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 Posted: Sat Oct 03, 2009 12:30 pm
-squeegles and snugs- Best Crit Evaaa!
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Posted: Sat Oct 03, 2009 1:58 pm
lol I'm not good at crits so I'll just mainly nitpick about grammatical stuff, probably. xD;;
Roan: You've got some slight capitalization errors. owo If you also read closely, you can probably substitute some commas with semicolons. And cosines = cuisines? It's sort of odd that you mention reading in his hobby of cooking. xD;; I think it'd be better if you mentioned that as a separate hobby? And mystery's = mysteries?
Can ghosts be called demons? xD I think it'd be more apt to change "Demons" to "Supernatural". This is just me, but for areas of study I consider math and business similar-ish. xD We all use math in business, right? Or by math do you mean things like calculus and trigonometry and such and not just money and accounting?
I like his reason for being Hillworth! I think it's real interesting and just fits so well with his family background.
His virtues mesh well together, but it was hard to pick them out. Perhaps make it more obvious which virtue is which? ^^;; Same with flaws. His egotism contrasts with his mother-hen virtue, and I'm not sure if that's good or bad. xD;; An egotistic yet caring boy, eh?
I find it weird that his eye color seems to switch. Is this because of contacts?
Mmm. I love effeminate male characters. <3 xD
Poor Roan doesn't get enough attention from his parents. :< Unlike most people. xD Nice job on details in his background. owob
Ooooh~ His attacks are unique! Wish I had the creativity to come up with cool attacks. xD
Shin: . . . if he cares about what's wrong and what's right then isn't that morals? xD;; Iunno. Just say that he follows his own rules or something instead? owo I find that easier to understand.
Tall girls, huh? Sydney's tall, but she's skinny not big. -shotsohard-
Charred meat . . . sounds gross. xD Neat!
Shin has arachnophobia? There should be a reason for this. Like maybe he doesn't like their appearance or some traumatic memory.
Again, I love the reasoning for him going to that particular school. xD
I'm not sure which virtues you're elaborating about and they seem to be jumbled together. Neaten that out a bit?
His virtues and flaws come together really nicely and just make sense, if those are the right words. xD
Oh here's the reason for the spiders! Mention that a bit earlier, maybe?
Shin's background is also nice! Unique.
What funny attacks! xDDD
Tristan: You should probably put the tidbit in his hobbies. Sounds pretty hobby-like.
Perhaps you should elaborate on the hobbies listed? I've love to know more about them!
Tristan sounds like a real nice guy. Good virtues! He's got his bad sides too, though! xD I wouldn't mind clingy though. owo That'd be cute.
I'm not going into weapons because I fail at weapons. xD
Bastet: Egyptian. Neat. owo Don't see that too often. Aw~ She doesn't like sweet things? xD Sorta makes sense though, if she likes sour foods.
Her Down to earth virtue seems a bit out of place from the general view of her personality (from what I can tell anyways). Sydney is clumsy too! They can be clumsy partners together.
The bouts of depression seems to be a bit random and out there. There isn't much explanation on this family condition, too.
owo;;
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Posted: Sat Oct 03, 2009 3:29 pm
-snuggles- Thank you..bah I suck at grammar -dashes in to fix things- I should say that shin follows his 'own' moral code instead of the one society has laid out for people. -nods-
True about the demons part! He believes in the supernatural without being completely superstitious of things that seem silly to him.. Like he doesn't believe in leprechauns, or nessy, or yeti's
By math I mean more then just money and accounting..though they do pretty much fall into similar category's huh? Lawls, I suppose I ran out of 'fleshing out' words and sorta copied myself there.
-also goes to fix virtues and flaws- When I made this I was lazy and I just mashed it all together.>Bad shini bad! -shot- Hee hee..he's caring in the annoying way, kinda nit picking like your mom would be so it may not always be considered 'caring' by the person he's nagging.
Eh..eye color..-blinks-...ooooh...soooo sooo didn't notice that..-dies- What the heck color do I usually have for his eyes? Blue? Green..gah I forget. I tried to make roan more ethnically correct this time, and since he cant be Japanese I made him korean instead and decided his eyes should be dark if he's truly korean.
Ahh..I know his reason..because spiders have to many eyes and their legs are freaky and their too fast and aHHHH!! -doesn't like spiders herself- Did you know tarantulas move so weird because they have to pump blood individually into each leg to make it move? eeugugg..
-nods- Yeah I fail at making female chars, and I got stuck on bastet half way through..heck Im gonna cut out the down to earth thing all together and replace it. -as well as the depression- Or maybe I'll keep the depression and add the family thing to help make that make sense. -nods and runs to fix things-
THANK YOU SO MUCH SYUU! YOU RULEEE!
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Posted: Sat Oct 03, 2009 5:19 pm
xD There were also some other grammatical mistakes. owo Running it through Word will fix it all though! ^^
Ah. So not all supernatural? Then I think demons would suffice, then.
Oh~ I see. So he's a caring nagger? xD Nice.
Ew. EW EW EW EW. I so did not need to know that Shini. xD Tarantulas creep me out like hell.
Aw~ Just keep practicing and you'll get better at making them? xD I personally like playing female chars more, but I don't find much of a difference between playing male and female for some reason. xD
You've also got quite a bit of characters you're questing for. xD I think it'll be best to lower the number a bit. owo
Baaaaaaw. Not really, Shini. xD
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Posted: Sat Oct 03, 2009 10:47 pm
-giggles and pounces syu- Thankies! yes I must run it through word..darn you word darn you...hisss..
