 19, 2011 11:17 pm
Tara covered her face with her hands when he raised his voice again. She knew that what he was saying was right, but that didn't make it any easier to hear. "I did put it away," she whispered, not really to him. "In a box... a box..." Where was the box? It was important, and she she might have cared more if her mind was more stable. As it was, she just made a mental note to try and remember where she had put it, and promptly forgot.
The lecture was difficult to stomach. She couldn't run from it; even if she was able to get more than a couple of steps under her own power, the senshi was holding her and probably not planning on dropping her until he'd had his say. She couldn't put her fingers in her ears or he'd likely yank them out. She tried to tune it out, but the words felt like they were drilling into her already bruised skull. She was wrong, she knew she was wrong, but did he have to be so, so... loud about it?
Then he went too far. Tara jerked and pulled her hands down, holding them above her heart to make sure it was still beating. "Going to get myself killed?" she repeated dully. The words alone brought the memories flooding back, fire and smoke, guns and blood, eating the flesh of those who had been brought down by their own kind. Her eyes began to glaze over again, as she saw the past replaying itself, the youma who had once been her friend slamming her into a wall, and the explosion of pain from the back of her skull, so similar to what she felt now-
"No!" she shrieked, grabbing a hold of Chaonis' shoulder, as the real pain of the present mixed with the phantom pains of deaths long past. She was acting like a child having a temper tantrum, except she wasn't angry, only frightened, desperately clinging to whatever she could reach. Her heartbeat told her that she was still alive, but for how long? "I don't want to, not again! You don't get it, you don't! I don't want to die again!"
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Posted: Tue Sep 20, 2011 12:51 pm
Chaonis saw her struggling and did the only thing he could think to do to stop her from moving. He caught her in a bear hug, holding her against his chest and shoulder and not letting her struggle away from him as she freaked out. Every instinct he had told him to drop her, to get out of there and how serious it was getting, but he couldn't.
Something else in him, something hidden and only called upon fleetingly, refused to let her go.
"You're not going to die," he said, his voice suddenly softer but not lacking that hard edge he always spoke with. Still, it didn't seem like he was talking down to her, so much as he was trying to make her understand.
He held on to her. His hug wasn't exactly gentle or comforting, but it was a hug nonetheless. As close to one as he was going to get, anyway. he just didn't want her hurting herself further.
"You're like me," he said, "you don't want this responsibility, but you can't run from it. You have to make it work for you, and you have to use it to keep yourself safe, at the very least. If you don't want to die, then you have to do what scares you and get over it. I don't know how you died already or whatever you're saying, but I know you're alive right now. And if you're a senshi, then I'm going to make sure it stays that way."
He relaxed a bit, to see if she was calmer or if she was going to continue to panic on him. He wasn't sure how to handle it.
"Hear that? I won't let you get killed."
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Posted: Tue Oct 04, 2011 8:21 pm
“It’s too late,” Tara protested, but she did stop thrashing, and not just because it hurt. He was listening to her. He probably didn’t understand, not fully, but he was listening, and trying to help. But why? Senshi were supposed to save people, true, but they weren’t therapists, unless she had missed a memo. Which wouldn’t be surprising, considering her behavior, but she didn’t think that was it. This wasn’t just a ploy to get her to calm down; there was something genuine in his words. Maybe he understood more than she gave him credit for.
She relaxed, adrenaline fading as her terror did. Whatever else was going on, she knew that nothing else would happen to her with someone looking out for her. It was a small window of comfort, but more than she had had in a long time. Without fear clouding her judgment, she could more clearly see the foolishness of her actions. Even while she was running she knew she was wrong. Now, feeling safe for the first time in months, she felt silly. What had she allowed herself to do?
“I’m sorry.” Her voice was still small, both from lack of energy and anxiety. Tara wasn’t sure how to say what she wanted to say- or even what she wanted to say, really- but she felt that she had to try. “I’m really sorry. It’s just, we keep dying, and this time it’s for keeps, and I’m scared.” The memories of death threatened to overtake her again, but she forced them into the back of her mind. “I thought that I just needed a break, that everything would be okay... I know that doesn’t make any sense. I think I even knew it before, but I was just so scared, and the bad things kept coming...”
She lost her train of thought there, and after trying and failing to pick it up again, settled for looking up hopefully. It would be unfair to expect him to understand when she couldn’t honestly say that she did, but she could always hope.
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Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2011 11:19 am
Chaonis was being very stubborn, but at least his strength was working in his favor here. He could hold on to her even as she thrashed and tried to escape him, and he wasn't going to let her run off and continue on this endeavor to get herself killed.
When she calmed, he looked down at her. She might have been faking him out.
"You're not going to die if you don't let it happen," he told her, "you're running away from what makes you the most scared, but that's not going to make it any less scary for you. So stop being a wuss and face it. Doesn't sound easy? Good, it's not supposed to. We didn't ask for this, none of us did, but we're all in this together. If you're not pulling your weight, other people have to pull it for you. I'll keep you safe, I'll help you fight, but only if you're fighting for yourself."
