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 Posted: Fri Apr 23, 2010 6:58 am
 All of her hobbies are solo activities, which makes me think Phil is either a hermit or going to have a terrible time trying to find RP with others. The hobbies are meant to give people ways to interact with your character. Is there nothing she does socially or with others? She's coming off as very insular and unapproachable. I also believe that Coda has warned against trying for a Cav slot with a character who won't follow rules or work in a team? So you may want to reconsider her anti-social, work-alone behaviour just a bit. Or add something about how she is socially into flaws and virtues - they all seem to revolve around how Phil works (or works best) on her own. It's all well and good to say that becoming a Cavalier will change that. But why would the judges pick this character over one who is more readily able to work as part of such a close-knit team as the Cavs? There's a lot I like about the character, don't get me wrong. But it just seems better suited to a senshi or Nega who is more free to act on their own, as opposed to the Cavaliers.
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Posted: Fri Apr 23, 2010 3:55 pm
If it wouldn't be too much trouble, I'd like to know where you got the impression that she's anti-social. She isn't social, it's true, but she does not reject social interaction. That's a pretty important part of her character, actually. A couple of her flaws only make sense in light of Philomel's general non-confrontist attitude, so it's kind of a major thing I need to fix if you got a different impression from something here. I'd also like to know where you got "won't follow rules or work in a team." She doesn't like working in a team very much, yes, just like she doesn't have any group activities she really enjoys doing, but she would definitely not refuse to work in a team.
Sorry I'm asking for clarification, here, but it'd really help to know where you got those particular impressions. This goes for any passerbys, too, even though this comment is a response to one particular person. Thanks!
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Posted: Fri Apr 23, 2010 4:05 pm
From what I read in her traits, it seems like it's implied that she's anti-social? Like, you emphasize that she prefers to be alone, so readers assume that she usually is alone and avoids interaction whenever possible/talks as little as needed?
Your description of Poor Team Player also seems to give off the impression that she would refuse to work in a group mainly because it's so much easier for her to work alone.
S'what I think, anyways.
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Posted: Fri Apr 23, 2010 5:55 pm
Agreeing with Kalindara and Syusaki here on the rest. You can still make these hobbies social though. It's just that as they are written right now, they do not read to me as things Philomel could or would do with anyone else. Putting Things In Boxes - She likes to organize her own things, but what happens when she sees her friend's locker, backpack, or room is a complete mess? Or even a fellow student from class? Does she like to clean? Does she want to tutor freshman students on how to stay organized in school, as a student volunteer in a high school club? Shakespeare - This is similar to the reading hobby. All I can see is that she owns Shakespeare copies. Besides reading Shakespeare in private, does she like to read it aloud? Act it out? This could lead into an interest in attending, acting in, or being crew in a drama production. Schools sometimes have drama clubs, she might try to promote Shakespeare to her fellow students at one. She can also hold study parties for English classes, or attend them. RPG Video Games - Sounds like she only plays solo games, rather than multi-player, and also that she plays them alone at home. Does she buy game merchandise, game guides? Does she draw characters, write fanfiction, try to invent her own RPG? Has playing video games led her into other more social avenues such as multiplayer games, MMORPGs like WoW, or tabletop gaming? What happens when someone talks about video games she's familiar with - will she be more willing to discuss it with them or more liable to argue if someone doesn't share her love of these games? Reading - Not something she can do in a group. Does she join or run a book club to discuss the books she reads? I also think you should work into Philomel's profile the information you're able to give in response to critiques here, like the information you gave in your previous post here. From her virtues and flaws, you mention several times that she DOES reject social interaction. She tries to get out of social situations as fast as she can, avoids confrontation, and prefers to do all activities by herself. Here are some specific places that gave me the antisocial impression, since you asked: Quote: Slow and Steady Wins the Race -- Philomel approaches tasks slowly and methodically, taking her time to enjoy working and the moment in general. She doesn't appear to be working very hard most of the time, so it's very easy for most people