|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Sun Dec 05, 2010 3:21 pm
Hello Just Criting back ^ a^
In fact, one of his lasting memories is of the strings of beads worn by his granny Nain.
I would add a comma after fact because it kind of runs on.
Despite the fact that crafting jewellery is Arian's major hobby and he spends a great deal of time on it, Arian does have some other hobbies.
Just some Nit-picky stuff.
Question: Has Arian read book without a happy ending? I know there is a reason he doesn't read them I'm just wondering.
Othere then that he looks pretty good. I really like you character C:
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Dec 05, 2010 3:45 pm
Hi Bunny, Thanks for the crit smile bunnyilove In fact, one of his lasting memories is of the strings of beads worn by his granny Nain.
I would add a comma after fact because it kind of runs on. Fixed smile bunnyilove Question: Has Arian read book without a happy ending? I know there is a reason he doesn't read them I'm just wondering. Edit because I misread this-- When he was younger he didn't so much care about whether books had a happy or sad ending, so yes in the past he's read some books that had unhappy endings. Nowadays Arian doesn't read books with unhappy endings, he goes to great lengths to avoid reading them right down to self-spoiling the ending for himself by flipping to the end of a book and skim-reading the ending.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Dec 05, 2010 5:25 pm
Hi Litian,
I still think he's a sweetie, and I'm wishing you the best of luck.
I like what you've done with the new attacks, and the really recognisable beads used. I don't know anything about them, but I've seen that blue one around everywhere. This version seems a lot more tied to the beads themselves than the old version did. smile
Only other thing I can suggest is cosmetic only: you've got an awful lot of paragraph breaks in here, and it looks almost double-spaced. It's a little hard to tell where one hobby/trait stops and the next one starts. For easier reading, you might like to squish each section back into one paragraph, then only put breaks back in where they're absolutely essential. You probably only need two or three breaks for each heading, for the amount you've written.
Hope this helps. Good luck in the contest. smile
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 4:39 pm
Hi Lokis,
Thanks for the crit and the good luck wishes smile
I've deleted out some of my earlier paragraph breaks and squished some sentences back together, so hope it makes things easier to read (I have a bad tendancy to go a little overboard on adding in breaks). I also managed to find and fix some typos which escaped the earlier run through the spell-check
The new attacks are (ironically enough) partly inspired by a conversation I had with a friend at work about beads and charms, conversation led looking through some stuff online after work and then revamped attacks mad D
I'm much happier with the re-vamped senshi and super attacks, the earlier versions came across more as jewellery, than bead specific
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Dec 25, 2010 6:18 pm
He's looking pretty good!
I do wonder how he'd react finding out that although Betty Crocker sure make's it look like Baking is a sport for those in frilly aprons, there's not exactly a shortage of talented male bakers, they just don't get quite the same spotlight. Would he feel better about his secret hobby, or would it just seem strange?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Dec 26, 2010 8:52 am
Xaotl He's looking pretty good! I do wonder how he'd react finding out that although Betty Crocker sure make's it look like Baking is a sport for those in frilly aprons, there's not exactly a shortage of talented male bakers, they just don't get quite the same spotlight. Would he feel better about his secret hobby, or would it just seem strange? Hiyas Xaotl, thanks for the return crit smile Actually, Arian would probably still think it strange. I think subconsciously, his paternal grandparents have influenced the image he has of certain things (both grandmother and grandfather are quite narrow-minded). Hence running is a fine masculine hobby to have, whereas baking is mainly the preserve of the 'frilly apron brigade' and the only type of boys who would indulge in it as a hobby are the 'pansy' type. I've tweaked it a little to reflect that prejudice.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Dec 28, 2010 4:59 pm
Hey hey there !
Im, um... not very good at crits, but you critted me twice now, so I wanted to at least try it, so im sorry if this isn't very helpful !
I do love his jewelry-making hobby ! It ties in with his sphere so well and works so much better than if he just collected beads. (Im guilty of this, always telling myself that I will one day make jewelry, so I buy beads... only to never do anything with them....) Does Arian gift out his jewelry pieces, or does he keep them for himself ? Does he aspire to get good enough to sell them at say, artisans' fairs or etsy, or does he plans for it to remain a hobby for fun ?
