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 Posted: Thu Mar 04, 2010 10:49 pm
Yay, page two! / Billy Talent
So, I've been meeeeannnniiinnnnggggg to post for like, ages now. I've tried twice by my count, and both times my post got eaten!! And that always discourages me extremely and I actually seriously have to just... get up and leave the computer. Or else it might leave via the window. Hahaha.
Anyway... so I've been having an amazing life. Not been on the computer as much (which is quite healthy, actually, I think I may be addicted, and not just here, but Facebook, too. And general random internet browsing.) Anyway, so my grandmas got back from their Thailand adventures so we moved out of their house and FINALLY into our own, and I'm in my own room and it's awesome. Beautiful. Except for all the dozens of boxes and junk all over the place. I can't find my floor-- too much stuff and nowhere to put it. I got accepted into UVic, (conditional acceptance, actually, but I'm not worried.) and that took soooo much stress off of me. I'm going to Spain Saturday morning (at like, 4:30 AM D: )
And since my last post, I've been hanging out with /him/ so much-- I took two hours to get home solo one night (since we live out in the middle of nowhere) just for him, because I really really wanted to hang out with him later than 4:30. So we hung out until 6:50, when we got on the bus, and I was home just before 9. I took the bus as close as I could (over 20 minutes), then walked two GINORMOUS 'blocks', which took well over a half-hour, and I walk quickly, down along the highway to get to the intersection, and then since we were staying at my gran's and they live on a mountain, I had to walk up said mountain, where its horizontal component was less than its vertical component, and that took me the rest of the time to get home. I was panting so hard, hahaha. But he is so worth it. I just wish I could tell him that. And we've had various other hang out points between then and now-- went to our friend's birthday party, and about twelve of us all went to an elementary school park to play after dark, got stopped by the cops on the way, had to explain that we were going to play Quidditch, got there, and played sardines/ hide and seek in partners instead, (and of course my friend who knows how I feel about him insisted we partner together, and it was sooo much fun!) And lots of other times. We understand each other so well, I don't see why we don't date, like, really, but I'm so scared to make a move, even though I think from his actions and movements and his voice and how he treats me and all of his body language and actual language and the way he looks at me and everything that he might be into me, too, but neither of us are really forward like that. XD So it looks like I might have to break the ice.
But yeah, so last night I went to see Billy Talent with Alexisonfire, Against Me! and the Cancer Bats (boo hiss), and besides the Cancer Bats, the rest of the concert was amaaaazzzziiinnnnggggg. I managed to invite him the week before, so we went together, I planned out a cute outfit, and we had sushi before the show, and it was just... really sweet :3 He's such a sweetheart; he did so many cute things, it was ridiculous >w<;;; Like, he hadn't really heard Billy Talent before, or any of the bands for that matter, but he had a really open mind and he enjoyed it, too, he really got into it with me, and it was so great! At one point, we went down between bands to get something to drink, and besides the change I used to buy juice, I had no money beyond what I'd spent on sushi, I had like, $20.00 and I was trying to save it, and it was on my debit card anyway, and he bought a shirt, and I said how I'd been to like, four concerts and never had money at the same time to buy a souvenir, and he said "I've got five dollars. Do you want a collectable button set?" And I'm like, "No, no, that's okay!! You don't have to!" But he insisted. XD So he took one, and I have the other three pinned on my sweater right now :3 He's just amazing.
But I think people are starting to realize-- we had seats, but three guys we know had floor tix, and they came to join us occasionally through the night, and I'm sure they were thinking...! XD And then today when our friend (who had the birthday party) realized that I'd taken him, asked why I hadn't taken her (half-joking), and then I tried to dodge the question, I only had one other ticket, so I told her. And she's like, then why did you take him? And I'm like, I didn't know you liked that kind of music! XP It was fail.
I had several huge urges to just... kiss him last night. But I didn't. Gah. Probably should have. But I don't know how he feels about me, and if I were wrong, I'd feel like SUCH an a**. xD But... he's so attractive to me in so many ways, it was hard to remember to focus on the concert in front of us.
Ugh. It was just an amazing night. I adore him. (Speak of the devil, he's just signed on MSN. XP)
I don't know. I haven't stopped thinking about him all day. I dreamt about him last night. I dunno, it gets tiring after a while. I just want to tell him! But I don't know how. I mean, I know him well enough that I don't think he'd be a jerk about it if he didn't like me like that, but still, I'm still scared of getting hurt. And I don't feel comfortable telling my actual IRL friends about it. Even if it's the one thing I'm dying to talk about all the time, they're all so high and mighty that they can't appreciate my meagre problems. One of my best friends, every time I try to talk about him, she starts off alright, but then she ends up getting bored and getting silly when I'm being quite serious. When we hang out, we talk mostly about her...
And my other friend, she's constantly in need of the attention being on her. She's in an LDR, and she acts like that gives her some superior power to be a total d**k most of the time. If I get stupid over him, she just gives me a look. Like, 'you're so stupid.' It ticks me off.
I have one girl friend I feel like I can talk to about it, but she's not really... helpful, haha. Even her, I feel hesitant... I dunno. I just... I don't know how to say what's on my mind, and not sound like a complete idiot.
I think I should just... go for it. And yes, I know, I'm aware I say that /every/ time, but still... I still haven't done it and I still want to and this thing's not going away.
He greets me every day with the biggest smile, and instead of me coming up to the group he'll come down to my locker or the bio class to meet me before second block, and if I go up to the group, he'll whisk me away alone with him pretty much as soon as I get up there. We talk about everything and nothing, and when we're alone, we tease each other relentlessly, joke around, tickle and poke and nudge and prod and touch hair and... but rarely when other people are around. And that leaves insidious questions-- is he ashamed of me? Is he just nervous? Etcetera.
I dunno. I'm making much too much of a big deal out of this. I like him and I should tell him. (I much more than simply 'like' him, but we won't let him know that yet ;3 It'll just go straight to his head. XP)
I wanna tell him tomorrow. Because I'm leaving the next morning for Spain. So I can do the cowardly thing and have ten days to hide. The idea of just... sending him a facebook message is soooo tempting, but it's so tacky. And I need to grow up just a bit. He means more than that to me, so why shouldn't I make that clear? 'Cause I don't know what to say and I don't know how to say it and I'm panicking. Because I don't want to go to Spain without him knowing. But it's so hard! Argh!
So that's basically all that's interesting that's been happening in my life (well, all that I've been thinking about). I did get that break I begged for in my last post, thank god, because boy did I need it. It was so nice. (Today felt less good because there was nothing special, and he and I were supposed to go hang out downtown and get tickets for tomorrow to Alice, but he spent all his money, and he had to go home, so I got ditched. XP)
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Posted: Thu Mar 18, 2010 12:58 am
Spain! / Confession...
So hello, I have returned from Spain. Spain which was beautiful and wonderful and amazing and altogether incredible. Despite a couple hiccups along the way.
So I'll start at the beginning and /try/ to keep it brief. Buckle up.
Flight:
Victoria to Toronto, five-hour layover, we had dinner, then Timmies, explored the small secured area we were in, then sat and talked, got to know my pod of Amy, Kati and Travis a little better. Toronto to Frankfurt, overnight, simply my least-favourite part of the trip. Barely slept. Got fed twice. Sat next to Ms. Roberts. It was kind of pointless. Watched boring movies. Fell asleep (again!) during The Invention of Lying. I will probably never see the end of that film. Finally got off the eight-something hour trip, Frankfurt was ungodly cold, then we had a two-hour wait, then to Madrid.
Madrid:
Cute hotel, my favourite of all of them, roomed with Amy, Caitlin and Emily. The first night, after getting out of the plane, we went to see a museum (our pod stayed for a half hour out of the allotted two, then left and went souvenir shopping. None of us had the attention for the Prado, boring art museum.) Then twenty very hungry, very tired, very cranky students were dragged to a restaurant for dinner, it was good, except that I learned quickly that most salads in Spain have tuna on them-- gross. And of course me, who hates fish, gets the salad with like, the most tuna on it. D:
The second day, we went sightseeing around the town, got to see the Royal Palace, which was absolutely beautiful!! And a little park, then we got some shopping time, then we went to the Flamenco Evening, which was really nice, and dinner at a good buffet.
