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 Posted: Fri Jun 11, 2010 12:09 pm
Gah - I FINALLY get round to commenting on this! Sorry for taking so long.
Again, you introduce some interesting characters, and the dynamic between them is set up nicely, though you could do with expanding this more in this chapter or in the next one. It's good to see how Adrian deals with these situations; though falling down the stairs is such an obvious excuse that it suggests that she's either a really good liar or people prefer to accept less horrible explanations.
The writing pretty good, as per usual, though you could do with editing the second sentence to make it read a bit better. Perhaps: "since I’ve really only came to school like this - what? - four times in the last three years, and I‘m really clumsy".
One slight problem I have with the end of the chapter is that it's quite repetitive; we already know everything apart from the last two sentences, so it isn't a particularly interesting entry. You could probably fix it by swapping things round so you've got less 'telling' of events and more about Adrian's opinions.
It'll be good to see what comes next. smile
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Posted: Sat Jun 12, 2010 11:34 am
It's cool, we all take forever postin' at times. And thanks for the suggestions, I'll try to post some more soon!
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Posted: Mon Jun 21, 2010 11:34 am
CHAPTER FIVE
“Adrian!” Andrew’s voice came from behind me as I walked across toward the school, backpack slung over my right shoulder.
“Hey,” I said, smiling when he hugged me tightly.
“How was your weekend?” He let go off me and grabbed my hands, intertwining his fingers with mine.
“Great. Yours?” I asked, smiling at him as we started walking toward the school.
“Could’ve been better,” he replied, smiling back.
“How?” I asked, pretty sure I knew what his answer would be.
“If you had been there.” He stared intently at me.
“How did I know you were gonna say that?” I rolled my eyes, laughing slightly.
“But it’s true,” he said, seriously.
“Really?” I asked, still cautious.
“Yah,” he murmured, pulling me toward him then kissing me.
I kissed him back but this time the little voice in my head only said one thing: Conner.
“We gotta get to class,” I whispered, pulling away then twisting out of his arm, grabbing his hand, and pulling him toward Mrs. Anderson’s classroom.
“You’re still gonna sit with me at lunch aren’t you?” he asked as we walked into the classroom.
“As long as you want me to,” I replied, smiling at him.
“I’ll always want you to, no matter what Mackie and her minions think or what Alex does.” He smiled at me and I smiled back.
“I don’t think Melanie’s completely under Mackie’s control, she seems to have a mind of her own,” I told him, feeling like I should stand up for her.
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Posted: Sat Jul 17, 2010 11:08 am
(Chapter Five Continued) “I remember when we were younger, before Mackie moved to town she and I used to be best friends. That was a long time ago though and she’s a different person now so don’t be fooled by whatever crap she’s pulling now; don’t get pulled into their drama.” He stared at me intently.
“You should know by now that that could never happen,” I told him, staring back as I took my seat.
“Good. I don’t think I could stand you turning into one of them,” he said, smiling at me then sitting on top of his desk, still facing me.
“I thought you liked girls like that?” I raised my eyebrows, a habit I really wished I could quit.
“No; I like girls like you,” he told me and the smile I gave him was a little strained since all I could think about was Conner. The bell saved me from saying anything
I felt my phone vibrate and immediately looked at it. Conner had texted me. Wanna ditch the rest of today? We could drive to the pier.
I wanted to but I knew that rumors would fly here. Well more than they already were since someone(No doubt Mackie or one of her minions.) had apparently told everyone I was cheating on Andrew with Conner(That’s what I get from all the whispers around me at least.) even though Andrew and I weren’t even dating. No. I’m getting sucked into the drama even though I promised Andrew I wouldn’t. Wait, I can’t believe this. I’m turning into one of them. The old me wouldn’t have blamed anyone for rumors or drama, she would have just shaken off any rumors and keep herself out of the drama. I needed to get away from here for a while so I texted Conner back. Yah. Meet you by your bike when the bell rings?
He texted back a few moments later. Alrighty. My bike’s in the shadows near the exit. See you in a few.(o:
See you. I shoved my phone back in my pocket and scooped up my stuff as the bell rang.
“Where ya goin’?” Andrew asked as I walked toward one of the school’s exits.
“I’m gettin’ out of here for a while. Conner and I are gonna head to the pier for the day,” I said, grabbing the door handle.
“Why?” he asked, sounding a little mad as he grabbed my arm and spun me around. Something about his tone ticked me off. Why the hell was he mad?
“Why what?” I glared at him.
“Why are you choosing to go with him instead of staying here with me?” He glared back.
“Because I can,” I replied, ripping my arm from his grasp and running out the door toward Conner’s bike.
“What’s wrong?” Conner asked the moment I got to his bike. My face must have given away something.
“It’s nothing,” I said the moment footsteps started coming from behind me.
“Adrian! Adrian, please! I’m sorry!” Andrew’s voice came from behind me but I took my helmet from Conner’s hand and shoved it on my head as Conner started his bike.
“Hurry, please,” I whispered in his ear as I wrapped my arms tightly around his waist. He nodded and took off, leaving Andrew and everything else behind us.
---
Dear Journal,
Today started out ok but things took a bad turn during first period. I realized that I was actually turning into one of them. I didn’t want to believe it but it was true; I cared more about what other people thought of me than what I thought of myself. I took people’s comments to heart and when I heard the rumors about Conner and I it made me wish I could just crawl into a hole. Then after that Andrew got mad when I decided to ditch with Conner and I saw a side of him that I really don’t care for, in fact, I hate it. There’s a lot more to him than I thought and I’m not sure I like the part of him I saw today so how much more of him is like that? I need to know and I will find out but for now I just need to stick with the plan. The rest of the day thought was fine; Conner and I hung out by the pier and looked at all the little shops and then Kaitlin crashed at Megan‘s because her parents decided to take an unexpected second honeymoon and she didn‘t want to be home alone. But I had a good time Conner and I realized there are a lot of things I love about him. Who knew I’d start falling for the guy I’ve know most of my life, my best friend?
-Adrian Allious
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Posted: Tue Nov 09, 2010 6:51 pm
Alrighty, so I probally won't be posting here for a really long time and when I do it will probally be to tell you to check out the rewritten one. But for right now check out "Color?" my new novel. I posted the first chapter on here and I probally won't post anymore but I'll leave the link to my booksie so y'all can read the rest! Thanks!
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