The fact that he reads books with only happy endings (and even checks to make sure) is so nice and quirky ! It gives such a nice, easy view into what he thinks and how he's like with only one sentence.
I loled at the apron brigade comment. XD Is there a reason Arian goes out of his way to be as manly as possible ? Is it sorely to please his grandparents, or something he set on himself ? If it was only for his grandparents, would he loosen up since he's not longer living with them ? You do mention in his history that he was caught kissing a boy - was that just an experiment, or if more than that, is his attaction to boys something he also tries to hide at all costs ? How far would Arian go in order to not let people figure out the 'unmanly' things ?
I do like that he is polite even if he doesn't like you. It stands out for me, in a way - does this mean that he is pretty good at hiding the fact that he hates the other person, beside overall redulctance ? Would the rest of his body language give him away ?
Creativity/Thinks out of the box is such a given for him. :>
For 'Ill keep your secrets', if it was something that could endanger his friend, or someone else, or something illegal, would he still keep the secret ? Especially with his protective virtue - what if not speaking of what he's been told as a secret could wind up getting one of those special people hurt ?
His flaws really work for him, and the way you elaborate on them makes perfect sense :>
His attack looks fine to me~ Very creative !
His fuku is adorable, oh god. GLASSES WE NEED MORE POWERED CHARACTER WITH GLASSES !!! *biased*
Hope this helped a little, I really hope to see him around one day !
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 3:30 pm
Hi Zero, Thanks for the crits, they were really helpful. It gave me some things to think on and I've tried tweaking Arian's profile a little in light of it smile I'm biased about powered characters with glasses too xd To answer your questions: + Does Arian gift out his jewelry pieces, or does he keep them for himself ? + Does he aspire to get good enough to sell them at say, artisans' fairs or etsy, or does he plans for it to remain a hobby for fun ? Quote: ~ Arian keeps most of the jewellery he makes, although he does occasionally give some as gifts to friends. He’s let Saffron have some pieces too.
~ The jewellery-making is currently just a hobby for Arian - he likes creating pieces, but isn’t that interested in the selling aspect although Saffron (his cousin) is attempting to get him to try selling some of his pieces online via something like Etsy. + Is there a reason Arian goes out of his way to be as manly as possible ? Is it solely to please his grandparents, or something he set on himself ? If it was only for his grandparents, would he loosen up since he's not longer living with them ? Quote: ~ The whole 'manliness' thing is a by-product of the period spent living with the parental grandparents and was part of Arian's attempts to please them.
Arian's grandfather (Peter) has firm notions of what a real 'man' is like - i.e. the man is the head of the household and main breadwinner, all men love sport etc. Both grandparents are quite narrow-minded (Peter calls himself a traditionalist).
Peter actually wanted Arian to go to Hillsworth Grammar since he thought it would instill good old military discipline into Arian, but Saffron explained to their grandmother that it was a school for juvenile delinquents and she pitched a fit over the idea.
~ I'm expecting that Arian will loosen up on the whole 'manliness' thing as time goes by. To be honest he doesn't really want to be his grandfather's idea of a 'manly' man - he just wanted to make his grandparents happy with him. + You do mention in his history that he was caught kissing a boy - was that just an experiment, or if more than that, is his attraction to boys something he also tries to hide at all costs ? Quote: ~ The kiss was an experiment, due to curiosity on Arian's part (okay and because he thought the guy in question was kind of hot). Having his very prejudiced grandfather catch them has pretty much pushed Arian back into the closet for the moment. + For 'Ill keep your secrets', if it was something that could endanger his friend, or someone else, or something illegal, would he still keep the secret ? Quote: ~ If it's something illegal, then it depends on how illegal - e.g. yes he'd keep the secretif it was something like shoplifting but he wouldn't keep the secret if it was a really serious crime
~ If told a secret that had the potential to hurt someone close to him - then although he'd feel conflicted - if sharing the secret was the only way he could see to protect that person, then Arian would do it.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 1:56 pm
I hope you don't mind me making formatting nitpicks, but your form has quite a lot of unnecessary line breaks. It will make your form much easier to read if you try to condense everything a bit more -- nearly all of the stuff you have separated by line breaks would read a lot better if they were combined into only one or two paragraphs per trait. I do a lot of going back and forth between different parts of the form when I read them, so having to scroll this much to get a proper understanding of your character's profile is a bit jarring. ^^;
In order to help this more, I'd recommend taking out the parts of his hobbies and traits that touch on his backstory: if you want to keep them, move them to a separate post. c: In contests and the like, we do not factor your character's history in when we read their profile -- the thing we're concerned with is the sort of person they are right now, and whether they seem like an interesting character to RP with based off of that.