Third day, we went off to our next stop, Seville, maybe six hours away? Traveled in our tour bus, stopped at the place where Don Quijote took place, and Cordoba. In Cordoba we saw the mezquita, the great mosque of Cordoba. It was beautiful, yeah, but not anything truly great. More shopping, in this little picturesque village. Hmm. The Don Quijote place had the best cheese <3
Seville:
Seville was my favourite city. Our hotel was situated in a very stereotypical European place, the narrow alleyway, cobblestone alley surrounded by two or three-storey buildings, the little cast-iron balconies off every room so close to the one across from it that you can actually touch it (and I did, haha), so beautiful! Got free time, got to do some wandering before supper.
Next day, we got to go into the city. Toured around a little, then saw the bull ring (no fight, the season hadn't started, thank god.) Then we went and saw a palace, and the big cathedral in Seville, it was absolutely astounding and beautiful. So huge and majestic, and just amazing. All stone and marble, with huge silver and gold monuments and stuff, with two huge organs that were five (I think?) stories tall, with over two thousand pipes between them, and Columbus's grave. Then the tower, which was 34 ramps to get to the top, we got a brilliant view of Seville. Then shopping, I found my teacups there :3
Next day, off to our next point, which I believe was Estepone, on the Costa del Sol. Never actually saw Estepone, only this shitty "four-star" hotel up on some godforsaken hill, which had bathtubs lengthwise like this: | and the shower thing pointing thatway > which meant that I accidentally flooded the bathroom... lol. The food sucked there, we only stayed there because we took our day trip to Morocco, and it was close.
Morocco:
So, Morocco was pretty amazing. I loved it, lots of people complained, but I thought it was beautiful in its own way, and so worth seeing. I'd totally go back. Anyway, so we took the ferry over, saw the Rock of Gibraltar, and then we got into this little Spanish territory on the continent of Africa, then drove to the border. Scary. People were actually jumping the fence from Morocco into Spain. XP Then we drove to Tetouan, stopping to ride camels :3 In Tetouan, we went to the medina, the walled city, wherein was a huuuuge market and living areas. We didn't get to shop in the market, but we explored it all over, and sampled bread and cheese. It was kinda gross (the bread and cheese was great, no, the place itself was gross), like, nothing we'd see over here. It was all cobblestones and narrow alleys between the buildings, kilometers of this tunnel-like place, with just room enough to pass another person, and the markets of fresh fruit, live chickens, fresh fish on ice, vegetables, sacks of grain, spilling out into the streets... no colour, all whitewashed, with a grey, wet sky above, but so much colour from what was being sold and its people. All the vegetables and spices gleamed, the bags of dried beans and such offered a nice change of scenery, other shops were filled with amazing silks and satins and thousands of spools of embroidery thread in every colour imaginable. Everyone wore bright colours, and they were all really friendly and nice, even though we were completely the irritating tourists (with the matching backpacks). Then we stopped at this longish tunnel, and at the end of which was a door, which turned out to be the restaurant (who would have known besides a local?) where we had lunch (which was included ;D Didn't have to pay for it.) We had local fare, a really nice creamy vegetable soup, then tasty beef shiskebabs, then couscous with chicken, with some cookies and mint tea for dessert. The couscous was awesome, but I didn't like the chicken, because the only piece I could find was a piece of gross skin and I didn't eat it. xD Anyway, then we went to this shop, a carpet place, where they made handmade moroccan carpets (I bought one! It's glorious! Made of silk, red and gold, so worth every penny.) They showed us all the work they did there, and then we were pushed into a high-pressure sales situation, XP Got to shop in the rest of the store, lots of expensive stuff, silver and silk and carpets and such. Then we went to the traditional pharmacy, and they tried to sell us stuff, but I didn't buy any because I was just really tired and kinda spacy, but I realized later that I totally should have.
Next:
Traveled from the Costa del Sol to Granada the next day. Didn't take too long.
Granada:
Saw the Alhambra, which means 'the red'. So it was The Red Fortress. A big ancient city on a hill. We saw mostly the Sultan's palace, it was so beautiful. All the other stuff we'd seen at this point was heavily influenced by Islamic style, or like the place in Cordoba an Islamic temple that had been overhauled by Christians. This was completely Islamic, and so ornately decorated, so beautiful, it was breathtaking. Except for the bit at the end that the Christians had added. That sucked. But the rest was intact, and you could tell how glorious it would have been when it was still being used besides as a tourist attraction. Bought beautiful wood, bone and stone boxes and coasters from a store there. Then we went downtown and got some free time for shopping. I bought an amazing scarf, and some jewellery. Almost got lost. XP Our hotel was on the top of a huge hill, overlooking Granada, it was amazing. Next day, traveled, the long haul to Valencia.
Valencia:
When we got there, we arrived fairly early in the day. so we went to the aquarium. It was so cool! Nothing really special as far as aquariums go, but a really nice, really welcome change to cathedrals and temples and such. Then back to our hotel by like, 6:30, and we went out in a big group of girls (did I mention the trip was like this: 18 from ESQ, 2 from Mount Doug, 5 from some private school in Burnaby, and of those, 4 guys, 21 girls? XD), like, eight or nine of us, to find some shopping, but we didn't find any. Any! All of Valencia was like, closed by freakin' six. It was a festival weekend or something? No idea. Anyway, so we just went back to the hotel and bummed around until our 8:30 supper (so long to wait for food D: They eat so late there!)
The next day, we went and saw the festival things that were being built, and a couple cathedrals and stuff, and then got on the bus and went off to Barcelona. Took a freakin' long time.
Barcelona:
When we arrived, we had enough time to go shopping in Calella before we had to be there for supper, we were staying in Calella and it was beautiful! Right on the Mediterranean! We shopped for a long while, I bought SO much stuff, of the 800 euros I brought with me, I had 400 left when I got to Callela, and left for Barcelona the next day with 200. XD
Anyway, so lots of adorable, unique shops. I spent fifty euros in one jewellery store alone. Then we (our pod of nineish) went down to see and touch the Mediterranean before supper, and it was so beautiful with the sun just just juuuust setting. Blushing bright pink, the water glowing blue even when it was getting dark. Most of the girls took off their shoes and walked in, but I didn't want to bother, I just wanted to touch it (with my right hand, with the ring on it.) So I tried, but so many times I juuuust couldn't touch it. Then at one point the water came up higher than expected, so I tried to backpedal and then tripped and kinda'... bailed into the Mediterranean. But then after a little while, I got to touch it twice before we got bored and went back.
Next day, we went into Barcelona. Our tour bus (since we said bye to our bus driver Florentino who had been with us the entire time, he took another tour group that was going the opposite direction) was late, like, an hourish, so we were late for our tour, so we cut that short, it was kinda boring, just looking at another freaking church, but a really freaky one built by this guy, Gaudi, who built a bunch of other stuff we saw. The other stuff was all like, really, REALLY modern, crazy in fact, all mosaic and pretty gorgeous. But we were tired and hungry, so we got out early, and got shopping quicker. Barcelona was HUGE and confusing, but we did lots of good shopping, I spent all but 120 euros. Bought tons. Amy found her grad dress.
Then the next day we went to the airport in Barcelona, then off to Frankfurt, to Vancouver from there (10 hours in a tube. I hated my life at that point.) Then to Victoria, which was the bumpiest, scariest ride of my life. XD And then I was home.
So I forgot to mention pods. The deal with pods, four people in a group, for safety when we went for lunch or for shopping. There were some issues between Amy and Travis, so we switched out Travis for Ariel at some point. Then Ariel started giving us issues, she was ignoring us completely in favour of the other group, so Amy just asked her to join another pod in Barcelona. Sometimes we were with the Burnaby girls, either in full or in part, like in Valencia and in Calella. So usually when we went shopping, it was 4+ people when I say 'we' or 'us'. XP Too lazy to go back and specify who and when.
