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 Posted: Tue Jan 26, 2010 5:46 am
 “You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.” BeforeI found it hard to sleep tonight and rather then tossing and turning endessly I have turned to you journal to cure my insomnia. The moon is full tonight, hanging heavy in the night sky and somewhere in the distence a horse is calling out, perhaps he misses a friend or perhaps he has been left out - or left in - it's hard to say really, but his endless calls keeps bringing up memories from my childhood, memories from before Jaradin college. Memories that are not what I would call bad - but have a tendencay to bring with them thier own type of pain, and certainly they rob me of my ability to sleep. Someone once advised me to write such thoughts down hen they occured, to release them from my mind and trap them upon the papers of my journal. Honstly I don't hold much stock in this theory - but I don't have much to loose now do I? So here we go...
Life was good when I was a child, hard - but good. My parents names were Ree and Saviin Sun and while we weren't rich none of us really wanted for anything. There was always food to eat and clothes to wear even if said clothes might not be this years fashion or even brand new, mother was a decent hand with a needle and thread and they always fit and kept you warm. It was good enough for me - I was never the type to sit and swoon at the noble ladies and thier finery like some of my riends were - No I was quite happy in my farm girl attire. How could you clean stalls or ride through the hills in fancy dresses? It would have been highly impractical and the lives led by nobles didn't seem to be a good trade off. Or at least not one I was willig to make, no I'd keep my work and horses and simple living thank you very much.
Every day started out pretty much the same back then, we'd wake up when the sun was barely peeking out over the horizan and it was straight off tothe stable for me and father. An hour or so making the rounds and feeding the animal and it was back to the house where mother always had breakfest waiting, a quick mean and it was back out to the barn for cleaning and exersising the animals before lunch. After lunch there were a few hours of freetime - well for me at least and I ussually ran off to spend some time with the kids from the neighboring farms before heading back for evening chores and supper. All in all I thought it was a pretty good life, and even though it might seem a bit repetative to some people I liked it, and I looked foreward to taking the farm over when my prents grew to old to keep running it.
Of course that dream has flown out the window now.
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Posted: Tue Jan 26, 2010 7:22 am
 “The deepest definition of youth is life as yet untouched by tragedy”During The morning of what I've come to refer to as just 'That Day' started out the same as every other day in my young life so far. Aside from the tingle of excitement every child feels on the eve of Christmas every thing was the same. The chores were the same, the weather was the same for the season and the hours passed at a normal pace just like every other day. How could I have known that normal as I knew it would never be the same again...
Going to bed that night after supper, I remember having a hard time falling asleep - though I can't remember now just what it was that had kept me awake - Most likely the typical childhood pondering of Christmas. Would I receive a present? What would it be. It all seems so trivial now, years later.
I do remember that it seemed liked only moments after drifting off that I was awake again, the room filled with the acid tang and choking presence of smoke. Heat radiated from the far side of the house and I remember fumbling and calling out for the rest of my family in the darkness, darkness tinged with flickering red and the hazy fog of smoke. I remember the silence in the house and the realization of my family's demise when I made it outside, I recall with almost crystal clarity the screaming of the horses as the stable caught fire, how helpless and afraid and alone I was.
I suppose it made some sort of sense in my childlike mind to blame him - Father Christmas. Now I know better of course...but at the time it made sense and even if he wasn't the cause I can hardly be blamed for finding the season and the memories it brings back disagreeable, even now.
But back to that night - I remember the moment he made himself known, that flickering tendril of warmth and comfort, whispering soothing thoughts and words to my childlike mind. Your not alone he told me..you'll never be alone anymore. My Daemon. My savior.
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Posted: Tue Jan 26, 2010 7:26 am
 “The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.”AfterThe first few days after the fire were somewhat of a blur, it was like walking in a dreamland, my eyes saw and my ears heard, my fingers touched but my mind refused to process it as reality. I don't think I would have functioned at all if it wasn't for that swirling spark within reminding me that I wasn't alone.Would never be alone again - despite the events that had occurred. I was thankful for the voice and its support, but it still felt..still feels like i lost everything that day. Maybe someday I'll be able to concentrate on what I gained more then what I lost...but it is not that day yet.
But back to the memories, I recall the funeral but I don't think I could tell you what was said - which I regret now, perhaps someday I will ravel back there so that I can say my own good-byes. There was no funeral for the horses...and I wasn't present during the clean up, something about it being a traumatic experience. Like I hadn't already experienced one of those anyways. If I had been in a better state of mind I might have argued that but I hadn't been and so i didn't get to say good-bye to them either. The might have just been animals but they were also my good friends.
After the clean-up and funerals it was time to decide what to do with me, by now they knew about the emergence of my Daemon - not surprising they said considering what I had gone through. As I had no family nearby or elsewhere willing or capable of taking care of me i was sent to the collage. They said it was for my best interest and maybe it was, life here isn't bad - but it's not home either. Not yet.
