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 Posted: Wed Jun 02, 2010 10:13 pm
❀ May 31stThere are two very specific kinds of aches that a body can feel. Well, in my experience, only two. Good and bad. There are many degrees of each, and many varieties, but in the end, an ache can be sweet or it can be sour. I have often felt both, though I must say that I infinitely prefer the sort of ache that comes after a day's hard work, because there is a certain sort of satisfaction that rides along its heels.
I had a long, fulfilling day, as I generally do. Even Junko stuck around for the majority of her shift, which is a small blessing if you're counting. I can't help but feel like she did so out of guilt, so I'm waiting to see the other shoe dropped... sometimes, I really wonder about that girl. Is it really such a hardship to be a part of the family? To care about one another, to help? I wish she were more like Masami at times, but then, I love her just as she is as well.
Love is complicated, and frustrating. It would be much easier if she would simply open herself to it, but of course, she cannot do the simple thing even when it is staring her in the face. Mother seems amused when I mention this, and opines that she is very much like someone else we both know.
I do not appreciate her implications.
Ah, it's much later than I usually go to sleep, and there is a curious reason for that. Well, not so much curious, as absolutely wretched -- the individual, that is. Bataar. Iseul came calling, as he generally does, when he finds an unfortunate soul in need of assistance, and I went to go find him.
Allow me to say, journal, that I have never seen someone in a sorrier state. I assumed him to be a starving, middle-aged homeless man; he certainly smelled like one. Ate ravenously, too, with just his hands. I could tell that my assistance was very much needed, and made up my mind instantly to bring him back to the inn and take care of him. Who else was going to take care of this man? He clearly had no one who loved him overmuch, or they would not have let him get into such a state.
I brought him home and managed to get him into the bath, and it was then that I realized he had likely been in the alley of his own doing. His only issue, apparently, was being hungry. The man does not mind the grime and filth that was all over him. He actually detested the bath. I had to force him back in at least twice! Preposterous.
And then, while I was scrubbing his hair, he had the audacity to fall asleep. I have never before, in my life, seen someone sleep more soundly. It was ridiculous. It took me the better part of an hour to cleanse his hair, drag him out of the tub, and get him into a spare room. He is enormously heavy.
I'm certain that has everything to do with the fact that the man is extraordinarily muscled. Very, very well muscled. In fact, beneath the mud and heaven only knows what else, his body is near flawless. I know this, because I labored over scrubbing nearly every inch of him. I have never seen someone who took such exquisite care of their build and so wholly disregarded their own appearance. I have never dreamed of looking the way this man does merely in his own skin, and I never will. Not only has he rigorously trained his body, but he is tall and broad, and rather well proportioned on top of it.
Anyhow, it was a task. And on top of that, when I finally managed to get him into bed, I had to scrub the kitchen, and the bath as well. There was mud everywhere, filth coating the side of the bath... to think that he simply went into the water without even attempting to chip the grime off his body. I shudder to think of it. Still, I feel I have done a very good thing.
At least for a day, that man looks respectable. He is in a warm bed, will have a solid breakfast tomorrow, and I will help him find his mysteriously moving tent. If, anyhow, that tent does exist, and he is not merely delusional or suffering from a terrible brain fever.
At this point, either seems more likely than the actual physical evidence of the tent.
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Posted: Mon Jun 07, 2010 10:56 am
❀ June 1stJunko has done it again.
Why she persists in being so -- I do not even have the proper words to describe how aggravating my sister can be at times. It's as though she takes vicious pleasure in being as wild as is humanly possible; as though she thinks our parents will never set their foot down and put a stop to her behavior. She finds the line by crossing it, is constantly testing boundaries and flaunting her independence, but not in a respectable way befitting a woman of her station. She is so frustrating to me.
The sad thing is, our parents likely never will take her in hand. As the only son it falls to me to carry on the family's legacy, to marry and run the inn, or perhaps go into the venture at Masami's side. She is very interested in the inn as well, and would no doubt be a valuable business partner if it came to that, but she will no doubt want to marry one day. I, too, long for the companionship and comfort of a family, the joy of holding a child that I have created, teaching him or her everything that I have learned over the course of my life. If, heaven forbid, something should happen to me, then of course Masami would be next in line to take up the inn herself... Junko will never have any real responsibility.
And that is the problem. This is what I could not express to Qian Jianyu, the young man working in the tattoo parlor. We had distinctly different views on life and what would make a fulfilling one, but that is not surprising considering we are two different people. Though our conversation began rocky at best, we met on common ground and I found that I enjoyed myself. He seems to be a pleasant, well-articulated man; we enjoyed a meal together and he was properly appreciative of my cooking, which made him raise in my esteem. Even though Junko frustrates me to no end, she at least chose a respectable establishment to obtain her garish tattoo in, this I will say.
