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 Posted: Mon Sep 06, 2010 2:25 pm
Tnau History seems fine, though why did you chose to do it in 1-2 sentences? I find it a little annoying, and why the large font? But I'm a regular size 10 user so, maybe that's why it's annoying me.
"he be imagining mutilating you"
Maybe add another trait to his personality? Everyone seems to have five traits.
I'm just curious, will he start talking at some point? As Elissa mentioned, it seems like it would very hard to RP.
Also, about the no show hands thing and how he doesn't hurt anyone. How will he protect himself if someone comes at him? Or will he do nothing and just get beaten up? That seems so sad xD And will he ever get over his brother to be able to protect himself?
Over all, I usually like threads that are all neat and stuff. Yours seems a bit chunky since all the info is in two post and you have a lot of info going. I liked the long history even if it was structured a little weird xD Okay~ Thanks for the Crit, Tnau~ I have addressed all your concerns! His history... It's really in two sentences? Oh, do you mean paragraph wise? Not sure. I suppose that's just my style of writing. I tend to separate activities. Force of Habit I suppose. Hehe, Fixed the bad grammer~ I'm still not sure about adding another trait. It's not required, right? I keep thinking if I add another trait, I'll ruin him again, and have to remold him. I'm not sure yet.. Yeah, he'll start talking~ It's not as hard to RP as people think. When you're mute yourself, you just imagine what you'd really do in that situation and go by that. So for example, someone asks your name, you do the "YMCA" dance thing. XD It gets really interesting after a while. Protecting himself... Well, He's a runner, and it's been explained that he uses the environment to his advantage. I'll flesh that out more. I don't want to give out too much of a plot, just yet, I want to save that for journals~ Thank you for your Critique~
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Posted: Mon Sep 06, 2010 5:54 pm
Yea I think it's your style too :3
So don't worry XD
Everyone has a different style!
I'm not sure if it required o.e But asking never hurts :3
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Posted: Mon Sep 06, 2010 10:35 pm
Yeah, I asked and added another~ Thanks~ <3
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Posted: Wed Sep 08, 2010 12:06 am
I'm a little confused by some of his traits.
He doesn't want to hurt any living thing so does that mean he is a vegetarian? Because eating meat would mean the death of a living creature.
If he's easily dejected does that affect his inventing and bells? What if someone tells him his song sucks or whatever he is making looks silly? Does that play into other parts of his life or just soically. I see a bit of this explains but more detail as to how it effects his life would be good.
And if he has such a fear of hurting others why is it such a consistant mental activity for him? If it really bothers him why would he think such bad things all the time if he's rejected? Just confused by the bi-polarishness of it.
Also how does he sign or write on his board if he never pulls his sleeves back? I see smuged writing or something. Just curious.
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Posted: Wed Sep 08, 2010 5:46 am
Byagane319 I'm a little confused by some of his traits. He doesn't want to hurt any living thing so does that mean he is a vegetarian? Because eating meat would mean the death of a living creature. If he's easily dejected does that affect his inventing and bells? What if someone tells him his song sucks or whatever he is making looks silly? Does that play into other parts of his life or just soically. I see a bit of this explains but more detail as to how it effects his life would be good. And if he has such a fear of hurting others why is it such a consistant mental activity for him? If it really bothers him why would he think such bad things all the time if he's rejected? Just confused by the bi-polarishness of it. Also how does he sign or write on his board if he never pulls his sleeves back? I see smuged writing or something. Just curious. The first thing I just find myself responding to is the fact that he doesn't sign. What's the point of signing when not everyone will know what he means? It's easier just to write on a board. And think of it like a dry erase board. You don't always have your hand on the board when you write, so it doesn't smudge. It's really easy. ... Most of what you said, I don't understand. It may just be the wording, but I'd like you to explain it a bit further. When it comes to eating meat, he didn't hurt it. Someone else hurt it, and should honor it by eating it. He wouldn't eat another Lunarian. XD He hasn't had much 'social interaction' with people outside of his family and neighbors, so he's not quite sure how he'll act when dejected by his peers. That's what social development within an RP is~ Thanks for the critique~
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Posted: Wed Sep 08, 2010 6:28 am
Just passing through, but why would Sanoh destroy an instrument if he's been raised to revere them his entire life? It seems like to him that would be on par with smashing his brother to prevent him from leaving- unthinkable. And yet, Sanoh not only does it, but he brags about it as well, he even thinks his brother can make a new one when, from what I've seen, the family considers their instruments to be unique. What's up with that?