The Amy-Travis issues got real old real fast. Because he wanted to go out with Hannah, and she asked him to just respect her by not doing anything in front of her on the trip. And of course they started cuddling on the plane, so that started a whole shitfit. For the rest of the trip. There was a lot of drama, I don't want to re-explain it. I can understand her asking them to be decent in front of her, but after that things just got out of hand. My personal opinion is that she was just looking for a way to control him, manipulate him, have some sort of power over him. It caused a lot of unnecessary crap. I felt bad for her, for him, and for Hannah. I could tell they were trying to be nice, like, just the last thing I noticed, they were cuddled together at the airport at the end of the trip, facing back to us, and Amy started flipping out again and made some snide remarks that they could hear, and then we sat down, and then I looked back a couple minutes later and they had completely separated. She was just making SUCH a big deal out of it.
And there was Ariel drama. She was siding with Travis, and so of course Amy had it in for her from then on. But Ariel WAS really cold and bitchy. So I dunno. And there's more, but I don't want to think about it anymore. I'm so done with all that.
So that was my trip in a very big nutshell, haha. I had such a fabulous time!!
Anyway, so I ended up telling him how I felt before I left for my trip...
I did something really stupid and cowardly. Well, it turned out alright, and I'm only admitting this to you because I really really trust you guys.
Anyway, so I told him, but I did it really poorly, in a Facebook message, because really, I'm not good with that kind of stuff. At all. But it was alright. I got rejected, yeah, but it'll be okay, I think. In fact, here.
I wrote:
'Hey, so, I know this is totally a crappy, tacky way to do this, and I really wanted to tell you in person before I left, but I am not courageous and I got scared. Anyway, my point being that I wanted to tell you that I like you, wondering if maybe you'd want to go out sometime, but also I just want you to know that if you're not interested, it's totally alright, because I also really appreciate having you as a friend, and I don't want things to get awkward between us just because of this, you know? Which is why this is so hard for me to say and what kept me from actually telling you in a legit way. I feel silly, using Facebook. Haha. That's so pathetic.
I should go to bed, though, because I'm going to be up again and going to the airport really really soon! So stoked! Have a good spring break!'
He replied:
'Well I am kinda glad that you chose this way, I'm not good with this sorta thing in person lol. So I do like you, but as a friend. I don't want this to make things awkward either, I really do appreciate you as a friend and hope that we can still be able to be friends, I have also been on the reciveing end of conversations/emails like this before and know that they are crappy, but I also know that you will survive for as long as you know how to love I know you'll stay alive! So I would like to still be friends ad I hope that I didn't hurt you in any way'
I appreciate that he was really nice about it, really understanding. I got the reply in Seville, on Amy's iPod touch, but I didn't let that ruin my trip. In fact, Seville was my favourite city, it was so beautiful :3
I didn't even tell her what was going on, I didn't cry or anything, she didn't see it, I was just like, Ah, okay, here's your iPod back. I told her I'd gotten rejected, but I kind of lied. I told her I got rejected before I left, and I didn't tell her who, but I told her she knows him. We're good friends, but not /that/ good.
I'm okay with it. Like, whatever, there'll be someone else at some point, and I've had time to get used to it, and hopefully we can still be friends without too much changing. Like, he still wants to hang out with me 'cause he couldn't today, so I guess that's a good sign? He's still an amazing friend, regardless of if it progresses into anything further, and that's good enough for right now, I guess. It wasn't meant to be. It's fine. It's gonna take a while for me to get to the point where I won't be still thinking about him like that, won't still hope that I have a chance, when I'm finally over him and moved on, but that's alright. I've been through worse than this, I've gotten over other guys, and at least I still get to have him as a friend, he's been so good to me, I was so scared that that'd be it.
It was my birthday today! (technically yesterday; the 17th, St. Patrick's day.) It was awesome. I hung out with friends, walked around, got back into my city, shopped a little bit (I bought the Corpse Bride for eight bucks, XD I was like, YES.) So I'm officially eighteen and I sense good things for this year. I think I'm gonna like officially being an adult.
I wish I didn't have this damn cold though! I feel like singing, I felt like singing a lot on the trip but couldn't, there was always someone around. And now I can, and yet I can't because I sound and feel like s**t. My head still isn't right from the pressure on the plane, it nearly killed me on the way down it hurt so badly. I was just curled up with my hands clamped over my ears, tearing up. It hurt THAT bad. I have a pretty good pain threshold. So yeah.
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Posted: Thu Mar 18, 2010 6:22 pm
Agh...
So, I found out late last night that he's going out with someone today... with another guy. I don't know how I should feel. I mean, I have nothing against any sexual preferences, it's just the fact that of course, I had to go and fall for a guy who's bisexual or homosexual. I'm really excited for him, I'm happy that he's happy, but it just... it hurts and I can't help it. I'm selfish. I want him for myself. But he doesn't like me back, so I'm powerless. Sitting here, feeling like s**t. Doesn't help that I got my period the day I came back from Spain, so I'm particularly miserable, today's usually the heaviest, most miserable, angsty, painful day. It hurts no matter what I'm doing, it hurts to /exist/ today. Not helping!!
I just... I don't know what to do anymore. I feel helpless, trapped. I was so, so sure he liked me back, otherwise I probably wouldn't have admitted that to him. Because he was so into me, touchy-feely, what felt to me like a romantic sort of relationship. So I told him, because I was almost completely convinced that he felt the same for me. And now... even if I've had upwards of a week to get used to the idea, now I'm just devastated. And feeling like s**t. Feeling worthless. A little scared. Because I was so sure. I was so crazy about him, I liked every little bit about him (and I still do.)
And while I was getting closer to him, until it boiled over into this breaking point, I did some damage to other relationships, a few friends in particular I've been ignoring and are mad at me. I'm pretty one-track-minded as far as people go. I don't have the greatest people skills, when I get involved with someone, I usually spend all my time with them. If I have any choice, I prefer hanging out with one person to many. I like one-on-one. In groups, I'm more of an observer, I don't contribute as much. I don't get included in groups as easily. And I've learned that threes are the worst, it gets clicky between two people and the third is the third wheel, usually me. I get involved in just one person, be it a romantic relationship, or just a friend, and then the others kind of lose importance for a while until the flame dies and I start hanging out with someone else. I dunno. Hard to describe.
So one of my best friends is mad at me for hanging out with him so much, and now it's going to be embarrassing going back to her after I've been burnt, and going back to the group with that added tension between he and I, since we're still going to be friends as normal as far as I understand.
Ugh. This sucks. This blows. I'm feeling so sick. I can't eat. I had a terrible sleep last night. I dreamed about him. I know when we get back to school it's going to kill me to be around him knowing what I do, knowing that I don't mean all that much to him. And I know he probably won't change how he acts with me. I'll feel played. This is going to suck.
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Posted: Fri Mar 19, 2010 2:32 am
Awwww... I'm sorry hun... -huggles- I've had similar things happen to me.. Except they weren't gay or bi, they were douchebags. -.- I hate when guys do that.. Get all touchy-feely and then shatter your dreams.... I think though, that it's simply in some people's nature to be more... physical. I have a friend whom I would never ever go out with, but I touch him constantly. It's just because we're such good friends. I treat him like I do my girl friends. lol
Spain sounds amazing. I wish I could get out of the country, if only for a little while. Travelling is so much fun! And different languages... Especially Spanish... It makes me swoon....
Try not to hold it against your friend too much. Like I said, some people simply touch others more, or flirt more, unconsciously. He probably didn't mean to hurt you. If you can find it in your heart to forgive him, that would be the best thing. He probably feels as awful as you do.
I'm sorry. I hope you have some good news to post soon!
