Shadows Journal

[DiDiW]

We like helping you! That's what friends do for each other!

And as for your friend, I don't have any brilliant solution, but I will pray for both of you.

You changed your username! What should we call you now?  

[Shadowcat_Yami]

i changed it so his dad wouldnt know we were talking but his dad is old apparently and wont remember who my alt is... i changed it back... kageneko_yami means shadowcat_darkness its in japanese lol amd thanks in another month he returns to his mom and then he wont be 7 hours ahead of me and then i can talk to him more, and i know... i love making avis and then trying to get teh items... right now i made a cool one i so want to accomplish... its a butterfly its so cute..... mainly i need prism moth wings or whatever it is.... im thinking about looking into charities to see if they would donate some items....  

[Shadowcat_Yami]

Gah my lifes been difficult but a small thing has made me laugh....
my chihuahua was out and i walked into the room with a plum and he got so excited. as if saying "Oh my god its a ball... give me the ball, give me the ball"and i was like... "um this is not a ball... its fruit.... food not your ball" it was so funny seeing him get so excited about a plum  

[DiDiW]

That's adorable! Isn't it funny how the littlest things can make a difference?  

[Shadowcat_Yami]

So its been months since iwrote in this... kinda forgot i had it XD sorry so what have i been up to
Did i tell you i have a second godson or in september my sister had her baby girl?? no prolly not ok ill start August i was searching for a college and anxiously awaiting my new niece to be born. The beginning i was sad because my Niece Taylor and nephue landon from my older sister marrissa had to go back to dexter to their dad and possibly abusive step mom. SO my mood was sad and upset. Taylor told me that everytime my sister couldnt go get the kids that Jeri-step mom b***h, told them "Your mom doesnt want you thats why she doesnt come. Im all you got so deal with it. Your mother doesnt love you" she told my 10 yr old niece and 6 year old nephuw that. aAnd last summer before the one that just passed my nephue was misbehaving because he truely believed that after all those months of that b***h sayin that. Taylor told her she wants to lvie with her mom and the b***h does that. Than they both told me she makes them do all the cooking and cleaning and her kids have nothing to do. Her kids get special treatment nad hse hits my niece nad nephue. Taylor told me she had a bruise on her back from Jeri hitting her. I personally want to beat that bitches face in as well as a boy on her bus that called her a b***h for the driver making him sit next to taylor.
September 19 my niece Arianna was born WOOOOOO so cute andLOUD. i fought with a friend because i didnt want to hang with her that night before and good thing i did cause my isster went into labor. Sad thing i was going to get to be in the delivery room but i couldnt cause it was really late and i worked the next day. The fight was that we had a "hang out the week before" but it was secretly a get together and tell what bothers you about everyone else. I wasnt informed we were doing that while everyone else did. i was PISSED. this is what i was told about them
erica- a know it all at times
Nikki- loud and know it all
kevin- you withdraw and it pisses me off, you want a ttention is why you do it
nick and nikki- nothing
megan my best friend- you withdraw andare distant and it makes me feel like im not doing my job as your best friend to make you feel wanted... makes me sad
what everyone said about the dfollowing
Erica- know it all whore- whore the joke
Megan- temper over losing games and such
Kevin- confusing cause he is gay but thats cause erica nad both nikkis are obsessed with him.
nick and the second nikki are married
Nick and nikki- marriage priblems nad
otehr nikki i forgot.
SO PISSED abotu that.
ok why all that about me is bull s**t
im not a know it all, but when i know something or say something erica says "oh no you are wrong that is this" and i know what im talking about and get tiredof pushing me around so i stand up to her and say no its this. Its not beign a know it all its being me standing up for myself toher. I know there is alot i dont know and i am just tired of her making me seem like a idiot.
im not loud oh and have to be the center of attention is another thing i supposedly do
I HATE being the center of attention, i blush and get nervous and hide. the loud thing is if im geting excited nad they are being loud i get alittle louder so the person i talk to can be heard.
the center of attention thing- ok usually hanging out its me nikki s (nikki P is with nick) erica nad megan. we talk abotu stories and such one day meg and i were talkign about ours andwow but erica got jealous cause she ALWAYS has to be center of attention. and told us from now on we can only talk about stories that involve everyone cause thats only fair. so from then on out i stuck to that. the time before this crap meeting erica nad nikki started talking about their story so i tryed to change the subject to a story all 4 of us were in.. so center of attention... right.
the withdrawing thing was because i have trust issues i dont do it to be attention on me... i do it cause i honestly dont thing any of them wanted me there and was uncomfortable... i cant help but doing it... its a way for me to not be attentioned on and it apparently back fires.. but im working through that to not do it anymore. now if i do that i just get pissed if im angry and glare. ok so thats why i didnt wanna go to her party
so i got off the night of the party at 8 was tired and osre plus rhonda was due any time so i said i worked so she ok bye and didnt say anythign. so she texted me the next day she texted me asking about coming over and i told her i worked and had phone in back room cause i was working at the time nad had to go up front for a rush. came back to 4 textes they said
Get off at 8 like last night?
what didnt think i would find out? Kevin shouldnt have had to tell me
What to afraid to say anything?
If you didnt want to go you should have grown a spine and said it... and some others stuff was said
i was PISSED so i toldher my sister had her baby abd after she said i should have told her i told her if she actually listened to anything i said she would know rhonda was due anytime
so eventually we made up...
October Anna and roy my best friend and her husband, plus their sons my god sons Gabriel and Jaxson came over a couple times... their ferret died... they went out on halloween with us that gave us a HUGE scare.
we went int omy moms work at hampton in and were sitting there. it was me, my sister dnayellwho is 18, mom, anna, gabe-1 yr, jax who was like 5 months, roy, rhonda my older isster, her husband dennis their son Calvin who is 3 and baby ariana who is 1 month at the time. next thing we know a customer calls down saying their window was shot at. There was a bullet hole impact at the window. We got all the kids in the hallway and were scared of what was happening. Roy who was in the military alittle said he seen impact was made from a 22 but the police saud a bebe... there was no way it was that and so we were afraid and scared.
Novemeber worked a ton for thanksgiving and kind of boring
December got a acrylic paint set for christmas i was so happy tons of candy... than sadness risa was supposed to get her kids the day after christmas but their father refused to let her. so no seeing them until summer which will mean a year since i saw them crying he always makes excuses and cuts our time short with htem. i want risa to hire a lawyer and get them with her.
January-current work sucks i need a second job. just starting my math class as of yesterday IT SUCKS.... oh yeah i started college in october.... but i dont know if i wanna be a animator or game desinger  