I wonder what I’ll get if I try combining this technique with those materials -- right now this is reading off more like a hobby than a virtue: you say a lot about what he likes to do here, but not very much about how this makes him a likable person. Are you trying to say that he's generally resourceful? If so, focus on that. If you're just trying to say that he generally likes to tinker around, add that to his Hobbies list or incorporate them into the relevant hobbies (jewelry, baking) you listed.
Better bad things happen to me than someone else -- okay, so... does he actually do anything with this trait, or does he just sit around being depressed about himself all the time? If he has such an incredibly low self-esteem, what I would recommend is to make that the flaw instead and explain how it affects his behavior in such a way that other people would find offputting.
A flaw has to be able to 1- irritate other characters in some way, 2- have repercussions on YOUR character. So if he really has that much of a depressive personality, then he is probably a bit of a killjoy to people around him in some way (I suggest against having him "bottle up" his emotions if at all possible, because that effectively removes them from playability / makes it uncountable as a flaw).
Day to day wariness hides vulnerable heart -- How is this a flaw? He's more open and honest around his friends, and takes serious consideration in what they have to say to him. Sounds like a virtue to me. A better way to go about this one would be to address what I'm assuming is the opposite: if he does not consider you a friend, he's not going to give a s**t about what you have to say and definitely isn't going to help you with anything.
Arian seems like someone who has kind of ludicrously high standards and expectations as far as friendship is concerned. If I'm correct in assuming this, it would be neat to see that worked into his flaw set.
Besides this... in general, the character you have appears to be one of those "distrustful of / emotionally detached from everyone but fiercely protective of the select few he actually trusts" types. I would highly, highly recommend trying to pull your character away from this archetype if you can: it's very overdone (not just here, but in RP in general) and can become sort of tiresome for people to work with. It's an antisocial personality with some convenient exceptions -- and the convenient exceptions make for a very weak profile.
What I'd suggest is to get rid of his "I just want to protect my little corner of the world" virtue entirely. This is pretty much because it would only ever apply to a select few people... which means it only applies to a select few situations, which makes it unviable. Along with this, it appears to give him an entirely different personality from what you're describing in the rest of the form, and that level of inconsistency is not going to fly.
Sorry I just covered personality and didn't touch on the attacks, here. This was getting kind of long. ^^;
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 2:29 pm
Hi Mouse,
Thanks for the crits, I'll work on the formatting and try and get it down to one/ two paragraphs.
Your crits on the flaw and virtue set was really useful as well, I'll have a look again at his character think on what about his traits make him come across as annoying/ irritating as well as what makes him likeable smile
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Feb 11, 2011 2:03 pm
Been a while since I've done anything with this quest - work has been crippling my free-time - however I've actually found some time to work on this smile
I've nixed all the flaws and replaced them and nixed and replaced a couple of the virtues.
Would love some crits to see if Arian works better now as a playable character smile and I'll happily do my best to crit back.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Feb 14, 2011 4:46 pm
Alright, Iitian! Down to business!
Arian is a pretty cute character, I like his sphere a lot.
In general, it seems like he has a come a long way (based on his older crits), so I think you're definitely going in the right direction.
