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 Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 5:48 pm
What was the point of fighting anymore? Inali had been fighting her entire life, and where had it gotten her? Nowhere, and nowhere fast. Could she point out a figure of significance in her life that had stayed that way? No. One by one, she had alienated family, former lovers, everything. Alienation was all she did, not that she expected Toujours to understand. How could she tell him? Why should she?
She was getting defensive again. At least this time Inali recognized it, calming herself and collecting herself, taking deep breaths. "I'm not sure that's something you should hear. Or want to hear." Who would actually want to listen to her tale of woe and self-pity? Inali couldn't think of any that would, least of all a complete stranger. But it would be the first time this month that she had unleashed her emotions on those she barely knew.
"Sometimes you just have to prove to the world that you're worth it. That you're capable of things. That you're worthy of love. The world doesn't gift these things to you- it takes them away, but doesn't give it. You have to prove it, have to prove that you're worth the energy that was invested in putting you there, or what's the point?" That was all Inali said, though it was quite a speech. She shifted uncomfortably from hoof to hoof, suddenly intent on the grass beneath her feet. How else could she phrase it?
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Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 7:14 pm
Perhaps it was because of Seresai.
Or before that young lady there had been Adeleaine.
Whatever the case, Toujours easily identified with the red mare, and waited in companionable silence until she had finished. So many times he had met creatures like she.. those jaded by the world and angry at the lot thrown at them.
If only they could understand that life was a gift... neither taken nor changed... and it was all what happenstance and choices made it. Truthfully, this was why he followed the preachings of his deity so closely.. since the Lord would accept even monsters into the fold. Monsters like him that could only stand by and watch... hooves tied by invisible strings he had allowed society to put there.
His Lord taught not of forgiveness or benevolence, he taught of life, and of freedom. Anarchy maybe, but it was a life Toujours found acceptable. Beneath the One God's omnipotent eye, the world went along it's way, changing and evolving at it's own pace.. doing what it would with no rhyme or intelligent design behind it.
Monsters lived, and though there was one Toujours hated more then anything... they lived and had a right to. But likewise, as a fellow living being, he too had the right to live, and defend...
And kill.
Oh yes, he could understand the need to rail against 'the man' and 'them.'
"What is the point indeed. Miss Inali, haven't you once considered that by living.. that alone proves that you are worth it? That really there is no point, and all you need worry about is the simple act of being yourself?" he asked, tilting his head, schooling his expression to be one of open concern.
"And too start, think less of what others want to know or should know, and decide what you want them to know about you.. and what you want to know about them. I consider myself to be fairly sociable, though to be frank you have caught me on a very bad day, and I have little complaint when it is glaringly obvious that a stranger needs someone to talk too."
"In fact, I prefer to introduce myself further in such situations, so that we are no longer strangers."
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Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 7:36 pm
"Don't you ever think that there are those who live as a cruel joke though?" Inali wanted so badly to believe Toujours, to have his faith that the world was fair and just. So badly... But it could not come to her. Not now. Not here. She was too far beyond that point. Everything seemed so worthless at this point.
Inali shrugged her shoulders at Toujour's next words. "I don't think I know any longer how I want people to see me. I just want them to see me, if that makes sense. Everything that encompasses me. But I'm as reluctant to show that as many are to see it." It was true. How many really wanted to know someone, deep down? Truly wanted to know them? Not many; no one Inali could think of.
"Though I think we've already learned trying to turn my mind on something is difficult. Why do you bother?" Yes, why was he helping so much?
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Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 7:47 pm
"Let me reiterate. Life is what you make it. Nothing more, nothing less. Hope for something better to come along is for those who are too scared to reach out and grab what they want." He replied, deathly serious. "Those who think their life is a cruel joke are merely shifting the blame onto some cosmic fate... and really... logic.. anyone's logic, would not back that up."
Finally;
"And I bother because I feel like it, no other reason. I could just as easily ignore you completely if it suited me."
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Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 5:14 pm
Inali was as assured of Toujours as he was of her. His bristly nature had to be hiding something, didn't it? He went to brusque so easily, as if he was offended by something she had said. But there had been nothing offensive in her speech this time; Inali was sure.
