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 Posted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 7:54 am
I figured you had to be Canadian, with the Timmie's mug in your sig. smile
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Posted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 8:37 am
Adrayis I figured you had to be Canadian, with the Timmie's mug in your sig. smile Haha, it's a sure give away XD
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Posted: Sun Apr 24, 2011 5:44 pm
Just putting this out there.
I'm under a lot of stress and pressure right now so I may be off for the next while. It's exam time for me right now so that comes with the usual amount of stress but there are more family issues that are cropping up again at this time as well as getting very distressing news about the situation with my back. So, I am a little out of it, a little sensitive and quite a bit emotional.
I'm really getting tired of a lot of things and I may be a little over sensitive at the moment. Instead of posting something I may regret later, I'm actually just going to take a break from posting around the main thread and (not that I post over much here) but I may not participate at all for a little while here either.
I just... don't know what to do right now so this is the best I've got.
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Posted: Mon Apr 25, 2011 12:03 am
Sometimes a break is needed. The internet will be here when you're ready for us Mame heart
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Posted: Wed Jun 01, 2011 10:24 pm
*dusts off this old thread* Huh. Been awhile.
Anyways. Things have been a bit rocky lately. I'm at a point in my life where I feel very trapped. I don't really want to get into all the details but I just want to get some things out.
My back injury has been spiking a lot worse and more frequently since October. It's actually one of the primary reasons why I've not really been interested in pursuing any potential partners. I feel like a useless lump, I can't find work that won't kill my back, I can barely keep up with housework and can only do such for a week or two before I have to take a week or two break recovering or barely anything gets done at all and what's more I can't really have any kind of sexual activity with a partner that doesn't hurt (and trust me, me and Graverg have been trying to make things work). Who would want a dependent, broken, sexually incapable lump to pursue as a romantic partner? This has actually been a bit of a problem in the past with a few potential partners. Not so much that they thought I was a useless lump, but the sexual thing is an issue to most. Because it doesn't seem like a matter of waiting. If things keep going like they are I may not be able to have sex again without a lot of pain. Or at least it would only be a 'once in a blue moon' or 'hopped up on painkillers' sex.
Then there are the family issues going down. My sister is completely selfish and ridiculously emotionally manipulative and abusive. But she's been trying to contact me again lately. I take the advice of my therapist(s) and just not answer, but of course this sparks ridiculous controversy with the rest of my family, each one of them trying to manipulate me into talking to her again. We all know nothing has changed and while they all acknowledge the issues between me and my sister they think I should just break down and take her crap because she's family. Not that my relationship with the rest of them is any better. See my post in the soapbox about me being an autonomous adult and them not seeing it for a look into some of the issues. But there are more. 23 years worth of more...
So here I am, sitting up because I can't sleep I'm in so much pain. Doctors can't do anything for me, and refuse to give me anything to deal with it because my family doc is so worried about me getting physically addicted. I'm afraid of that too though, my family has a history of getting easily physically addicted to things, so even if I had something I don't know if I'd take them. Broken enough not to be able to work more than a few weeks without needing months of recovery, but because my doctors don't really want to get into any paperwork and hassle they refuse to sign documents that would allow me to apply for any kind of disability. They keep saying "just get to physio" but I have been. I go until my insurance runs out, which is usually less than half of the recommended 'treatment time' by the physiotherapist. Even so, I've gone the full treatment time by forking over my own cash a few times and nothing got better. With the type of injury I have it wont get better. They tell me to strengthen my core muscles and lose weight. When I attempt to work out and strengthen my core muscles my back gets to the point it is now. I am eating healthfully but that's not really helping. Exercise is essential but last time I tried to push through the pain to strengthen myself I ended up in the hell that was last October (not sleeping for three weeks straight, incredible pain all day every day and all night, pain running down my legs as well and feeling like I was always on fire). I only was working out for three and a half weeks this time before things have gotten so much worse. And I was taking it easy this time and doing things recommended to me.
I don't know how I can win. I don't see how I'm going to ever come out ahead. But even ******** coming out ahead. I just want a normal life. Where I can choose to have sex, where I'm not in pain 24/7, where I'm not so trapped and can do something with my life. But I keep moving forward. Keep seeing more doctors seeing if someone will give me good news eventually, keep trying to get in better shape to put less stress on my back, to keep going through with my education so that maybe I could have a desk job somewhere so I'm not breaking myself standing and walking all day long.