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Posted: Fri Mar 19, 2010 3:05 pm
Ouch....
Well, at least you didn't ask him out, only to find out he was gay. Been there, done that. It hurts. But remember, most hot guys are either gay, taken, or jerks. That's about a good 90% of them lately.
Wow, Spain. I'm rockin' Florida, though, and hopefully London real soon.
I feel you're point about groups, too. Ugh, hate them. Expectually when they pair off and you're not in a group or with someone you hate. Ack.
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Posted: Sun Mar 21, 2010 11:17 pm
-unintelligible noise of frustration-
Not doing so hot. Since I left Spain I have a lot more time to dwell, and I get depressed over nothing when I'm alone and have time to dwell. Which has been pretty much the past five days. Thursday and Friday I didn't even get out of my pajamas (Friday until like, 5, when I showered and dressed and went to my friend's for the night. Gawd. What a night.)
Friday I saw my bff in like, the entire universe for the first time in so long, but my opinion of her is dwindling. She's moved in with a roommate and her 15-year-old boyfriend (she's turning 19 soon), they both smoke quite a lot, which previously is something she'd never do. Works nights at McDick's and somehow makes a living off it. All we did at that party was sit around and play Pokemon, something we haven't done together since we were little. Something I've grown up from; sure, it's still cute and will always hold a place in my heart, and yeah, I still have the games lying around, but I don't really have the time to devote to them anymore. I don't want to have the time to devote to them. I've wasted enough of my life in those games that I'd like to have an actual existence now. And then around 3 AM I went to the washroom, and when I came out, they'd all had 2-6 shots of Jaggermeister, and so two were drunk, two were buzzed (complete strangers to me, mind you. Her friends, one her little boyfriend, she only had one or two.) And me, completely sober because I didn't want any at all, even though they'd offered when I came back. So what do we do at this early time? Walk to a park. It was... eventful. Her boyfriend was causing some s**t... that lasted well beyond 5 AM. He didn't get his way and was acting childishly... actually hurt her physically. It was ugly. Then I left around noon, before any of them got up. I can't believe she's turned out like this. It seems like she's going nowhere... it sucks.
And then yeah... the whole guy thing's not going so hot. I have the time to dwell, like I said, so I find it hard not to be hurt anymore. I really really want to just... hate him. It's so much easier than caring, so much easier than loving him, even as a friend, having him so close, but constantly knowing I can't have him, that he doesn't care.
I just... agh. It feels like there's a void now, a big void where he used to take up all my life, all my attention, and now that he's basically off-limits, there's a hole. He took with it all he ever gave me, all the love for myself and the inner strength he gave me, he took all my feelings of being a strong, independent person, of being a loved person, of being worthwhile. Sad that I have to admit that I needed a guy to give me all that, but he did. He made me feel so good, he made me the luminous, radiant person I was for so long, he was so good to me. He made everything so brilliant, he made everything light and joy and fun, but now it's like, 'well, s**t, what am I going to do now?' He made me feel special. I'm sorry if it's shallow to say that I miss that and that I desperately want that back. I'm sorry if it's bad to say that I needed-- need-- a guy to make me feel like that.
Ugh. Getting overly sentimental and running out of things to say, so I'm just saying crap now. I should stop.
Replies!
@ Sin Falcon:: Yeah, I guess you're right, XP That's annoying. I hung out with him and a bunch of friends today, and he was still kinda touchy-feely with me, even though his boyfriend was like, right there. I felt like just being all b***h-mode about it, 'Don't touch me, you a**.' but I didn't because I still want to be friends. Sigh, that's annoying.
Yes!! You should definitely see Europe, it's so beautiful! I just want to go back there immediately and like, backpack all over everywhere~
Yeah, I know, I'm doing my best. I just get bitchy when I get hurt. XP Defense mechanism. We were trying to act completely normal today, so I guess that's a good thing. It'll turn out alright.
Haha, same!! But tomorrow's Monday so I highly doubt that D; Especially since I didn't actually crack a book at all this break. xP
@ Hallows Eve Reaper:: Haha, yes, that's definitely a good rule of thumb to follow. If it seems too good to be true, it must be gonk
My last three crushes, in order: jerk, taken, gay. XP
Ugh. I've juuust about lost my faith in men... lol.
Yeah! It was incredible~! Ohh, London, I'm jealous! We want to go there for Christmas, but I'm doubting how plausible it is... XP
I know, that's so frustrating!! It happened today, when there were nine of us. I was like... ugh, really? D; I understand that it's hard to include everyone all the time, but it kept splitting up into the same groups, it was just kind of dumb.
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TheSpacesBetweenMyFingers
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Posted: Tue Mar 30, 2010 4:17 pm
[[Vivi! <3 This is 0ptimistic Pessimism on my other acc... i haven't been on Gaia for a bit, so here goes...]]
Aaaaaah, oh my God. I should've gone on a while ago, I had no idea!
I'm so so so so so sorry he didn't feel the same way, and that you were almost 99% confident that he felt the same way. Hell, I was even positive that he felt the same way. I mean, your IM conversation with him... you guys were just so adorable that it kills me. Lol.
And to find out that he's gay a while after? That's just... bad.
It's not shallow at ALL to say that you miss feeling special because of him... I know the feeling and I can relate completely.
Glad you had fun at Spain though, I wish I could've went with you! Lol jk. But still glad you had fun (:
I'll try to come back for moreee... So sorry about all that stuff. ):
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Posted: Fri Apr 02, 2010 12:05 am
(after) m a t h
Clipped from my other blog, explaining the post-rejection dealio. Posted March 24.
Well, I'm feeling better now. We hung out today and at first I was feeling super-awkward, just because I kept remembering "I told him how I felt, I got rejected, it was probably super-awkward, he's going out with someone else." And then we just... went to Starbucks above Chapters and people-watched and talked and did what we always do, and it was just... good. We had fun like we did before all this junk. It was exactly the same, nothing had changed, nothing was awkward, it was just natural. And then on the bus home, we took the fifty, and we just... talked about Europe. Talked about all the beautiful things we've seen that made our hearts flood with awe, talked about the lovely little details and the picturesque places that we want to go back to. Earlier in Chapters he'd said that we should go to Japan for like, a year, just to immerse ourselves in quirky fashion while we're still young enough to get away with it. And then when we were talking about Europe we decided that we should totally go for a long time and just backpack everywhere, in like five years' time (when I grad from UVic and the co-op program with a shiny bachelor's in Biology with a minor in psych.) And this is nice because he doesn't hate me, something I'd feared, and he still wants to be friends, and I'm completely okay with that now. I feel way better since we hung out, not because I got high off his presence like I pretty much did before, but because I feel secure that things aren't gonna be all different and awkward now, things are normal and I was really scared they were gonna be off. And I feel like I can let go of all this and move on, which is nice. I feel like we were meant to be strictly friends and that's it, now. I still get to have him as a friend, and I know that now, and so I feel way better now. If that sounds totally strange, I'm sorry. I'm just... I think I'm able to get better from here on out. I don't think we were meant to be anything more than friends. Sucks it took getting a little hurt to realize that, but I love having him just where I do now. I like having fun like that and having him as a friend without having any pressure or any stress, etc. I dunno. It's good. I'm happy. I'm happy for him. My life's good again. [end clip]
This past weekend, Saturday until Tuesday, we were on the grad ski trip with a couple other friends, and it was amazing! We were all staying in the condos, we hung out after skiing, flew down the mountain together, I was just completely uplifted by that experience. There's something so liberating about the rhythmic, controlled yet weightless, breathless, so completely natural feeling of flying down that mountain in skis, something so magical... it was just like, yes, this is where I should be right now. This is what I was meant to be doing right now. This is perfection, this is bliss, this is nirvana. I could have cried, it was so great. And of course there was lots of laughter and inside jokes and stuff. The only thing that bothered me was a) he kept getting depressed 'cause he missed his boyfriend. And yeah, I guess that's understandable, but still, they've only been going out a week and a half. Like, really? And b) he was still really clingy and physically close. I guess that's just my own personal thing, though. That's just how he is with people. Still, it was unsettling. But yeah, the trip was so great! Lots of wonderful snow, lots of amazing trips down the hill, tons of adventures, including three break-downs on the trip back home, and I can still feel every muscle in the lower half of my legs D: Lol.