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Posted: Tue Jan 26, 2010 7:33 am
 “Discussion is an exchange of knowledge; argument is an exchange of ignorance”
Within Your Wavering Form... It was a quiet afternoon so far, spring had thankfully made it's appearence and Sagara could beath a sigh of relief. Winter was over - there would be no more snow falls, no more faling flakes or decorations or excited discussion that would remind her of christmas. For that she was thankful as it left time for other thoughts.
She had of course noticd the forms Kail seemed to prefer taking though he blitzed from one to the other seemingly at a whim, she hadn't given it much thought however - her mind had been far to occupied with other things. Far less productive things. But that would change now she told herself and spinning away from the window she'd been looking out of she regarded Kail with a slight tip of her head.
After only a few moments Kail's flickering form seemed to notice her scrutiny and paused in his pursual of the corner of her bedspread. At the moment he seemed to be exuing a feline like image and tapping her chin she pulled out one of the books on her shelf. Curious Kail stopped with his fiddling and came over to peer at the book as well.
"Oh! Are we going to try and figure out what I am?" Kail asked in a cheerful sounding voice, as though he has been waiting patiently for her to do this for quite some time now - and maybe he had been. Sagara felt a bit guilty for not doing so earlier. "Don't feel badly" Kail encouraged blinking one shimmery feline eye at her "I knew you'd figure it out when you were ready"
"Your always so patient" Sagara remarked as she paged through the book."Yes well there's no point in rushing you along" Kail remarked his voice tinge with what she could only assume was amusement. "Now what do you mean by that?" Sagara demanded as she paused at a picture of a large tawny looking cat, but Kail decided to remain silent at this point and Sagara returned her attention to the book.
"That looks rather familiar" She remarked holding the book up beside Kail as though comparing his shimmery form to the one depiced in the book. Kail...a rather mischevious look in his eye flickered into a differant type of cat. "Kail!" Sagara remarked..I think that was the right cat. "Well if you think it was right then you don't need to see it anymore now do you time to figureo ut the next one!"
"Now your rushing me...let me read about this one first" She told him with a sigh, as he had a little - well it couldn't really be consiered anything else but a giggle - about his trick. Sagara cast a look at the Daemling and started to read about the tawny cats. After a few moments Kail settled down and asked "Well..whats does it say?"
"It says thy're called Mountain Lions, and they're very patient observant cats and live most of thier lives by themselves, seems they like to know the entire situation befoe leaping in" She stated, pondering that for a few moments. "Well I'm not sure I necessarily like that veiled truth, but I can't deny it sounds...familiar" She told the shimmery daemling. Kail regarded her with large sweet eyes and nodded "Sometimes we don't like the truth" He told her "But we have to face it if we want to move on"
"I suppose your right" She told him "But that dosen't mean I have to like it. 'Let move on to the next one" She told him studying the second feline form he'd shifted into as part of his ealier joke. "Alright!" He stated - clearly happ to have the more unplesant thoughts behind them regardless of how he thought such thing were good for Sagara."Well it's obviously a cat of some sort" Sagara remarked "And thankfully we're already in that section of the book" She added in a please tone - as though the lack of wasted time wa something worth celebrating.
The two fell silent as Sagara flipped through the book Kale occasionally making comment about a few of the pictures until Sagara shushed him with her need to concentrate. After a time she ran across a tuffed eared cat that looked very close...and thi time when she looked between the book and Kale to compare he didn't shift out on her into somethin else. "Yep I think this is it" She told him after careful scrutiny "It's got the same spotted coat and tuffed ears and short tail" She pointed out to which Kale had to agree "It says here they're called Bobcats, and they're very playful and adaptive, able to change and fit almost any hunting situation." Well that was somewhat confuseing - Sagara didn't think herself all that adaptive right now, and sure she liked a game every now an then but only with people she knew really well which granted there weren't many of right now."I don't really see how this fits..unless well apparantly there legends about them which are supposed to teach us to be more flexible and playful in life..." Sagara sighed slightly "I'd like to be more like that..." She told Kale "But I don't really think it suits me right now"
"Well" He responded after a few moment "Perhaps that is a clue right there, it does fit you...just maybe not in your present mindet." He offered vaguely. Sagara nodded slightly, that made a bit more sense when she thoughto fi t that way. Perhaps the bobcat represented what she wanted to be more then what she was.
"Aright - well I recall the oher two forms pretty well, one was a dog and one was a deer of some sort" he told Kail to change the subject and his shimmery form nodded slight encouragement as she checked the index and flipped to the canine section of the book. "It's too small to be a wolf" She remarked after only a few seconds "And to big to be a fox" she added befoe slipping the page. "No spots so it wasn't a wild Dog, and the ears weren't rounded either" She cntinued to flip through pages until at long last an image stood out to her, since Kale wasn't currently exuding this form there was nothing to compare it to...but Sagara was pretty sure this was the right one.
