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I get that. gonk

My apologies for being so terribly late. I'll spare you any excuses, though. When I first meant to read this I was overwhelmed by the size and lack of spacing. However, when I started reading, it went by surprisingly fast. I was so enveloped in the story.

I feel really bad for not having a specific thing to point out for you. The main concern for me was getting it read and I figured, by this point, everything has already been brought to your attention anyway. The thing I can offer is just watching your use of pronouns during scenes of high action. Sometimes I had to re-read those statements to realize who exactly was doing what.

This story is so..(let me choose this word carefully).. rich. I love it! This world you've created is so vast and alien compared to modern times, and yet when I'm reading it, I feel as if i know what's going on (i.e. how the government works, what the people do for a living, etc). The characters are deep with colored pasts of their own. It's just generally well-thought out and written.

Hopefully the next time you post an update, I won't take so long to read it. sweatdrop

.:~o*'Isianya'*o~:.

Also... Part one of Chapter Four!!! Sorry it's taking me so long to update; I have twenty eight chapters to edit, three to completely re-write, and a very-important-exam on Friday, and lack the ability to concentrate on all three at once.


Chapter 4:

Sarri was back at her house, in her village. They were poor. The only items in the cramped room were a small chest (in which cooking, cleaning and darning equipment were kept), two chairs, a fireplace and a table. Excluding the brick fireplace, it was all made out of cheap wood; none of it worth a copper coin.
“Father!” she called in Hyn. Why had she done that? These days, she usually spoke Common, the main language of Tiras and most of the surrounding countries. But this wasn’t Tiras, it was her old village in Hyn; why was she here anyway?
“Father!” she called again. A figure lurched in from the bedroom. He stumbled over a bright red rug. Where had that come from?
“You’re not my daughter,” it moaned.
“I am, I am,” she screamed. “Father it’s me, it’s me…”
The figure came closer, towering over her. It was not her father after all, but a stranger. What was he doing in her house? And why was he wearing a black cloak?
“What did you do with him? Get out of my house!” She cried.
“Don’t you know me?” The figure laughed. A high, cruel, mocking laugh.
Sarri knew that laugh, it would be one sound she would never forget.
“Ha’dar,” she whispered, trembling.
The figure advanced on her, sword drawn.
“No, no!” She backed away, but the red rug grew, flowing around her. Not a rug, she realised, but a river of blood. It grew wider and wider, covering the floor, swallowing the walls, swallowing everything, until all she could see was the river, shining in the dim light.
Ha’dar kept on laughing, advancing on her. His long, black cloak billowed around him, reminding Sarri of a demon from the old myths Fen had told her.
“Help me! Fen! Fen, help me!”
“Nobody here to save you now,” mocked the Raider.
“Nobody here to save you now,” echoed millions of disembodied voices.
“Leave me alone!” shrieked Sarri, tears running down her face. “Please, go away. Leave me alone! Help me! Anyone!”
“Anyone?” asked Ha’dar. “Wish granted.”
Shapes started forming from the river, rising, coming towards her.
Sarri screamed, and turned to run. She rushed straight into one of the figures. Blood covered her. She fought to get away; she tried to use her magic but discovered it had gone! Screaming, she hit the figure, which grabbed her wrist with one hand. With the other it held her chin, forcing her head up.
She looked into its face, and screamed again. It was the face of Barbna. Suddenly it changed, and became Vrekdy’s other henchman; then Vrekdy himself. Again the face changed, this time becoming General Cender .
Over and over the faces changed into every dead Raider she’d ever seen, faster and faster until each face was a blur. All of them laughing Ha’dar’s laugh.
“Someone, help me!” she screamed again.
The dead Raider suddenly pushed her away, and she fell into the river. Blood filled her mouth, leaving a foul taste when she surfaced and spat it out.
More Raiders were coming, pulling her down. Bloody, red shapes filled her eyes. Cruel laughter filled her ears. As she fought off one of the demonic shapes another would appear in its place. More and more, until she could resist no longer.
The blood Raiders finally pulled her, screaming and crying for help, under the river.