And so we had a two-day week this week, and it was just... painful. Not only was I completely 100% bushed, but I was just kind of bitter about him. Because he and his boyfriend are always so clingy. And his boyfriend, well, I've watched his past relationships. None too pretty. He and my friend split (after a laughably brief relationship), then a few days later he was with a grade nine girl (we're graduating this year), like, inseparably so, for a few months, then when they broke up, he was with him maybe two weeks later, at most? ...I just think he's going to get hurt. But whatever, it's not my place. I'm still a little jealous, and yeah, that's going to take a little while to get over. Because whereas I was his first choice for a long while there, suddenly I and everyone else have been replaced and pushed back. I feel unsteady, like I've lost everything I'd been holding on to for so long, and I'm wobbly and might fall over. I've got nothing left. Hoping to just ride out the rest of my miserly high school life, because June is so close I can taste it. Hopefully pull up my less-than-amazing Physics mark. Then on to UVic. And freedom. A new life, an existence of biological systems and study and passionate work. Doing what I love. Sucks that he's not gonna be in it, but hey, he had his chance. Whatevs, man. I'm ready to move on.
I'm kind of just so tired that the first half of this post is going to sound happy, the second part bitter. I get in bad moods way too easily when I'm tired.
I've been craftingggg~ Making jewelery. It's a good distraction. XP
Replies!
Hey, welcome back deary! :3
Oh, no worries. It's totally okay now. I still get bitter about it from time to time, but the worst is over.
I know, right?! XP I'd never have told him if I wasn't so sure... which makes it all the worse, makes me feel like SUCH an idiot. XD
Haha, yeah!! Well, they both SAY they're bi, but I guess we'll see how that goes. XD Looking back on it now, well, yeah, I guess it was kind of obvious? XP
I know D: That's one of the worst parts. I feel like I need his attention... And that's just... not fun. D:
Hehe, yeah, Spain was incredible!! I just want to go back nowwwww. XP
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Posted: Mon May 24, 2010 1:45 am
Neurotic
My mom's really bothering me. I'm just not important to her now that she's getting majorly serious with her boyfriend. (The boyfriend she's had for almost exactly the same length of time as the time that my stepdad has been dead for, today is the ten month anniversary of his death, the 24th. They've been going out for over nine months.) She's spending all her time with him, she's so 'in love' with him that I don't matter anymore. Yeah, sure, I am eighteen now, I am entitled to exercise a little bit of my adult powers to have my own life, but that doesn't mean that I still don't need her, that doesn't mean that I even have a life to live. Nobody wants much to do with me anymore. My friends are all busy, my previous-crush, my let's-be-'friends' guy, wants nothing to do with anyone anymore. But I'm pretty much done dealing with him, so whatever. If he and his boyfriend want to shut themselves off from everyone completely, then that's just fine. (bitter? Me? No!)
I've taken to hanging out here with my dog to keep from being completely lonely. I talk to her. At least she still gives a damn about me even when someone else walks through the door.
But still, my mom just doesn't give a damn about me anymore. They went camping all weekend, and that's fine, I can take care of myself. I'll get a little lonely, but it's fine. Just fine. Then they came home today because her boyfriend's mom is in the hospital or somesuch, and I called them when I got home to see if they were okay, and my mom just wasn't interested in hearing from me at all. I was like, "I just called to see if you guys are okay, if you made it home alright." And she was like, "Yeah, see you tomorrow, bye, *click*"
I just hate it, that I'm so easily replaceable, brush-off-able, that I mean next to nothing to her now. She's never been like this with any other guy, not my stepdad, not my real dad, not the other guys she's dated. I always came first. Forgive me if it sounds overly selfish, but she is my mother, I deserve to have her when I need her, right?
So I'm completely alone, seeming to be the only person to remember what happened this day ten months ago, how I watched a sweet man die right before my eyes, with my mother whose loving him was just a sham, as his breathing slowed and then... stopped... his lungs inflating beneath his bony, exposed, sunken chest for the final time as his body gave up the fight. We were all there, holding his hands, there for his last moments, a man who'd died as a person a long time ago, but died in form that day. I'd loved him as a father, he'd been my father for so long, a better father than my own had been, he loved me, he cared, and then he was gone, out of my life like a flash of lightning. I can barely remember what he sounded like when he spoke, I can't remember his voice before he got sick. I can't recall his face in clarity anymore, most of my clearest memories of him are of him in his wheelchair, of him, sick.
I'm so scared to die now. I'm terrified. I'm scared of getting sick, of being diagnosed with something, of maybe needing an organ and not getting it, of being diagnosed with something that will never get better, I'm so scared of dying. I've not yet lived, I don't want to die. It sounds irrational, an eighteen-year-old stressing about her death, but it could happen any time. It could happen right here, right now. It could happen as I cross the street, some idiot in a car, the speed of which exceeds the number of brain cells in his head, that can't seem to tell him to slow the ******** down. I could die in my sleep, and never get to see the people I love ever again, and leave behind all sorts of regrets. How would my mom feel then? I could die at any moment, and it terrifies me.
It's irrational, I know, but still... I'm scared.
Just kind of hate my life right now. Can't wait to graduate. Can't wait to move on. I hope things get a little better.
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Posted: Sun Jun 20, 2010 11:50 pm
Wonderful, 'cause I am
The graduation ceremony on the 7th of June was absolutely beautiful. I didn't get too many pictures because my mom didn't know how to properly use my camera to produce non-blurry-as-hell pictures, but that's okay. It was really fun, our grad class is kind of amazing <3
Finished up classes Friday, got yearbooks, that was good. I wrote huge long sentimental at-least-half-a-page epics in their yearbooks (I, in return, however, got only one full-page comment, and a bunch of small ones, and one drawing of an eevee~) because I'm gonna miss them all!!
And then yesterday was prom!!
I got up at 6:30 and got picked up 15 minutes down the road by my physics teacher to go for last-minute physics tutorial. It was alright; I got to see the staff room, and she bought us five muffins and juice. XP
From there, my mom picked me up at 11, took me home, and we got the things I'd forgotten, then went off to my hair appointment. She did an amazing job with it, it was so gorgeous! A slight bump in the back, curled, half-up sort of thing, tendrils around my face, and rings of hair to decorate the back (which is hard to describe) but it was just so... pretty. With my rhinestone headband, it was fabulous. And then we picked up my corsage and headed home so I could put on my dress, my lovely beautiful blue dress, and then we went to meet my friends at school. I did one girl's makeup, we took some pictures, then got in the limo when it arrived. We then went to this big park downtown, and took a bunch of gorgeous pictures, and we even got one with most of the grad class in it, it was fabulous. Then we went to the ocean for like, five minutes, then went to the actual prom. By this time, it was almost 6. We got to hang out in the lounge, which was so amazing. It was all dark wood, elegant furniture, a grand piano in one corner, all windows overlooking the ocean... simply lovely. Hung out for a bit, mingled, then we went in to dinner, which was great, and then the dancing started. It was awesome. I love dancing in a big poofy dress. After all was finished, I went home and quickly changed for the after-party, at some random kid's house. I'm glad I got there early; they actually had to turn people away, and start a line forming, so they'd let more people in as others left. It was a pretty sweet party, though. You didn't even have to drink to have a good time; the drunk people were hilarious. I had one cooler, which is pretty good for me, I usually don't like to drink. I got to a comfortable state of having-fun and inhibition-lessness, so I was happy. I got home by 3AM.
It was magical, I am dying to relive it. I wish it never ended. I had so much fun!
