Welcome to Gaia! ::

kk. Let's try this again. (Is Katelyn a weird spelling? o.o I thought that was basic...)

Name: Katelyn Brunel (Ai Zhaoling is her Chinese name)

Age: 16

Alignment: Suffra

Special Abilities: flight: She could probably fly for about half an hour without being tired out.
Energy Blasts: Blasts of blue energy from her hands that probably are about as strong as a punch right now. Like most pure energy, they're very hot.
Energy Shields: A spherical shield, that can probably fit about three people. Can deflect bullets, but probably nothing stronger than that.

Appearance: Katelyn has a slender build and barely reaches 5'3. Her long hair changed from brown to dark blue after her first eruption; she wears it tied back into a braid. Her eyes are a deep brown. It is obvious from her facial features and pale skin that she is from oriental descent. She generally wears clothing that is either blue or purple and prefers jeans and long skirts to shorts (though she has a fair amount of the latter two in her closet).

Personality: Katelyn is a very introverted person. The only time she loosens up is when she is with friends. She is always polite and respectful to elders, but will not stand for discrimination and ignorance.

Sexual Orientation: Katelyn thinks of herself as straight, but if there was someone she really loved, I suppose anything can happen. Not likely, though.

Katelyn was christened Ai Zhaoling when she was born in China. Soon after, her father died and she and her mother moved them to Europe to search for some of her distant cousins. When they arrived, the cousins were nowhere to be found, so they began to rent out an apartment. Her mother gave her the name Katelyn, so that she could adjust more. Whenever they were in private, though, she always called her daughter by her given name.

When she was four, her mother began teaching her how to play the Erhu, a two-stringed violin-like instrument. About a year later, her mother married a man who at the time seemed like a good person. It wasn't till about a year later that he began to abuse both Katelyn and her mother. Her mother wanted to do something, but was afraid for her daughter's safety. This began to annoy Katelyn a few years later. In fact, she herself tried to report him once, but that only ended with a black eye. She decided it would be wise not to do it again.

Tensions at Katelyn's home were very high. Whenever her step-father would enter the room, Katelyn's mother would instantly begin to cater to his every whim, whether it be food, drink, or...other pleasures. Whenever this happened, Katelyn would make her way to her upstairs room, lock the door, and play her beloved erhu for hours on end. Whenever she was at school, she would dive into the work in front of her, just to get her mind off of her troubled home life.

Nine years later, Katelyn's mother gave birth to a boy. Her stepfather was overjoyed, and the beatings almost entirely stopped. When the boy was nine months old, though, it was discovered that he was entirely deaf. Katelyn came home from school that day, and witnessed her stepfather beating the child. Overcome with rage, Katelyn erupted, sending a wave of blue energy towards her stepfather. It nearly killed the man. Her mother called the paramedics, but both the baby and her stepfather died within the next week.

As there was still very little known about eruption, Katelyn's charges of manslaughter were dropped, and she lived with her mother in relative happiness for the next year.

*starts to clap* VERY nice job. You are the first person to post a character here, face our evaluations, and get approved. Congratulations. I will tell you that I don't mind whether or not your character is straight or bi. I'll leave that up to you. If you want to put her back to being bi, that's fine, or you can keep her that way. It's just a bit a difference of style between Merlinic and I. Just PM me and let me know which you prefer. I'll already have your name and profile in the accepted section, feel free to begin playing anytime.
Welcome to the Galvan Nova Academy.

Oh man. I'm going to step up and be the first to take adavntage of the option for someone other than MM or krome to con-crit something posted here. While there are SEVERAL things I'm going to say about this character concept, I'm obviously not the mod of the GNA RP, so take the chainsawing for what it's worth. (Just PLEASE at least take some of it sweatdrop )

Let's start with the name. It's beautiful - but it's not realistic at all. If "Rhiannon" has been deemed perhaps on the borderline of normal (without an explanation), "Daystar Clarion" looks to be sinking with a cinderblock around its neck. I notice you put at the bottom that this charater is an adaptation of another character who was an old and powerful dragon ( stare More on that later.). I'm guessing that's why the name is so... unusual. However, since you've changed some things already - for added realism? xp - maybe you shouuld think about making her name more normal. After all, she was mysteriously left at an orphanage. Where did her name come from, then? Was it written with the detailed instructions for her later training? Or did the orphanage staff pick it for her? In the latter case, I have to say that it would seem to me to be a tad strange that the likely overworked, pressed-for-time people there would have taken the time to select such an, um, lyrical name. To put it more bluntly, a name like "Daystar Clarion" (without any description of the history behind it) makes the character immediately look like a Mary Sue. It is, in fact, what I would call a Warning Sign. Unless there's some deeply rooted reason in the character's personal/family history, I would strongly suggest changing it.