Also, I think you should find one reason for the fake illness plan not to work: The crossdressing or the berries being found out, for simplicity's sake. It was unclear to me whether they knew or not that he had tricked them, or if only his brother knew, or what. :V
More later! Just some things that came to my mind right away for now.
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Posted: Wed Sep 08, 2010 10:49 am
The main thing to remember about his history is the fact that he is only a little child when this takes place. Children almost never think things through. And It was stated a few times that he was a "tiny child". Or atleast once.
I added a bit more about how the brother found out. Just a bit, but it clarifies it up some.
Thank you for the comments~
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Posted: Wed Sep 08, 2010 1:14 pm
Wait, so if Sanoh was that young and his brother got his instrument on the same day as him, their 888th day of life, how young was his brother when going to serve the emperor? :V This might be a little detail that was overlooked in a previous editing process, I don't know if the brothers are a different age or if they were the same age to begin with if they are older and younger now.
Also, I understand where you're coming from now now, but I still can't help but doubt that Sanoh would brag about it and show people what he had done and that he did it. Children may be very egocentric, but from what I gather, breaking the instrument was almost like killing a part of Miwa, and Sanoh should have seen it that way, or at least felt like he was doing something bad or reprehensible in the process. Based on how he was raised, he should have gotten the sense that he was breaking the rules. Even if he didn't, his brother had told him that if he ever tried to do something as drastic as before, he would never speak to him again, which, considering how close the brothers were, is a very serious threat.
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Posted: Wed Sep 08, 2010 1:36 pm
His brother is Much older than he is. If Sanoh was 5 at the time, Miwa would have been about 23. I need to clear that up.
Being raised with many many siblings myself, I've learned that more than a fair share of siblings don't take threats seriously from their other siblings. For example, say if my brother, when we were little, said he was going to kill me when I sleep. I wouldn't have taken it seriously.
At that point in time, he was soley focused on one goal that benefited him. Even now, at times, there are those who would forget the rules to make things bend his way. That's what happened to Sanoh at that point, and being as young as he was, he didn't think that far ahead. When one is panicked, especially about losing someone who you loved dearly, they don't think about anyone else except the one they want to 'save'.
That's how I see it.
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Posted: Fri Sep 10, 2010 2:44 pm
More Crits please? 3nodding
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Posted: Fri Sep 10, 2010 5:23 pm
hi there cooro! i'm going to try to help you on your quest, yeah? please don't take anything i say too personally, since this is your character and all. i hope you take my words into deep consideration and you shouldn't be too offended. thanks c:
basic info
..You don't have a real post for this, which I would suggest you add. It makes flipping through the character a whoolleee lot easier.
One overlying theme you have in his entire profile is his jumping around between cultures. I'm new to Lunaria, however it is believed (I'm sure) that you should stick by a few cultures when making your character, if not only one. So, his Japanese grandma had a Japanese child who married an Indian guy? Where did Thai and Chinese come from? You have Japanese, Thai, and Indian family names, and if you don't have a huge explanation for that, it doesn't seem plausible. Also, seeing as Gita is ~*~*related*~*~ to Wakako, it would seem strange that he has an Indian name. There's such a huge culture difference between all of them that it just doesn't fit. You seem to use a lot of Japanese ways of explaining things, so why not just base him on the Japanese culture instead?
I'm completely boggled by his name. Yin Yue Sanoh? Where did Yin Yue come from? Is it a Chinese-based name? If it is, than how about Sanoh? I am Chinese, and I know very well that there is no one named Yin Yue, because it is a noun that means 'music', and while I get how you literally want to make it known that he loves music, it's too literal. Not realistic at all. As for Sanoh, I'm guessing that's Thai ... though I'm not sure at all ... I'd just like an explanation for his name, please. (:
Even then, if it is Thai based, why does he wear a kimono/cheongsam? This isn't a big issue, I just wanted to touch upon it.
personality
When it comes to personality, I'm a bit confused. If he's a selective mute, it would seem plausible that he would be much more cautious and quieter than most people, however you state that he is inner aggressive. Seeing as he selected the mute option because he didn't want to hurt anyone, what is with this amount of hatred towards the world? It makes no sense. You would think if he went to the far reaches of actually becoming a mute with guilt, he would attempt to keep his feelings under control.