I even asked this one guy to dance. (It was funny. I just grabbed him, I'm like, You should come dance with me. And he's like, why? And I'm like, because. I want to dance. Then we got to the floor, and he's like, but I don't know how! And I said Me neither! But I'm sure we can make it work! We sort of did. Ish. XP We almost figured it out, but then the song changed. XP Fail.) He's part of our group of friends, and if I had to describe him in one word, it would most likely be nerdy. But not in a bad way. He's pretty cool, he's funny and sweet, he keeps me laughing all the time, and he's not afraid to be who he is. And I totally respect and admire that. He's got a hilarious car; it's like, an eighties Rabbit, convertible. XD It's eligible for freakin' collector's plates. XD And for as much as it's hilarious, it's also pretty cool. xP And... well, all in all, I might be in trouble. I might... like him just a bit. But there's a problem, it's not like I can tell any of the other group of friends, any of my close friends, because none of them really think too much of him, for whatever reason. They still hang out with him, but they just don't like him. And I just don't know what to do from here on. Last time I tried to ask a guy out, it turns out he was gay, but I don't even know what this one thinks of me. Like, I'm so scared of reading too much into things, because I always do, and I always end up getting hurt because of it! But we hang out sometimes, we talk a lot, we sit together... And I mean... I don't even know if my feelings are serious, or if they're simply a result of being extremely lonely and a little bit desperate. I mean, I've been thinking about it for a long time, but I've also been feeling kind of wretchedly single for a long time, too. That sounds bad. But I've never had a boyfriend, and I'm eighteen, do you blame me for feeling like maybe I'd like someone to care about me for once? Makes me wonder, what's wrong with me?
I don't know what he thinks of me, and I don't know how to pursue this. I don't know what to do. I hate being at this stage. It feels like you're trapped under three feet of water and can't quite make it to the surface. I kind of want to just say '******** it' and be like, 'maybe we should go out some time. See how things go.' but then again, I'm super self-conscious. And he's not even going to the university I'm going to...
Whatever. I need to go to sleep. I have a big exam tomorrow.
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Posted: Fri Jul 02, 2010 1:55 am
Speedy-thing goes in; Speedy-thing comes out.
So, life's been more tame lately since I finished high school. Last week was the end of all the high-drama high school; exam week; Monday morning, I had a Physics provincial, I think it went okay. Tuesday morning, I know I aced the Physics final. Then that afternoon, we spent our very last lunch hour in the Corner. The Corner of massive epic where we spent quite nearly every single lunch. I'm gonna miss it so much D: Wednesday we went for lunch with the swim coach and I choked down the most bitterest, most disgusting coffee ever, one I didn't even ask for... XP; Thursday afternoon was the Bio provincial, which was done on the computer, it was good, I think. xP Then we went to the petting zoo and stuff, it was fun. Friday afternoon, the Fral provincial, which was win because the final essay, we had a choice of 'describe a time when your parents wanted to move to a different country' which obviously didn't have to be real, or 'were the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver beneficial for BC?' so I got to rant against the Olympics, and if it's anti-Olympics, I'm SO there. I'm SO down for that. XP If I didn't get a perfect score, then the person that grades it is either a) stupid because I weaved a very compelling argument, b) pro-Olympics (fail), or c) the Ministry of Education, but I don't think they grade them. XP And then I had a friend over for the night. We saw Toy Story 3, it was awesome. Then Tuesday we picked up report cards (I got a B in Physics! :3) and went to the lake, then I had everyone over to my house for BBQ and four people stayed over, playing chess, Risk and Rock Band all night. XP I got so little sleep because I slept on the floor, so last night I slept for eleven hours, and tonight I'm just finally getting tired... at 2 AM. Eff. Only a handful of days in, and I've already ******** my sleep schedule.
And now... it's over. Everything's over. I work Saturday... might pop downtown Sunday for an ex-crush's thing at the Jazz Festival because I have nothing else to do (It's silly, even though I was pretty sure I was over him, he still gives me chills, his laugh still makes me weak, seeing him still shocks me, his name is still one I can pick out on a page... I'm not sure... I got so excited when he invited me to it on Facebook, then I realized, he probably just hit 'invite all friends' or whatever because he wants to get the word out, not because he specifically went through and picked the people who would enjoy the show. The people who would care. I don't care. I mean, I'm over him, he dropped out of school for his guitar and his photography while I'm off to post-secondary, I don't necessarily want that in my life [not that I could get that, but still]. So why do I still care...?)
And other than that... I coast. I guess I'll go down to the beach every now and again since it's not that far from here, I guess... try to see people, try to do things that make me happy... I get my N so I can drive solo at the end of this month, so I'll be free then, but I have to keep the car in gas, so... we'll see... (I just had massive Deja-Vu writing that...)
As for Last Post Guy, I... don't know. He went to the lake with us, and we were chatting on the way, I was showing lots of interest, but he didn't seem interested. I was trying to be inviting, trying to include him, trying to show I was interested in him, but he didn't get it... he just kept bitching about his best friend, as per usual, (the guy who's going out with my Last Crush) because he hates that he's not getting all the attention anymore, that he's basically been shafted by his friend (again! This happens every time the Boyfriend goes out with anyone; he pretty much disappears until they break up, and is only social until he finds someone else) and I just think... well, ********, if he really isn't interested, why am I bothering wasting my breath and my time if I really can just... let it go like this? When we got out of the lake the first time, he was so cold. Like, I agree, it was cold in the water, and the wind was blowing, but he was just shaking and being stubborn, so I made him put his shirt on, then his jacket, but he was still cold, so he left early, and didn't go to my house. (the rest of us went back into the water. XP) I mean, if it were me, if I were at all interested in a girl, I'd probably die to be able to go and hang with her at her place. So you know what? ******** it. I'm going to meet a ton of amazing people in University, who knows? Maybe it'll finally all fall into place for me... god knows it's about time, god knows I deserve it... In summation; he is cute, funny, with great eyes, an amusing smile, and a very slight six-pack that nobody expected under everything (lol), but definitely not someone I'm crushing on, and who is potentially into his best friend...?
Today, my mom printed off $25.00 worth of pictures of my Grad and the Dinner-Dance (that I have to pay her back for apparently... Ffffffuuuuu--) and I was going through them, and I felt weak in the heart. I'm going to miss them all so much. Nothing is ever going to be the same again. We've gone through so much and turned corners that closed up behind us. And I'm never really going to get to see these beautiful wonderful people ever again. Only a handful will be on campus with me, and none of them in my faculty. We're going to be taking different classes, meeting different people, starting different lives. I'm never going to be able to stay in touch with my friends, we're going to drift apart, and it scares me and hurts and I'm not looking forward to it. I've met the best friends of my life, they've been so supportive and so 100% good for me. I love them. I'm not ready to let them go. I arranged four pictures into a picture frame I had, with spaces in the shapes of 2, 0, and 1, spelling out 2010, I put two from the Grad Ceremony and two from the Dinner-Dance, and it's totally cute. And I put a picture of as many of my friends as were there during the picture taking before the Ceremony that was really cute into a picture frame by my bed. I miss them already.
