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 Posted: Fri Jul 24, 2009 5:47 am
Yeah, I would save the summary of backstory for later (or just not have it at all, and let readers catch on to what has happened as it goes). Maybe better to start with some kind of action involving a vampire-- start in the middle of it all, you know.
Anyway, here's the first three sentences of my WIP:
A man once called Ravahel stood alone in the spattering rain and estimated the minutes of life left to him. The pasty brown mud rippled around his gaunt bare ankles, churned by pellets of ice and water. The darkness suddenly flashed white across the northern skies, and a moment later deafening thunder crashed, followed by reverberating echoes pealing from the sheer mountainsides of Kasinidri that were invisible in the gloom.
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Posted: Tue Jul 28, 2009 10:46 am
That sounds pretty cool Nebluance! I liked the part about deafening thunder the most. 3nodding
I'm starting to wonder though, are vampire stories starting to become stale? I mean, they seem to be everywhere now cuz a lot of people seem to be coming up with one of their own. neutral
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Posted: Wed Aug 12, 2009 1:49 pm
Hypno; Yeah; there are loads of vampire stories these days. If you must know, (I'm very shocked you didn't know) New Moon is the sequel to Twilight (You wrote the wrong word :p), which is followed by Eclipse and some other book (I've forgot its name). Twilight was made into a film, very popular, you might have seen it? I've not read the books, or seen the film, but I know it's about vampires. Which is slightly ironic, don't you think? I mean, you mention vampires and the things we were discussing were about vampires...
I just don't want it to sound like a vampire story, you know? Especially because its about wolves, not vampires sweatdrop .
Nebulance; That sounds really interesting. I really like your writing style; it reminds me of Christopher Paolini, the author of the Inheritance Cycle. No clue why though, it just does. It's really nice and descriptive; I love stuff like that.
I agree with that point you made there; starting in the middle of the action draws people in - it also makes the reader empathise with the protagonist immediately. I did this by beginning in one of my protagonist's nightmares; the nightmares are also relevant to the plot, so it gave the reader a first hand experience: less telling, more showing.
I'd like to read more of this story of yours. If I were an editor, which I'm not, then I would read on; I want to know more about this person.
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Posted: Wed Aug 26, 2009 11:49 am
Vaporeae Hypno; Yeah; there are loads of vampire stories these days. If you must know, (I'm very shocked you didn't know) New Moon is the sequel to Twilight (You wrote the wrong word :p), which is followed by Eclipse and some other book (I've forgot its name). Twilight was made into a film, very popular, you might have seen it? I've not read the books, or seen the film, but I know it's about vampires. Which is slightly ironic, don't you think? I mean, you mention vampires and the things we were discussing were about vampires... I just don't want it to sound like a vampire story, you know? Especially because its about wolves, not vampires sweatdrop . Yeah, I thought there were quite a few already. Wait, I wrote the wrong word? Oh yeah! Sorry, I confused the show "Moonlight" with the name of the movie "Twilight". Silly me, eh? sweatdrop I still haven't seen that movie, I'm waiting for it to get to cable. So yer story is about werewolves, sounds neat! Especially cuz there aren't that many stories about them yet. I wonder if anyone else is gonna post the first 3 lines of their story...
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Posted: Fri Aug 28, 2009 10:19 am
Well, the Werewolves are a major part of it, but really it's about the Lunar Wolves (I so want to change that name >.>). The Werewolves are the antagonists, but there are good ones. Well, at least one (who happens to be Vera's father, but he died *cough* not plot spoilers * cough* ^-^;; ). So I hope that won't be too stereotypical.
Well, if we all need three lines, then I may as well post the first three lines of my current project, 'When Life Ends' (yes, I chose 8D).
This is from the prologue...Quote: A woman was walking alone in a dark alleyway. She gasped as piercing pains racked her swollen stomach, and leaned against the cold, brick walls, hands scraping at layers of graffiti. Her long, blonde hair hung low over her face; unkept locks hiding her shallow eyes, her pale blue irises staring at her stomach worriedly. Quote: The boy slipped through the crowds effortlessly. He ducked through men's legs, and swerved around the walking people, running quickly and without tiring. He sidestepped passersby as easily as a nimble mouse, his skinny body able to slip through gaps that most children his age would have got hopelessly stuck in.
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Posted: Fri Sep 04, 2009 6:02 am
Vaporeae: I like the lines, but they do sound pretty generic. The grammar is a bit iffy. Watch your use of commas, and try to avoid starting consecutive sentences with the same word (in that second set of three, you started two sentences with the word "he."
If I were re-writing that, I would have written something like this:
The boy slipped effortlessly through the crowd. He ran quickly and without fatigue, ducking through the legs of grown men and swerving around those still walking to their destinations. As easily as a nimble mouse he sidestepped passersby, his skinny body able to slip through gaps in which most children might have gotten hopelessly stuck.
