Sosiqui
Overall, I like her~ I like her weapon being a classic witches' broom (and that wouldn't be strange to her or different, she would have received it at birth and been told it was her weapon). I like her FEAR and how it's windbased, and how that relates to her broom flying.
However. Her natural ability... doesn't seem like a natural ability? At least not the way you've worded it. Perhaps say that she can naturally channel some of her FEAR into the broom to make it fly? As it is now it sounds like her broom just flies because... it does. And just owning something that flies doesn't make it your natural ability!
With her personality: I like what you have laid out, but it seems like most of her personality is inferred rather than directly stated. Like her putting her deepest thoughts into her journal: suggests that she's quiet and values her privacy, but doesn't often get it because of her family situation. It feels like she uses her books as an escape; what is she escaping from? Again, yes, her large family - but why? There's room for some very interesting specifics there, but we're not getting them quite yet! And I have no idea whether my inferences are what you mean to suggest.
Really I would like more information on her family since right now she seems mostly defined by them. How many siblings does she have? What are her relationships with them, is she jealous of any of them specifically? Is her home happy in general, or is there a lot of family strife? Why is her grandmother the only one who cares about her FEAR (and you might want to re-word that to caring about Maryellen herself; the way it is now makes me think her grandmother only cares about her for her power which I don't think is what you mean)? Are her parents too busy tending to the rest of the family to give her any attention?
And how will growing up in that environment affect her when she goes away for school?
Basically I see a lot of potential, and the character I can extrapolate from the information you've given us is really interesting - I just don't know if that character matches who your character really is, to you. I hope this helps?
Good luck!
However. Her natural ability... doesn't seem like a natural ability? At least not the way you've worded it. Perhaps say that she can naturally channel some of her FEAR into the broom to make it fly? As it is now it sounds like her broom just flies because... it does. And just owning something that flies doesn't make it your natural ability!
With her personality: I like what you have laid out, but it seems like most of her personality is inferred rather than directly stated. Like her putting her deepest thoughts into her journal: suggests that she's quiet and values her privacy, but doesn't often get it because of her family situation. It feels like she uses her books as an escape; what is she escaping from? Again, yes, her large family - but why? There's room for some very interesting specifics there, but we're not getting them quite yet! And I have no idea whether my inferences are what you mean to suggest.
Really I would like more information on her family since right now she seems mostly defined by them. How many siblings does she have? What are her relationships with them, is she jealous of any of them specifically? Is her home happy in general, or is there a lot of family strife? Why is her grandmother the only one who cares about her FEAR (and you might want to re-word that to caring about Maryellen herself; the way it is now makes me think her grandmother only cares about her for her power which I don't think is what you mean)? Are her parents too busy tending to the rest of the family to give her any attention?
And how will growing up in that environment affect her when she goes away for school?
Basically I see a lot of potential, and the character I can extrapolate from the information you've given us is really interesting - I just don't know if that character matches who your character really is, to you. I hope this helps?
Good luck!
Thank you very much! I thought that my quest was still missing a few extra things but I just couldn't put my finger on it, that you for pointing those out! <3