"A coyote!" She exclaimed, rather pleased with herself for finding the proper animal. "What does it say about them?" Kale asked as he peered closer at the picture."It says they tend to keep very close knit company...and are often considered the tricksters of the animals world" She told the daemling, having to shift the book slightly so she could see it better under his curious inspections "Oh, well that could be you! You like to play tricks" He told her in an excited tone. "I did" sagara reminded him - she hadn't played many tricks lately, graned she didn't have many friends here to play tricks on quite yet."It suits me" She agreed "I just don't think it suits me the most right now" She told him.
"Well think on the last form, have any ideas?" He asked her eagar to chance the subject before she reflected to badly on things and stopped. "Well I knows its a deer" She remarked consulting the index for the last time "But I don't know what kind - I don' know much about deer" she admitted, but really who studied deer? Hunters she supposed and that wasn't for a very appealing reason.
It took quite a bit of time for Sagara to find this last creature - in fact she nearly gave up a time or two and probably would have if it hadn't been for Kale's continued encouragment.But at long last she found herself looking at a deer that fit her memory of the form. It wasn't a very large deer as far as deer went bu it had a pretty impressive rack of antlers. "Whats it called?" Kale asked in his typical curious fashion. "Fallow Deer" Sagara responded after a few moments. "It says they are often related to the arts and are seen as quite beautiful and graceful, but are also skittish and not very trusting. But...once you gain thier trust you are rewarded with loyalty and kindness" She conntinued and Kale tipped his head slightly in thought.
Finally breaking the silence Sagara sighed "Okay well I don't thnk I'm all that beautiful.." She told Kale who looked on the verge of correcting her when she halted him before he got the chance "But I can see how the loyalty thing applies, loyalty is very important - and I like to think I'm kind..." She hedged and Kale nodded in agreement while Sagara fell silent in contemplation. 'It's a start" Kale finally stated and Sagara smiled at him before giving a slight nod. "A start" She agreed..which to her way of thinking was better then nothing.
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Posted: Thu Jun 10, 2010 10:36 am
] Influence :A flowing in or upon; influx.
The Animals that I see  CoyoteThrough researching the Coyote, I have found that it is often considered the trickster of the animal world. It is a part of many legends where it teaches those around it to always take the time to laugh regardless of the direction life takes, but to also be mindful of the consequences our jokes might have both for ourselves and others.
A much as they are considered the tricksters however, they are also seen by some early nations as the harbinger of death - which seems fitting considering my past. Almost contrary to this however coyotes are believes in some native legends to have brought the seeds of life into the world during creation - and so also represent a fresh start. a new beginning. Ironic and suiting is it not?
Coyotes in their natural environment have been seen traveling in large packs but are more often seen in the presence of only a few close companions, a pack of close knit family members or a pair are most common. i find this..quite similar to the way I generally live my life.  Fallow Deer In my research of the deer I have found that they are often related to the arts, they are seen as beautiful and graceful in their movements and wise and savvy in their wood craft. They are watchful but less so because they desire to know but due to an inborn nervous nature that makes them skittish, they have a hard time relaxing and trusting those around them.
So while they are indeed beautiful and kind they have their faults, just like me. Despite their skittish natures deer have been known to fight to defend themselves, their young and their companions when cornered - they prefer to flee and avoid but will fight if necessary, which sounds pretty familiar.
legends also say however that once you gain the trust of a deer you will be rewarded with loyalty and kindness - I like to think that about myself, that i am kind to my friends. Mountain Lion While researching the Mountain Lion aspect of my Daemon I have come to learn that mountain lions are very patient and observant creatures, they can spend hours just watching - waiting for the perfect moment. I have often been told I unnerve people with my watchfulness, though that is not my intention, I merely like to know a situation before I get involved.
Mountain lions are also protective beasts, sometimes lashing out quickly and in haste when they feel their young or home are threatened. After learning that it is not surprising that it shows up in my daemon - I have often been told I hold on to my friends and protect them far to fiercely. Maybe I do.
Like most of the animal in my totem these are solitary cats, spending most of their lives alone, or in the company of their young. It sounds like they spend much of their time watching lives go by...but never taking part themselves, almost like they live on the fringe of society. I can relate.
 Bobcat While researching the Bobcat I have found that they are also very patient creatures, but tend to be more playful and adaptive then the mountain lion. Bobcats because they are smaller have to incorporate tactics and stealth into their attacks in a manner that Mountain Lions don't always have to do.
According to legend the Bobcat is supposed to teach us that in order for us to get what we want, we must be willing to plan, adapt, and above all, have the patience to see our ideals manifest,to be more playful in our lives and more flexible. As they are very opportunistic themselves, the Bobcat asks us to reach out for more opportunities, break out of our molds & routines.
While I do see some of these aspects in myself I also think that this manifestation of my Daemon represents what I would like to be - the parts of me I want to bring to the forefront in the future.
Conclusion After much thought and consideration on the forms my Daemon seems to display I think right now the Mountain Lion suits me best, its solitary watchful nature seems to suit me in was some of the others don't, even if I don't always like admitting it to myself it is something I must come to terms with and be truthful about.
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