Fen was startled from his sleep by a blood-curdling scream from the next room.
“What the…Sarri!”
He half leapt, half fell out of bed. Regaining his balance, he gestured at the door between their rooms. It flew open.
Sarri was tossing around in her bed, screeching an unintelligible mix of Hyn and Common, tears running down her cheeks.
He ran towards her, almost tripping on her shoes, then quickly lit the lamp on the wall with his magic.
“Sarri, Sarri, wake up,” he said, shaking her. “Sarri, it’s ok, it’s just a dream. Wake up.”
A click behind him announced Ipeth’s arrival.
“How did you get in here?” Fen demanded.
“Picked th’ lock. What in Kenah is happenin’ t’ her?”
“Bad dream,” he replied shortly, turning back to Sarri.
“Yeah, I can see that,” retorted Ipeth. He sounded scared, and it took a lot to scare the Rogue.
“Help!” Sarri screamed in Hyn. She lashed out. Fen grabbed her wrist before it hit him in the face.
The screaming stopped. Sarri’s eyes were open, and looking around wildly. She was shaking. Sweat had broken out on her face. She spotted Fen, and started screaming again.
“Sarri, it’s me, it’s Fen. Remember? It’s ok, it was just a dream.”
She stopped screaming, and stared at him.
“Fen?” she whispered, as if trying to remember.
“That’s right, Fen,” he murmured, as though talking to a small child. He stroked her hair off her face. It felt slightly damp from tears and sweat. “I’m here, nothing’s going to hurt you.”
Sarri slowly sat up, still shaking. “They’re gone?”
Fen nodded. “They’re gone. It’s ok, it was just a…” he broke off as Sarri lent forward and buried her head in his chest. He felt her tears soak into his shirt. Awkwardly, he put his arms round her.
“There were more faces,” she told him, trembling even more violently. “Three more.” She started crying again.
“Hush now,” Fen whispered in reply. “They can’t hurt you. It’s ok. It’s ok.”
Unconsciously he tightened his grip, rocking her slightly.
“Don’t cry Sarri, they can’t get you.” Then, even more softly “I won’t let them.”
Fen realised what he had said. Where on Kenah had that come from? Thankfully, Sarri gave no sign of having heard, and Ipeth certainly had not; he was just staring at them open-mouthed.
“Some dream,” he murmured slowly.

... biggrin Aw, people on here keep making me feel very happy at the moment.
Thank you so much!
I will warn you, however, for the last six months or so I haven't really put anything up on bebo: a) there's been a lot of novel-stealing from people I know, and b) I'm a bit stuck on my rewrite of chaper 5 (well, not so much stuck as lacking in time).
But still, I'm really glad you like this, and I'll keep putting bits up whenever I can do so. smile

I am going to print this out and check for anything. Plus, I'm far better at paying attention on paper. ^^

Firstly, I will eventually get round to all the suggestions made for change so far, and thanks to everyone who's commented. I just want to get all my mega edits sorted first.

Secondly, the latest installment!

