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 Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 8:27 pm
The pained expression on Memetuka's face was just what Abedari had imagined and was always his inspiration to avoid the pridelands. There was going to come a day in which all his mistakes would return to him and he would need to overcome them. He knew this and while the conversation was difficult, he knew he could not simply turn on his paws and run away. He could no longer run away from Meme.
Everything was suddenly hitting the male. He didn't give her a chance. He shouldn't have left. How did Meme know what the male had done, even before he had explained himself? Had she found Shiri? Was Shiri...?
"What gives you the right to put all of the responsibility on me? You were her mother and yet you left us both." Abedari could feel a familiar pain return to his chest as his voice rose. The same pain he remembered enduring the night he saw his single cub alone near his paws. "I couldn't do it, Meme. I c-couldn't.."
Abedari was repeating himself now, but he wasn't sure what more there was to say. He understood his portion of the guilt, but was taken back by how much Meme had expected of him.
With a shake of his head, Abedari let out a light growl, "I could have done it if you stayed! We could have taken care of Shiri together! She would s-still be alive!"
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Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 8:42 pm
Meme stumbled back a couple steps when the accusations turned on her, she already had dealt with her guilt in her own way. Shiri was on her side, she'd been forgiven. It only changed so much, though in Meme's mind the only one who could truly forgive her mistakes would be Shiri. Shiri was the only one who she could accept that from.
"There is no- no excuse for what I did," she said hoarsely, though she was unexpectedly willing to defend herself. If Abedari could defend his decision to leave Shiri alone, certainly she could defend leaving her with her other parent, "It's not the same. I didn't leave her by herself, I left her with her father!"
She froze when he said Shiri would still be alive, a feeling of guilt coming over her now. If he hadn't realized how small a chance the cub had had to survive when he left, he certainly did now that she'd made it seem as though she had died. Her expression changed, her words got caught in her throat, she didn't know how to explain from here.
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Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 9:02 pm
Abedari's ears lay flat atop his head in waiting for some sort of response. Meme only continued to remind the male of what he had done and how there would be no forgiveness for him. He had not found the Queen and there was no reason for him to return.
In the back of his mind, the male could not believe what was happening. This was not how he envisioned it. This was not what he wanted. He wanted to explain to Meme how he needed her in his life and how he returned to her in an attempt to beg for her forgiveness.
By the way Meme ignored Abedari's comment of Shiri's death, Abedari was almost certain. He was the cause of his daughters death! She had not been strong enough to live on her own in the roguelands.
"I am r-responsible for Shiri's..." Abedari could barely force the words from his mouth.
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Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 9:08 pm
No matter how angry she was at him, she had loved him once and her decision to leave had not been based upon the loss of that love- it had been her own panic, her own confusion. Part of her wanted him to think he had left Shiri to die, wanted him to feel as guilty as she had for so long- imagining that he had been more able to find a distraction, to forget-- but another part of her couldn't just let him think that.
"She's not dead," she murmured, "She survived."
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Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 9:23 pm
Through Abedari's grief, the words were almost unheard. "She is what?" He asked slowly, looking to Memetuka for some confirmation of what she had said. But a confirmation was unneccesary. Abedari had heard that his daughter was alive!
But how did Meme know? Surely that would imply Memetuka had found her?
While Abedari knew that he was still unforgiven, it had seemed as though a huge burden was lifted from his shoulders. If his daughter was still alive it meant that he was not too late to speak to her.
Looking to Meme, Abedari said boldly. "I must see her."
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Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 9:33 pm
"Why?" she asked immediately, not seeming to respond to anything else. Her words were almost protective, but at the same time she was intensely curious about how he could face their daughter when he had abandoned her. Shiri had forgiven her mother, knew that her mother had not meant for her to be left alone. Even then, Memetuka had not expected anything good to come from their meeting- why would Abedari be so eager to talk to her?
But Shiri.. she had her mate, she had her family, she had more cubs on the way. Memetuka had become a part of the family, she'd been included, been given the chance to be a mother and grandmother despite everything and she felt almost as if she had always been there. She didn't want to upset the happiness that Shiri had found now, didn't want to cause her unnecessary stress where she was pregnant. Shiri's cubs did not yet know the whole story regarding their maternal grandparents. They would have their own opinions, they would find out- what would they think? But, who was Meme to say no?
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Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 10:12 pm
Abedari should have expected Memetuka to refuse his bold demand. The male had not cared for his daughter when given the opportunity when she was a cub, why did he want to participate now?
Looking away towards the pridelands, the darker striped male became curious. Was she residing somewhere in the lands with her mother? When had they come across one another? Had Memetuka searched for both Shiri and he many years ago and only found a lonely cub? So many questions ran through Dari's mind, but he did not have the nerve to ask any out loud.