Next: the powers. Again, we see the dragon influence. Healing is great - "Star Fire," however, makes me cringe. First, what on earth is it? You say that it's hotter than normal fire, that it's white, that it's explosive - and that it's "Ether"? Are you referring to the chemical (in which case I might concede some feasibility), or the mystical substance (in which case this particular power should be taken out and shot)? For one thing, krome just said that pyrokenisis is not an acceptable power for awhile due to it's overuse. Whether you call your particular brand of firepower "Ether" or "Star Fire" or whatever, it's still fire. In fact, it's worse than just pyrokenisis, because it's so... "mysticized." It's white and explosive - it's uber-fire. It's another Warning Sign of a Mary Sue. The good hearing and sense of smell are very good choices, however, because they're within the realm of feasibility, and they have extra justification because your character is blind. I might even buy the "sensitive to certain vibes" bit, if you'd only define WHAT vibes she is sensitive to, and how exactly she responds to them. Does her hair stand up when she senses that someone is angry? Does she get chills whenever someone around her is in danger? As unspecified as it is, that power looks like a preemptive pass-phrase for seat-of-the-pants godmoding; "As the two friends were talking in the hall, Daystar suddenly sensed a feeling of foreboding. Perhaps their cheery demeanor was not what it appeared at first glance to be? -insert Jaws theme music- Daystar focused her mind in an attempt to discover more." It just provides a way for your character to "find out" random secret information that she couldn't plausibly know, which is a potentially MAJOR plot disruption. Trust me, that's 'uber'-irritating.

Now we come to the appearance. The physical description is fine - except for the fact that, depending on the reason for her blindness, her eyes might actually be cloudy or white, not green. Ordinarily I'd object to the "a bit unnerving" part, but here it works since, again, she's blind. However, in order for that justification to work, there has to have been some physical effect of the blindness on her eyes, which you haven't indicated. There's also some stuff in here that really belongs in the Special Abilities section - namely the Sight and the "sensitive to auras and feelings" phrase. Again, while I think extrasensory perceptions are a great power for a blind character to have, these look to need some revision and detailed description (especially of their limitations), because, as I said, right now they're vague to the point where they prompt godmoding.

I have nothing to say about her personality except that you might want to think about fleshing it out a little - if not in the profile, then at least in the RP itself.

I like the Sexual Orientation description. You gave her a realistic flaw, and you didn't make her bi! xd Props to you for that.

About her history: oh boy. First off: "her powers became manifest"? That's not at all the detailed description of Eruption that krome seems to be looking for, and it's phrased in a way that suggests you really have no idea. Considering that the trigger for Eruption seems to be great trauma or a life-threatening situation of some kind, one would think that the cause of Eruption would be a prominent memory for any character, and may in many cases play in to the character's conception of how that power should be used, which in turn is a very important and telling part of the charter's personality. To simply gloss over that entire thing with "her powers became manifest" leaves a big hole, one which I suspect krome will insist that you fill. Also, about her "special education" at the orphanage - all I have to say is that this must have been one hell of an orphanage. Honestly, the average orphanage simply does not have money to train random kids to be martial arts experts. I'll accept the singing recitals, as it doesn't take money to put kids in front of a room full of chairs and have them sing, but I'll agree with you that it is "surprising" that she was taught self-defense at the orphanage - way too surprising. I'd buy a basic knowledge of the "hit them in a vulnerable place and run for help" variety, but saying that "she kicks butt," or that she was trained according to certain special secret instructions, is a tad too much.

And, seriously... stressed . You modified this character from "a dragon who was super old and super skilled"?? No WONDER there are so many hidden loopholes for godmoding. Do remember that your character is only 15, won't you? Sometimes, especially when the two characters and their RP worlds of origin are so different, it's really better to create a new character than modify the old one. After reading both this profile and that tagline at the end, it's my feeling that this is definately one of those times.

But again, remember that I'm not krome. Any and all opinions voiced above are exactly that - my opinions. However, I can't help but think that at least MM will agree with me on a lot of it.

And finally, I'm planning on posting my own application to the Galvan Academy as soon as I get it finished - I just have to work on the Histroy section. So you'll eventually have the chance to do the same to me. wink

Extra stuff: Healing? What the hell kind of healing? Does she heal others, does she just heal fast herself--how the hell does it work? Aside from the fact that I would suggest a toned down version of it in the first place since she has other powers too.

