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Interesting Conversationalist
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 Posted: Fri Aug 28, 2009 5:50 pm
 Journal
So, I'm not really good at these things. In fact, I'm really bad at them, mostly because my writing skills are sub-par, and I'm not exactly creative. But I guess, since it's just for myself, and not for anyone else, I shouldn't really care. I'm not sure how long I'll actually keep this up, mainly because whenever I go back and read things like that, I always feel really disgusted with myself. Then again, last time I wrote in a blog-type thing, I was an emo fourteen year old on myspace, I believe. Which is... embarrassing, to say the least. That and I think(/hope) my writing has improved since then. If not, I'm in serious need of this diary, just to help me practice.
I'm not exactly sure what I hope to accomplish through this. I guess just an outlet for how depressed I've been feeling lately, without having to find someone who'll listen to my idiotic rants and boring expressions of my day. It kind of gets pathetic, and to be perfectly honest, I know people SAY they'll listen and don't judge you and all that, but I know to a certain degree they can't help it, so I try to refrain. Besides, when most people say that, they don't actually mean it, it's just more of a courtesy thing. Like when you say 'How are you?' most people don't actually expect a response. It's mainly just a formality that has been introduced into our culture over time. (So I did learn something in speech class.) There are very few people who actually mean it, and those are the true friends you have to hang on to. But there's also a degree of 'Porcupine Syndrome' -- the closer someone is to you, the more you try to keep that stuff from them, because you love them and don't want to burden them. It's a catch 22, sadly.
At any rate, barring my cynicism towards the human race, I think it'd be good for me to write down things during the day. It might be good for me, might improve my mood. It'll help with the need for self-disclosure, without having to actually disclose to people. The illusion of self-disclosure, I suppose. I hope this diary doesn't get too bogged down with my own bitter self, but we'll see. I hope it's actually like a catalog of my life, instead of a place for me to rant, but hey, if my life is all about ranting, I guess it kills two birds with one stone. It'll also (hopefully) improve my writing skills.
... am I starting to repeat myself?
At any rate, I feel like I should start a new post for a new topic, since this was just suppose to be an introduction, and now I feel like writing about other things.
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Posted: Tue Sep 08, 2009 9:51 am
Mood: Dark
Another September rolls around, starting my third school year at dear, beautiful, pristine Crystal Academy. Not that it matters much. The months all run together now; I couldn't tell you what month something happened in, but it sure feels like I've been here for an eternity. An eternity in these marble halls... part of me feels like I'm in Hell itself. With the exception of the weather, the only thing signifying that it's not a traditional school year is whether or not I have Lacrosse, now. It's sad, that Lacrosse has to mark my seasons for me, and not the end of classes. Considering classes never actually ended for me. Summer school has kept me occupied for nearly the whole summer anyway, hindering anything I actually want to do. Poor Caerus -- I promised him this summer would be different. Unfortunately, I couldn't keep that promise, and Caerus has reacted in his typical, stubborn way. There wasn't much I could, though. To keep me away from the house (I assume), Mother and Daddy decided I should take extra classes, although to be honest, I probably would have decided to take summer classes anyway. Not for the classes themselves, although most of them have been tolerable, if not enjoyable, but so that I can keep an eye on Destiny City. Yet while there have been strange occurrences happening, they've been mild, and few and far between. Which is a good thing -- I'd rather keep under the radar, for now.
One thing a new school year does mean, though -- a mild influx of new students. I see them drive by nearly every day now, luxury cars circling the wide loop in front of Crystal, parents dropping off their daughters at the front. They all have that same, somber, respectable look about them, as if they've been dropped off so many times that none of it matters anymore. I'm so tired of that look. Is that how I look? Bored beyond imagination? A blank chalkboard? It disgusts me. I may be rude, but at least I have emotions and passions. Hell, most of them don't seem to have brains. Their only passion seems to be primping and sneering and giggling to each other about silly little things like boys.
They all feel so... alien.
There have, however, been a few instances where I've found myself surprised at the intellect and the personality of some of the students. Over the past few weeks I've been mildly startled to find I've stumbled upon someone who's not a hollow, self-absorbed shell. They seem to have a higher awareness than just of a certain group of people, or just their school. Sometimes I happen to run into them (those are occasions I wish would not happen -- while always find myself pleasantly surprised, conversation with me is awkward). Most of the time, however, I just happen to see them out of the corner of my eye, and their always gone by the time I look over, usually lost among some crowd. I can't help but wonder to myself... are they... allies?