He moved at length, looking at her directly and resting his hands on her shoulders.
"You have to start doing this again," he imagined she knew what he meant, "break over. Call me every time if you want, but I'm not leaving you alone until I see you power up and swear you'll get over this."
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Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2011 10:53 pm
Understanding was a bit much to hope for, it seemed. Tara frowned, but she wasn't scared this time. "You think it's that easy?" She snorted, then coughed as her chest seized up again. "You think I wanted to die? That my goal in life was to let some psychopath kill me and everyone I cared about?" Her muscles tensed up again, ready to run if he dropped her. "I... I know that what I did wasn't right, but just because you've got those wings on your butt doesn't mean you're automatically right. You have no idea what I've been through, so don't judge me based on one mistake!"
Yelling was as bad an idea as laughing, and Tara's hands went to her side, where she felt wetness and winced. No matter how upset she was, she had to concede the fact that she was lucky to have gotten off as lightly as she did. If he hadn't been there, she would have died, and this time there would be no coming back. And anyway, much as she wanted to argue, she really wasn't in any condition to fight him, or anything stronger than a tissue.
His next words shocked the fight right out of her. "What?" she asked, curling up in an attempt to vanish. "You mean... now? Like this?" She couldn't even stand by herself! And the box was... where was it? "Where's the box? I can't without..."
For a moment, she hoped they never found it. Then she hated herself for thinking that.
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Posted: Sat Oct 08, 2011 12:15 pm
"I know it's not easy," Chaonis countered, "but I don't really care. How can I not judge you on one mistake when that is the only decision you seem to have made so far? You just decided to stop, great, and I don't have anything else to go off of. Sure, you went through s**t. But we all do. Senshi or not."
He shook his head, but he at least eased his hold on her and let her readjust herself as she wanted to. He was, in the back of his mind, still worried that she had been badly hurt.
This argument could probably have been timed better. Like after he got her to the hospital or something. But it was too far gone to turn back now, and he was prideful and stubborn. Many times for all the wrong reasons.
But tonight, at least in his own opinion, he didn't think he was wrong.
"I'll find you the box and bring it to you at the hospital," he told her, deciding that she needed the medical aid first. But yes, then you're going to henshin up. Or I'm just going to have to follow you and make your life a miserable hell. Don't think I won't. You think you got it bad now? Can you imagine having me around all the time?"
He moved to get them up, aiming to carry her to the hospital since he doubted she could walk and he wasn't about to waste his time calling some useless ambulance.
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Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2011 12:20 am
Was this how it was always going to be? No matter what else she did, were people always going to perceive her as a coward? Tara wanted to argue, but she found that she couldn't. Going to rescue Chronos way back when had been more stupid than brave; had she known how it was going to end, she would have tried a different solution. The last meeting of the Science Club had seen her terrified and shooting blindly at her clubmates. And since her reawakening? She'd fought a few youma, spent a few months in a coma, and scared herself into hiding.
No wonder this guy thought she was a colossal waste of space. Or was that her own subconscious talking? The Negaverse may have killed her, but she allowed herself to stay dead. No wonder he was ticked off.
"I let them win. How could I let them win?" She wasn't really talking to Chaonis, but working her thoughts out. "What happened? I thought... but wait. If it's... was this worth it? No, but then why?" Either he was only hearing half of the conversation, or something was still loose in her head.
Then Tara remembered that someone was trying to talk to her. "Your bedside manner needs some work," she informed him. She was trying to think of a way to concede defeat without looking weak. It was easier said than done, especially when she still sort of wanted to pick a fight. "Do senshi really have so much time on their hands that they can play stalker?"
Okay, that was definitely not the right way to go. Tara sighed and looked up. "That's not what I meant. I mean, you're right, mostly... but your bedside manner really does need work, you know." And that was as close to an apology as he was going to get, at least for the moment.
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Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2011 2:00 pm
Chaonis watched her, confused. He wasn't sure if she was trying to talk to him or freaking out still, but it only reaffirmed that he really needed to get her to a doctor. She must have hit something in her head hard enough to break it.
Or she was just weird and always babbled like that, but from their last meeting and most of this one he was fairly sure that was not the case.
"Who said I was playing?" he replied to her stalker comment. He had already moved to pick her up, so once she was settled against him he was able to start heading in the direction of the hospital. It wasn't like he could call an ambulance. He'd walk her there himself, much like a nice guy might do. He'd have to do some covering to make sure that rumor didn't spread further than the two of them, though.
His reputation would be shot.
"Hey, my bedside manner worked, didn't it? Anyway, if everyone sugar coated everything all the time we'd never get anywhere, right? You know you like me, stop denying it."
He carried her to the hospital, stopping in the ambulance bay. He was around a corner, where there were no cameras or people witnessing, and that allowed him to power down. He looked at her, supporting her now instead of carrying her. Nate grinned.
"Can you make it inside or do I have to carry you some more? I don't blame you if you're digging it."