I pretty much just changed some word ordering and changed a few word pairings that might provide an awkward read. By no means should you feel obligated to take my advice, I was just trying to make it into an example for ya. heart hypnocrown I wonder if anyone else is gonna post the first 3 lines of their story...
I will do the same as Vaporeae. I'll post the first three of my prologue and the first three of the first chapter itself. This is for my current WIP.
The Prologue (I jumped to the fourth line only to finish the sentence XD):Quote: The night was growing toward its apex, the moon shining brightly into the windows of a darkened room where an old man sat. He was stately and very well-kept, with a high-browed face and a body very well-conditioned for his age. His dark hair and thick beard, both peppered with gray, shone in the light of the teleson screen in front of him as his fingers drummed on the armrests of a red leather high-backed chair. Quote: “You know, you and I shouldn’t keep meeting like this. We should try to find each other in the real world.” The boy fixed his bright emerald eyes on Alanora. His long honey-gold hair blew on a light breeze. “I want to know you when you are really there.”
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Posted: Thu Sep 10, 2009 1:05 pm
That makes sense Vaporeae but do you know which name comes to my mind when I think about a story concerning Lunar Wolves? This: "Light of Night". Ever heard of Light of Day? Well, that's what I thought might be good for it but maybe it's just me, he-he.
I like the lines in the prologue more than the ones from chapter one, just so you know.
That seems like nice work Alanora but you sure do like to use some complex words, doncha? I must say, this is the first time I have ever read the word "apex" so, I'm gonna go check it out on Wikipedia if you don't mind, he-he. sweatdrop
The prologue does seem interesting so far even if i didn't get one of the words there.
As for the first lines of chapter one, they are hardly 3 lines, are they? I think you should add a few more words to it and see if it seems a bit more interesting. 3nodding
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Posted: Mon Sep 14, 2009 6:36 pm
 ♦
Here is the uber rough draft of the first few lines of my WIP. I mean I seriously pulled this out me arse and typed it down immediately after. It's completely unedited and unrevised but there is no need to be gentle with it.
Quote: The river Sanar flowed out of Gods Range, carrying food and life down through the lowlands and mist blanketed forests and disappeared through many smaller rivers and creeks on it's way towards Aravet . In this one spot it was strong and wide. Here it butted against the city of B'denen and so it was not only the great river, it was the great midden heap as well.
♦
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Posted: Mon Sep 14, 2009 6:47 pm
Vaporeae Well, the Werewolves are a major part of it, but really it's about the Lunar Wolves (I so want to change that name >.>). The Werewolves are the antagonists, but there are good ones. Well, at least one (who happens to be Vera's father, but he died *cough* not plot spoilers * cough* ^-^;; ). So I hope that won't be too stereotypical.
Well, if we all need three lines, then I may as well post the first three lines of my current project, 'When Life Ends' (yes, I chose 8D).
This is from the prologue...Quote: A woman was walking alone in a dark alleyway. She gasped as piercing pains racked her swollen stomach, and leaned against the cold, brick walls, hands scraping at layers of graffiti. Her long, blonde hair hung low over her face; unkept locks hiding her shallow eyes, her pale blue irises staring at her stomach worriedly. Quote: The boy slipped through the crowds effortlessly. He ducked through men's legs, and swerved around the walking people, running quickly and without tiring. He sidestepped passersby as easily as a nimble mouse, his skinny body able to slip through gaps that most children his age would have got hopelessly stuck in. ♦
Hrmm the only thing I can think of right now is in the prologue. you may want to consider switch "shallow eyes' to "sallow eyes" "sunken eyes" doesn't have a bad ring to it either. or tear stained, bloodshot, bugging or perhaps "hiding sore, tired eyes that/which stung from lack of sleep" < or some other hurt besides lack of sleep. Unless of course you meant that her eye sockets were literally shallow.
♦
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Posted: Mon Sep 14, 2009 8:37 pm
I can see what you're saying, Hypno. Here's the beginning of Chapter 1, with a little more to it:Quote: “You know, you and I shouldn’t keep meeting like this. We should try to find each other in the real world.” The boy fixed his bright emerald eyes on Alanora. His long honey-gold hair blew in a light breeze. “I want to know you when you are really there.”
They were sitting on the edge of a field of wildflowers. Alanora toyed with a blade of grass she had plucked, refusing to meet his eyes. “Where do you live?” she asked, her heart pounding. What if she really did meet this boy? Was he real? Would he be her best friend? Up until now her only friend had been her foster-sister, and she didn’t count because she was family.
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Posted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 11:38 am
Wolffy-Silver ♦
Here is the uber rough draft of the first few lines of my WIP. I mean I seriously pulled this out me arse and typed it down immediately after. It's completely unedited and unrevised but there is no need to be gentle with it.