[Shadowcat_Yami]

Something new... i havent cried this much for awhile, im overly sensitive and upset. i like this guy whom i met on gaia.. we are a couple ish... but now... hge is so distant at times and it upsets me. during a fight we were having i met another friend and got close to hm while i was reallt hurting, to make it less. all this online. tonight he made a joke that offended me and i was so hurt i well cried. He tried to apologize but i wouldnt let him, i think distancing myself from him is a good idea.
I have alot of online friends on my main account. At first alot of them talked to me everyday or so... now im lucky to get a pm back... or if i do its a short one or they are busy. Just seems like they are tired of me.... so now im upset... even more
My niece told us she was sick with scarlet fever, strawberry tongue, strep, and a heat rash. they took her to the doctor only after the school made them cause she got sent home... makes me nervous. her dad is saying it was only strep yet how would she know the oither things since its not commonly talked about. my sister is afraid to fight for the kids because if she loses she could lose seeing them ever again.
my other sisters 3 year old son is a mouthy brat who used to curse. I blame spongebob... why?? cause if you listen it has a swear word on the movie. Its a bad influence for children and i dislike it.
school problems again... dont even want to talk abotu it... so much drama at owrk its stressful

so crying is a good respince to all this i think  

[Shadowcat_Yami]

and it gets even better.... its so bad right now so many things hapening. Hurt, pissed off, betrayed.... thats just the tip of what im feeling right now.  

[DiDiW]

*hugs* Oh, my. You really are going through a lot right now. Sorry I haven't been there for you. I do care about you. If there is anything I can do, please just ask.  

[Shadowcat_Yami]

thanks it just sucks.... school is hard, i want my famiyl safe. Ive been fighting with friends online that is... it sucks... and ish with my sorta boyfriend >.>; lost a friend because she is being a stupid b***h. SHe assumed just because i had a guy friend in my gaia house with me that we were cybering. so she flipped out said she would leave and i let her because i was spending time with him and another friend was on her way. THan she posted somethign about being grossed out by "one of her friends" and i got pissed... we exchanged words and i told her she had the wrong idea and a couple other things... and now we arent friends aand i put her on ignored list after she took me off her friends list. GOsh seriously im not some 11 year old kid who has never seen boobs or otehr in my life and feels empowered by getting some online =.= im insulted by her implecation. hell i have alot of male friends i hang otu with... im so pissed. how is it ppl can be so stupid. i hang out in gaia hosues because i dont trust rally anymore.. isnce scripters are tehre and hackers too.. a guy was there the other night in rally and said " quite the avi she has there" and i was thinking ******** a hacker so i said "none shall take my lucky charms le poof" and left the rally...my friend said the man said " what the hell?" and my friend goes "ditto " and left XD
so for st pats im dressing as a lepracon and running through towns and zomg yellign that XD "none shall take meh lucky charms"  

[Shadowcat_Yami]

SO been aloittle inactive, just started college classes. Been sick... My infant niece has to have breathing treatments for medicine, ewinter allergy thingie.... heartache and upsestness. I have a newyears resolution to lose weight i nthe TOP area.... freaking no shirts are made right.... ugh... well ill be back to activness soon and im so sorry about letting you guys down. I will try and do better  

[Shadowcat_Yami]

So alot has happend. i almost wrote this in another journal but here no one will really see it. not that the other place it will be seen either.... maybe ishould just stop telling ppl stuff, stop writing it out. All that usuall happens is i get pitted or ppl think im nuts or a danger to myself.... no one every really talks to me anymore...ive snapped abit under to much stress. i ... i just think ill keep all this to myself after all.... it would be way to long to write out... at least for now.  