That being said, I still think your flaws are not well justified. Being obsessive-compulsive about not hurting people; well, that's not technically a bad thing. Sure, it might hinder him in some aspects (please see below) of life in Lunaria, but it's not a bad thing. Being inventive is not a bad thing, and neither is wanting to meet and greet, or wanting to heal someone. You need some actual flaws in there, because I don't see any at all. He seems like a Gary Stu at the moment, just a perfect guy on the outside with the inner emotions problem. It's not enough ...
I'm confused about the belling thing. It's really random.
As for hidden hands, be aware that it will be intensely hard to roleplay with a mute guy that can't use his hands. He won't be able to use gestures that will display his hands to show how he feels, and neither will he be able to use his voice to express anything as well.
Something else to keep in mind - Lunaria is a war story. No matter what, even if he is a soul conduit, he won't be able to avoid the death. Especially if he becomes a Priest. Sure, he can pray to the Gods for forgiveness, but over time ... that's just not going to take care of it all.
history
Your history, the 'Yin Yue Shrine and Yiqitigong' is quite unique, however I still don't think Yin Yue can be used as a last name.
I also still don't think that, no matter how much he loved his brother, he would break the instrument. Even as a tiny child - that just isn't something you would do if you were raised never to even think in that direction. When I was 5 or 6 I would never rip up a math worksheet, because I knew that my mother would kill me. Be angry. He would know that too.
Personally, I think that you have the idea of what you want in your head - you just need a bit of clearing up to make Sanoh the character you really want. I would really love to see your improvements, and I'll be back! Good luck~
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Posted: Fri Sep 10, 2010 8:21 pm
Thank you for the critique! But I can't help but feel that no one understands Sanoh's reasoning for breaking the instrument. No matter what someone else thinks, or how some one else would have reacted, they aren't that person. They can't see what's going on inside his head. That's the point of individualism, right? Everyone keeps saying that "I wouldn't have done that." But... How do you know that someone else would have? Sanoh isn't supposed to be based on someone else, he's unique to himself, and everyone has different ideas, even at a young age.
My One wish is that everyone would understand that.
With the way families work, a certain culture could be embedded within a family, and not emerge from almost no where during a new generation. I don't see anything wrong with having a multicultural family. You see it so much, it's really common now.
Haha~ I'm no good at foreign languages, so I just put words together. It's like when someone likes the name "Apple" and they name their kid that. I'll change it if it's that big of a deal, because I admit, I DID put words together, and I don't want to offend anyone. And why do Alot of women in the USA who aren't Asian wear a Cheongsam-type shirt? Why do women wear such clothing like that to dinner parties even though they aren't from the country where that outfit originated? I can't help but think Clothing is just that, clothing. It's to cover the body and look nice, not much more than that.
Being selectively mute is different than being reserved. You won't lose your emotions just because you choose not to speak. It's that very guilt that keeps him from speaking, but that doesn't mean he doesn't feel anger, happiness, sadness, and all of the rest of the emotions. Think of it as if your parents were cussing you out for doing something wrong. The RIGHT thing to do would be to bite your tongue because they are, indeed, your parents. Sanoh takes this a little further, just by not speaking at all.
Gary Sue? Please explain a bit more. I don't see him as perfect on the outside at all. It's hard to explain your ideas to someone who can't see inside you head, and even harder to explain the person on paper. How does he seem perfect? What would, to you, be an actual flaw?
Quirky thinks are the best hobbies and quirks to have, in my opinion. Anyone can cook, or grow things, but to do something that most people wouldn't think of are always funner.
As explained in his personality/ect file thing, you don't need hands to words to communicate~ It's alot easier than you think, and this is coming from a mute who likes his hands covered too. I'm sure RPing will be just fine. If people need more proof, I'll type of something OC to prove it.
Thank you once again for the Critique.
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Posted: Fri Sep 10, 2010 8:47 pm
Cooro, it's not that we can't understand, but you put so much emphasis on instruments being sacred and important to this family, not to express themselves alone, but to ward off evil spirits, even. You are the one making his action seem implausible by the very background you've provided for this character. With a background that strongly grounded in the idea that instruments are important, almost holy, it makes it seem almost impossible to believe that Sanoh would feel no guilt or qualms about breaking the instrument, even if he was almost singlemindedly focused on making his brother leave. It feels forced. It's not that he can't be unique to himself, but it's that it doesn't make sense for anyone of his background. It's like if we read about a monk raised in a sheltered monastery casually abandoning his hermetic life for a life of loose women and debauchery- it goes against everything he was raised to believe and follow. No matter what Sanoh is like, the fact that he doesn't feel anything about breaking an instrument, something that goes against everything he was raised to believe, is simply unrealistic.