Quote: The river Sanar flowed out of Gods Range, carrying food and life down through the lowlands and mist blanketed forests and disappeared through many smaller rivers and creeks on it's way towards Aravet . In this one spot it was strong and wide. Here it butted against the city of B'denen and so it was not only the great river, it was the great midden heap as well.
♦ Hey Wolfie! I must say, it doesn't exactly sound bad but for me, I don't really find this to be a hook that makes me want to keep reading it. Bear in mind this is only my suggestion but does this really have to start with the river? And if it does, do you think there could be something more to the river in the first place? Just a thought... Alanora Calaran I can see what you're saying, Hypno. Here's the beginning of Chapter 1, with a little more to it:Quote: “You know, you and I shouldn’t keep meeting like this. We should try to find each other in the real world.” The boy fixed his bright emerald eyes on Alanora. His long honey-gold hair blew in a light breeze. “I want to know you when you are really there.”
They were sitting on the edge of a field of wildflowers. Alanora toyed with a blade of grass she had plucked, refusing to meet his eyes. “Where do you live?” she asked, her heart pounding. What if she really did meet this boy? Was he real? Would he be her best friend? Up until now her only friend had been her foster-sister, and she didn’t count because she was family. Thanks Alanora! I gotta tell ya, this sounds quite interesting and I can't find anything that needs editing but maybe that's just me cuz I'm not an English teacher or an English major but, it does sound much more intriguing than before. 3nodding There you have it! My two cents... mrgreen
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Posted: Wed Oct 07, 2009 10:02 pm
hypnocrown Wolffy-Silver ♦
Here is the uber rough draft of the first few lines of my WIP. I mean I seriously pulled this out me arse and typed it down immediately after. It's completely unedited and unrevised but there is no need to be gentle with it.
Quote: The river Sanar flowed out of Gods Range, carrying food and life down through the lowlands and mist blanketed forests and disappeared through many smaller rivers and creeks on it's way towards Aravet . In this one spot it was strong and wide. Here it butted against the city of B'denen and so it was not only the great river, it was the great midden heap as well.
♦ Hey Wolfie! I must say, it doesn't exactly sound bad but for me, I don't really find this to be a hook that makes me want to keep reading it. Bear in mind this is only my suggestion but does this really have to start with the river? And if it does, do you think there could be something more to the river in the first place? Just a thought... *giggle-snort* I thought the same thing. I'm working on the oddness. I was thinking i could try to add bait to the hook by making the landscape sound appealing for all that it's a bit cold and winds it way through a 'taiga' esque forest. (a cold cold COLD old growth forest damn near primeval) The next paragraph (or two) has the main hook, in my opinion wich would be the main character and some internal banter while she is cleaning the river through unknown means just appealed to my dry sense of humor but it needs polish. OH did I tell you guys? My dads getting published. Sweet! Look out for No Rules is the First Rule! Uhhh... Eventually.
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Posted: Fri Oct 09, 2009 3:44 pm
That sounds good! I especially like the near primeval part for the forest. And the fact that a character can clean a river does sound intriguing but, how exactly is said cleaning taking place? I mean, is it cleaning it from filth or, is it more of a "picking it clean" kind of cleaning?
Hey! That's great. I wish I knew how to get published in my country.
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Posted: Tue Oct 13, 2009 9:25 pm
hypnocrown That sounds good! I especially like the near primeval part for the forest. And the fact that a character can clean a river does sound intriguing but, how exactly is said cleaning taking place? I mean, is it cleaning it from filth or, is it more of a "picking it clean" kind of cleaning? Hey! That's great. I wish I knew how to get published in my country. ♦
I believe you need to approach various editors in order to start the process. AFTER you have edited the hell out of your novel. An editor would know what to do after the book has been perfected. Google may assist you in the quest for that knowledge
As for HOW she cleans the river. This character, Rhana, Is something of her religions version of a saint, but she has yet to come into her full power so her patron goddess decides to give her, as well as most of her predecessors, a modicum of power to help her keep herself safe until she reaches full Silver Phoenix status and can do the job she is required to do, you could say that she is a fledgling saint of sorts, and the manipulation of the various bits and pieces that make up the world is her defense mechanism. She will loose the power when she reaches 'maturity' simply because it is assumed that someone will want to keep her safe when it is known that she is the mortal hand of the goddess of destiny and reincarnation. But I need to word that more simply in the first chapter and give away a little less. I can handle that. :]]
♦
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Posted: Thu Oct 15, 2009 1:31 pm
Yeah, I guess that sounds about right. I haven't been able to meet with many and I haven't had the chance to edit the heck out of my stories either.
Gee Silver Wolfie, that sounds a bit too complicated if you don't mind me saying so. I think it's rather funny that your character and a certain singer have a very similar name, don't you agree? mrgreen
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