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Posted: Mon Oct 24, 2011 10:43 pm
On the contrary, Tara often talked to herself. She found it was one of the only ways she could easily get her thoughts in order. But it was true that her rambling usually made slightly more sense than that. She wasn't even sure what she had said, or if it helped. But she felt a little bit better, somewhere deep down, so maybe whatever it was she said worked on some level.
"Oh, so you're one of those guys." They were moving again, and it made her dizzy, so she closed her eyes. "The ends justify the means and all. Results notwithstanding, I still say your methods need work. And you seemed to like sugar-coating when I gave you the M&Ms last time." She tried to wink, but with her eyed closed it just looked like half of her face twitched.
She didn't say she liked him. She didn't deny it either. This senshi was obnoxious and kind of a jerk, but he was a kind of decent jerk. He'd saved her life and talked some sense into her, so she clearly couldn't hate him. But she didn't really want to encourage him, so she decided to remain silent.
They stopped moving, and he put her down. Tara slowly opened her eyes again, blinking them alternately. Then she saw who was helping her and nearly fell over again. "You- you're you. I mean, you're not- it's the real you." Yes, that made so much sense. She took a deep breath and tried again. "You're letting me see who you really are." Even if she was a senshi herself- and he still didn't know that for sure- that was such a personal thing to do.
Either he was a total idiot, or he really trusted her.
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Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2011 2:00 pm
Her joke about the M&M's didn't go unappreciated, and he grinned a bit as she spoke it, wanting to remind her that he didn't get any this time, and that was unfair. He'd tell her later, though, that she owed him some.
He nodded his head, though her words were kind of falling on top of each other and he was wondering what he had done, besides powering down, that could have blown her mind so much. But then, maybe just handing out his identity to people was enough to do that. Still, she had basically told him she was a senshi, and he didn't think she was going to run off and tell the Negaverse she knew how the senshi of Danger was.
Not that he'd care if she did. So that would make him more of a target, and probably his dad and his dog too. There was nothing he couldn't handle, as far as his cockiness allowed him to believe.
"Yeah. So? You're the real you, too," he pointed out. He shook his head. "I think we're on the same side, whether you want to be or not. And anyway, I can't get you in there unless I power down. I don't think the hospitals like senshi too much." He moved to help her walk, seeing if she could or if he had to carry her again, toward the doors to the emergency area.
He could be an idiot sometimes, and a jerk most of the time, but he could be almost decent, as well. He hadn't abandoned her, and didn't look like he was going to. That counted for something.
Maybe a king size bag of M&M's.
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Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2011 11:43 pm
Considering that Tara's last and only encounter with a leader of the Negaverse had resulted in her death, she was not terribly likely to run to them with information. Or to run to them in general, when she had spent so long running away. Even so, it really touched her to know that he considered her an ally, after everything she had done. Or rather, after everything she had failed to do. Maybe it wasn't a big deal to him, but it meant a lot to her.
She also hadn't considered the fact that he knew her civilian identity as well. She had hidden from her senshi self for so long that she didn't really consider it part of her anymore. And then she had totaled her life trying to escape one half of her identity, to the point that she hadn't really been Sailor Aquarius or Tara Kavanaugh in months. No wonder she was so confused.
"That's fair," she decided, leaning heavily on him as she wobbled her way into the hospital. "Except for the bad PR. Then again, if all senshi brought in people looking like..." She trailed off, gesturing at herself with her free arm. "Then I can't really say I blame them."
Seeing the hospital up close brought back bad memories. Most things did, these days. All of a sudden Tara found herself wondering what Kent would think when he heard she was there. And her parents! If they had anything to say about it, she wouldn't get a chance to be a senshi again. Still, all the bad things that awaited her were no more than she deserved, and it was only because of the guy next to her that she was alive to experience them at all. She looked up at him, then turned to face what lay ahead of her. "Thanks. For... you know. Everything."
Bad as the night had been, it was had held a mirror up to her and shown her what she was doing. She didn't like the person she saw, but at least she could acknowledge the parts she didn't like and work on getting back to a place she did. Maybe there would be other people who could help her. Who would understand. Or maybe not understand, but at least forgive her for what she had done.
Maybe, in time, she would even be able to forgive herself.
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Posted: Fri Oct 28, 2011 2:24 pm
"Yeah, and as much as I like taking the credit for beating up the bad guys, beating up a girl for no apparent reason isn't really the message I want to send out, you know? Call me old fashioned."
He grinned at her teasingly.
The young man was the senshi of danger, and he had no trouble punching girls who were on the wrong team. It was fair, because he knew they would be beating him up with no qualms about it if he gave them half a chance. And more than once he had been bested by one. Still, he was not going to go out of his way to beat up girls. He was a jerk, but even he had his limits. Anyway, he hadn't been the one to hurt her.
So there was that.
He glanced at her when she thanked him. That didn't usually happen. He grunted his response, mumbling something that might have been a 'you're welcome' under his breath.
Once they reached the emergency entrance he glanced around, wondering if he should just take her in or leave her to wander in on her own. He looked at her, arching his eyebrow.
"You good from here?"
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