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 Posted: Sat Jun 06, 2009 6:44 am
Open my eyes
~~~
I open my eyes
I can't just see
All happiness
And misery
I see sadness
I see pain
I see comfort
I see shame
Opening my eyes
I see two parts
The love of one another
And the love to fall apart
It's sadness
It's pain
It's comfort
It's shame
Opening my eyes
I see the end
It calms me down
And makes some sense
It's love
It's passion
It's trust
It's insane
Opening my eyes
I only find people
Who find there way
When there is no way left
It's pain
It's hurt
It's crying
It's leaving
Opening my eyes
I see so many things
But the more I see
The less I believe
There is a way
~~~~
Saturday, June 6, 2009
-Mel Basso (loco se veyoi)
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Posted: Sat Jun 06, 2009 4:46 pm
I'm not going to go back to the lack of punctuation, but this is definitely one of the poems that doesn't need it, I'll admit. Unlike many people think, freeverse doesn't mean "do whatever the hell you want." I'm no saying that you don't know it, I'm just stating in in the case that you or anyone else who is reading this advice doesn' understand why I'm giving it since this is freeverse poetry.
In the second stanza, the last line absolutely ruins that whole stanza, I give me apologies. Yes, yes, freeverse, but if you look at that stanza in detail, the first line is 4 sylables, then three, then four, and then four again. The fact that you break the assumed pattern kills it, and also, the alliteration for the beginning of each of the lines dies with that last line, using "And" instead of "I." Also, the fact that every other stanza, is a chorus with alliteration in the beginning kind of makes that sanza stick out a lot compared to the rest.
In the beginning, I don't know if it was inended or not, but the second and fourth line of each stanza had either a rhyme, or a slant rhyme, when the fourth-to-last stanza breaks that, I wasn't sure whether it had a significant structure, or whether it would be dubbed "freeverse."
I don't know if it's just my personal prefference, but in the lines "Opening my eyes," Opening doesn't fit. I personally believe that "I open" would be much better because it puts much more assonance in that line, and the long I sound is very dramatic, and stressful, therefore giving more character to the poem.
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Posted: Sat Jun 06, 2009 4:56 pm
fixed with all of what you recommended except for the fourth-to-last stanza, it says what i want it to say.
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Posted: Sat Jun 06, 2009 5:03 pm
Heh... rhymezone.com & thesaurus.com are every poet's friends.
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Posted: Sat Jun 06, 2009 5:05 pm
watch it, hun, I like how it sounds and I really don't like rhyming, if it rhymes, that means I can't really help it, it just comes out, so please be quiet about the whole rhyming thing
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Posted: Sat Jun 06, 2009 8:41 pm
Well, it's just a confusing aspect of this poem, the fact that everything prior to that stanza had a rhyme scheme of a-b-c-b just confused me, as the reader.
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Posted: Sun Jun 07, 2009 3:48 am
Actually, if you read it over again that none of the poem actually rhymes, I just made it seem that way, if you want I could find something better to continue the flow but that's all I can promise.
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Posted: Sun Jun 07, 2009 9:18 am
No, dear, they all do rhyme. It's called "slant rhyme." It's used quite often in poetry. Whether they are intended or not, they do, infact, rhyme.
Edit: kind of like again and rain don't rhyme, yeah, they do.
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Posted: Sun Jun 07, 2009 3:46 pm
yes, they do, in the conventional way, though, Mine don't
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Posted: Sun Jun 07, 2009 4:05 pm
XD! Slant rhyme is considered rhyme, dear. It's like you're trying to convince me that the first half of your poem doesn't rhyme when it does, there isn't any way for words tha rhyme, not to rhyme, whether you want them to or not.
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Posted: Sun Jun 07, 2009 4:26 pm
But it is possible for word that don't rhyme to rhyme without specific meaning?
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Posted: Sun Jun 07, 2009 4:39 pm
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Posted: Sun Jun 07, 2009 6:12 pm
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Posted: Sun Jun 07, 2009 8:19 pm
It's not because I think you're making a valid argument, it's because... you are too enclosed in your own mindset, is the nice way to put it.
-echoes the title of her thread-
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Posted: Mon Jun 08, 2009 2:41 am
but see, that's not cruel criticism, it's saying something is something when it isn't, there's a difference.
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