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Since Negaversers are able to get a personal youma at Captain stage, that would be an interesting concept to explore, if the leash itself was the weapon, but a magical enchantment allowed him further control over a youma, in later stages, to serve as his 'eyes'?

Note: Not sure if any of this would fly, but it's kind of awesome to consider.

General Serandite had a rabbit that came to life after she hit Captain stage, so the toy-that-turns-into-a-youma might be a smidge too close to her weapon, but I LOVE the idea of a magical leash. It could definitely start as a leash with no real properties whatsoever (besides the property of WTF This Isn't a Weapon) and then at captain stage, like Indu said, the leash could allow Bischo to further control his personal youma.

Looooove it~

I would still like to know more about how he's hugely religious, as you say he is, and how it has affected his personality, and how it makes him think about things. Otherwise, I don't think it's something you need to have in there. <3

You say he's from Saarland...? Maybe have that somewhere stated in his profile, especially if that's important. You mention him settling on "God made me this way" in your response to me, but it still needs to be edited into his personality, otherwise it's not a part of him as a character.

The information on how he's religious could go under his reading hobby, since you specifically mention the Bible in there? You can also make a small, separate post about his religious affiliation/views, since it is a very important part of his character. It influences how he acts and perceives things, especially his disability. But I do agree with Guine - it needs to be in his profile someplace, we just have to figure out a good place to put it. wink

Since it's the main issue here, I hope it's alright that I dive straight into the blindness thing: I HIGHLY discourage you from making your character totally blind like this, since what this boils down to is that it creates too much of a disadvantage for the Negaverse to recruit him in the first place.

Most battle situations aren't going to be predictable or patient enough for him to come up with creative solutions to his problems in a reasonable timeframe, and most opponents aren't going to stop coming after him after being momentarily tripped by a wire or noticing he can hear them approaching. And when that happens, how is he going to be able to dodge and counterattack in close combat where he can't pinpoint how and where his opponent is striking? And that is just the mundane part of battles in this shop: the endless variety of magic attacks Bischofite is going to encounter means that he has to be be able to see them in order to adapt to them.

In short, a blind Lieutenant is going to end up as a dead Lieutenant very, very fast. I can't approve a Negaverse character who realistically wouldn't survive very long as a Negaverser.

On the weapon progression: a Negaverse weapon cannot be a living thing. They're inanimate objects only -- so, it evolves literally as a weapon. Serandite is an unusual deviation from the norm and therefore not a good example of what we want to see out of a Negaverse weapon concept, but it's worth noting that her weapon is not a living thing, even at General. She's just able to puppet it to copy her movements.

You can start with a leash that becomes a whip, flail or whatever else you might imagine a leash becoming, but you cannot have an animal attached to the leash that evolves into a youma. Youma are not created in the manner you're describing, and are obtained completely separately: more information on this can be found in The Rift subforum in this guild. A leash that ends up helping control youma would be pretty redundant, since your personal youma is already sharing a bond with you -- not to mention that restraining them in such a way would heavily restrict their movements in a fight.


CIV SIDE:

I've already mentioned that blindness is going to be a no-go for a Negaverse character, but I still need to examine the profile as written -- so bear with me on the first part of it, here. XD;

Your personality descriptions are focusing a bit too much on his disability: what I mean by that is while it's great for telling me how he handles his blindness, for a lot of these traits I have no idea how he deals with anything else BUT his blindness. Powered aspect aside, one of the big reasons why characters with disabilities are always going to be heavily scrutinized is that it's really easy to end up using a physical weakness as a substitute for psychological characteristics. What ends up happening nine times out of ten is that the disability is their main weakness and their determination to overcome it is their main strength, which not only results in a bit of a one-dimensional character but also very little for other characters to interact with and react to.

While it's clear that you've put a good amount of thought into this character, you still have a little bit of that problem going on. It IS very good that you're putting a lot of effort into explaining your character's motivations behind each trait -- that's something that I look for when I read contest entries! However, when it comes to how the trait affects Alois's behavior, it's really important to give a GENERALIZED description of how he conducts himself! You can give examples to help illustrate your point, but the end result should be that other players can read your profile and get an idea of how his characteristics can apply to a wide variety of RP situations. Otherwise you'll end up kind of forcing his disability to be the focal point of any story he's in in order to play him, which would be really unfun for other players and tedious for you.

One thing that might help when you're revising Alois's traits is to not just think about how his virtues are good for him, but for others around him. The same approach should be taken to his flaws -- except replace "good" with "bad."

As far as particular traits go, I'm having a bit of trouble with his Arrogant flaw: you say he has a horrible ego... but it's completely internalized / he doesn't act on it in a way that makes his observable... and then his Patience allows him to avoid the types of clashes of ego you'd expect an arrogant person to have, which more or less cancels the trait out. This is pretty much a non-flaw -- it's great that he's arrogant, but it stops short from having any impact whatsoever in an RP. People need to be able to OBSERVE his arrogance, and in a way that enables them to dislike or lose respect for him, in order for it to count as a flaw! He's good on motivation, but he needs some behavior appropriate for the trait as well. I'd suggest completely removing the ability to "walk away from ego battles" from his Patience trait since that would give you something interesting to work with if it actually has the potential to happen instead.

His backstory in Apathetic is reading off like he has never met anyone in his whole life who treated him like a normal person due to his blindness. Apathy as a flaw is fine, but... this seems pretty far-fetched, to be perfectly honest. I can't assume that people in general would have been more accepting of him than you're depicting him as, but at the same time it's unrealstic to assume that everyone he's ever met has treated him as poorly as you're describing. ^^; It would probably be more appropriate to say that this sort of thing sticks out in his memories and expectations more than the 'good' people do or did. However, it should also be noted that this reads mostly as a depiction of his tragic backstory with the actual trait as an afterthought. How his apathy affects his behavior, and how that affects other people, need to be given more focus here. Other characters can't interact with his past.

What part of his personality is In Theory, Not In Practice supposed to be describing? Is it that he gets overconfident... or is it that he overcomplicates things? I'm having trouble seeing what the flaw part of this is: it reads more like a frustrating hobby than anything else. You need to be more clear about what aspect of his personality is at work here and how it affects other people.

@Foto: Mouse is a great critiquer, and in my opinion, staff members that go over profiles and offer pointers and comments are doing a courtesy to players, rather than simply approving or denying without explanation.

I can't see anything offensive in her comments to you, [or in the other critiques here] in fact, it looks like she took a lot of time to look through everything. I understand it can be discouraging to have to repeatedly go through critiques, but your response is not constructive and a comes off rude, and ungrateful. Why submit for critique if you don't want it?

If you haven't realized it by now, I'll just say that none of us came in here for the purpose of cutting you down, instead, we voluntarily tried to help you out.

~Don't get discouraged!

I just got my first accepted quest here earlier this week, and to tell you the truth, my critiques were just as long and thorough. <3

So far, it seems like your character's personality is fine, it just needs to be reframed so that we can see his playability with others, rather than being character-centric.

It takes a little work, but if you love the character, it'll be worth it. Sometimes the change you don't expect [for instance, if you decided to make him a seeing character] end up taking them awesome, surprising directions.