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I've made it much farther than I thought I could in such a short time, but I'm reaching the point where every moment I face this wall its like suffering from withdrawl...it's so horrible I can't stand it. I can't break down the wall with force, though. I need to let things run their course. This is what God recently told me to do. So that's what I'm going to try.

God can reach you, for there is nothing God cannot do.

Count your lack of emotion as a blessing, for it delivers you from sins of the passions and from being deceived by false spirits which manipulate with gentle feelings.

Pray ceaselessly, in the knowledge that God hears you.
God will then reveal himself to you if he deems you worthy.

Christos Anesti!

I think that you need to make a conscious effort to forgive all those that have hurt or disappointed you. Sometimes people find it useful to write those names on a piece of paper and after praying for forgiveness for each one throwing it in the garbage or in a fire.

As long as you hang on to the hurt you are bound to those people and feelings. The tapes of the past will just keep playing in your head, and torturing you. You need to know that those things are in the past and can't hurt you now unless you hang on to them.

It sounds like you have every reason to be angry, but Jesus came to set you free from the hurt and bondage to the past. He wants you to be joyful and free. Let Him take your hurt, tell Him how mad you are at Him (if that's how you feel)for allowing these things (He knows what you are feeling already). And above all know that in His eyes you are perfect! You are his workmanship and as the saying goes "God does not make junk."

I know from my own life how hard it is to forgive your parents for disapointments and harsh words. My Mother was not there emotionally for me either. She was abusive both verbally and physically. Once I forgave her for those things and for not being the Mother I wanted and needed,God began to show me why she was how she was. It empowered me to be able to "pity her" and not myself. That made it even easier to let go of the hurt and disappointment of the past and to hurt enough for her to pray for her.

I will be praying for you, and I am certain that God will use your past for His glory! Maybe you are supposed to minister to others that are currently walking in the shoes of your past. I don't know. But you must let yourself get free first.

God is waiting to hug you and wipe away your tears.....go to Him.

Indeed, none of us are worthy, not by our own power.
But by the grace of God moving in us, cleansing us of the stain of our fallen nature, we may be made worthy in Christ our Lord of the salvation that the Lord first deemed us worthy of offering to us, not by our own power, but by his own grace and love.

The worst hole a Christian can fall into is to continually view himself as unworthy of salvation, under the guise of humility, for if the Lord our God deemed us worthy enough to be saved that he died upon the blessed and holy cross for us, who are we, mere mortals, wrapped in corrupt skin and staining everything we touch, to contradict him?

We may, on the last day of judgement, be deemed worthy by the Lord our King, to attain the salvation won for us when Christ died upon the cross, trampling down death by death, bestowing life to those dead in their sin.


Christos Anesti!

I think a lot of people have experiences like this, and it's unfortunate. I think it's safe to say that most of us don't know what to do about it either, but that doesn't mean it's hopeless. Sometimes we get so down that we can't see any way out anymore, but that doesn't mean there isn't, and it doesn't stop God -it only limits us. Usually, we end up getting stuck, in a way. To varying degrees, we stop even being able to have possitive thoughts, but how we think is very important. This is a problem I have - I always focus too much on the negative, and a lot of the time, I don't even realize I'm doing it. It can be very helpful to actively seek out a new way of thinking.

Start with little things, or big things, whatever is easiest for you. What is good about today? It doesn't mean you have to be extatic about it, or feel exceptionally greatful for it, you just have to acknowledge that, yeah, not everything about today is terrible. I'll give an example of something small.

Right now, when I look out the window, I see that it is overcast. I think, "man, looks cold. I wish it would start acting like summer!" But I can also see that it is not raining, and there is no strong wind to make the weather seem worse. I think that today, yeah, it's a good thing it's not raining. At the same time, I could turn it around. I'm glad that it's not 85 out today, and that I'm not being baked alive in my living room. If it were raining, I could say, "Oh, a shower. That's nice. Rain is a good thing - the air will feel fresher when it stops, and it's nice to listen to." Don't stress that you aren't jumping for joy and praising God at the top of your lungs because of how wonderful it is to have decent weather. We owe Him everything, we should be greatful, but we don't have to be beside ourselves with excitement all the time. I'm getting a little ahead of myself though.

Practicing this can be tough, and can take a lot of hard work and energy, especially when you are having a particularly tough day, but it can help. It's not lying to yourself, it's not "trying to convince yourself," or anything like that. It is simply looking inward, seeing that you are focusing on the negative, and then redirecting your thoughts and energy. You are reminding yourself that it's going to be okay and all is not lost. You can add facts or quotes to the practice too. I remind myself often that God will not give us more than we can bear - so if we are experiencing it, it must mean it will be okay. It is very possible that we won't be able to get through it alone, but we don't need to worry about that either, because God is with us, and He will help us through it, no matter what "it" is. The story of the footprints in the sand is true - when you are going through hard times, and you feel alone the most, God is carrying you through it- that is why you only see one set of foot prints, you just don't know it yet. I have experienced this myself on many occasions and it's just as true every time.

Some people might worry because it sounds like you are relying on yourself, not God, to do this, but that isn't what's going on. God gave us minds for a reason. He gave us the ability to think and be self-aware - there is nothing wrong with using that. You are using the gifts/abilities/skills (however you want to see it) that He has given to you, and we can be thankful for that too. We don't need to be confusable with someone who is experiencing a manic psychosis, or a drug induced euphoria all the time. We should thank the Lord that provides for the little things in life. I'm eating chicken pot pie right now - it's kindo' weird tasting, but I've had worse. It's food, and it's warm, and I didn't have to pay for it. I had a killer headache earlier today, but it's mostly gone now, and I'm experiencing little or no pain. Those are just a few of the simple things I can appreciate right now. And being able to see that there is good, and knowing that it all comes from Him is part of what brings us closer to God.