Welcome to Gaia! ::

Okay, so besides what Blade said is there anything else wrong? xD
*hasn't updated it to fit with the crits Blade gave yet*

I'm going to take a longer look at this but just by glancing I can already tell you have a MAJOR problem with her history.

Adelphie's conception had been both a shock and a miracle. Her mother Phaedra had decided when she was just a young child that she would never have children because they were icky and most often ugly creatures. However, a night filled with to much fun and wine led to her mating with another pixie boy and thus Adelphie was concieved. Phaedra hardly noticed her swollen feet and rounding tummy or when she did, attibuted them to over eating. After ten months passed though she learned that it was not because she was eating to many sweets that her belly was getting larger but that she had been pregnant.


There is no such thing as pregnancy in Halloween town. There is a long segment on life and death in the world information center. Creatures are born from pumpkins and fear, not conceived the way humans are. I'd take a look at the shop cannon once more to get a better feel for the way things work because its very much different then the human world.

I promise to take a deeper look at your special ability and fear when I get home and other things too. That just stood out to me.

Hiiii o u o Hope some of this can be helpful to you!

1) Natural Ability: I have a few questions about this. Why does it wear off in exactly two minutes? Does it vary according to the "victim," i.e. is it size-based or based on magical ability to resist her? Also I'm not sure that it makes sense to instill curiosity in someone inception-style as well as make them want to eat, sleep, do homework, etc... what's the correlation between all of those things? Maybe a bit more focus would help bring this ability out o u o Alternatively, you could tie her natural ability into the superstition of being "pixy-led," inducing perhaps the sense of curiosity but also an overwhelming (if fleeting) desire to follow her? The remedy in folklore is to turn the victim's coat inside out o u o

2) Personality: Typos in paragraph 2: "Also do to" should really be "Due to her nature" o no <3. You don't need the "Also," it's a new paragraph; "cause her to do" instead of "cause her to;" "person's lover" instead of "persons lover;" "destroying" instead of "destorying."

I'm not sure how making someone work for an answer is the same as an epic journey. In fact, there are many other tasks, for which the fair folk are notorious, such as finding a single tear in the ocean, or finding a fair folk who can lie, etc; considered impossible tasks. Regardless, info on her "epic journeys" could maybe be included in a later post, instead of along with her personality? They're not really a personality trait so much as a spinoff.

Again, her personality calls the "certain tasks" "epic journeys" but I don't think that's entirely accurate...? I mean, if you think of a real epic journey... not sure it can be translated well to this story? It says earlier in her personality she likes to lead people on epic journeys for fun, but then in the later paragraphs said she doesn't like to travel. Does it mean that she likes to SEND them on journeys?

I didn't see her anger as something "severe" in her personality. Perhaps focus less on the "epic journey" aspect and more on her personality itself?

You still have some info about a "family" etc... like reading all her mother's romance novels. Is there a less-human/less-family-centric way of giving her the same obsessed-with-romance trait?

3) Definitely elaborate upon her FEAR. How long does it work? What exactly does it do, in terms of delusions? Is it an illusion, does it have a catalyst, how many of the senses does it manipulate, how many times can she use it, who will it work on, etcetc... many questions! Hopefully answering at least some of those will help you narrow it down.

4) Why are her shoes greek? Why is she dressed so modernly? If people were made to fear pixies so that they appeared in Halloweentown, what about her appearance might contribute to that...?