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[Q] Sailor Pasiphae, Senshi of Shame [Crits/Stamp please?] Goto Page: [] [<] 1 2

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cibarium

Noob

PostPosted: Sun Apr 10, 2011 7:10 pm


I think the sensation of shame on the attacker should wait for her Super attack, since you already have plenty going on for the starter version. Can shielded individuals attack other characters, or would the shield restrict them? If you want to have complete invulnerability for the attack duration I'd suggest that as a drawback. c:

I'm also having some trouble following how her Eternal attack fits her sphere, could you explain?
PostPosted: Wed Apr 13, 2011 8:40 pm


Mouse Pachinkorelli
I think the sensation of shame on the attacker should wait for her Super attack, since you already have plenty going on for the starter version. Can shielded individuals attack other characters, or would the shield restrict them? If you want to have complete invulnerability for the attack duration I'd suggest that as a drawback. c:

I'm also having some trouble following how her Eternal attack fits her sphere, could you explain?


Thanks for your crit, Mouse!

I shall save the shame sensation for the Super attack, per your suggestion. 3nodding I had actually imagined that the shielded individuals would be restricted by the shield but... apparently forgot to put that in. Oops. Going to fix that now.

I based the Mark of Shame attack on the badge of shame, which has been used in various time periods to isolate and publically shame a particular person/group for some reason. This can be anything ranging from the Scarlet Letter for Adultery to the more metaphorical (and Biblical) Mark of Cain. It was just another shame iconography to pull in--I wanted to have at least one offensive attack, but I tried to keep the "shame" aspect in how it also harms Penelope, who is forced to "wear" it, so to speak.

Quicksilver the Archangel

Beloved Seraph


Akina Tokuwa

PostPosted: Wed Apr 13, 2011 10:32 pm


Hello, hello! Congratulations on getting Sailor Pasiphae -- and welcome to the Moonshop World. I have reviewed your quest for stamping and have a few quick things you might want to revisit before I approve this.

FOR THE CIVILIAN SIDE:

For her 'observant' virtue, is this something that only applies to people? The two examples you mention deal with her picking up on changes in those she interacting with, not -- say -- her ability to notice that a bookshelf has been rearranged or that the silverware has been folded differently. It might help you flesh this out to call it 'People Reader' or something in this vein, and then just explain how she has always been good at picking up on changes in people, as opposed to being generally observant.

In 'humble,' you are clear to say that she "never reach[es] the point of meekness." It seems like you are trying to point out that she is NOT meek, even if she is humble. Do you mean to suggest that she sticks to her guns on what she believes in, stemming out of her love of debate/building arguments? Is she a principled person with a distinct sense of right and wrong? That might be a fourth virtue that you could add to flesh out this section more, since I feel it has a bit less detail than her flaws.

In the flaws section, I really enjoy her INSECURE trait.

Please go back to the EAGER TO PLEASE trait and make sure you illustrate how this is a flaw for Penelope. The way it is worded currently makes it sound like this could potentially be a good thing. Does she do what others want at the expense of herself? Would she do things she doesn't agree with just to win approval? Is she the kind of girl who just says yes to everything and then finds herself in sticky situation because of it? I think you need a few sentences in there that are very clear about how negatively her life is affected by this rampant need to please everyone.

JUDGMENTAL has a similar problem. You frame it like it is a bad thing, but you only describe how it helps her pick sides easily and support her arguments. You may want to focus instead on how her judgmental nature turns people off to her. Do people avoid coming to her for advice because they know she will just judge them for whatever they have to say? Does she give condescending looks that make people feel she is judging them? I would go a little bit more in depth on how this hurts Penelope's day-to-day life.

FOR THE SENSHI SIDE:

I like that she has a shielding attack, but her eternal attack does not match up with the previous two. You have a shield for her that goes to a shield for someone else that becomes an offensive attack from her forehead with no clear relation back to her sphere (though I did read your explanation about a 'mark of shame' above).

If you aren't sure about the shielding, perhaps, instead of shielding herself, she casts a 'cone of shame' on an enemy, encasing THEM in a bubble. While inside the bubble, they are overcome with a feeling of self-doubt, shame, and unease as well as being left vulnerable to attack. It can be possible for them to break out of the bubble, but it would give her enough time to escape or perhaps set up another attack. This is just a tangential thought!

BUT -- if you decide to keep the self-shielding route, I would stick with it into eternal. Perhaps her shield can now encase herself and 3-5 other people for 45-60 seconds. The shield cannot be moved, as before (which is a great flaw to it), but it gives the people inside enough time to maybe rest, get some first aid, or regroup for an attack. To tie shame into it, you could have any attacks on the shield result in making the attacker feel utterly ashamed of what they were doing, causing them to hold off on attacking for 10 seconds, or to be conflicted over what they are doing, similar to what you have in place for her super attack.

In summary, in order to nab your stamp, please revisit her virtues and make sure to add a bit more detail to help give us a clearer understanding of Penelope. For flaws, make sure you are very clear about how this NEGATIVELY affect her. And for her powers, make sure that they follow each other chronologically, build on one another, and fit with her sphere too.

You have a great start here! Once you have tweaked your quest, please shoot me a PM, and I will swing back in to look it over again and see if I can get you that stamp-ticket to start RPing. If you have any questions, let me know. Good luck!

One tiny note: there is already a character in play named Penelope. We advise people not to double up on first names for the sake of avoiding confusion. I actually play the other Penny in the shop, OH HI -- but! This is totally your choice. You can keep her as Penelope or rename her. I just wanted to let you know that there is another Penny currently played in Moonshop. This has no bearing on the stamping of your quest. surprised
PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2011 7:55 am


Thanks for your thorough critique, Akina--you certainly raise SEVERAL things I'm going to have to think about and clarify.

The only thing I can comment on immediately is that I think I will leave Penelope with her current name - I've just called her Penelope so long in my head that I don't think any other name would really stick to her. xD; (Although, now I have this MIGHTY NEED for the two Penelopes to meet and be weirded out - I know that happens to me IRL, even though I have a common first name).

Thanks to both you and Mouse again for all your help -- I know Penelope's far from perfect, and I really appreciate ya'll helping me flesh her out better. 3nodding

Quicksilver the Archangel

Beloved Seraph


Akina Tokuwa

PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2011 8:02 am


Quicksilver the Archangel
Thanks for your thorough critique, Akina--you certainly raise SEVERAL things I'm going to have to think about and clarify.

The only thing I can comment on immediately is that I think I will leave Penelope with her current name - I've just called her Penelope so long in my head that I don't think any other name would really stick to her. xD; (Although, now I have this MIGHTY NEED for the two Penelopes to meet and be weirded out - I know that happens to me IRL, even though I have a common first name).

Thanks to both you and Mouse again for all your help -- I know Penelope's far from perfect, and I really appreciate ya'll helping me flesh her out better. 3nodding


I totally understand sticking with a name! I would have probably done the same thing in your shoes. They can totally meet. 8D

I write super long critiques so if I am ever confusing PLEASE let me know. Penelope is really in good shape. I just wanted to give you some food for thought for honing her in on that next level. ^_^
PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2011 6:29 pm


Okay, several changes have been made in keeping with the most recent critique. Phew!

Quicksilver the Archangel

Beloved Seraph


Akina Tokuwa

PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2011 9:45 pm


User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. Click to show.

The beginning of EAGER TO PLEASE is really a virtuous sounding trait, but you highlight the flaw aspects toward the end. I'm still comfortable stamping it! Welcome to the RP community~
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