Chapter 4: Part two


It took half an hour before Fen managed to calm Sarri enough for her to let go of him. By this time she was so exhausted that she fell asleep almost immediately.
“Fen, what happens in that dream t’ scare her like that?” Ipeth eventually plucked up the courage to ask. “I mean, I’ve known her fer a good bit o’er a year now, she don’ scare that easy.”
“There are some things that are private,” Fen told him.
“Ok. Ain’t yeh goin’ back t’ bed?”
“I want to keep an eye on Sarri for a while.”
Sarri stirred slightly, and muttered something under her breath.
“Shh,” muttered Fen. “It’s ok.”
The rogue waited until Sarri had settled again, then continued, “Fen, yeh really don’ look too good. Why don’ yeh jus’ go back t’ bed? If yeh’re that worried ‘bout her then I’ll keep an eye…”
“I’m fine!” Trust Ipeth to get sympathetic now. “I’m just slightly drained from those Glamours.”
Fen refused to tell Ipeth the truth. He was exhausted, partly from worrying about Sarri, partly from using so much magic. He may be a black robe, but casting decent Glamours on a number of people took a lot of energy.
“Yeah, I’ve been meanin’ t’ ask yeh, how come yeh put so many more layers on Sarri’s Glamour than your own?”
Fen frowned at him. “What?”
“I can see through Glamours.”
“Yes, I know that,” he replied, irritably. “But what do you mean layers?”
“Yeh’ve probably got some posh name fer it. I mean different layers on th’ Glamour, makin’ it better. The first layer is the skin an’ hair, stuff like that. Most Glamours, like th’ one yeh had on yeh, only have one more layer which makes it look real instead of like it was carved out o’ wood or somethin’.”
After a moment’s thought, Fen realised what the rogue meant.
“I think you mean the tentas,” he replied. “They’re a bit like layers. Can you see them? What does it look like?”
“Mages! Yeh think o’ nothin’ but learnin’ once yeh get started. An’ I only sense the layers. Ok?”
Fen was distracted again by Sarri moving, so he only grunted in reply.
“Anyway, there were loads of those whatsit-things in the Glamour yeh put round her,” Ipeth continued, jerking his head at Sarri. “They were disguisin’ everythin; height, th’ shape o’ her face, her build, I think I even found one that had somethin’ t’ do with her finger nails! Why in the name of Fortea…?”
Fen glared at the Rogue. “For the gods’ sakes keep your voice down; you know as well as I do that worshipping Fortea is forbidden!”
The temples of the goddess of mages and wisdom had been closed when magic was outlawed in Tiras, hundreds of years before. If a person was suspected of worshipping Fortea, they were accused of using magic, and suffered the same penalties as mages. The least of these was exile, the worst: death, in many forms.
“Sorry, slip o’ th’ tongue. So why did yeh put such a detailed Glamour on her?”
Fen groaned. When Ipeth wanted to find out something he was like a dog with a bone.
“I have responsibilities, something you wouldn’t know about.”
“Hey, that’s not fair,” protested Ipeth. “I have responsibilities, like t’ my gang. An’ I look after my Ma an’…”
“The point is that Sarri is my student and my friend,” cut in Fen, wanting to end the conversation as quickly as possible. “I never wanted her to get involved in our business. I only let her come because she kept asking me and Paco authorised it. If I hadn’t taken her on then she wouldn’t have to be running round killing people. It’s as good as my fault she gets these dreams,” he finished bitterly. The idea that he’d caused her suffering made him feel sick.
“Spare me the guilt trip,” Ipeth said unfeelingly. “I know enough t’ know that if yeh hadn’t found Sarri she’d be dead. Now have I got this right? Yeh feel bad she’s doin’ this job, even though she wants t’ do it and knows the risks, ‘cos after every job she has this Dream. So yeh protect her loads to make her safer, even though she doesn’t know yeh are ‘cos if she did she’d tell yeh t’ stop it.”
Ipeth paused to catch his breath, before continuing, “So yeh feel better ‘cos yeh know she’s safe ‘cos people won’t recognise her but yeh also lose loads of power which puts yeh in a bad mood an’ makes yeh snap out at people…”
“Like you,” sighed Fen, wondering how much longer this would go on.
“Right. Now if this is right yeh’re being a bit selfish really, ‘cos the only one who gets any good out of all this is yeh, though t’ be fair I get a good laugh about yeh usin’ one of those ten-whatsits to make her finger nails look shorter. Now are yeh slightly selfish, but with good intentions or is there somethin’ I ain’t thought of, like yeh being in love with her or somethin’!?”
Fen gaped at him in amazement. “And I thought I went on,” he said weakly.
“T’ put it bluntly yeh do when yeh get goin’. Now answer th’ question.”
“Not when the question is so blatantly ridiculous.”
“Fine, be like that. I won’ try t’ help again.” Ipeth yawned. “I’m gonna go an’ get some sleep. See yeh in th’ mornin’.” He glanced over at Sarri. “She looks different when she’s asleep, don’ she. Sort o’, I dunno, jus’ different.”
Fen looked at her carefully. Sarri’s head was tilted over to one side, showing off the contrast between the roundness of her chin and her slightly pointed nose. Closed eyelids hid her deep brown eyes. Her eyebrows were creased together in a frown, which kept getting hidden by her hair; it had somehow managed to fall in her face again.
Fen smiled, Sarri’s hair was the bane of her life. In the last few years it had become what Sarri called ‘a huge, curly mess’. It wasn’t really that bad. Once she’d brushed and tied it back it looked very nice; curly hair suited her. She’d also cut it from below hip length to half way down her ribs, in an attempt to tame it. She refused to cut her hair shorter. Her father had once told her he liked her hair when she was young.
There were still tears visible on her face. But as far as Fen was concerned they didn’t stop Sarri looking any less beautiful.
There it was again! What was the matter with him? These thoughts were in his head all the time. It was odd, you weren’t supposed to think about friends like that. Maybe Ipeth was right, and he was…No! It couldn’t be that. Not in a thousand years.
“If you keep lookin’ at her like that yeh will have people thinkin’ yeh have feelin’s for her,” joked Ipeth.
“What? Ipeth, that’s…” Fen struggled to find the words for it. “Stupid! Honestly, at times I wonder if you ever think of anything else. It’s wrong, I’m years older…”
“Hey, I was jokin’!” exclaimed Ipeth, taking a step back. “I think lack of sleep’s gone t’ yeh head, yeh’ve lost yeh sense o’ humour. Hey, I’ve jus’ thought…”
“How painful for you,” Fen said, dryly.
“Ha, ha. No, really, how comes nobody came t’ see what was goin’ on?”
Fen shrugged. He suspected people were afraid of what they might find.
“Reckon they were scared they’d get eaten or somethin’?”
Glaring at Ipeth, Fen hissed, “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Well, that shriekin’ o’ hers made me think o’ a Wind Demon…”
“Made you think of a what?!” Fen struggled to keep his voice down.
Wind Demons were mythical creatures that, according to legend, assumed the form of a thin, waif-like woman and inhabited abandoned castles or lonely forests. The places they lived in were deserted because their terrible screaming made most run away. Those who didn’t run were driven mad, and always ended up as the Demon’s dinner. A notorious tavern in Tira (the capital of Tiras) was named The Demon’s Song, and was the headquarters for Demon’s Teeth, Ipeth’s Rogue gang.
“I’m only tellin’ yeh what it sounded like…”
“You’d better get back to your room, Ipeth, before I get my dagger and cut off…”
Fen never got a chance to tell Ipeth what he was going to cut off, as at that point Ipeth slammed the door, muttering under his breath about “touchy mages”.
“Rogues,” Fen said to the peacefully oblivious Sarri. “They don’t know the meaning of the word subtle. Say the first thing that comes into their heads, it’s the same with all…”
Sarri’s eyelids fluttered open.
“Who’s that?” she asked, yawning.
“It’s Fen,” he told her. “Go back to sleep.”
“Oh, ok.” Sarri closed her eyes again. “Fen?”
“Yes?”
“Don’t leave me alone, Fen.”
He felt a huge lump come into his throat.
“I won’t,” he promised, voice shaking slightly. “I’ll never…”
Fen stopped, realising he was about to say ‘I’ll never leave you’. His voice wasn’t the only thing that was shaking; he was starting to feel like that all over. He got up from the edge of Sarri’s bed and walked to the window. Maybe fresh air would do him good. The window refused to open.
“Great,” he muttered. It didn’t occur to him to use magic.
Something was seriously wrong with him. First these weird thoughts, then that feeling which could not possibly be jealously when Ipeth flirted with Sarri, now he was nearly saying strange things too.
‘You’re tired,’ his sensible side told him. ‘Go to sleep; everything will be fine.’
‘But what if it isn’t,’ another, less confident side asked. What if it all means something? What if, what if I’m…?’
‘No! This is Sarri. Not anyone, Sarri. And it feels wrong, so it can’t…’
‘Does it feel wrong?’
Fen shook his head furiously. This was too much to think about at…what time was it anyway?
As if to answer his unspoken question, a clock downstairs chimed the hour: Four o’clock. That meant he had only slept for about three hours, partly thanks to having to drag Ipeth away from the inn’s barmaids.
Sighing, he grabbed a chair and pulled it over to Sarri’s bed. He may be tired, he thought as he sat down, but he had made a promise. Besides, what if she had the Dream again? He couldn’t leave her.
And that was one thought Fen was not guilty about having.

