Welcome to Gaia! ::

Don't worry, babe... People like you & me... when our hearts "harden", it's very, very different from, say, the ever-so-typical response teenage/"young adult" boys have in reaction to things that really break their heart. Teenage boys out there, you can argue all you damn well please, but the truth of the matter really IS that the definite majority of male's react to heartbreaking situations by becoming quite "numb" & "emotionless". I've never seen such a response to a crises -- even though, yes, I definitely realize it's largely an involuntary response -- end up doing them any favours at all in the end.

Rio, what I truly believe you're going through (although my knowledge about the situation is definitely somewhat limited, but my knowledge of YOU I'd at least like to think is quite noteworthy :3 ) is not an undesired transformation of your heart "hardening", plain & simple... I feel like what's happening is instead something much less "black & white" & much more productive. Like, perhaps you're gaining an increasingly better sense of in what situations it's best for you to hold back some of your heart, because the emotional investment & subsequent pain in many situations just isn't worth it... &, of course, in some situations there's absolutely no need to hold your heart back at all (well, okay, maybe a tiny bit), & I know you'll find situations like that again, I KNOW YOU WILL, & I really think that when your heart feels like it's the right time, place, person, circumstance, etc. etc. to let go of what you've perceived as it "hardening", you'll realize that it will do just that.

In short, I guess, I think your emotional state is probably getting "wiser" & more selective... A change that may on the surface appear scary & undesired, but will probably turn out to be a change for the better in your life.

Plus, I just HAVE to add -- Rio with a hardened heart isn't Rio. Us emotionally based people are emotionally based people are occassionally slightly "refined" emotionally based people, but still emotionally based people nonetheless...

... Then again, what do I know; speaking TOTALLY honestly, you're one of the very verryyyy few people I know from Gaia who I truly believe to be without question smarter & wiser than me =X

But I am most certainly amused by that comment xp The truth of it literally made me laugh out loud. There, THERE is something funny for everyone to smile and be happy about. Merry ******** christmas haters.

heart

Alright, first off. I apologize if I came off like I was trying to be offensive. I'm not saying you're an overly negative person. I'm not trying to make a personal attack on you. I don't think you're a bad person or anything. I am criticizing the thread though.

I think its great that you made one about the happier times in life. Its sad that that's not a more popular thread. I didn't research what other threads you did cause I'm not interested in attacking you. I'm more of a point out what's going on now, kind of person.

Ha.. I don't know s**t about suffering. See? I didn't actually say anything like that towards you. I wasn't like "Way to dwell on the negative cry babies, that's life" I just said my opinion and then someone brought it up with me and that's why the conversation continued.

Physically, the worst thing(s) that's ever happened to me, without a shred of doubt, was a panic attack. Not just normal panicking - like a real, debilitating attack that just comes and goes.

They happened on quite a regular basis for a certain time period to me when I was a little kid, and it was always in the middle of the night, so I always just thought they were really, really, really, really bad nightmares.

I just learned in Psychology class that they were panic attacks. 20 out of 24 symptoms on the dot :'D Thank God those days are over now. I have no idea what caused them, but they are - by far, no contest there - one of the worst feelings in the world. That inexplicable sense of utterly consuming, irrational, and prolonged doom, helplessness, paralysis, tension, ridiculous heart rate, fear, unintelligible thoughts, nervous trembling, and just sheer panic - ugh.

Even now, when I stare into the darkness of my room, I can still feel those lingering effects of a panic attack. I don't think I'm on the brink of panic attacks - it's just that I physically can't forget them, no matter how long it's been.

warning: this post describes something thatll probably emotionally damage you if youre new to the internetz.

last year i was on teh youtubez and i was gonna send my friend a link to a song called "********" cuz we're both atheists aand he would actually appreciate it also it's a pretty good song too. so i was looking for a video of it to send to him and i watched one where there was all this really offensive image macros in a slideshow set to the song and it's actually really funny if you're an atheist. but near the end, s**t got weird. things started gettin' less humorous and more pornographic (i.e., crucifi% dildos). and the second to last image shown was a demotivational poster with a picture of a girl who was dead. someone had stabbed her, ripped her chest open, and stuck a crucifi% in her mouth and took a picture of it. and someone, maybe the same guy, thought it was funny and made a demotivational poster saying "religion: they really shove it down your throat."

disgusting.

ever since then, nothing ive found on the internet has managed to disturb me, and ive seen a lot of weird s**t since then. ive been wanting to go back there and flag it, but i havent gotten around to it yet.

For me, it was this past October.
My chinchilla, one of only two friends that I had in the city (and by the feel of things, the only one that really likes me) was sick. We took him to the emergency clinic and I thought that we'd be able to save him, but the operation to save him was too much. Not too much to be worth it to me, but too much money that we just didn't have and no one would/could loan us.
Also worth mentioning; before this, I was also in the deepest darkest depression of my life, before any of this even happened. It was over a girl, and I knew, the very day that I was at the clinic taking Kenny to his death that far away, somewhere, the girl I loved was getting the first kiss that she and I had planned for from the man she threw me away in favor of.
Also perhaps worth noting:The girl and the chinchilla were two of very few things keeping me from immense depression over being poor, unemployed, very near friendless, and otherwise miserable.

I've actually stumbled on that picture before and found it to be one of the most disturbing images I've seen on the internet(and for the record, I am also a non christian(though it doesn't matter with such things since they go WAY beyond religions boundaries)).

I've had 2 main eras of darkness in my life. They aren't really a moment as much of a set of moments that are meshed together.

The first are the years when my parents divorced(15-17). I was not only thrown into the role of my mother for most cases, exposed to so many secrets they'd tried to hide from me, and verbally and emotionally abused by my father like my mother had been before she got out. And no matter how hard I fought for my sisters, taking the worst of it so they wouldn't see him in a drunken stupor trying to argue because he was so alone and out of his own mind. I got out, living almost full time at my mother's at 17...and they weren't so lucky. My closest sister is out now, but my youngest still has to live a good majority with him and it kills me when she calls begging me to find a way to go pick her up and spare her even an hour of him breaking down her emotional walls, and because I can't drive I can't even go and help.

The second, as selfish as it is(at least to me), would be my first REAL breakup(17). We'd been dating for over a year, nearly being inseparable. She'd come and play savior when I was at my fathers, treat me like I wasn't some broken and lonely shy girl, she made me so happy and feel stronger than it all. I knew it would end, honest, I just thought we'd hang on a bit longer than 2 weeks after she started college. My best friend(and her coworker(...I got my gf the job too. >_>)) informed me that she had a date with another girl she'd met, and when I confronted her she admitted it and broke up with me. It only made it worse that the girl looked like a shorter version of myself and shared the same first name. Or that she was her 'perfect' version of me.

Between those 2 happening around the same down I utterly crumbled and very nearly died(stupid I know). Had my mother not gotten home early, who's to say I'd even be here. But thanks to some good 'ol charcoal chugging absorbing all those yummy pills and many sessions of therapy I've seemed to overcome most of the pain.(At least the relationship one, and some of the family business)
=/