Please forgive this post. I'm really just frustrated and need to vent. Things usually look better in the morning. This was just a very painful day and a lot of things just came bubbling up today. I may delete this post later when I'm feeling better. I don't like hanging on to so much negativity, but at the same time I hate to forget it.
During the good times, sometimes I forget the bad. When I forget the bad times I think I'm crazy. Like my injury is all in my head and I'm just making excuses, faking or lying to myself. One therapist I went to was actually not a very good one and tried to convince me that it was all psychosomatic. Made me afraid it was all in my head, or perhaps it was just a tiny thing that I was blowing out of proportion. I'm glad I got that last MRI done because now I at least have solid evidence, a CD I can see my spine on and went to a doctor who explained it all to me. I know it's not psychosomatic, I know physiotherapy won't make the issues in the spine better. It's real and it's here. But even so, when things are good they are *good*. I still feel pain, but only a 2-3 out of 10 a day, which really isn't much anymore. During those times I think I can handle a job that I'm qualified for, fast food, retail, though I still don't delude myself to thinking I could do factory work or something (which for my education level in this city those are pretty much my only options :/). But after just three weeks of mild, controlled workouts (less than an hour a day usually) I get to this state where I can't sleep and I feel like s**t. So yeah, I could get a job... but I'd have to leave it in a month or so. No one will hire me anyway. No one wants that liability. But I can't just lie about my capabilities to get the job either.
Bah.
I guess I went into more detail that what I thought I would. I guess I just need to get it out. Like I said, I might delete this later, so no need to pay much mind to it. Just a little pity-party of one.
There is plenty in my life to be happy about and grateful for. Graverg being such an amazing partner is one of those things, my friends (a small but nice group, including many of you guildies), food in my belly, roof over my head and a wonderful band of pets keeping me company, access to internet, ability to get a post-secondary education, a bunch of things. But I'm just frustrated and hurt at the moment and it can be hard to focus on the good in these moments. But I try... and regardless keep moving forward.
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Posted: Thu Jun 02, 2011 7:22 am
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Posted: Thu Jun 02, 2011 7:34 am
heart
Mame, I've been fighting the urge to ask for a while...and if you tell me to butt out I'll understand. I'm going to give in and ask anyways. What is this back injury? I'm no doctor, I admit...but I do have a fairly solid understanding, and hope to get back into school later for physical therapy.
As to employment, I've pestered Diana to get in here and message you. I know she works from home in the Halifax area doing customer service, she may be able to help you out with getting into that company. It may not be much, but something is better than nothing, yes?
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Posted: Thu Jun 02, 2011 10:34 am
Saew heart Mame, I've been fighting the urge to ask for a while...and if you tell me to butt out I'll understand. I'm going to give in and ask anyways. What is this back injury? I'm no doctor, I admit...but I do have a fairly solid understanding, and hope to get back into school later for physical therapy. As to employment, I've pestered Diana to get in here and message you. I know she works from home in the Halifax area doing customer service, she may be able to help you out with getting into that company. It may not be much, but something is better than nothing, yes? Basically the disc between L4 and L5 segments of my spine is dried up like a husk. I got hit in hockey which caused fractures to the disc which made the disc dry out. It's also bulging out the back a little bit and pressing on the nerves in my spinal column (hence the pain in my legs). That along with a bunch of scar tissue make for a fairly painful experience. My muscles in my lower back are also under a lot of strain from this which causes other muscles to try to compensate so my whole back neck and shoulders are usually very sore and all the muscles in my back and legs are prone to very bad cramps if I'm not very careful. I'm doing what I can for the muscle issue, using my benefits for massage therapy but that only covers about once every two or three months so it's not all that helpful. I've tried a variety of types of physio to help with it, none seem to work and I've been outright told that they won't and I just need to strengthen core muscles and lose weight. Oh I don't want you to pester Diana about it. I'll figure this thing out. I'm frustrated right now, but I will work things out. Actually there is a job at the university that would be pretty much perfect that I have my eye on. It's internal right now, but because of the low pay grade (it's the lowest) and the few hours (only 4 a day) it doesn't seem like anyone who already has a job with the school would really want it. So I'm keeping an eye on the external postings for it to come up. If it does I'm confident in my ability to get into the position, I know a fair number of people at the university and Graverg's going to help me out with my resume and prepping me for the interview. So I've got my fingers crossed for this. It's no guarantee, but it's a better opportunity than I've had in a long while. So, you know, silver linings, hope, all that jazz. I was just bitter and sore last night. *many hugs back* Thanks Riri ^_^
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Posted: Thu Jun 02, 2011 6:32 pm
*winces* I can only imagine how much that hurts sad I've had several friends with all sorts of back injuries, but been lucky to avoid any major ones myself.