The next morning, Sarri found Fen fast asleep and nearly falling off his chair. Glancing through the window, she discovered with a shock that it was mid-morning.
“Fen,” she called, shaking her friend by the shoulder. “It’s time to get up. Fen!”
“Huh? What’s happened? Are you ok?” he asked, startled.
“I’m fine. I only thought you might want to be woken up.”
The door on the left side of Sarri’s room opened and Ipeth walked in, looking cheerful but slightly dark under the eyes.
“Good mornin’ guys an’ gels, time t’ rise an’ shine on this beautiful sunny day…”
“Shut up!” Sarri and Fen said in unison.
Sarri frowned and asked “How on Kenah did you get in? That door was locked.”
“It was, Sarri, my sweet,” Ipeth said, ignoring Fen. “But I picked the lock last night. Yeh gave me a fright, I thought…” he tailed off, as Fen was giving him a look that could very easily have killed. “Er, are yeh alright, Sarri?”
She bit her lip. She didn’t remember anything about the night’s events apart from the Dream.
“I’m alright,” she lied.
“Rubbish,” Fen replied, squeezing her arm. “You’re never alright after…Ipeth; could you go and find out if breakfast is still being served?”
“Fine, I know when I’m not wanted,” Ipeth replied, trying and failing to look miserable. “See yeh later,” he called, waving as he walked out the door.
Sarri smiled at him. As soon as the door was closed the smile faded away. Leaning back against the short headboard she closed her eyes, trying to keep back the tears.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Fen asked her.
“No.”
“Ok.”
“It was exactly the same,” she blurted out. “Apart from the bit, the bit, oh you know which bit. The faces…” She was starting to get angry with herself now. A large lump had firmly wedged itself in her throat, and her eyes were starting to sting. Opening them, she saw Fen had moved off his chair onto the edge of the bed. He was running his hands through his hair in the way he always did when agitated.
“I wish I could do something to stop those dreams,” he told her, quietly.
“You tried. I know there’s only so much you can do without being a Dream Mage.”
He smiled at her. “Nice to know I’m not a complete failure.”
“You’re not a failure,” Sarri told him. “And stop digging for compliments. It will just make your ego bigger.”
“Ego? I’ll have you know my ego is about as big as my little finger-nail. No, it’s smaller than that, it’s…What?”
Sarri was laughing helplessly at him. For some reason Fen made her laugh at the stupidest things. And it always made her feel better.
“Thanks Fen,” she whispered, once she’d recovered.
“No problem, what are friends for?” he replied.
“Did I do anything I should know about?” Sarri had to know. When she first had the Dream, her magic had gone hopelessly out of control, and she had ended up summoning ten breezes, half the water in a pond and a couple of tons of dirt into her room. Thankfully, they had been staying with Relan at the time, so Fen’s friend had been able to send them all back.
“Nothing came close to getting broken,” Fen assured her. “Apart from my nose, but I grabbed your hand before it hit me.”
Sighing in relief, Sarri got out of bed.
“You know what, I’m hungry,” she told Fen.
He laughed. “Good, if you were off your food I’d be worried.”
Sarri stuck out her tongue. It was true; she still ate more quickly than would be civilised in polite society. But, as she explained to others, she was not often in ‘polite’ society. She only normally ate around Fen and their job rarely allowed time for civilised dinners.
“I’ll meet you downstairs in a minute,” he said, getting up.
“Ok. Oh, Fen, did I give you the papers yesterday or not?”
“No, I believe not.”
Sarri went to pull out the letters from her chest pocket; then remembered she was wearing her nightshirt. Hurriedly she found them in her day shirt and handed them over to Fen. He took them, and muttered something about leaving her to get dressed as he went into his room, firmly locking the door behind him.

