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No Longer A Destiny –

[…After “Reevaluation” and “Just for Reference”]

It was no secret that Lilith’s mind was splitting in half. While most who regarded her could not see it, she could definitely feel it, and it was constantly – particularly in recent days – threatening to take over her completely and utterly, leaving her as a mere shell of her former self… She did not exactly have a former self to be rid of, really. All of her existence and her purpose did lay in that which she did not want any longer…. Now, it lay in what she had right now: a life, here, in one of the most hated and despised places and organizations in the modern day. How ironic it was, then, that she had found love there.

Ah, that love… It was a bittersweet angel, truly. Lilith knew in her heart that she loved Sorano, and she knew that he knew. As far as the other way around was concerned, though… There, she was not totally sure any longer. That one night not too long ago still bit at the edges of Lilith’s subconscious, taunting her and rotting her. She was a coward, and a fool. This she was fully aware of. But how could she make it up to Sorano…? She knew not how.

To top it all off, her method of coping with that particular bump in the road was… less than recommendable. Not only did she down more than half a bottle of wine, resulting in her getting uncomfortably drunk, but she also did so with a woman with whom Lilith had had less-than-savory encounters with in the past. It appalled even herself. And so, like a sinner crawling her way to confession, Lilith slowly made her way to a very familiar place: the office of a certain psychologist. With her hand balled into a fist, Lilith weakly knocked on the door and spoke with an equally weak voice.

”Doctor Scott? Hey… Are you in there? Please? I need to talk to you.”

The doctor in question, Isadora, was busy slouching at her computer, typing something for who knew what. Perhaps even she herself did not know. Either way, it was not the most interesting thing in the world to write, and so Isadora was having a rough time getting in all out on paper – or rather, on computer screen. Type, type, type, swig of near-flat soda, type, glance at clock, type, pause and stare at words for thirty seconds, type… The cycle was very quickly becoming a bore.

Suddenly, a knock on her office door sent Isadora’s cycle completely out of whack. That wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, though. The Arcanine near Isa’s feet perked her ears up at the sound and growled softly. The doctor took a moment to bend down and scratch behind the large Pokemon’s ear before she stood and walked over to the door, relieved to have something to distract herself with. When she opened the door, the woman was slightly surprised to see one of her most frequent patients standing there: Lilith Thornton. A smile appeared on Isadora’s face. ”Ah, Lilith, it’s good to see you. Please, come in.”

With that, Isadora gestured her hand into her office, inviting her patient in. Lilith did as she was bidden, nodding gratefully to the older woman and stepping into the room. ”Thank you,” she said as she made her way over to the couches, though Isadora could not help but recognize a certain daze-like quality to the way Lilith walked. Interesting, but most likely nothing, the doctor reasoned as she closed the door behind her.

”It’s no trouble at all, Lilith. You know I’m always here if you need to talk to me.” In response to this statement, Lilith gave a small smile. ”Yeah… And I appreciate it, truly.” The younger of the two women sat herself down on one of the couches, and the older sat opposite her patient. There was a brief moment of silence in the room before Isadora spoke.

”Now then… what is it you wanted to talk to me about? Anyhting troubling you lately?”

Lilith’s gaze avoided that of the doctor’s, and she bit her lip before responding. ”…Yes,” she began hesitantly. Even though she and the psychologist had been talking for quite some time now, it still took a considerable amount of effort for Lilith to actually begin talking about her troubles. After that bump in the road was passed, the rest came tumbling out in a cascade of words and the occasional tear. ”Yes, I have been troubled lately. Right now, most of it is with, y’know… Sorano?”

”Ah, yes, I recall…” Isadora propped her elbow on the arm of the couch and rested her head on her hand. ”I recall you talking to me about that little wall you faced with him. About how you refused intercourse with him at the last moment by asking him that question. You said that it seemed to have hurt him a lot, yes?”

”Yeah, and, well, I talked with a… a friend of mine a little while back about the whole thing. He was really logical about it, and he… He reassured me about it, and convinced me to talk to Sorano about it.” Her eyes finally made contact with Isadora’s: a sign that she was opening up and coming out of her shell. ”His advice made a lot of sense, and I really want to talk to Sorano now, but…”

”But…?”

”…But I’m still scared. I’m scared of what the answer might be if I do ask him if he cares more about sex than me. It’s so silly of me to think that, I know, but I just can’t shake that uncertainty.”

Here, Isadora slowly shook her head. ”You shouldn’t feel bad about being curious about such things, Lilith. You can’t read Sorano’s mind, and you’ll never know what his emotions are on something if you don’t ask him. Communication is a key factor in every successful relationship, and so by asking him honestly and openly, you can be positive about it and know if he is as well.”

Slowly, Lilith nodded her head. Her eyes, however, were away from Isadora’s own again. ”Yeah… I guess so.”

Isadora blinked, staying silent for a moment, then sighed shortly and regarded her patient with calm curiosity. ”…Is there anything else that’s troubling you? Any problems with the other people around base?”

At this next question, Lilith paused before answering. There was the slight, slight dilemma with Lennyka, but… She had not even told Isadora about that yet. For some reason, it seemed better to let that problem be hers and Soranos alone. No need for anyone else to get involved and potentially hurt. ”…No,” was her hesitant answer.