[Lady Kira X]

I'm here to listen if you like.

No judgment  

[Shadowcat_Yami]

it is a very long complicated story... im gonna need to find copies where i told someone else so i can copy it >.< i love copy and past lol so give me alittle while to post it up than.  

[Shadowcat_Yami]

ok where to begin... ill start with issues leading up to and why the recent fight was so bad.
I had first starting rping with a guy through Im and he made a comment that my characters are unrealistically stubber and it make sit hard torp with. please excuse my typos.
in a guild a dude insulted me nad i got pissed... i made a character and it went like this
Him ill see how it goes
Me: im editing it so wait to see how you liked it when im done before you accept
Him: said something about it
Me: ok well i guess you like tougher characters thats fine
Him:not really tougher just meaner than that, looks like you threw it togetehr
Me: told him off and blocked him
later thatweek a new rule is posted about how we should act about pl saying no. when im the one who should have complained'
ok newer i used that profile and rped with someone nad it ended awhile ago with him saying the rp was boring, which brought up al lkinds of hurt feelings. i got really upset and tried to chang things so it would be better...
ever since ive been off depressants i havent fully healed and well every littel thing i flinch back at... so im overly emotional and easily hurt.

a chick... i rp with in a sm guild... yes i like those rps. well she mentioned ppl posting nad i said oops cause i hadnt been and she said she wasnt worried causeour rp wasnt interesting to her... and i flet really upset and we had a spat about it... well than she and i were talking abd i wasnt ready to start rping and she was trying to say it was all her fault nad i felt really bad... so i said it was my fault for not being more interesting and said ok you can make hte next things os ill know it interests you adn she blew up saying i do the poor me things nad ******** it she deleted the rps... and i was really upset and was crying. plus offline my oldest and younfer siste rboth had boyfrinds break up with thim over text my own relationship i felt odd about... expecting him to break up with me anytime cause i come with way to much emtional baggage. told 2 good frinds this.. ranted... and than suddenly i stopped crying... wait there was one thing at the end of february
in another guild sm i was rping with someone i asked to join with me well i used occ to ask that no one get involved because i hate ppl interfering with my rp fights. well he used occ that they can if they want.
i was rather upset he contridicted me infront of everyone like that and told him how i felt over im. which he blew up saying no one cared about the things i cared about, that i was depressing and that no wonder im always fighting with frinds... which usually frinds do sonethign to upset me.
before that a frind i trusted told someone my mule account in a guild(which it wasnt a big deal)) to someone who hated me as my mule. i trusted him and for him to tell that perso ntaht... hurt... blocked him and cried being so upset he hurt me.
so i was hurting over that when he did this and had snapped at leo the great friend of mine. a couple weeks ago we in the bleach guild were discussing being able to see a hear the zanpaktou spirits and in pms a friend and i were talking and it got personal and rather heated arguement and i ended up REALLY hurt... i kept saying i agree htey should be able to attack pplrandomly but sbeing seen isnt a big deal and yada yada... its all better now with everyone the blabber mout his slowly earning my tryst back as is the one who hurt me by blowing up about how i felt.
but back to the guild issue and hte calling me a poor me oding hing
well suddenly i stopped crying, like somethign snaped in me nad i didnt care. about the love issue, the guild crap... all the petty things that always upset me... didnt bother me... as if im the old me again...  

[Shadowcat_Yami]

Well my week got SO much worse.... i never thought i would ever be pushed or so desperate as to try to get back on at walmart but i am... i did.... after last night... i never wanted to hit someone so badly....

we ddo these combos at work anysize drink and popcirn get so much off a couple candies. Before the manager never cared about us doign the combo twice on one order. but the ******** new guy, after i wouldnt close for him, boitched to hte manager whom apparently conciders him a favorite. than he got on my case even thought whene he adds hte combos at the end of the night he can SEE i used it more than once. than i found out after i left they all sat around gossiping about it behind my back.

i defanatly will NEVER work for that a*****e again. he asked my sister for her closing hours and she needed to clean her shed out so she said yeah and i wpould stay til 7 well he "forgot he had plans": and wanted me to close. told her he was sick though so he is just a ******** liar.