My roommate left a month ago. I suppose I'll be getting a new one, eventually.
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Interesting Conversationalist
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Interesting Conversationalist
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Posted: Fri Oct 16, 2009 12:25 am
Thursday, October 8th
Mood: Bewildered
It is impossible to keep this thing up to date. I am not interesting enough to keep this thing up to date, and I certainly do not have the writing skill to be satisfied with how any of the entries turn out. It's not as if this is going to be turned into a teacher for a grade, however, I still find it extremely difficult to look back at my entry and not consider ripping it out. Take my last entry, for example. Reading it now, I'm surprised I wasn't dressing in black and dying my hair a plethora of depressing colors and brooding around my room. Except I was doing that last one.
Perhaps I do need more interaction, if only so someone could smack me should I ever becoming that dramatic and obnoxious again.
Returning to the task at hand. Things have been going quite a bit better than I had imagined they would, after my last entry. A fourth of the way through the school year, although that hardly makes a difference. What does make a difference is how, surprisingly, I've managed to get myself caught in the middle of several ordeals. What's more surprising is my responses to these ordeals.
I've met several other students recently, although only one of which was a Crystal girl -- a startling thing to have happen to such a dignified, high member of society. If any of the other girls found out (and they may have already, I don't care enough to find out) they would be appawled. Most of these sudden introductions have been with Hillworth boys. Imagine. A good Crystal girl would faint on sight. Of course, I have never been a good Crystal girl. Sure, I get the right grades, I do the extracurricular activities, but apparently I also let Hillworth boys escape after one particularly flirtatious one decided to feel up another girl. (He says she didn't. I'm waffling between believing him and saying he's full of crap -- although it's not outside the realm of possibility that a Crystal girl jumped to conclusions, he WAS extremely... friendly.)
Which reminds me. Hillworth boys are STALKERS.
I have only met two Crystal girls since I've been here this year, which in all honesty, does surprise me, although not because it's such a high number, but such a low one. I can't imagine why anyone would want to have a conversation with me; I'm rude, cold, and generally tend to either scare people or make them feel awkward till they have no choice but to leave. The first girl, Kore, seems friendly enough, although I really just gave her a tour around the campus -- nothing serious. I was the one to actually initiate conversation, surprisingly enough. She seemed lost, and a little confused. In the end, we went our separate ways, but that was the first puzzling experience I had had in a while.
The second girl I met was actually my new roommate. Eve is her name, and at first glance I would have said she is what I have always considered to be a stereotypical blonde. I actually find I kind of like her, though. She's bubbly and friendly, and seems genuinely interested in hearing what I have to say, when I say anything at all. She's considerate, and really quite adorable, if you think about it. She certainly keeps me on my toes. But I find it doesn't bother me, actually. She's really... sweet. She grew on me pretty quickly.
Perhaps this year will be better after all.
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Posted: Fri Oct 16, 2009 2:09 am
Mood: Cynical
Maybe I've gotten the hang of this. Maybe. Even though it's been almost a week since I've written anything, it's still a move in the right direction. Certainly better than the month I took to write that last one.
To be fair, school has really been hitting me hard. My teachers have decided that we have not been working hard enough, and have been gossiping too much (I would love to assure them that I would not be caught dead doing such a thing, however, I'm not sure they would take too kindly to that) and as a result, have increased our workload by a good 200%. As if I needed any more work to tire me out. Being a senshi does that well enough, thank you very much, I'm quite confident that I do not need any more group projects, ten page papers, or one hundred question tests on the '100 year war.' Perhaps I'd feel a little differently if it were things I felt were useful. But I doubt it. They're just using those giggly girls as an excuse to relieve the stress that has built up in their own lives.
I'm starting to think this is how the negaverse deals with their own problems also. Perhaps they're all just so frustrated about their own lives, that they feel the need to make all other people miserable also. Like emo kids. Maybe they think that stealing starseeds will suddenly make them popular and they'll live happily ever after.