Dismissing her own troubles for the time being, Inali focused her keen gaze back onto Toujours. "And what are you hiding, beneath that black coat of yours? You had been so sad earlier. Why was that?" She was tempted to ask him if the sadness was what had driven him towards his One God, but she was not in the mood for bringing back up theology. That would offend him.
"I've told you the gist of my story. Tell me the gist of yours." Inali was more than willing to whisper, intrigued in what made the dark unicorn tick. At the heart of him, what was there? Underneath the skin and muscle, underneath all physical matter, what made Toujours who he was? Keenly wanting to hear of his past, the red mare waited, head cocked slightly to the side, compassion in her eyes.
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Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 7:41 pm
"I could deny you that request." He replied calmly, still looking at her with his amber eyes aglow. " But at this time, I am more inclined to continue our conversation, yet forgive me as I must leave some things out.. and I ask you do not ask me to explain them further." He added, a slight upward tilt at the corner of his muzzle portraying a hint of humor.
Or... just acceptance of his lot in life.
No, he wouldn't tell her of his sad past entirely, as he had long ago come to terms with it and moved on. Dredging it up would only serve to wound him anew... especially on a day like today, when he tried so hard to remember the good times.
After a lengthy pause, he finally continued, looking away for the first time. "The gist of my story is rather fanciful... I lived... and I died. With a death that became unending until the Lord let me free from Hell's dark prison. Yet even the gist of the deeper story is a dark one, and frankly milady, this is where I must beg off further explanations... as I have left them in the past where they belong, and I refuse to go back." Indeed, telling of betrayal, helplessness, and eventual murder would not benefit himself or this mare any. If he were any judge of character, her mood when she arrived was self serving at best, and self destructive at the worst, and as he was, he felt a mixed need to ignore her.. yet help her.
Odd.
"And so I wish to ask you again Miss Inali, why do you let life rule you so?"
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Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 10:45 am
For once, Inali did not pry the issue. Clearly Toujours had had something terrible happen to his life, and if it was his personal choice to let it lie in the past, then so be it. Inali found herself not too curious- another first. She respected his decision, and she began to understand his utter religious devotion.
"Thank you. For telling me that." She hoped he felt better, but perhaps he didn't. What did it matter to you? Just as Toujours was feeling a desire to help Inali, she felt a sudden desire to help him. There was something intriguing about him, besides the religious fervor. She could ignore that, for the time being.
He couldn't have literally died, could he? That wasn't possible. He was physical, real- no, he couldn't be a ghost. His spirit had died, perhaps. Something terrible was beneath it all, and Inali kept her mouth shut. Perhaps she would be growing in spirit- perhaps she wasn't totally irredeemable.
Toujour's question, directing the conversation back to herself, startled Inali enough that she actually answered. "Because I see no other way." Heaving a sigh, the red mare began to reluctantly tell her own story, complete with details. Perhaps it would incite Toujours to tell his own.
"I have always been unlucky, I suppose. I fell in love with a stallion, but I couldn't gather the courage to tell him. I thought it should be obvious. I thought he might have loved me back. I was mistaken. He fell in love with another- a mare I lived with. I was left behind. I was scarred, mentally. But I opened my heart again. I slept with another stallion. It was a mistake, and both of us soon realized it. We weren't in love. There was a pregnancy scare. We parted on good terms, but since then... I wonder what's the point of it all. I'm not destined for love, it seems. I can barely keep friends. There just isn't a point anymore." Inali shrugged once, gazing forth into nothing.
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Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 11:03 am
Being a creature of selfish pursuits, Toujours could only wonder in the dark corners of his mind what was so emotionally scarring about unrequited love. For a long time now he had lived with the notion of 'love' as being an enigmatic force he could only hope to stare at in wonder, or experience in little ways... like the way he loved his students and his herdmates... and to a very large extent how he loved himself and his God.
Take the recent explosion of youthful hormones between young Killian and his lady Bonfire. Toujours hadn't been much of a support base for either halves of the split pair, but he had functioned as a sounding board, and left with a feeling akin to dizziness. Why not just.. do what felt right? Killian obviously loved Bonfire very much, and in a way that would NOT go away... whereas Bonfire just didn't know what she wanted, and was fooling herself into denying the emotions she felt for Killian.