I hate money. I received $400 for Grad, and I'm pretty sure I'm already eating straight through all that cash. Well, when my friend came over Friday, we went to the movies, so like, a $15 ticket, because it was 3-D, $20.00 for popcorn because the movie theatre ******** overcharge by quite a bit, and then my friend wanted food and snacks for the sleepover bit, so I bought a huge-a** bucket of ice-cream (I thought she would pick a sensible tub, but nooo), some fruit, some chips, etc etc etc. So that came up to quite a bit... probably a $50+ evening, which sucks. And I bought an $88.00 plus tax Lululemon bag for University, and I've bought tons of food, snacks, etc... I'm so broke. And the amount I'm working this year is very slim, and nobody's going to hire me for two months of work. But I want to go and buy a shitload of clothes, I want to go second-hand shopping and get some cool t-shirts, button-downs and long-sleeve shirts I can cut up and DIY into some fashionable pieces since my shredded Grad shirt turned out so well and with such approval. I want to revamp my closet, it desperately needs some help. And I want to buy some other things, material to make some more clothes, but it's so unbelievably expensive! I want to buy some shoes online, since one store here sells my size and they sell mostly old lady shoes. I want to buy some geeky t-shirts online, but including taxes, shipping, conversion, and duty, it comes out to a lot! And a bunch of other stuff; more acrylic paint, the full version of Portal, a Portal mug, some Portal t-shirts, some material to make a cuddly Weighted Companion Cube since I am, yes, quite obsessed with Portal, some jewelery making supplies, some more oven-bake clay, some new headphones, and the list goes on, but now more than ever, I know I should be conservative with my expenses, but I really... really don't want to. I want to buy whatever the ******** I want, I want to spend money like it's burning up in my hands, I want to try and... fill up all my emptiness with meaningless objects. Clothes. Shoes. Makeup brushes. Trinkets. Jewelery. Headphones. Statement pieces. It's all useless...
I have a tuition I need to pay...
I don't even have that much!
Why the ******** must everything cost so much of something that I don't even have? Why do I feel like I need things to be happy?
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Posted: Sat Jul 03, 2010 12:27 am
One long, painful, life-changing, never-be-the-same-again year
I keep thinking; in a matter of a few short days, it'll be a year since my stepdad died. And I want to cry so badly, but I also don't. I want to be strong. But I miss him like I never thought I would. And, worse, it feels like I'm the only one who remembers such a sweet man, like I'm the only one that cares that he, such a crucial, integral part of our family, died a year ago this coming 24th. My mom's off being all lovey-dovey with her boyfriend, who was one of his best friends, and they started dating not very long at all after he died. And she's been gone for so long lately, looking after her boyfriend and his dad and his mom who was in the hospital, and then now this weekend, now that everything's all over, she's gone on vacation with him, and it's like... I'm part of an entirely different sphere of existence. I'm not part of any --family--. I'm just a tenant, that doesn't have to pay rent. That can look after herself, feed herself well enough with the scraps left in the cupboards and rotting refridgerator vegetables (since nobody's been here long enough to actually go to the store and buy groceries in weeks), get herself to work on her own while she can't yet drive. I dunno. I mean, I was supportive. I understood that she was needed elsewhere. But I thought that maybe since everything was done with, that maybe she'd actually come home for once, spend a little bit of time with me. But no, without telling me at all, she just decides, Oh, well, we're going to Saltspring this weekend, so... yeah...
I have to bus to work tomorrow (s**t, where's my uniform...?) and I'm kind of worried. If I take the bus that will make me on-time for work, I'm worried there might be a lot of traffic and I'll be late. If I take the earlier bus, it's an entire hour earlier. Effff. I really don't know what to do.
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Posted: Thu Jul 29, 2010 5:09 pm
monotony
So, not too much has been going on. I got my laaaast provincial grades from my laaaaast year of high school, which makes me thrilled--
I got a 90% (which is quite spectacular, by the way!) on the Francais Langue provincial, and when averaged with my 90% class grade, I got 90% overall in the course. xD
And I did... okay... in biology... less than I was expecting. I got 85% (********!!) and if I had gotten 86% on THAT ONE EXAM, then I would have been given $1000 from the government! So, my best, most favourite subject being the one I lose out on that money with? Yeah. Not happy-making. But I got like, 92% or something in the class, so it averaged out to 89% (I told UVic I'd get 90%... D; )
And for Physics, I didn't do too badly! I got 71% on the exam, bringing my grade of 73% down to a 72%. (Whoops, told UVic I was expecting to get an 80%. XD) But still! I passed! I succeeded! I'm not at all disappointed with how I did.
I failed my driver's test on Friday. I was driving my grandma's LandRover, which was strange to me, I'm not used to it, since mom's car was strapped down with kayaks. I thought I would pass, of course I would pass, why wouldn't I pass? Failure wasn't an option. Then she's like, 'not this time', I'm like, DAMMIT. I didn't know how to back in, so that was a huge thing. XP And some other, easy to fix stuff. But still... I have to pay another $35 to go and take the damn test again, and make another appointment.
Otherwise... hmm. Not much. Work. I love work. Work is amazing. I work on Saturday, and a double-shift on Sunday. It'll be awesome. I love weddings~
My mom and I went camping and kayaking last weekend on one of the islands, it was cool. The Saturday was the anniversary of my stepdad's death; I didn't cry. We were so busy kayaking that day that I didn't even have time to think about it until later. But I didn't cry. I think I'm done crying about it. There's not much else I can do. I still miss him, tons, but my life is just beginning; why should I miss it holding on to the past? I'll take the memories with me in my breast pocket, pull them out in fondness to show people I meet along the way, but I'm not going to be held back because of it. He's a part of who I've been and who I'm becoming, and I'm glad for that. But I'm done crying for him. I've gotta move on.
I've been roleplaying a little more lately. Made a nice big one in one of the other guilds I'm in. It's awesome. And I'm planning on taking that premise I'd used to make that RP and writing a book about it. I think I can do it :3 I just need to actually... y'know... sit down and think the plot through and then start writing. But I really want to do it, I want to post it on Inkpop, which I heard about from someone in this guild, see how people like it. And probably on FictionPress and DeviantART. Just to get lots of feedback. All my RL friends are in DA, so they can finally finally read something I wrote :3 I'll link to it when I'm there.
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Posted: Mon Nov 01, 2010 10:44 pm
You've got the love.
Oh dear. So I had a fabulous Hallowe'en.
Probably the highlight of my entire year.
Maybe.
Anyway, so Friday night, I stayed up until midnight which was a total treat-- don't have much time of my own since University started. Then got up at 6:30 to go up island and help my mom's boyfriend move heavy furniture and bring it back here. 7-1 of hard labour, while wearing my hallowe'en costume, xD (I was the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland. I made my own ears and everything, turned out REALLY well~)
Then went, met some friends, went back to my house and had a party. Played video games, watched a movie, drank tea and ate little squares, cupcakes, jello brains, junk food, etc. Played Wii until 4:30 AM and made the ugliest Miis we could. xD
Got up at 8:30, the two went home before 2, I laid down on the couch and read something on my iPod touch until 4, when I thought I should probably get ready. Showered, dressed, makeup, had supper, then got a ride to my friend's house, where we went trick-or-treating!! I haven't done that in years, it was so much fun!!
Anyway, this is the sticky part-- her brother came with us. Now, I've known him in the casual, brother-of-a-friend way for years. He's always been extremely tall, silent, almost a little bit creepy. XD He rarely spoke to me before. And I don't know what caused the change, but last night he talked to me a lot!! And like, mostly me. He took joy in scaring me (and succeeding... for someone so goddamn tall, he moves so fricking quietly and undetectably!!) and when we returned from trick-or-treating, we absconded into his room. (LOL Before you say anything, it was purely innocent. We left the door wide open!) Anyway, he showed one of the little kids we took with us his room, and then we got talking and he thought that since I'm skittish and scared easily, I'm scared by like... evil, erratic music-- not the case. He put a song on and sat in a chair like he was an evil... I don't even know. XD Evil CEO or count or something. XP
Anyway, he played the song and he knew the music, so at certain points he'd do something funny like twitch his cheek muscles or flex his fingers which emphasized the whole evil theme going on. (At one point, I was like, Woah, how'd he get that blood-drip effect?? down his wrist, but it turns out one of his glowsticks broke and was leaking. XDD! We threw them in his garbage can, and he later made a point of coming back out after he went to bed to inform me that it was glowing. XD) It was really funny, and neither of us could stop laughing. I'd try to swallow my laugh, and he'd get this serious look on his face, and that just made me laugh even harder, which would make him laugh... (Yeah, it was a little bit weird, he likes to pretend he's so evil and all that, when really he's such a sweetie. I don't know how we got there, but it was kind of awesome.)