With the mixed cultures and multicultural families/names and cheongsam, you talk about how common these things are these days. However, Lunaria isn't these days, Lunaria is based on ancient Asia. The setting is different, so these things that would be more normal now are odd is what tea's getting at, I think.
I don't know about being mute, as I speak a lot and use my hands for everything. I trust that you've put thought into the decision to make him one and have ideas about how to express his feelings. However, I do agree with tea on the flaws. All of Sanoh's flaws are invisible- unless a Lunarian was a mind reader, they would never know about them since he hides them so well. Does he have any flaws that someone could attribute to him without reading his mind or spending lots of time around him?
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Posted: Fri Sep 10, 2010 8:53 pm
Ah. I see.
If that's the case, I'll put more emphasis on his guilt as a younger child then make him realize that what he did was tragically wrong for the way he was raised.
I'll change his family's names and such as well. If it's that big of a problem, I'd rather change it then have it conflicting with the world around him.
I don't think it really mentions that he hides his flaws too well, but I'll make them more obvious too.
Hopefully that'll cover everything~
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Posted: Fri Sep 10, 2010 9:27 pm
Hey Cooro! Just wanted to clear up some things I don't think you understood in my critique (:
The problem is, you need to build a character that is at least semi-predictable. It's true - individualism should be prevalent in everyone, however, if you use that way of explaining things, you could have a pink-haired shiny tea princess who is actually a serial killer and supports animal rights. You could say anything and just use the excuse, 'this is individualism'. Though people have different ideas, nobody is truly unique. They are affected by everyone around them and learn from nature as well. If everyone in this world was unique, and had their own ideas without the influence of others, everyone would be in discord. We'd have chaos everywhere. o:
I understand that's how you can have that perception about clothing and culture mixing in modern times, but we have to keep in mind that Lunaria's story takes place over centuries ago! Multi-cultural? It just doesn't happen in the ancient times. A Chinese person wouldn't mix their blood with an Indian's just because there is so much racial discrimination at those times. You can't make the excuse and say it's really common now, because Lunaria's whole plot takes place at least two hundred years ago. It's just not common at all to have two completely different races even think about having babies together. * v*
As for the foreign languages issue, it's a pretty big deal. If you don't want to put the effort into finding a suitable name, I don't think you want to put the effort into making a good and plausible character. Lunaria is a specific place, and without the specifics, you won't get anywhere. If you really need an idea? Most people I've seen get their names from this website. You can check it out too. As for the clothing, I can tell you once again that Lunaria is an ancient b/c. It is based upon ancient times. In times like that, any Chinese would probably ridicule any of their kind that wear a sari because it's Indian - hell, even now, if I wore a kimono into public, people would get really riled up because not all the cultures blend in together! Clothing is a huge deal in Asia, and we take it as an infinitely important part of our culture - it's not something to be dealt lightly with, because clothing tells everyone who you are. 8DDD
Flaws are an intensely important part of the character. If you don't have a flaw to make him into a real person, then he isn't going to ever seem real, either. Character flaws are something that need to be negative - they need to be negative enough to be able to actually affect the people around them. Inner-aggressive? That 'flaw' will not ever affect anyone, because he will never show it. On the outside, he's a really nice character that never wants to hurt anyone, is creative, active and always tries to help. Would there be many people like that in real life? You could add a whole list of flaws to this guy - he could be someone who holds grudges easily, someone who lies - you need to add something that will give him volume and turn him into a 3D character; whereas now, he's only 2D if even less. Here's a list of what most people call flaws - I get a lot of my ideas from there, and it might help you as well. <333
You seem to be trying too much for unique - sometimes, plain and normal is just fine. (:
I'll admit, I take this seriously because I am Asian, and I do take this place seriously. I want to help you reach your full potential and be able to get a character, but if you don't take it as seriously as everyone else, you aren't going to go anywhere.
THIS DISCUSSION COULD KEEP GOING ON & ON & ON .. but I just want you to know that I really love Sanoh so far, and I think he could be a great character! SO KEEP GOING! <3 * V*
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