As for pestering Diana...I've been pestering her off and on to check the guild more often anyways wink Gaia is a bit overwhelming to her, but we talk almost every day either by text or yahoo. The information couldn't hurt as a possible backup plan. I know I've needed those before sweatdrop Still hoping you get this job at the university heart
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Posted: Thu Jun 02, 2011 9:37 pm
Mame; have you tried yoga to help work out some back pain? My sciatica has pretty much gone away after doing a few specific poses after work.
Also, cortisone shots? That worked wonders for my mom's knee.
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Posted: Fri Jun 03, 2011 3:33 am
I know it's illegal and all but.. have you ever considered weed? I mean, it's not terribly expensive and it's pretty easy to find. It works as well as a pain killer as a lot of the stuff they'd give you, but the addictive qualities are nowhere near opiates.
Haha, I'll just take my bad advice and go. Sorry. It's just an idea. sweatdrop
I hope you feel better soon, at any rate.
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Posted: Fri Jun 03, 2011 8:00 am
Blackrose_Knight Mame; have you tried yoga to help work out some back pain? My sciatica has pretty much gone away after doing a few specific poses after work. Also, cortisone shots? That worked wonders for my mom's knee. Yeah. Actually the yoga is always incorporated into my activity routine. It can help a bit but makes it worse after awhile. Short term it's decent unless I'm in the midst of a bad flare up, but in the long run it tends to just be more painful. Isn't cortisone just essentially a powerful anti-inflammatory? I've tried various sorts of anti-inflammatory solutions in the past but they don't really help. Inflammation usually isn't the problem (it can be sometimes, but not most of the time and so anti-inflammatories don't really do anything for it). But thanks for the suggestions. Daemon Von Blaque I know it's illegal and all but.. have you ever considered weed? I mean, it's not terribly expensive and it's pretty easy to find. It works as well as a pain killer as a lot of the stuff they'd give you, but the addictive qualities are nowhere near opiates.
Haha, I'll just take my bad advice and go. Sorry. It's just an idea. sweatdrop
I hope you feel better soon, at any rate. Haha. Don't worry about it. Thanks for the well wishes. The thing is regular pain killers, over the counters and prescribed, don't really work for me unless they give me the strong stuff. But they refuse to give me the strong stuff (they will only give me up to T2s but all they to is make me nauseous but otherwise not much change). So I don't really feel right taking something that will eventually destroy my stomach and liver, that I can get physically addicted to but that doesn't really work all that well. So it's something I've at least considered, if only for my really bad flare ups to help me sleep. But I'd honestly much prefer staying on the legal route for various reasons so it's not exactly something I've thought about as a long-term solution.
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Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2011 5:18 pm
I feel like the Space core, except I'm exploding with excitement at nearly everything, not just space. I think this is what it feels like to be overstimulated. I don't think I've ever felt like this before. Or at least not often enough to be housed in my memorybanks anyways.
On the plus side: EVERYTHING IS WONDERFUL! eek
Well, not really. But it seems to be. Which is a nice feeling for once.
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Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2011 6:56 pm
Mameoyashi I feel like the Space core, except I'm exploding with excitement at nearly everything, not just space. I think this is what it feels like to be overstimulated. I don't think I've ever felt like this before. Or at least not often enough to be housed in my memorybanks anyways. On the plus side: EVERYTHING IS WONDERFUL! eek Well, not really. But it seems to be. Which is a nice feeling for once. *clicks the like button* wink I'm happy for you, Mame
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Posted: Fri Jun 24, 2011 5:41 pm
It's done.
It's doneIt's doneIt's doneIt's doneIt's doneIt's doneIt's doneIt's doneIt's doneIt's doneIt's doneIt's doneIt's doneIt's doneIt's doneIt's doneIt's doneIt's doneIt's doneIt's doneIt's doneIt's done!!!!!!!!!! burning_eyes
heart
Freaking essay is done. It's probably terrible. I really don't like how it turned out. I was daunted by the 15 pages at the start, but ended up writing 17 (at least for Times New Roman, standard size 12, but he didn't specify and I'd already written 15 full pages in Calibri 11 by accident, so that's what it is now). But I didn't have enough room for hardly anything! It is a mess : <
But it's done. And submitted. So I can't care anymore .What will be, will be.
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