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 Posted: Wed Aug 04, 2010 9:38 am
K I T critique
n a m e
Nothing wrong here; though in her history you may want to explain why she chose the name Kit.
a g e
Remember, she is young. I'm 19 and I can't imagine myself in a fight with giant monsters. (Granted, I'm not a avian hybrid, but just so you get the point).
Just be sure to not have her be more experienced than she is. You can only have so much strength and knowledge at such a young age, so just be careful.
a p p e a r a n c e
The whole '90 pounds because of her bones' thing is a neat and unique idea; though you have to realize the downside of that. Bird's bones are more fragile than human's. That being said, any hard collision is going to hurt her more than it would a normal individual. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, but you're going to have to be aware of said factor during the rp.
I don't understand the whole wing and clothing situation. Wings with a fourteen foot span sound awfully big to me, and I can't picture them tucking neatly behind someone's back without being noticeable. Even if they are tucked in they would probably reach past her waist, and not only that, they would probably stick out quite a distance from her back as well. So perhaps you should take out the fact that she can hide them, or change it so that she can make them appear at will (however, that is a more magical approach). Also, if she is wearing a hoodie and a t-shirt and she spreads her wings the shirts would rip. If her wings were hidden beneath her clothes they would rip from bottom to top, and considering the size of her wings would probably rip her top off. That being said, I would go back and reexamine the whole wing situation. I like the idea of wings, but you need to fix it so it makes a bit more sense.
p e r s o n a l i t y
There is nothing here that I see wrong or anything, but there's a lot that I don't see here. All the traits you listed are negative traits. From what you wrote I get: worries about survival, claustrophobic, distrusts everyone, temper, headstrong, compulsive. Those are all very common traits, which isn't necessarily bad, but it doesn't create a well rounded character. You need to make your character unique, and perhaps try to add some things that has changed her personality due to the experimentation. Right now, there really is nothing special about the personality of your character, and after reading it I don't feel as though I get to know your character any better. You can add more about how she is young afraid, yearns for certain things, exploratory -- whatever you want really. Just try to make her more unique with more depth.
h i s t o r y
Interesting idea with the experimentation and everything; however, the actual history seems rather generic. I like the bird thing, I like the escape -- but it's not different than all of the other teenage dna experiment victims that I've seen. First thing you can do to develop this is to explain more about her world, and the 'School'. What was the purpose of this school? What did they do to her during the time she grew up? Did she befriend any of the people there? Was she educated in any way?
Speaking of education~
You said she was locked up in a dog crate and spent her free time watching birds. Now, I don't see anything in her history explaining any kind of education. Can she speak English? Not only that, but does she even have the mannerisms of a human? If she wasn't taught anything you have to make that more believable. If you say she was a locked up outcast of society then make sure that her intelligence matches that.
Also, I really hate when histories say 'something happened', but the writer fails to actually explain what happened. I usually take this as a sign of laziness or a sign that the writer isn't sure how to explain what they want to do. If you want to introduce some magic then do that, but explain in depth what happened when she escaped or else her escape really isn't all that believable.
Now you're giving yourself five years for her being on the run, that means she only has five years of experience when it comes to fighting. You also mention other hybrids that were mentioned earlier. At this point I haven't seen the word 'lupine' or 'Erasers', so you should definitely explained that. Also, why was she fighting? Were they trying to catch her for some reason? And if there are a lot of hybrids that she keeps running into, why are they not more accepted into society?
Also, explain what she had to do for survival more. Where did she live? Was she in a forest, or was she up north in snow and mountains? Was she traveling to a certain place -- maybe somewhere where she thought people like her would be accepted?
Basically, you really need to elaborate.
c o m b a t e x p e r i e n c e
You say she has street fighting under her belt, but wouldn't it make more sense for her to have some kind of fighting technique that uses the avian aspect of her instead? I like the fact that she is clueless about firearms though; it's good to make sure there is some weapon she can't handle.
o t h e r
That's fast -- really fast. This is when you need to explain any magical abilities she might have. If she's simply an avian hybrid then it doesn't make too much sense physically. Here's some quick info about high speed wings.
High speed wings
High speed wings are short, pointed wings that when combined with a heavy wing loading and rapid wingbeats provide an energetically expensive high speed. This type of flight is used by the bird with the fastest wing speed, the peregrine falcon, as well as by most of the ducks. The same wing shape is used by the auks for a different purpose; auks use their wings to "fly" underwater. The Peregrine Falcon has the highest recorded dive speed of 175 mph (282 km/h). The fastest straight, powered flight is the Spine-tailed Swift at 105 mph (170 km/h).