to take her less than seriously. Philomel doesn't mind, though. She's not looking for approval from most people. She just wants to be left in peace to do whatever she's doing. Not looking for approval from her peers, however, does not mean she is free to speak her mind-- angering people is kind of not what she's about. Quote: Don't Argue With the Mugger -- Philomel wants people who interrupt her happy working time to shut up and let her return to doing what makes her happiest. In her daily life, Philomel avoids arguments and displays of anger, keeping up social appearances just enough to be a complete social non-entity, but she can't avoid confrontations entirely. Since nodding and agreeing is often the fastest way to shut someone up, Philomel tends to employ this technique frequently. Getting into an argument ruins Philomel's sense of inner calm and prolongs the interruption, so she tends to go to great lengths to appease people who are bothering her. Philomel will agree with a lot of things she would be otherwise unwilling to agree to if she's under enough stress, and she's responsible enough that she can be trusted to stick to her word when she gives it. She's not totally unable to break her word, but doing so undermines her self-confidence and self-respect, so she doesn't make a habit of it. Quote: Poor Team Player -- Philomel does things her own way, and she's rather unwilling to do them any other way. She has built her life to avoid situations that frustrate her as much as possible, but it is simply impossible to avoid such situations entirely. When Philomel does end up in a frustrating situation, she won't yell. She won't assert herself or her ideas, either. It's not her style to snap in that way, and just agreeing to what others suggest to get the uncomfortable stuff over with tends to result in sacrificing most of the work to her partner. And given the choice between giving up everything and taking on huge amounts of work, Philomel would greatly prefer the latter. She can take her time if she's alone.
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Posted: Fri Apr 23, 2010 6:19 pm
That's the kind of thing I was looking for. Thank you, both of you.
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Posted: Fri Apr 30, 2010 2:34 pm
Bumping for crit or something while I remember and am at the computer. I'm pretty pleased with the stuff I've done, but I cannot read my stuff like somebody else's stuff and I don't know.
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Posted: Wed May 19, 2010 6:12 pm
What I suggest with 'running errands' is that you put it into a school context whereupon it'll be easier for Philomel to meet other people. Amnesty International, letter-writing? There's got to be some kind of charity club or society that organises soup kitchen work, work at the local old folks' home -- that way you can immediately get connections whereupon all of the resthome grandparents wish their grandchild was a little more like Phil Selyck. Beautification? Fence-painting, graffiti coverup? Could be she's part of the Teen Helpline, Sidra Winters' old pet project?
The difficulty with the hobbies that you have now is that they're still very solitary, though I like them -- and although Philomel's a slightly stodgy hard worker, she IS social. She has the rep of Oh Phil Will Do It! Philomel Is Good At Doing That! Good Old Philomel All Right Let's All Go Out For Pizza. I can't see her not being part of a dozen clubs that need the stodgy hard worker to survive. Especially if they let her work at her own pace. Do something that has more possibility of her running into other people, while keeping the others that characterise her.
I also think that you need to give her another virtue: Philomel's the duty-bound, cautious, insecure-of-her-pace work-not-product life's gopher, but what does she want out of life? What does she want to be? What's her insecurity? She's slow and stodgy and is the Slow And Stodgy Girl. Sarah Plain And Tall. I love how she does EVERYTHING POSSIBLE in an RPG and gets every item and does every sidequest and gets everyone up to level a million, but does she want more out of this life or has she retreated into the desire to be everyone's errand girl?
She wants people to trust her, not like her. That's interesting. Has she given up on like and is now maximising what she thinks is her main virtue, responsibility? How does she really feel about being life's most unexciting person? I just want to see something she really does for herself and betrays the flicker behind the facade of Invisible Girl.
This is really solid otherwise, I just think we need to pepper the ragout. smile
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Posted: Sat May 22, 2010 10:07 am
Thank you very much! It was very helpful.
I've done some edits. I'm not sure how well they answer the things you asked, but they hopefully don't completely miss the mark.
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Posted: Tue May 25, 2010 8:56 pm
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Posted: Wed May 26, 2010 8:03 pm
 Just squaring this off <3
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