Really, it was all so silly.
So now he could only stare at Inali with a mixture of emotions flitting across his features, ranging from curiosity, mild disgust, to pity.
"You should seriously consider thinking less of what has happened to you then, Miss Inali, as it obviously does you little good now and serves only to hinder any future relationships you may have. There is a very good saying that quotes 'When one dwells in the past, one dwells in yesterday's trash.' and it is a good quote for a reason."
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Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 6:44 pm
Inali seriously doubted that Toujours had ever been in love. While his advice sounded good, in the reality, in the application, it was impossible. She couldn't stop hating herself for how much of a coward she had been, her myriad flaws exposed for all to see. Maybe it would make all future relationships impossible, but she couldn't think of how to cleanse herself from the sins of her past.
"Would that it were so easy. I suppose if I find the right stallion... Someone who can give me some form of redemption, and make me feel cleansed of my mistakes, then it might turn out okay. But none of them seem willing to do that. None will take a chance, or none intrigue me enough. I am a picky girl." Grinning weakly, Inali lifted her gaze briefly from her hooves, regarding Toujours.
"Have you ever been in love? I think you would understand my situation had you been. Or have you just been far luckier than myself?" Perhaps he had had romantic relationships in the past. Perhaps he was currently in one, and his life was blessed. Clearly, though, he had never felt what she had- utter rejection, not once, but twice. How could he hope to understand if he never felt it himself?
"I think you simplify emotions that are deep and complex. They can't be solved easily. Love is illogical, and cruel. It won't listen to anyone's words, no matter how wise they may be." Again Inali shrugged. It seemed her chief gesture these days.
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Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 7:05 pm
Now his features morphed into a scowl, as he had experienced love... in little ways... he just didn't particularly see the point in sacrificing his identity for the sake of another.. likewise, her words bothered him.
"If you find the right stallion? Milady have you any notion of how pathetic that sounds? Stand on your own feet and be proud, you don't need someone else to give you anything.. redemption.. feelings..." he paused, and shook his head forcefully as he got to his feet.
"I may not have fallen head over heels in love Miss Inali, but I have been around the world and I have seen Love's affect on those I care for.. and those I am indifferent too. Some thrive with it, melding from two separate individuals into one cohesive whole. Others let it own them, or they let their partner own them... and their lives are naught but thoughts of what another thinks.. and I pity them." Again he shook his head, this mare was no longer a puzzle to him, as he had seen such things before in the likes of Crousader. Such individuals carried their pasts around like a cross, and on a subconscious level hoped someone else would lift that cross from their shoulders.
Well, Crousader had learned, and he had removed that cross on his own. Toujours could only hope Inali would also learn.
"And I believe that you apply layers to a situation that is really quite flat. Naturally emotions do not follow any known rules except for the rules placed upon them by their originator. One can fall in love, grow to love, and gently move on from love. It is YOUR choice and YOUR will that will make it so. You can't blame love, fate, or anything else for YOUR actions and YOUR choices... even if they appeared to be taken from you at the time."
And he would know. He had allowed himself to be bound by nebulous rules and doctrines for so long he hadn't recognized the choices in front of him when they were there.. plain as day. By his own choice he had allowed society to let a monster roam free after brutally attacking his dear student... and he had railed against it as best he could within the bounds of the law.
Until later he realized that nothing was holding him back but himself.
By that time, the monstrous stallion had moved on, but Toujours found him years later, and did what he should have done all of those years before.
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Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 7:16 pm
"I think you're entirely incorrect in that. Love takes control over you-there is nothing to do in the face of its tide. It clouds your vision and your thoughts, so that you can no longer think in a logical way. It becomes your all- that soquili becomes your all, your only reason for living. When it is torn away from you... There is nothing left. Eventually it heals, but never all the way. Further fails rip the wound open again, so it bleeds anew." Inali shook her head sadly, though whether it was at her past or their different comprehensions of the emotion she wasn't sure. Would no one ever understand how she felt?