I would not mind meeting Jianyu again. As of late, I have been spending more and more time either at the inn or running errands for it, and outside of Ran, I have had very little companionship outside of my family. It would be nice to make another friend, especially one that I could have intelligent conversation with.
Tomorrow, I will deal with Junko.
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Posted: Mon Jun 07, 2010 10:57 am
❀ June 2ndIt was another uneventful day. As I write this, I am quite satisfied with life at just the moment; things are as they should be around the inn for the majority, and I made an excellent deal on some yellowtail this morning. There was a young vendor, likely new to the business of selling his fish, and I took pity on him and examined his goods. I could have purchased fish from one of the usual vendors, but as I was not on official inn business, I saw no harm in perusing the stalls to see what the competition could offer. After all, that is the way of things in the market.
The young man, Kiran, was pleasant enough. He was obviously unused to haggling and it was no trouble to talk his price down, which I of course did. I felt a little bad as he had already undercut the general market price, but that, as well, is the way of things. In order to start in a business you must be willing to take some losses, so in a way, I aided him even as I took slight advantage of him. I could have talked him down to a much lower price, I'm certain, and threatened him more; I am easily recognizable in the market as the son of the Koga family, and for me to walk away from his stall would have been a hit to his already flagging business.
I do not have a tremendous ego, but of course because of the family I belong to, I was in a position to make or break him. Iseul helped, as well, and it is my earnest hope that he begins to turn a better profit on his fish. He seems like a very nice young man. Nice enough that I offered to give him cooking lessons, and I find myself hoping he will take me up on them. I don't mind imparting my wisdom in the least, and as I am already teaching Shizuka here and there, it really won't be any large inconvenience for me. He is a grown man besides, or if he is not he will be soon, and so he really ought to know how to feed himself in the event that he finds that he is suddenly living on his own.
It was a good day. I look forward to tomorrow.
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Posted: Mon Jun 07, 2010 10:58 am
❀ June 4thIf ever I had a nice thing to write about Qian Jianyu, I take it back. Every last word. While he seemed tolerable enough when I met him, despite the fact that he was tattooing my sister, I forgave him for that as he was only doing his job. Wandering to my family's ryokan in a drunken stupor with his... his boyfriend is quite another matter. Not only that, but engaging in a public display in the baths! Nevermind no one was in there but myself, Bataar, and Jianyu; it was extremely disrespectful. Childish. Immature!
My hand shakes as I write, because I cannot believe that a pair of grown men could be so puerile. Bataar, I am used to -- Bataar, it is not so strange to have bellowing for me from the bath, because he seems to have some sort of deeply ingrained aversion to cleanliness, and refuses to scrub himself. I consent to doing so mostly for my own peace of mind, as well as the (somewhat) futile hope that I will never again have to chip mud and grime from his body as I did that first night. Regardless, Bataar's lack of manners are common course for me now, and I pay them little mind.
Qian Jianyu, however.
I will speak freely here, because this is the only place that I may. Matching tattoos! The imbeciles have matching tattoos. One another's names, on their lower backs. A permanent testament to what is certain to only be a fleeting passion, given the fact that they bicker so strongly in front of one another. Relationships in general I disapprove of, mostly because they are a waste of effort, but theirs is simply... preposterous. What kind of couple will argue in a public facility? In plain hearing of anyone who would pass by? What kind of couple would drag an innocent bystander into the fray?
Because yes, I was dragged in. I was actually lifted up and hurled into the bath, in my own home. My skin was scalded, and I have a bruise on my hip from where I landed, which impresses me just about not at all. So not only are these two remarkably ill-suited, but they are also in the habit of disrupting a respectable, well-known business.
... hmph. That is only part of the reason why I am upset, I will admit.
I hate when my friends enter into relationships. I am angry, and I am hurt, and I do not want to admit to either of them, but it's true. Bataar didn't say anything about a relationship. He's simply been coming and going, having a meal or a bath, helping here and there when I require it, and not a word of it has passed his lips. I'm sure this is going to end precisely the same way it always does -- he will get caught in the rush of his relationship and spend all his time with Jianyu, and I... will be left behind. As always. And this is not simply me predicting the most dire of circumstances, because it has happened before.
I would know, I have done this before. Though I have not dated many women, I have dated, and I know that when I enter into a relationship I do so with a single-minded intensity. As it should be, my girlfriend becomes the focus of my spare time, though I of course do not entirely neglect my friends, as I'm certain Bataar will. The fact that Jianyu clearly does not like me will only further reinforce this behavior.