I know spiders are grosss right! Eughh..Really the main two characters I'm questing for are Roan and Shin (or else I'd have my Lt. And Female Senshi start out as school children also) So long as I get them I'll be happy and want for nothing else ever! -glees- But I figured since this shop is so huge, and theres so many chances for customs, I'd better keep my options open and well rounded. The school kid rps come every month I think..but what if theres a chance to win a senshi? Or a baddie? I must go for it! -flails- and maybe one of my ideas is good enough to catch someones eye and make them want to create it..-shrugs- So technically I'm only questing for two, and the rest are all me venting my creative overload due to lack of substantial rp to keep my muse happy..-sadness-
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Posted: Sat Oct 03, 2009 10:51 pm
xD I have a lot of characters I have yet to officially make/flesh out. Gotta start on my other stories as well! ^^;;
That's true~ owo But since I haven't decided on what side Sydney would choose, she can at least flip flop if those kinds of contests pop up. xD
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Posted: Sun Oct 04, 2009 4:24 pm
-pronks about- Thank you syu! Muahaha, now I'm finally done with my guardian cat char..and..wow I actually like shards a whole heck of a lot! -oggles him- Hes just...too cool. -at least in my overly biased eyes- Hmm..Maybe I'll quest roan and shards first, and others later on...
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Posted: Tue Oct 06, 2009 9:49 am
I suck at critqueing seriously, but I thought I should atleast give your stuff a read. ;D
Tristan is my favorite of your human characters (though I love roan's strategy hobbies and being the senshi of logic!), I think his flaws and virtues work rather well off each other. He seems like a really nice guy, so it'll be interesting to see him if/when he became a negabaddy.
Love Shard's profile too! XD Very cat like and put offish. That's so like cats to be like 'no I decide when I give you love >( '. My only suggestion is, that as cute as the short kimono is... I don't think it really fits with his personality. The second outfit choice is a much better fit in my opinion. He reminds me much more of a war veteren then a cutesy mage/priest (which is what kimonos always make me think of)
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Posted: Tue Oct 06, 2009 10:06 am
He's totally a grumpy old cat of a war veteran! -snickers- Ah well no cute girly outfit for you shards...which I imagine he's quite happy for. Really when I started out making him I was going in a totally different direction, and then this happened and now hes how he is!
Thank you so much for the crits Iris! I love hearing peoples opinions -and that they like my characters at alll- HURRAI!
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Posted: Wed Oct 07, 2009 5:44 pm
Other than, like, a few instances where I didn't understand something right away I really can't crit these. xD They're wonderfully fleshed out and the characters are all really interesting. I think I love Roan more than your others. It seems like he and Milena would have fun interacting with one another at least a few times.
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Posted: Wed Oct 07, 2009 5:50 pm
Lawls! Roan does seem to be winning the favoritism contest..Then again him and shin (Really shingatsu but you cant use jap names for quests) were the first OC's I ever created on gaia so I've had them for a long time (Lotsa time to think them out lawls!).
I want roan sooo badly, he would be epic fun to rp at hillsworth! -gaaah- and I've seen so many other quest chars I want to introduce him to -omg they'd have oodles of fun interactions!-
Thank you so much for the crit myu!
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Posted: Thu Oct 08, 2009 1:59 pm
-trots through- Crit meeeh! Even if its just to say ya love meee!!
Actually Im finding that I need a lot of help on my female senshi, her personality just isnt flowing through for me and I'm wondering if I should totally revamp her!
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Posted: Sat Oct 10, 2009 7:40 pm
Okay..I'm considering scrapping her..-edit- Nvmd Im just revamping her personality her flaws and her virtues -nods- I've started adding but I'm not sure if I still like them even! Bah..
SO! To cure my newfound and odd hatered of my lack of virtues and flaws for my good girl char..-who I do adore yet cant seem to focus on- I'm gonna make a female Lt. Negabaddie! YES!
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Posted: Sun Oct 11, 2009 4:19 pm
YES SHINI. LET US QUEST FOR FEMALE LIEUTENANTS TOGETHER. xD<3
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iStoleYurVamps
iStoleYurVamps
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Posted: Mon Oct 12, 2009 8:21 pm
First off, Roan probably wouldn't be sent to Hillworth unless his dad want him to reform for something. Hillworth is the school boy go to when they've got a record. Not when dad thinks his son just needs some military training. Roan would go to a boot camp for that. I just can't see him having a REAL reason for being at Hillworth IMO
"Roan, for all his annoying flaws is rather caring..at least on the inside, he is often eager to give advice on problems, and enjoys staying in the back ground. " That's not quite fitting in with the fact he DOESN'T want to get involved. Might want to drop that.
The mother hen thing also contradicts this.
Flaws are quite fine, but again, nothing that would land him at Hillworth
The whole senshi of logic...
First I cannot find a Logos star, comet, ect, what is Logos?
Next is the fact he really doesn't com off as a logical person.
Now, his attacks:
"With vehement insight roan physically lashes out at his opponent with a psychic attack, either mentally stunning said opponent or giving them a terrible migraine headache."
Contradicting. Either it's a mental attack or physical. Also, how would this affect a youma? Does it do any damage?
His second attack is basically, not be harsh but, it's lame. ANY senshi could step back from the battle to watch an opponent and see it's weak point. this is just a waste of an attack.
Overall, you might want to pick a diffrent power sphere. Logic is incredibly limited and well, I can't honestly think of a way that it would be used effectively in a battle.
NOW
Shin, right off, he has a japanese name and stands a low chance of getting in. Japanese names are banned unless you get a custom
Shin DOES seem the type to go to Hillworth. In fact by being a foster kid, he'd have a higher chance of being sent there IMO
His senshi:
Again, is it a star, planet? I can't find the orgin of Deacon.
Also if he's service, why is he pelting people with food? That's not service.
Other attacks are fine, but personally, He doesn't seem the type to refelect service.
Those are tyhe two i'll crit for now, ask if you want me to crit the others
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