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 Posted: Tue Mar 02, 2010 4:32 am
I know it hasn't been too long since my last updates, but this is really for my own marking so I know what's been worked on and when it was. Sorry if I drive you all crazy with this... >___< I plan on a well-worked quest and I want to be aware of what has been tweaked and what remains to be done from my next set of crits/re-thinking the quest.
Updates:
Added another color combo I think would work.
Added "Uniform Ideas" to Additional Info.
Expanded "Why Canyon?" in Additional Info.
Added "Deeper Explanation of Dein/Aeneas" in Additional Info.
Edited some wording in flaws and virtues.
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Posted: Thu Mar 04, 2010 2:20 am
Updates:
Added "Dein as Aeneas" to Additional Info.
Expanded "Aeneas - Personality".
Re-edited text on entire quest.
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Posted: Mon Mar 08, 2010 2:54 am
Updates:
Changed name of Rapier to fit better.
Edited some flub-ups.
Seeking more crits! C:
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Posted: Wed Mar 17, 2010 1:02 am
Updates:
Changed some wording.
Big crits, yes? C:
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Posted: Wed Mar 17, 2010 11:31 pm
Holy Mackerel! You weren't kidding when you said it was a wall of text! This made me want to go back and do my quest over....XD *brick'd*
Now, its late at night, so I am definitely going to go over this again when I am not thinking about finals, but I have to say that I am very impressed with what you have here. The Flaws and Virtues of both characters are well thought out and they match well.
I would probably mention somewhere on those which could be or which you would like to be considered a weakness. If you plan on using this for a writing competition, pointing that out is usually a good thing to do.
I especially like how in depth you go with the Canyon and how they both resemble it. It really tells me that you have thought about this and are serious about committing to a metaplot character..
Overall, it looks amazing! I will look again, and prolly edit this tomorrow.... Until then, bask in your awesome awesomeness!
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Posted: Sat Mar 20, 2010 11:10 pm
Thanks for taking a look!
I probably should mark it so it's easier, but I'm debating on what should be the main focus on weakness. Though I think it's easy to tell he has one, but noting it can't hurt. C:
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Posted: Mon Mar 22, 2010 2:44 pm
I've got some quick questions:
The name spelling: Whats the background on the unusual spelling? Just because I'd like to know why the unusual spelling.
-Why are his father and brother dismayed by his obsession with 80's metal? I didn't see anything in their brief profiles to explain why it would throw them for a loop? Also I'd like to know why his father was cold to his mother?
Even an manly man can have a soft side, was he just not prepared to handle the emotional toll of a sick wife?
Dein's personality seems very, I'm not sure this is the right word, extreme, or full tilt. He's so full tilt he seems a little overwhelming, like he's heading for a burn out from hyperactivity.
I'm also not sure if I'd call his popular culture ignorance is a true flaw. I'm pretty out of the loop on pop culture, but some things about it are entirely unavoidable, unless he's totally ignoring tabloids, tv and the radio.
Although troubled, I'd suggest some mellower aspects to him.
Aeneas seems a bit less hyper and rushed, less forced I guess, While the personalities will eventually mesh, its hard to see how. I'd try and work on finding more common ground for them to make him a better potential host.
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Posted: Mon Mar 22, 2010 4:09 pm
Thanks for taking a look Ryugen!
There's nothing really BIG behind the name spelling, more along the lines that his mother wanted to name him something common but change it so it's a little more unique. (My mom did this with both her kids, my brother's name is Aaron, but spelled Arron, something quirky she did.)
I probably should expand on that further. He's the only one in the family that has a thing for metal, they are alienated to it. What they see is that he goes into his room, drowning out the world with the music. Going out to concerts, ignoring everything else. They want to see him doing something productive. They dwell on the negatives to something they don't understand. (Hoping this makes sense....)
As for his father: He wasn't prepared to be married to a woman who was constantly sick and in need of help. Regardless of his love for her, it wasn't what he envisioned when he thought up his "family life" so he resented the fact. He couldn't handle that.
I suppose that is true, I didn't mean for him to come off so extreme though. > w < It makes sense with the metal thing though, but I can try and tweak it so he's a little calmer if it feels like that would assist his personality better.