I don't like my friends being taken away from me. If you had asked me two days ago, I would not have said Bataar was a very good friend of mine. I simply hadn't thought about it. But I look forward to him coming by! He eats heartily, and he is pleasant enough company. Reliable company. He is company!
Company that does not mind coming to me.
Company that Jianyu is going to take away, I'm certain.
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Posted: Mon Jun 07, 2010 10:59 am
❀ June 5thShe Says, Days Go By
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Posted: Mon Jun 07, 2010 11:00 am
❀ June 6thFreedom is Being Alone
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Posted: Mon Jun 07, 2010 11:01 am
❀ June 6thI've just put Bataar to bed.
To be honest, I was startled when he arrived at my door. I am used to aiding those in need, of course, and providing food and shelter to help one back on their feet, but it isn't often that my friends show up with blood and bruises littering their body. As the war progresses I imagine we will give shelter to more than one Noble in a similar state, or worse, though that does little to comfort me. This could be considered good practice, but to be perfectly honest, the Nobles and their cause were the furthest thing from my mind as I tended him. My only concern was... tha this was my friend and he needed me.
I can admit, if only to my own self, that I am proud of that. Bataar and I don't know one another entirely well, but the fact that he knew he could come to me -- asked for me specifically -- that he trusts me to care for him when he is disoriented and injured? It warms me. I have never wanted to be a doctor, though I have learned a thing or two from Ran's family over the years, so I can manage things such as field dressings and simple maintenance for wounds. Still, I do enjoy caring for others, especially my friends, and it gives me great satisfaction to know that he is fast asleep a few rooms down and his clothing is hanging up to dry.
I... I find that I am fulfilled when I take care of someone. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, pressing clothes... all of these things make me happy, but taking care of someone makes me feel more complete, somehow. I am hesitant to mention this outside of the pages of this journal, however, because caring for others is largely viewed as a feminine trait, and I hardly want to invite any more ridicule on that behalf. Gender stereotypes are strong and irritating, especially when it concerns me, it seems; having so many sisters, the favorite pastime of the general population seems to be to compare me to them.
Bataar, even, seems to view me in such a manner, though he doesn't comment on it overmuch. Perhaps this is why I like him as well as I do, and why I am so content knowing that he is my friend. He seems to be too simple to condemn me for my choices of hobbies or my ambitions, and though he is stubborn, he bends to my will regarding bathing. He enjoys my cooking, and sincerely trusts and esteems me -- he obviously does, or he would not come to me for assistance. He is a valuable friend of mine.
I am afraid, I realize, that he will disappear. That Jianyu will take him from me, and along with him, he will take this feeling of contentment, security, fulfillment. What will I do if Bataar begins to turn to Jianyu for aid and comfort? I hate this idea with everything that I have inside of me. Jianyu is not a delicate man, or at least, I have seen little of the thoughtful man whom I first met... I can't imagine they have a healthy relationship but it seems to suit Bataar's needs, and I am afraid to ask him about it. I don't want to hear how much more he esteems Jianyu, I don't want to know. I want to always take care of my friend, I want him to know that he can come to me, I want...
I want to be the most important person. I want this, not only from Bataar but from my sisters, from my parents. I want to be valued and loved, and the only way I know how to earn this is through proving to the people I care for that I am indispensable. I can care for them in ways that no other can, I will wipe away their tears, soothe their hurts, be there for them when others would leave. This is the way that I endear myself to others, and I don't want that taken away from me.
At least tonight, it seems that it won't be. Tonight, I will be grateful for the friends I have. Tomorrow, I will check on Bataar again, and I will cook him a glorious breakfast.
He'll remember who his friend is.
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Posted: Mon Jun 07, 2010 11:03 am
❀ June 7thWhispers in the Dark
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Posted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 5:48 pm
❀ June 8thFailure to Communicate + Because Shut Up, That's Why
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Posted: Fri Oct 29, 2010 11:45 am
❀ June 10thCooking Is Fun, Right?
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Posted: Fri Oct 29, 2010 11:47 am
❀ June 11thBringing Sexy Back
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Posted: Fri Oct 29, 2010 11:50 am
❀ June 12thWhere is the Love + Battle
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Posted: Fri Oct 29, 2010 11:52 am
❀ October 17thThey Did WHAT?! + battle
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Posted: Fri Oct 29, 2010 11:54 am
❀ October 27thIt's Just Not Manly
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Posted: Fri Oct 29, 2010 11:54 am
❀ October 29thThe Only Exception
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