"You yourself admit it turns you into a cohesive whole. What if it's broken? What if you feel the whole has formed, but the other does not? You become a half then- a half of what was once two, then one, and now two once more. Two broken, bitter halves, one being larger than the other, made to move on. The smaller half... It drifts. It eventually withers away, and dies." Would she die? Not from wasting away, but from her own hand? It was entirely possible.
"If it was my choice, I would move on. But it is not. I am subject to whatever cruel games some greater powers play. I cannot repair my heart and mind, try as I might. Perhaps I would be better off not on this earthly pain." Grinning ruefully, Inali considered the idea of death. It seemed like such a relief, at this point. A great weight would be gone from her shoulders. And who would mourn? Who would even find her broken body? Likely a stranger; more than likely, a scavenger with the scent of blood. She would be gone, and though people would wonder, there would be no conclusive proof. It suddenly seemed so perfect, and so clear to her.
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Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 7:34 pm
"You are a blind fool then Inali, and I will pray most fervently that some day your eyes will see again and you'll live the way you ought too." He declared, mildly surprised that he wasn't even moved to pity for this mare. If she desired so much to wallow in self pity, then that was her choice and she obviously didn't need any outside help in that department.
Adeleaine had been like this after the attack, void of emotion and feeling like the entire world was bringing her down. As her teacher and surrogate father, he had done what he could, but to an extent she blamed him for not protecting her, and he accepted that as true. He should have protected her. But even she had recovered... though eventually in the end her tattered honor and the rules of a twisted society warped her own self image into severe cesspool of self loathing that ended her life.
And he sure as hell wasn't going to let this mare drag him down.. not on a day like today when he kept Ade's spirit alive with thoughts of the good times, and he told her of what he had learned now, and promised he would never make such a mistake again with his new students, Seresai and Wildfire.
"I'll not be wasting my time with one who sees life so askew... especially on this day, when I remember the daughter of my soul who was taken from me quite suddenly through violence and self hate. You, in a frank comparison, do not have a single reason to view life in such a way if all you've suffered is poorly mended heart from a unrequited love and another encounter that you admitted was a mutual break off." He wasn't speaking loudly, but he put force behind his words, and was doing his scholarly best to make it abundantly clear that he thought she was being a thrice damned fool. "And by all the deities in heaven that everyone bows their heads too, GET OVER YOURSELF!"
And he was being nice. Crousader and Blais would have stormed off ages ago with a tart comment or a mumbled curse... while Flame would have changed the subject gently before wandering off with a mental note to avoid her. Tai might have been more sympathetic at first, but the mahogany and gold stallion's patience was legendary... yet Toujours doubted even Tai would have been able to take this rabble much longer. He might even say the same things Toujours did, albeit in a nicer tone with softer words.
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Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 8:06 pm
Inali almost pitied the dark stallion for his inability to understand love. Almost. She didn't feel like pressing the argument when it was so difficult for Toujours to see. What would be the point? Those who had never fallen completely in love would never understand.
"I wish you could understand, but I know why you cannot." Shaking her head, Inali inclined it. "I will leave now, if it pleases you. It's clear that we won't agree on this. You can't change my opinion, and I clearly cannot change yours. Perhaps one day I'll find a stallion who can save me. Perhaps not. I find myself caring less by the minute."
Indeed she did. Instead, she felt hollow, perfectly calm, but nothing else. There was nothing else to feel, was there? Everything became irrelevant when you realized your very life was. Life was brief, and unless it developed meaning soon, it never would. This Inali had learned the hard way. It was far too late for it now, though a hidden part of her mind hoped that one day a stallion would come along who would change things... One day, but most of her doubted it.
"Goodbye Toujours. It was nice meeting you. I think..." Same rueful grin on her face, Inali turned to head away.
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Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 8:17 pm
"Your sensitivity for others astounds me Mare. Good day, and may the God hold you when your time comes, since I doubt anyone else will in your current state." Adamant to the last, yet still hoping she might possibly change. He still found it difficult to internalize that she had been so callous in her regard to love, virtually ignoring his reference to his daughter as something beneath her ideal of love. It made him angry, and he was glad she was leaving.
He may revel in the freedom of the self, but he did care for others... else he would have never been allowed to rest his travel weary hooves with the Elderwillow soquili.
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