I've actually been mulling over the pop culture thing for a while now. I find it a flaw because it causes problems relating to other people, but perhaps it doesn't quite fit? I'm not sure. To be honest this is something that I personally do. I have no cable, don't watch the news, don't really care to read up on things on the internet. It's not so much ignoring things, just reading over them and not retaining the information. It's somewhat self-induced, as it would be in Dein's case. I can try to either re-write it to make it fit more to a flaw or if it really seems it's not working at all, I can swap it out.
I understand they should be somewhat similar, and I think they are. I just really don't believe they should be TOO similar, otherwise you end up with the same person at the end as from the beginning. I wanted to set it up for more character growth from which they both can grow from limited common ground. Though, now I can see what you're saying. *contemplates*
*stares at quest and begins to tweak*
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Posted: Thu Mar 25, 2010 11:19 pm
Updates:
Made changes to layout.
Added ref pic.
Still working on tweaking persona.
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Posted: Fri Mar 26, 2010 1:47 am
I'd really like to say my crit will be as helpful as yours was, but I'd be delusional to do so. So really I'll just say that I hope anything I say helps you in anyway. And that I really love the ref image. > w < So cute!
Love his flaws and virtues, but I really only have one question. How does his emotional walls conflict with his commitment. Well, more specifically his being a loyal friend due to his being able to commit. Not that it really reflects on the two in anyway, it was just a point that made me curious. X3
Which, really is likely the end of anything I have to say on him because honestly I have a hard time figuring out what should be changed and what not. Honestly he looks fantastic all around to me, I don't really see anything that needs changing so I'm probably a bad one to be asking for crit. (Especially since when looking at most senshi I'm the wrong person to ask for help on attacks.)
I also noticed how every time I mention that I think the character doesn't need any changes (or if he does, it's nothing that beans me over the head so is kind of moot on my position) it feels like I'm blowing smoke up people's behinds. ;;
But yes! He looks wonderful and I wish you lots of luck on getting him and I'm sorry I wasn't more help. 8D; <333
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Posted: Fri Mar 26, 2010 2:49 am
--CosmicNeo-QueenBunni-- I'd really like to say my crit will be as helpful as yours was, but I'd be delusional to do so. So really I'll just say that I hope anything I say helps you in anyway. And that I really love the ref image. > w < So cute! Love his flaws and virtues, but I really only have one question. How does his emotional walls conflict with his commitment. Well, more specifically his being a loyal friend due to his being able to commit. Not that it really reflects on the two in anyway, it was just a point that made me curious. X3 Which, really is likely the end of anything I have to say on him because honestly I have a hard time figuring out what should be changed and what not. Honestly he looks fantastic all around to me, I don't really see anything that needs changing so I'm probably a bad one to be asking for crit. (Especially since when looking at most senshi I'm the wrong person to ask for help on attacks.) I also noticed how every time I mention that I think the character doesn't need any changes (or if he does, it's nothing that beans me over the head so is kind of moot on my position) it feels like I'm blowing smoke up people's behinds. ;; But yes! He looks wonderful and I wish you lots of luck on getting him and I'm sorry I wasn't more help. 8D; <333
Thanks for taking a look!
That's actually a good question, and I'll probably add it in later. His emotional walls are his weakness; where he lacks the ability/refuses to completely open up on a deeper level. This can cause problems when these commitments require a more emotional tie (though don't get him wrong, he will put emotion behind actions, he just won't be able to share that with anyone else). He has a problem when it comes to opening up and I think that it itself causes conflicts. I think that makes sense? Like, say his "commitment" is to give advice to someone. He will, but not use any personal stories but rather go only skin deep or borrow from someone else. (So hoping this makes sense, I'm so sleepy right now Orz)
I still have some tweaks to make, but with all of the help from crits I'm sure I'll be able to fine-tune him. <3
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Posted: Fri Mar 26, 2010 2:54 pm
Actually that makes a lot of sense, and actually close to what I figured the response might be (better to ask though, instead of assume). I look foreword to seeing the fine-tuned version of him, I really like him and wish you tons of luck darling <3
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Posted: Tue Mar 30, 2010 2:00 am
Thanks Bun! <3
I'm glad that made sense. xD
*tweaky tweak*
Updates:
Small errors fixed.
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