A few minutes later, Sarri stood by the entrance to the inn’s bar, watching Ipeth, who was talking to a group of maids. He had an unusually sombre look on his face.
“What’s he up to?” asked Fen, who had appeared behind her.
“You took the words out of my mouth; he never wears that look unless he’s doing something suspicious,” she replied.
Ipeth saw them, and waved. Sighing, Fen walked over. Sarri went after him.
“…my sister now,” Ipeth was saying. “I s’pose yeh clever girls have figured out that the one with her is Fin. I’m tellin’ yeh, I owe…”
Fen and Sarri exchanged a glance. Fen nodded, and they dragged Ipeth away from the giggling maids. They’d changed their names, pretended Sarri was Ipeth’s sister, and kept the cover story simple. Ipeth should not have started complicating matters.
“What have you been saying?” hissed Sarri.
“Only about our tragic childhood,” he told them, sitting down at a small table. “I jus’ explained how as children our parents died from the plague. Then after that, th’ terrible trauma we went through wi’ th’ street gangs, an’ how we got int’ a fight that nearly got me killed.”
“So what part does he play in this?” Sarri asked, jerking her head at Fen.
“Well, I got an infection in th’ knife slash on my leg. Then this lad found us; jus’ moved with his rich merchant father from up north…”
Fen snorted, and Sarri started to laugh. Fen’s family were travellers; he had once told Sarri that he had not seen a silver coin until he moved to Paco Magi when he was eight.
“He persuaded his father t’ take us in, an’ that was th’ end o’ our sufferin’. Now that rich lad is a trader himself, an’ we go with him t’ help out. Y’know, pay him back fer what he’s done fer us.”
One of the maids came bustling over before either Sarri or Fen could say a word. She was balancing three steaming plates of bacon and toast.
“Here you are,” she said. “On the house. Me and the girls think you deserve a good breakfast after a night like that.” Smiling flirtatiously at Ipeth, she walked away.
“I didn’t mean fer that t’ happen,” said Ipeth, having the grace to look slightly guilty. “An’ it was fer a good cause. See, I explained yeh were havin’ those nightmares and were very sorry fer th’ noise an’ they wanted t’ know why yeh were havin’ them, so I said that it was t’ do with bad memories o’ our childhood. Then they wanted t’ know about that an’…”
“Say no more, I get the idea,” groaned Fen, running his hands through his hair. “We’ll just have to leave a large tip, seeing as they’re determined for us not to pay.”
“Excellent,” said Ipeth, digging into his breakfast. “So what’s th’ plan fer gettin’ th’ goods delivered?”
Fen grinned. “We go to a nice, quiet place and look out for some strangely behaving birds.”

Tacgnol...didn't do his job razz Ah dont worry yaself - I'm got plenty to be getting on with anyways.