Now, I don't think her wings are 'short' and 'pointed', and I definitely don't think she is the same size as a bird that can travel so quickly. Also, the birds that go that fast aren't the ones that soar and land, and considering the wing span you gave her it would make more sense if she soared more like an eagle. If you want to introduce some magical abilities that she was given along with the avian dna then you could explain it to make more sense.
You also say her vision is like that of a bird of prey, but you gave her the wings of a raven. You need to clarify what kind of bird she was crossed with, or yet again say if it is a separate magical ability.
Now the mind thing, you did actually introduce some ability here, but it seems incredibly out of place. If you're going to give her an ability then why not give it something related to flight, or somehow to related to birds? If she was created it seems weird that they would've given her a dna additive that would've allowed her to influence people. Also, such a power really isn't going to help you in the setting of this rp, so why not give her some abilities that aid her more when it comes to combat (then you could possibly use whatever abilities you add to explain how she escaped so easily).
If you have any questions or would like to talk to me about ideas for abilities or the history or anything please let me know.
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Posted: Fri Aug 06, 2010 8:41 am
j u n critique
Okay, so first of all, this is an incredibly short profile. That being said, there isn't a whole lot for me to go off of for a review. Right now I can confidently tell you that you are going to have to elaborate on this character a lot. Of course I'm going to go through with the full critique, but it will be hard for me to be nit picky since there isn't a whole lot of information.
n a m e
Nothing wrong with this. Only thing I would have to say is to make sure the name correlates to where they are actually from.
a g e
I like that you picked an age that is out of the teen years. This gives you an opportunity to have both a more experienced and more mature character.
a p p e a r a n c e
There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a picture in your appearance. Most of the time I have a picture for my characters. However, there is only so much a picture can tell you about how the person looks so that is why the worded description is so vital. From the description you give me I really only get a basic idea of your character.
The weight seems kind of off to me though. I'm not an expert on men's weight or anything, but if he is an average build and 5'10 it seems like he should weigh a bit more. But yet again, I do not know much about the average weight of men.
You go through his different features very quickly instead of taking the take to explain them. You say he has silver eyes which seems to be a strange feature, so you could explain that they are from his heritage of whatever. You could also explain the expression he usually has on his face; whether his eyes are 'warm' or 'cold' when you look at him.
You also should keep your description together. For example, you say he has black hair and then later say that it is long. Keep all the hair description together. Also, if he fights often why doesn't he just cut it instead of tie it up? Explain a bit more of the reasoning of the appearance that you have for your character.
Never just say fancy to describe someone's clothing. Depending on your culture that could mean many different things. Is he adorned with expensive jewelry? Does he were furs? What is this fancy that you speak of? Also, you later say that he lives in the mountains, so you should explain his wardrobe in a way that is appropriate to where he lives.
p e r s o n a l i t y
From this I really don't learn much about your character. You say that his personality matches his location, but what does that mean? It's cold, so he's cold? Is that the only thing you have to say about his personality? You can say that he avoids people and that when he speaks to people he appears cold and ruthless, but after doing so you should explain why he does such a thing. Was he betrayed in a way that caused him to become apathetic and uncaring towards others? Does he have a reason for caring about his study of magic more than association with others?
Talking about his sense of humor isn't a bad thing either, but you really need go into more depth with his personality. After reading your description all I know is that your character is cold with a poor sense of humor. What are his positive traits? What traits really define him?
You need to define your character more when it comes to your description of them, instead of just filling out a profile with a sub par description.
h i s t o r y
Yet again, this is incredibly short. The word 'history' implies that it would be all the things that have happened in his past, not just recently. You said that he is a crabby man but you fail to include any information regarding his childhood. If you were to write a history that characterized yourself I'm sure you would include more than just your current state.
When writing a history you need to start at the beginning and develop your character through their lifetime. You say that he wanted to focus on his studies, but when was it that he discovered his powers and his desire to focus on his studies and his studies alone? Did he always live in the mountains, or did he only retreat to the mountains after becoming annoyed with people.
You say he spent eight years in the mountains, but you should explain more what he does up there. Does he perform experiments, does he study books, or does he fight?
c o m b a t x e x p e r i e n c e
First of all, you say he was forced to be with people which you failed to say in your history, which should've been included.
Now with the occasional brawl -- who were the idiots and why were they bothering him? You need to go into more detail about the actual experience that he had. You also say he had training which implies that the culture that they live in is one that values warriors perhaps, so explain why it is that they had him trained. Was magic common, or was he an outcast because of it?
o t h e r
When you introduce any kind of magic ability you need to explain it in depth. Is his ability native to where he lived, and how was he trained to use it? Does he need a source of water present or can he use his abilities without water? Just go into more detail, because you always want to make sure you have all the information about their ability established before you begin rping. Otherwise you start having the issue of just 'adding' abilities to your liking once faced with a certain situation.