Isadora frowned slightly, noticing the pause and apprehension of Lilith’s words. No doubt she was hiding something from her, but it was her choice to talk to the doctor. If there were things that Lilith did not want to talk to Isa about, then by no means would she pry. Before she could dwell on the thought any longer, though, Lilith spoke.

”…The problem isn’t the other people. The problem is me.” Her expression as she spoke was unreadable due to her face being hidden behind the shadow of her hair. Her voice, for the most part, was calm and level. ”I don’t know what to believe anymore. Not the voice of reason, nor the voice of logic, nor the voice of my superiors or my peers or even myself. I feel… lost.”

As she spoke, her voice began to shake and her body began to tremble. ”I… I’ve done some investigation. A little bit of research. And… I have this sneaking suspicion that… what I’ve believed in and what I have known for… for my whole life… is just a lie.” A pause. ”My faith is crumbling. My entire world is crumbling.”

Isadora did not know what to say. Her pursed her lips together and looked away for a moment. Ooh… This was heavy. She had always known that Lilith was fragile as she was, but… If she had discovered something that had completely rocked her world, then who knew what might happen? It was something that she didn’t really want to think about or consider at the moment.

By now, Lilith had begun crying and was near sobbing. Her face was hidden in her hands and her body now shuddered violently. It was rather pitiful to see, and it broke Isadora’s heart. She calmly picked herself up and walked over to her desk, picking up a clean teacup as she did. She retrieved some hot water from her small kettle and a packet of chamomile tea and handed the drink to her patient.

”Here,” she said kindly as she handed over the cup, ”drink this. It’ll calm you down.”

Lilith slowly took the cup of hot liquid, revealing her tear-stained face as she did so. She took a tentative sip, testing the temperature, then took a larger gulp. Isadora, meanwhile, sat back down on the couch opposite her patient, replacing her elbow on the couch’s arm and propping her head on her hand. Lilith gasped as she took the cup away from her lips, and Isadora noticed the cup was nearly empty.

”Heh… Well, enough about my problems, mm? What have you been up to, doc? I haven’t talked to you in a while. Gotten yourself a nice boyfriend yet?” She half-chuckled, half-hiccupped. Isadora smiled good-naturedly.

”Ah, no real luck there. Some of us aren’t as blessed as you.” Lilith rolled her eyes and grimaced. Isadora shrugged her shoulders.

”Well… Let’s see. I went on a mission. That was… eventful.” The doctor pursed her lips yet again. ”I got pulled into the mud by a certain cranky Elite. That wasn’t terribly fun.” She huffed slightly as she recalled that incident. She still hadn’t forgiven Seth for that, even if it wasn’t intentional. He could have at least had the decency to apologize to her and Faleen. ”Besides that, the mission itself was successful, and we got a powerful prisoner out of it, so that wasn’t too bad.”

Lilith listened with interest. She had heard some rumors about an influential prisoner from one of the missions, but she had no idea what exactly the mission was about. ”Um, if you don’t mind me asking, what was the object of the mission you went on, anyway?”

Isadora blinked in surprise. ”Huh? Oh, I don’t mind, no. We were ordered to capture the Pokemon Kyogre.”

Suddenly, Lilith’s eyes seemed to dim, and her voice grew quiet and distant. ”…What?”

Unknowing of Lilith’s state of shock, Isadora continued on. ”Yes, it was a doozy, all right. Bloody thing nearly killed us, but we did finally manage to capture it. Really quite amazing, actually. And what was more amazing was that Seth’s Shadow Lugia! My goodness, that thing was a behemoth! It was powerful, too: much more powerful than any other Pokemon I’ve seen bef-…” Finally aware of something wrong, Isadora stopped and looked over to Lilith. ”Lilith…? Are you all right…?”

What Isadora would quickly find, though, was that Lilith was in no way all right. Her eyes were wide and her breath shallow and quick. All color had drained from her face. When she spoke, she spoke in a hoarse whisper, hardly even audible.

”…Kyore…? And Lugia…? No… No… No, no, no… No, this can’t… Can’t be… happening…”

Something clicked in Isadora, and she quickly reached out a comforting hand to Lilith. This was bad. This was very bad. ”Now, Lilith, don’t get worked up. Lilith, please calm down… Please, Lilith, let’s just think calmly about this…”

The psychologist’s words did not reach Lilith’s words, unfortunately. Her shock had filtered out all sounds, allowing her only to hear what Isadora had said over and over again in her mind. Capture the Legendaries, capture the Legendaries, capture the Legendaries…

”It was all a lie.” All this time… All this time, and she had no idea! She had no clue! She was blind – blind and ignorant to the truth. These weren’t gods she was worshipping! They were regular, old Pokemon, able to be captured like lowly Rattata! They had deceived her! They lied!

Without another word, Lilith turned tail and bolted out of the doctor’s office. The door slammed with a resounding “boom!” behind her, and a large “thunk!” could be heard from outside as she hit the side of the hall in her effort to run, run, run away as fast as she could away from the inescapable truth.

Isadora stood, staring wide-eyed at the door where Lilith made her hasty depart. She sighed heavily and rubbed the back of her aching neck. ”…s**t.”