And echolocation or whatever does, as Akali said, fit with the blindness issue--but please, don't make it just Real Sightv2 because you don't want to deal with the limitations blindness would really lead to. Maybe make the necessary sounds for it audible on a human level, so that everyone always knows when she's looking somewhere; also, note the fact that she's only going to get glimpses at any point in time, never completely continuous pictures. Also, how much detail do the sound waves give her? Can she distinguish between facial expressions, or must she rely on other clues for things like that?

Did you really have to go so far as 'left on the steps as a baby'? A few centuries ago, maybe, but come on now... I suppose it might be possible, but I don't see the idea coming out as anything more than an angst point.

Her dreams show richly furnished surroundings? So assuming her dreams are true, she came from money? Then why the hell was she left on the doorstep? Financial problems would've been one motivation for the orphan thing, but you're cutting yourself off there.

Sorrow, rage, and betrayal? *Coughcoughhackhack* I have a feeling the reason you wrote that is somehow tied to the reason for the richly furnished surroundings. And both of them are pointing to some sort of future "She's really an uber-__ and she just never knew"... Which, of course, isn't Mary-Sueish at all.

Ahh, must go off to class. Looking forward to the second version now...

((and since I'm PMSing, I'll add))

THANK YOU FOR &@!!*&^ UP MY DAY!!!

Name: Gabrielle Minamoto (Gabs, Gabby)

Age: 16

Alignment: N/A

Special Abilities: She is brilliant with a fire arm, had has uncanny aim and precision with any gun that is put in her hand. Metalkenesis(?) Since I don't know the scientific name for metal that'll have to do. Mind speak, (will be explained later)

Appearance: Her skin is bronze, or in other words she is a dark skinned girl. Her eyes are honey brown with flecks of gold in them, these are only seen if you're looking at them up close however. Her hair is true black and quite wavy, as usual it is uncooperative, she keeps it short, fallign to her shoulders and down. Her face is oval, and her eyes are a bit slanted. She has a delicate nose, not wide set like her mothers but she gets her full lips from her mother. She also has her mother's height, "model height" she will be close to 6' when she finally stops growing.

Personality: Aside form her disorder, Gabrielle can be very upbeat and fun to be around. She is very optomistic, and will sometime cause mischeif in the name of fun. She is a hard worker, very loyal to her friends. She does however have her dark days when she is inexplicably moody, withdrawn and very sad looking.

Sexual Orientation: Boys, only boys.

History: She was born and raised to a very wealthy family. Ryu Minamoto, her father and Justice Jacksaon, her mother, were very loving, but not totally indulgent though they could have been. They were determined to to have a spoiled child. Justice said, "We won't be havin' none of that!" Anyway, her father is a lawyer and her mothe was a singer who volunteered at the community center regularly. One day while entering the community center...which is in the "ghetto" of the city, she was shot in a drive by shooting. She only had time to shove Gabby out of the way. She didn' die immediately, she was hospitalized and fell into a coma. Ryu and Gabby watched as she died slowly. She stopped talkign after her mother's death and the shrinks her father made her go to toldher father that it was a phsychological thing, her reaction to her mother's death and that she'd get over it eventually. She didn't get over it as soon as desired, however. Her father had sign language taught to her.
Around this time, Gabby discovered her love for metal working. When her father saw that, he took it as a good thing, a way for her to get her mind off of her sorrow. He allowed her to pursue the hobby. Not too long after that, when her father was yelling at her for accidently causign a fire in the work shop, yelled right back at him. Not with her mouth or vocal cords however, he had heard her voice in his head. When he told her to do it again, she couldnt bue she practiced, remembering what she had done, how she had felt until she could do it on cue. She doesn't like using mind speak a lot, she still uses sign language when she grows tired of mind speaking, she also doesn't mind speak with those she does not trust.
And not too long after she had mastered mind speak she found out her ability to maniupulate metal when seh stopped a car from hitting her friend who was in the street buy overturning it. She has not mastered this ability at all but can do little things, like lift small metal objects in the air and whatnot. She was able to move the care because she had been emotional.

((I hope this satisfies.))

OK EVERYONE JUST SHUT THE ******** UP.

I'm REALLY pissed right now. Not just at this thread, but since this is the straw that broke the camel's back you all get to hear a piece of my mind.

This is a critique thread. So that's what's going to happen. We're going to do everything we can to shred your character. NOT because we're mean, but to improve the structure of your characters. We may come off harsh. It happens. However it IS in your best interest in improving how you think out a character and how you set up your character.