So the basic overall critique is to elaborate on the information you have already and to develop your character more.
If you have any questions or anything either post them here or pm me. :]
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Posted: Fri Aug 06, 2010 10:19 am
((I'm just making sure that he is good for the battle and such. Critique as much as you want. I'm ready! :3 Yeah, I know there isn't much. I wasn't really inspried with this guy. sweatdrop ))
Name:
David C. Rama
Age:
52
Gender:
male
Appearance: (in words)
He has a rugged wilderness look to his face. A beard is on his face as well as a couple of small scars around his eyebrows and eyes. His head is completely bald and has a tattoo of a snake on it. His body is muscluar, but not body-builder muscluar. His clothing is basically the same as Aragorn's from the First Lord of the Rings.
Personality:
He is the quite and calm type. Not talkative, but his few words seem to flow wiseness beyond his years. He is quite intelligent due to experience and good memory. David does help others, but he is willing to leave people behind if they aren't willing to help themselves.
History:
He comes from where there is nothing but war. His entire life has been fighting and battle. David doesn't remember many peaceful times in his years of life. They mostly occured during his short childhood before being sent off to the military. Now after many years, he had been thinking of retiring and try to rise a family even though it is late in the game.
Combat experience:
He was trained as a soldier since the age of thirteen. Most of his career in the military has been one of serving others for the betterment of all. His sword has killed many in what his people believe was justice. David has lead a couple of battles in his lifetime. All of them were victories. He doesn't prefer to be leader however and does better helping the leader and his allies. His main speciality is swords, spears, and crossbows.
Other:
He is good at both fire and dark magic, the two magic's to be opposite's by his people because fire is light to them.
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Posted: Sat Aug 28, 2010 5:44 am
T W I T C H critique
I probably won't have too much to say about this character because, honestly, I really like this character. I will try to give a few critiques where I think there could be improvement.
n a m e
Fun name. :3
a g e
Good for you for picking an older character. This helps to guarantee experience and will make his skill more realistic.
a p p e a r a n c e
This is original, and that is always something that I love to see in any character. I do feel as though you could go into a bit more detail about his appearance - maybe some more information on his hands, feet, et cetera.
Usually I say the appearance needs to be longer, but with the type of character that Twitch is that doesn't seem all that necessary.
p e r s o n a l i t y
This is definitely where you need some elaboration. If you can sum up someone's personality in a couple sentences then they probably don't have all that much character. In your personality you should really make it so that the reader can see depth in your character, and then you as the writer should be able to use that depth to role play them with skill.
You could go into more detail as to why he is meek and easy going. Is that common for Armand, or is he an outcast or something of that sort. Also, make sure you are always highlighting both the positives and negatives of your character's personality. Explain their bad traits as well as their good traits. You say he is slow to anger, but how does he act when he is angry?
Basically, more detail would be nice.
h i s t o r y
Considering the fact that you are introducing a character that is a race that the reader is probably not familiar with you really need to make sure you are explaining a lot. Explain more at the Armand people, because if you don't say do so here there really isn't anywhere else that you would. You also seemed to brush over major parts of his life very quickly. You said he was separated from his family, but you failed to explain why thats happened and the effect that it had on him. Also, go into more detail about his life there. Was there any sort of revelation that he had, did he meet someone important to him, et cetera.
Essentially, just try and make your character deeper when it comes to their past. Really thing through what happened to them prior to this point and then develop your character accordingly.
c o m b a t e x p e r i e n c e
I really have nothing to say about this. I like that you're incorporating what he learned at the monastery, because that actually makes sense.
o t h e r
Yet again, I like this. It's realistic for your character and makes sense. Good job. :]
Sorry I didn't have too much to say, but if you have any questions just let me know.
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Posted: Mon Feb 14, 2011 4:27 pm
Name: Bellatrix
Age 18
Aperence: my charachter is my avi
Personality: Bellatrix is easy going.Bellatrix is almost never mad unless its something serious and when she is mad you should probobly go hide for your own good
History: She was abandoned as a baby and left on the doorstep of a kind widow named Victoria. Victoria already had a girl of her own named Eliza but she took care of Bellatrix as if she were her own. When she was 16 Bellatrix discovered she was a witch. Because she was abandoned Bellatrix has always wanted to meet her real family and that is her goal in life. Even if she meets her real family Bellatrix has promised that she will never forget Victoria or Eliza she often says that they are the best things that ever happend to her
combat experience: Bellatrix uses a monks staff
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