Shifting his gaze from the pridelands to the roguelands, he let out a light laugh. "Certainly if you had the responsibility for your own daughter's death on your head and you were just told she was alive, you would wish to see her. It has been so many years and... I simply. I simply want her to know that she is loved."
With a shake of his head, the male took a deep breath and looked to Meme, finding her amethyst eyes somewhat comforting. "I understand if you do not wish for me to see her. I accept that I gave up my rights many years ago."
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Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 10:30 pm
Memetuka's bravery was failing as he stood there, looking away, wondering, laughing awkwardly.. she supposed their situations differed in that Meme had always have the luxury of believing that Shiri was taken care of, that she would not have died because her father was taking care of her. Abedari had a whole other kind of guilt to deal with, something else entirely. They were a part of the same bad situation, but there perspectives would be very different.
Still, she was reluctant to simply take him to their daughter. She might not be alone, Meme had just left from a visit- she could say Shiri might be hard to find, but that wasn't true.
Her ears lowered.
"I won't stop you," she said finally, accepting that it wouldn't be her place- and now that he knew Shiri was alive, if he wanted to see her he would eventually whether or not Memetuka showed him where she was. If Shiri did not wish to talk to him, then she would not have to- and that was something Meme would make sure of.
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Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 10:44 pm
Abedari nodded at Memetuka's words, but would not have for a moment expected the female to simply lead him to their daughter. Looking away once again, Abedari took a seat on the savannah grass and smiled faintly. The news of Shiri's life was something entirely comforting to the male. Even if he never gathered the courage to seek her out, he was happy with the knowledge that she had made it.
It was strange to think that the conversation with Meme turned out the way it had. Abedari had even hoped that perhaps things might have been bridged between them. If she could never love him again, he could only hope that she might forgive him. It seemed there were some things that were truly unforgiveable.
Glancing back over to Meme, Abedari wrapped up their conversation in order to prepare to leave. "I am sorry that I could not find your neices, Meme."
And like he so often did, the male lifted his weary form and began his short trek to the roguelands, just outside the borders of the pridelands.
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Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 10:56 pm
She was speechless when he just gave up, she was confused, she was frustrated. The conversation had taken a very sudden turn in a very bad direction but they were talking, he was the one who started it and now he was just going to run away. After everything, everything he'd done to try to make it up to her.. he had to understand her reservations about just taking him to Shiri, he said he did.. she felt guilty for this, from the start she had not wanted to lead him on and she didn't want to leave it like this. If she did, she would return to the constant guilt and paranoia from when she had first returned. Abedari may not get up the nerve to find Shiri now, but eventually he might. And she would always be watching, always worrying about how it would end. She couldn't do that again.
"You can't just run away," she called as he started to walk away, her voice cracking in her distress. Meme was not a decisive lioness, she was not outgoing or strong enough to deal with this- but she had to do it.
"Running away is what caused all these problems," she murmured.
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Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 11:09 pm
Abedari had only taken a few steps forward when he heard Meme's whisper. Pausing where he was, the male shut his eyes and took a deep breath. He had never intended to run from their conversation, but it did appear as though that was what he was doing once again. What Meme said was entirely correct, but what was he supposed to do now?
Without even glancing back to face Meme, the male spoke very quietly, "But I don't know how to fix them, Meme." The striped male could not have been more honest with the female. He had done all he could think of, but it just seemed to be too late.
Finally opening his eyes, Abedari allowed his body to sit once again, awaiting some sort of direction from the female.
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Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 11:25 pm
Meme almost had forgotten to breathe through this tense moment, and only remembered to exhale when she heard Abedari breathe in deeply. She didn't know where this was going, but then that was how things always had been with them. This would not be over until they handled the situation, but what was left to do was unknown, was confusing. Abedari had no questions about Shiri, about how Meme had come to find her, what her life was like, he still didn't question Angavu.
There seemed only obvious thing to do. If Abedari was going to talk to Shiri, Memetuka wanted to be there. She couldn't follow her daughter around, she would find out eventually.
"If you want to see Shiri," she said carefully, slowly, "If you want to talk to her, I'll take you."
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Posted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 8:16 pm
Abedari watched and waited while Meme carefully thought out her words. It was clear by her pause that she wasn't even sure, as she spoke, if she had chosen correctly. When she was finished, the male nodded and took in everything that she had said.
Meme was willing to let him meet his daughter.
It would be the first time since the day she was born that Abedari could see her.
Unsure of what would become of their meeting, Abedari could only stand and nod slowly. If nothing could become resolved between both Meme and himself, perhaps he could find some closure with his daughter? Perhaps she could find a place in her heart to forgive him?
With another nod, Abedari made his way to Meme's side, "Lead the way."
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