Now, this is NOT a place to get offended. That is one of the things I stated. There will be NO grudges held. *points to Merlinic* She is VERY good at skewering both roleplays and characters. Even I'M afraid of her. But at the same time, i KNOW when I talk to her that i'm not going to get bullshit. She's going to tell me what she really thinks and why, and what she thinks could be improved. I may not always agree or do what she says and since Galvan IS my roleplay that's my perogative, But I ALWAYS listen.

She and I don't always see eye to eye on certain things. We may disagree wholeheartedly with each other. However, I'm glad we have different ideas and preferences. I don't want to make you all into cookie cutter roleplayers. Merlinic and I disagree completely at times (particularly about hair color) But that doesn't change the fact that she one of the best people I know for evaluating. Though she and her friend may have been a little harsh in doing so, there was a warning about our meanness.

Don't get me wrong Scarlett, i agree with almost all of what they said. If you want us to PM you our evaluations that isn't a problem.

However I will tell you not to fret or to be insulted. I have had evaluations of people's character that look far worse than that! Ask Aynara. She went through 12 different evaluations before I okeyed her character. (yes she told me it was ok to mention her name publically) And just last month she won the donation letter i've been giving away monthly to members of my roleplay for impressive roleplaying.


Scarlet I wll look at your character application when I'm not in such a pissy mood. That way i have an open mind when reading it.

Yeah, I figured she was one of those close-to-heart characters; with time it'll probably get easier to see her objectively...

Name: Gabrielle Minamoto (Gabs, Gabby)
Age: 16
Alignment: [Unknown]

Special Abilities: She is brilliant with a fire arm, had has uncanny aim and precision with any gun that is put in her hand. Metalkenesis(?) Since I don't know the scientific name for metal that'll have to do. Mind speak, (will be explained later)

--kinesis, spelling-wise, but I'm also unsure of the more scientific version of 'metal' without talking to a teacher or summat. Just rephrase it to something like 'can control the movement of metal' if need be.

Clarify for me: Mind speak is only one way, from her to others? And she definitely has no ability to work her way into other minds, like a regular telepathic?

But now, where in the world did this firearm thing come from? There's no support for it in your history (but note: saying that she went to a shooting range after school every day for five years to support it that way wouldn't be a good idea either, since if her mother was killed by a bullet I doubt she'd want much to do with them).

In any case, uncanny aim and percision is acceptable only if it doesn't mean perfection. Though the Novas probably won't be involved in any guerilla warfare any time soon, team practices will probably amount to something similar on occasion--and a character that hits her mark every single freakin' time because she has 'uncanny aim' is going to be nothing less than "******** annoying" (to quote a fellow) to everyone else after awhile. She can be talented, yes--but keep it under control...

Now, unless you come up with some acceptable sort of 'support' like I mentioned above, you're probably going to have to scrap this talent altogether. Here's an idea to keep some semblance of it, though: she's never had much experience with firearms, but if she were introduced to them in-roleplay--which could happen in Nova training but would probably be unlikely otherwise--, her metal-moving skills would give her a considerable edge on the average beginner. From there, she could in time develop the precision and accuracy you were talking about.

Appearance: Her skin is bronze, or in other words she is a dark skinned girl. Her eyes are honey brown with flecks of gold in them, these are only seen if you're looking at them up close however. Her hair is true black and quite wavy, as usual it is uncooperative, she keeps it short, fallign to her shoulders and down. Her face is oval, and her eyes are a bit slanted. She has a delicate nose, not wide set like her mothers but she gets her full lips from her mother. She also has her mother's height, "model height" she will be close to 6' when she finally stops growing.

Okay. I know krome is being permissive with beautiful appearances, but that doesn't really keep me from sighing my head off over every new one. Here's how I would would write that first bit without all the sickly little 'pretty' adjectives: Gabrielle is dark-skinned and has brown eyes and shoulder-length, wavy, uncooperative black hair. Ta-dum, you're done with that--you can leave it up to your fellow roleplayers to fill in the nice adjectives like 'bronze' and 'honey' and 'true black' when their characters get into the romantic or jealous mindsets that would actually see her that way. Here, though, and in your own posts, being literal rather than euphemistic is much preferred (or at least to me it is. I am now perpetually sich of hearing about honey/emerald/onyx eyes and chocolate/fiery/platinum hair...Bleck. Makes me retch.).

The other details--the oval face thing I've seen on other people's rant lists, but I haven't run into it much myself yet. Slanted eyes actually make sense, since she's half-Asian. The delicate nose (especially when you compared it to her mother's 'not delicate' one) and the full lips are pressing your "Look how beautiful she is!" quota, though [see below]. To me, the future six-foot height is very unbelievable if she's half-Japanese--they do not get tall, and according to a word-of-mouth source, height in particular tends to be an average of your parents'.