Yeah, right. Although it makes me feel almost... bad for them. If they're just trying to be happy, and just going about it the wrong way, that's not such a terrible thing. But that is a dangerous way of thinking. I shouldn't be thinking that way -- they're evil. Evil beyond repair. There is no hope for them, and all they want is to destroy everything that is good in the world.
And yet...
... I don't know.
My first interaction with a senshi started with shameless flirting and ended with a fight with a flying youma trying to claw us to death. We got rid of it, and in the end everything turned out alright. Sailor Nerissa. A laid back, flirtatious, mildly yet endearingly crude girl... very attractive. And that's putting things mildly. She certainly kept me on my toes, and while things were calm and we didn't have a youma trying to destroy us, she managed to even make me feel... relaxed. And I haven't felt relaxed around another person in such a long time... it was... nice. Perhaps it was the understanding between us that we didn't have to hide anything. Having never met another senshi, I have never known a time when I didn't have to hide the fact that I had abilities and an identity that no one else was aware of. No one could know. And I'm not convinced that I would have felt as comfortable with another senshi. Perhaps I was just lucky to have found the right one the first time around. Maybe it'll ease the transition a bit better. Maybe I'll actually feel a kindredness with them.
And maybe pigs will learn to fly and rocks how to swim.
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Interesting Conversationalist
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Interesting Conversationalist
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Posted: Fri Oct 23, 2009 1:57 am
Thursday, October 23rd
Mood: Numb
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Posted: Sat Nov 07, 2009 2:45 am
Tuesday, November 3th
Mood: figuratively comatose
I guess I really haven't gotten the hang of this after all. Sleepless nights have left this to be the thing that suffers, out of all the things it could have been.
It's ironic, that the senshi of dreams can't even dream peacefully.
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Interesting Conversationalist
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Interesting Conversationalist
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Posted: Sat Dec 05, 2009 1:48 am
Mood: Pensive
So. It really was a dream.
For some reason, I'm inexplicably sad. It couldn't have been real, I knew that from the start, but I just... wanted it so badly to be. I wanted to believe that somewhere there was that place, so beautiful and untouched. But I guess... I was trying to believe in a fairytale. Pegasii do not exist. They do not appear to faithful young maidens, beautiful and purest of white, to be theirs and theirs alone. They do not fly into beautiful people's dreams, encouraging people to continue to wish and pray and hope. I have long since stopped believing that, if I wish long enough, I'll find a unicorn.
But... it was just so real. And I hate that word, it doesn't do it any justice, but there is no other way to describe it! The lake, the temple... when I close my eyes, I can see the maiden standing there, hear the little silver bell as she moved it just slightly in her palm, feel the hot wind move through my hair. It doesn't fade... if anything, the details feel clearer, and I remember more and more each time I think about it. I could see every detail with such a crystal clarity, the colors, the the air, everything. I could hear the lap of the water against the sand.
God dammit. It's so... infuriating. It hurts. Because it's not real, but it was so beautiful.
Helios. Who is Helios? I knew at the time... when I opened my eyes, in the dream, I knew who they were. I knew who I was. The maiden... she called me Helios. Helios the sun god? And Elysion... I don't remember hearing the name before. I must have read it somewhere. Perhaps a book I picked up in the library. That must have been it -- I must have read a book recently about mythology. It would explain why everything was in such detail. The temple was the Temple of Zeus. Pegasus was the pegasus born of Medusa. Helios must have come from the sun god. I must have picked up Elysion from it too... I'll look it up later.
The strange part is, I woke up feeling so... refreshed. So many nights I've tossed and turned with nightmares, if I get to sleep at all... I've forgotten what it was like to have a good night's sleep.
And the saddest part is... I hope the dream comes again. Please come again... don't leave me like this, with just a taste of something so beautiful.
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Posted: Thu Jan 07, 2010 10:33 pm
Mood: Troubled
My wish has become a nightmare. I wished for dreams, beautiful dreams, but what I got was less than what I wanted. So many dreams. Never the same, in any way, and never that dream. There doesn't feel to be any continuity between them. Sometimes I sleep well, other times I don't. Sometimes they're nightmares, sometimes I feel as if I'm passing through, just a visitor in someone else's territory. Not an intruder, merely an observer. Other times they feel purely my own. My own dreams, my own nightmares. Hazy, clear, each and every one is unique, so much so I would feel almost poetic, akining them to the snowflakes that fall outside.