And then I went to my friend's room next door, and took out my laptop to show off (XD It's my baby) and was talking with people, but he had gone and brought his and showed me some awesome music videos, and we watched and talked in the doorframe of his sister's room, and eventually we all moved to the kitchen so everyone could see the computer, watched some more stuff, had nachos, and eventually everyone left except him, his sister, my other friend who's living there, and I, and we got talking and watching stuff and laughing, and at one point when we were sitting at the 'bar', on stools, we all had our feet on the radiators underneath, and the other friend living there put his feet up on the radiator, and I said 'Ahaha, no room for you!' and pushed them off, and then he leapt up and accused us of playing footsies, and the conversation that followed was EXTREMELY awkward. And it wasn't just one awkward conversation, there were several. And not the kind of awkward you'd imagine-- like, talking about knocking up and stuff. D: And I mean, by that time I'd already figured out that I kinda liked him, but I don't know how he feels! Ugh. That's always the worst part. I mean, all night he was showing me stuff on the computer, and talking to me and telling me stuff to make me laugh, just trying to get my attention, and looking at me, but who knows, maybe I'm biased? I always read far too into stuff when I'm infatuated with a guy, but I dunno, all his actions seemed completely out of character for him. He's such a sweetheart, I would definitely go out with him if he asked me, but I dunno if he would. And... I don't want to get hurt again.
And when I think about it too hard, I think; why would he like me? Why would he want to go out with me? I have nothing to offer. I'm... well, I think I'm pretty, my face at least. But I'm not thin. I'm not confident about my body. I'm barely confident as a person. But none of that matters at the moment.
Anyway... so I have pros and cons.
Pros: -I feel like we really clicked. We have tons in common, and he's a lot of fun to be with.
-He's kinda gorgeous. In the tall, gangly sort of attractiveness. Understated, not fussy. With a fantastic smile, even if he doesn't always let it show.
-He's brilliant, and fascinated by the same stuff I am. I really want to get to know him better, but I don't know how...
Cons: -he's one of my best friends' brother. I don't think she'd approve. At all.
-I don't have his phone number or email or anything. And it's not like I can ask his sister for it... see point above.
-I won't get to see him very often, I don't live nearby anymore and I'm so swamped with university work it's ridiculous.
-He's younger than me by a year or two. He's still in high school.
-Going along with the 'I won't get to see him very often', there comes the 'I'm afraid he'll give up on me and move on if I don't do something' bit.
-I don't know what's going on in that tall lovely head of his. Is he interested? I wish I knew!!
I'm actually seriously considering asking his sister or their house-mate what they think about this, if they know how he feels about me... but it's so embarrassing. I'm not like, ashamed to like him, I think we are fabulous together, but I'm shy when it comes to these things, I'm afraid of what they'll say. I don't want to be wrong... but I can't focus on anything... And I haven't felt this... this thrill, this excitement, this aching, longing, floating on air feeling, this warm prickly edge in my heart in a long time. I haven't felt much of anything at all lately.
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Posted: Tue Nov 30, 2010 11:00 pm
Why, yes, I am a geek. And yes, I am obsessed. Thank you for noticing (:
University is slowly squeezing the desire to live out of me. I'd never kill myself, but some days... some days I'd love nothing more than to just... not exist. At least for like, an hour.
Some days make me want to just ******** quit school.
I'm only a first year! Wtf.
But it'll be worth it in the end. I have to keep telling myself that.
And if I can't stay in school for me, I have to for my mom. She'd literally behead me if I quit. She's been talking to me about university and how I have to get a bachelor's since before I even started regular school.
Because that was her mistake. That's where she messed up-- second year, having me. Though I don't think she has to worry about me making the same mistake-- for a) I've yet to even have my first kiss, let alone anything else, and I'm almost goddamn nineteen, b) who would love me enough to be in a relationship with me anyway? I'd only have sex with someone if I was in a relationship with them, until I feel ready and comfortable with them. And since there's no chance of any relationships ever, I guess that's out. So that pretty much rules out ever having even the slightest chance of me making the same mistake.
And yeah, you can see I'm not really feeling good about myself as of late.
University is really lonely. I see people that I'm friends with only one class a day. Mondays and Thursdays, it's Chemistry, TWF, it's Psychology. (Why does it matter? Term's over Friday, then exams, then start again. And then I'll only have Psych with somebody I know-- and I am miserable at making friends. Why am I so socially awkwardddd?)
And yeah. I get to see my high school friends every few months. This Christmas I'm going to try and make a point of seeing everyone I possibly can. I miss them all terribly.
Still don't know what to do about Mr. Aforementioned. I thought I was going to get to see him last weekend, since the room-mate's birthday was last weekend and the sister invited me over then didn't say anything else about it again... so I didn't end up going.
I bought all my Christmas presents. I got him one... no big deal, just a gift card to a book store and a chocolate bar. Everybody got a chocolate bar. I got the sister a cool wall decoration (hard to describe) it's like an antiqued picture of Big Ben, but it's done on some wood planks, it's cool :3 And a chocolate bar. I got the roommate and his boyfriend both books, and chocolate, lol. And I got the sister/ Mr. Aforementioned's mom a nice box of chocolates-- I didn't want her to feel left out since everyone else in her house is getting something n.n;;
Sigh. Exams, exams, exams.
Then nothingnothingnothing, then BAM second term is ready for your soul.
Ick.
I really didn't have a point in writing this.
I was going to talk about my Half-Life 2 addiction and how I finally got around to beating Half-Life 2: Episode 2 and how sad I am and how I feel like my life is over just a little bit, but then I decided against it, lest more people be convinced that I am a complete psychopath.
That game should not be able to make me giggle.
I shouldn't get so much satisfaction out of smacking a headcrab into submission with a crowbar or mowing down a platoon of Combine soldiers with their own AR2 pulse rifle or a well-placed grenade (those are the most fun-- bodies fly! :'D)
The headcrab zombies are less fun, only 'cause they scare the s**t out of me and like to jump out of homgfreakingnowhere and claw my face off.
But still. It /is/ rather satisfying to just blow one away with a well-aimed shell from my boomstick :'D
And antlions are just irritating. Giant effing bugs. Yuck.
...until you get the pheropod and they work for YOU. XD Then it's fun.
I guess my only option now is to re-play the game, maybe try it on medium difficulty this time. xD
...Most of all, though, I shouldn't be so attracted to a rogue theoretical physicist swinging a crowbar. I mean, you don't even see him in the game...
But damn, he's attractive. Those eyes. Holy.
And even the HEV suit is kind of irresistible.
I kind of would like a physicist of my own.
Is it a bad thing that that sort of science-- lololol, the science that I can't learn to save myself, too much dense math-- kinda gets me hot? I mean... if a lover were to lean in close to my ear and start explaining black holes and neutron stars, or nuclear fission or particle accelerators or quantum mechanics to me, I'd be so down for that.
That would be awesome.
Wow, I'm a complete nerd. :/
...And I did end up talking HL2. XD
That Strider/ Hunter battle at the end of Episode 2 was bloody intense.
And oh so bloody. I died many a time.
I just had to be real crafty, and really good at managing my car. XD It's most effective to run down the Hunters with your car when you're in turbo, but they will get out of the way, so you have to be really good. XP Most of the time it's an auto-kill if you ram them doing turbo, but sometimes you only clip them so you have to track the sneaky bastards down again and then ram them. XD
And then the Striders you have to hit with a sticky-bomb, then shoot the sticky bomb so they'll explode. I'm a really bad shot. XD
But I DID IT AND I WAS EXCITED.
And then the end of the game... ohhh boy, I cried a little bit.
It was so sad :'(
Even more so because Valve's been working on (I'm assumingggg...) Episode 3 for three years now, and they've already set back Portal 2, so I have doubts that HL2E3 will be announced anytime soon. They SAID they have three big announcements this year, but one was DotA2, so that was a waste.
ANYWAY I really need to get to bed.
No doubt my dreams will be filled with epic battles and a certain orange-HEV-suit-clad man with a crowbar.
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