Now. Lots of people want to beautiful. So they play beautiful characters. However, I want you (and everyone else that does this, for that matter) to keep in mind that extremely beautiful characters--assssummming that everyone in the roleplay is being realistic themselves--typically cause resentment or just plain indifference with the same sex, not open admiration or an automatic 'desirability' as a future friend (imagine: "Look at her! I want to be friends! Maybe her prettiness will rub off!"). Even with the opposite sex, beauty may not have the intended result--not every guy (or even any guy) will drop to the floor drooling, mentally or otherwise, just because Miss Model walks in the room.

Personality: Aside form her disorder, Gabrielle can be very upbeat and fun to be around. She is very optomistic, and will sometime cause mischeif in the name of fun. She is a hard worker, very loyal to her friends. She does however have her dark days when she is inexplicably moody, withdrawn and very sad looking.

This is an okay personality for just Random Character A, but I find it hard to believe that she has a generally upbeat, optimistic personality when she's still so caught up in the psychological effects of her mother's death she won't talk. I mean, I guess if you've really 'gotten into her head' and figured out that she would probably act like that, it might be possible... But from here, it seems too conflicting to be manageable. Perhaps she does seem to be like that, but it's a fake front? Hm... Knowing my own personality, I think if I went through something like that, I would end up extremely reserved (think 'stone face') and demure...

Sexual Orientation: Boys, only boys.

History: She was born and raised to a very wealthy family. Ryu Minamoto, her father and Justice [Jackson], her mother, were very loving, but not totally indulgent though they could have been. They were determined to to have a spoiled child. Justice said, "We won't be havin' none of that!"

The little interjected quote is odd. Question: from his name, I assume Ryu is Japanese, most likely born in Japan or he'd probably have an American first name instead. What ethnicity is Justice, though? --My guess would be black, but I'm not sure if that's just from other associations with the name...

Anyway, her father is a lawyer and her mothe was a singer who volunteered at the community center regularly.

"Singer"? Are we talking professional singer as an actual job [which I wouldn't recommend], or stay at home mom who volunteered at the community center often and sang in that sort of enviroment?

One day while entering the community center...which is in the "ghetto" of the city, she was shot in a drive by shooting. She only had time to shove Gabby out of the way. She didn' die immediately, she was hospitalized and fell into a coma. Ryu and Gabby watched as she died slowly.

How old was Gabby at the time? Did her father make any effort to spare her from what obviously became a negative emotional experience? The younger she is, the easier it is for me personally to believe that she would just stop talking--however, the older she is, the easier it is to believe that her father didn't keep her separate from her dying mom to, again, spare her from the worst of it.

And if they were part of a very wealthy family, what in the world were they doing at a community center in the ghetto? Try to refrain from playing the charity card--it's one of those in-your-face "Look, she's a good person" things that you don't want to pile up...

She stopped talkign after her mother's death and the shrinks her father made her go to told her father that it was a phsychological thing [and that it was] her reaction to her mother's death and that she'd get over it eventually. She didn't get over it as soon as desired, however. Her father had sign language taught to her.

Now. It is possible that she'd be more willing to communicate with her hands than through her mouth--since it is possible, I'll stay with just my general admonishment to make sure you really know what's going through this character's head. That's going to come out in play more than in profile, but still...

Around this time, Gabby discovered her love for metal working. When her father saw that, he took it as a good thing, a way for her to get her mind off of her sorrow. He allowed her to pursue the hobby. Not too long after that, when her father was yelling at her for accidently causign a fire in the work shop, yelled right back at him.

*Backs up* Wait, what kind of metal working are we talking here? My first assumption was the smaller kind of decorative/jewelry like stuff, but that wouldn't require a full workshop. In other words, what kind of stuff does she build?

Not with her mouth or vocal cords however, he had heard her voice in his head. When he told her to do it again, she couldnt bue she practiced, remembering what she had done, how she had felt until she could do it on cue. She doesn't like using mind speak a lot, she still uses sign language when she grows tired of mind speaking, she also doesn't mind speak with those she does not trust.

Bad grammar, but we'll worry about that after the other stuff's worked out...

And not too long after she had mastered mind speak she found out her ability to maniupulate metal when seh stopped a car from hitting her friend who was in the street buy overturning it. She has not mastered this ability at all but can do little things, like lift small metal objects in the air and whatnot. She was able to move the care because she had been emotional.

If you end up shifting her personality around, the fact that she has a friend close enough to care that much for may have to be reconciled with everything else.