I wonder if it's the cold weather.
School is out. ... and apparently, so is my motivation to write anything about my normal life. When did this become all about Pegasus? When did my life suddenly begin to revolve around the Negaverse and battles and patrolling?
Speaking of which, I've found a team. Or I've been assigned, it feels more like. A rag-tag bunch who don't seem to feel like we belong together. We met in a diner last night, down off of Halley Avenue... it was an interesting meeting, to say the least. Ironically, I've met them all before, besides one.
Charys. Sailor Nerissa, Senshi of Whirlpools.
Eve. Sailor Flora, Senshi of Spring.
Ume. Sailor MuCephi, Senshi of Blood.
Beth. Sailor Lyra, Senshi of Nebulas.
Delphine. Sailor Nemesis, Senshi of Decay.
Chloe. Siamese Guardian Cat.
And myself. Rea. Sailor Pegasus, Senshi of Dreams. Apparent leader of Team 'Seven.'
Great.
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Interesting Conversationalist
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Interesting Conversationalist
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Posted: Fri Jan 08, 2010 12:48 am
Friday, January 8th
Mood: Dreaming
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Posted: Mon Jan 11, 2010 4:55 pm
Mood: Thoughtful
Ever since that day at the hospital with Miriam, I've been thinking. About who I am. As a person. What I'm feeling right now, what I want to achieve, who I want to be. It's so easy to forget that, now a days, especially since now I'm... different. I'm one person, but I'm two. Two souls, one person, one body. It's confusing. Even without Helios adding his two cents to my thoughts, even before him, it is and was so easy to get caught up in what you're doing, where you're going, and I think people sometimes need reminding of who they are and what they believe. Over the past... who knows how long, actually... I feel like that's happening to me. I didn't know who I was as a person anymore. Sometimes 'going with the flow' just doesn't cut it -- at least for me, it lead me to this hollow shell of a person, something surviving, but not living. And there is a difference.
Now, what you don't know is that just now, I wrote a paragraph about myself. It was ineloquent and terribly written, and probably was very egotistical to an outside reader. (Although I'm sure, when I read this later, I'll think to myself 'all of this wasn't egotistical?') But I realized, when I reached the end and I looked back on the collection of facts I had written about myself, that that still wasn't really who I was. It wasn't the important things, it wasn't the correct me. And while I was writing it, I began thinking... maybe you can't fit yourself into a paragraph. Who you are to others is based on how you act around them. Who you are to yourself, only you know. Neither is explainable in mere words. It must be experienced. Writing that you're a dreamer and that you are a logical thinking doesn't explain anything, because to what minute extent is impossible to tell through those words. The english language isn't perfect -- language is crude, it doesn't nearly explain how people are truly feeling. Sometimes you get close, sometimes you can try, but no one will ever feel exactly what you are feeling when you try to portray it. You will never truly understand a person. The only thing you can do is try. Try to experience what they are experiencing. It takes time, and it takes interest, but connecting with someone on a level that you understand them is a wonderful thing.
As long as you're not being a creeper.
Moving on from the egotistical, big-headed, psuedo/fail-philosophical paragraph -- New Years Resolutions. I mean, it's January 11th, but I never did write them down, so I probably should, as a reminder. Maybe as a motivator. Who knows, I've never been good at keeping my resolutions. (In fact, I'm not sure I ever really had any resolutions before this year.)
Resolutions
Take More Pictures
Learn a New Language
Write More
Yeah. That's it. That's all I have. Not exactly impressive, and they're pretty self explanatory. Ok 2010, time to nut up or shut up.
Also, I don't know if I'll ever go back and read this, but I'm pretty sure if I do, I'll think the same thing I am thinking now -- I am really not funny.
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Interesting Conversationalist
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Interesting Conversationalist
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Posted: Sat Jan 16, 2010 12:09 am
Saturday, January 16th
Mood:
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Posted: Sat Mar 13, 2010 12:11 am
Saturday, March 13th
Mood: ...
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Interesting Conversationalist
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Interesting Conversationalist
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Posted: Sat May 01, 2010 3:19 am
Saturday, May 1st
Mood: delirious
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