-One thing about his hobbies is that they all seem pretty solitary. So I'm just wondering if maybe he could be in a jewelry/craft or baking club at school? Just to make him a bit more social and easier to interact with. I'm also curious why he bakes more when he's upset? Is it because making hot gooey cookies can "fix" all his problems? Hmm, like I like to bake when I'm happy, or for special occasions or people as treats. When I'm upset, I just want to gorge on chocolate (or eat raw cookie dough, screw baking it)... but I don't want to work for it. So I'm just wondering if there's a reason he bakes more when upset? (maybe he can be messier when upset and tidier when happy?)
- Also, I'd like to know how he got into baking and what he does with it? Ex: I have a couple amateur baker friends, they are ALWAYS making things, but one girl doesn't like sweets that much and she ends up giving it away usually. Does Arian like to make treats for people too? Does he use his goodies for bake sales? (Being in a baking club would be a great excuse for him to bake but not worry about what to 'do' with it all. Sometimes baking clubs/home ec. classes sell the food for fundraising or in the school cafe.)
-Can you elaborate a little on the 'what do you mean it's wrong' flaw? How stubborn is he, does he 'ignore' people when confronted with opposite view points or does he try to argue his side? I'd just like to see an example of how this trait might apply and to what situations. (Does that make sense? I'm really rambly)
-What type of subjects interest or disinterest Arian at school? Is there a way to get him interested?
-His attacks are really interesting, and I think they work nicely with your sphere. The only thing I can think to say is that there's a lot of information to read there and it takes up a lot of space. I think you should consider condensing it a bit (I honestly have a problem being concise myself). It's a little intimidating looking at page full of attack information for just one attack. So, my advice is: try to be as concise as possible, condense the sentences into one bulk paragraph (like 6-10 sentences maybe?), with one note to explain duration and limitations. Or you could even just put on note section at the end of the entire attack section that covers the "attack can't work on himself" type things (instead of under each attack).
I hope that helps you! Good luck!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Feb 15, 2011 2:15 pm
Hi zippedsiren, thanks for your crits
Not sure if Meadowview has a craft/ jewellery club, but if one exists then Arian would definately be a member (I'll tweak that hobby to reflect this). He most likely wouldn't be in a school bake-club as to him baking is more of a guilty little hobby. I've also attempted to tweak his running hobby as he'd be happy to act as a fill in runner (even though he has no real interest in running competatively ). With the reading hobby, he'd be spending a lot of the time in the library (he really likes libraries).
I've tried tweaking his baking hobby a little to explain why he bakes more when unhappy (basically he bakes choc chip cookies and pigs out on them). I've tried not to slip back story into his hobbies (with the exception of the jewellery-making), but essentially baking was something both his mother and granny (Nain) did a lot off. I wouldn't say he's someone who's constantly baking, Saffron's appartment isn't overflowing with desserts xd - mostly the result ends up as dessert, although he'll also bake treats for friends smile
I've tried tweaking the 'what do you mean it's wrong' flaw - basically when deliberating on something he spends so much time trying to look at all the angles that when he makes up his mind he thinks he's covered all the bases (even if he hasn't) and then because he can be pretty bull-headed he will keep on with that view-point to the point of ignoring (filtering out) view-points that contradict with his point of view. Hope it makes more sense
With the senshi attacks I've taken out all the notes, condensed them into about 14 points and put them as a FAQ in a separate post, I've also tried condensing the attack descriptions themselves
Re.school subjects, Arian prefers subjects which are more practical-based in nature (e.g. Art, Design and Technology etc). He likes Chemistry for the experiments, but isn't so keen on the homework aspect. He dislikes Maths and it's his worst subject.
Thanks again for your crits, they were really helpful.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Apr 13, 2011 7:05 pm
Have finally come up with a set of virtues and flaws for Athene now. So would love some more crits on both the student and senshi portion.
Happy to do return crits to the best of my ability smile
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Apr 17, 2011 1:02 am
I like the character and I get the main concept but I just had one comment. I'm not sure that being awkward qualifies as a full on flaw unless it's pretty severe. Lots of people have some sort of social anxiety and have it pretty well managed.
Other than that he seems like a very well put together character.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
