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Okay, what the hell had just happened? He had been talking, trying to apologize, and then... Kian had just shut down. Considering that Autsu had done nearly the same thing only moments before, it wasn't exactly a shocking reaction. But it wasn't what Autsu had expected.

Autsu wasn't okay. But he was functioning again. Later, in a safe dark place, he'd likely curl into a ball and shake until the pain stopped. But for the time being, he had Kian to worry about. Who he owed his service in more ways than one, now.

He followed him, silent for the time being, until they were outside where the crickets sang their mating calls and the air was wet and sweet.

Pacing beside him in the dark, he reached for the easy camaraderie that they usually found, the silent bond that allowed for shared understanding.

A wall there. Time to try the other tactic then. It wouldn't be the first time.

He stopped walking, and reached out to grab Kian by the shoulder. When they stood then, face to face, he watched his First with the same solemn regard that he often did.

"Ally this will not divide us." It was said in level tones.

And then, with something that might have been a smile. "I do not know why you always persist in being beyond my ability to resist. But I have grown accustom to it."

The fear had not left Autsu's eyes, but he followed Kian's example and let some of the tension drain out of his stance. Of course, it'd take an expert on body language, or, well, Kian to tell the difference. Nonetheless.

"I have always been strange." He admitted, releasing his hold on Kian gently so that they might walk again along the dark empty streets of early morning. It was a true statement. Even before, he had stood out as different. It was what had drawn Narin too him in the first place.

Dangerous thing, being odd. And Kian knew that too, in his own way. Certainly, Autsu knew he had not done well in his own society.

His mind was wandering. A defense mechanism, in its way. Think about anything but the elephant in the room.

There were things he wanted to say, but was not yet capable of saying. 'I do not want to leave you' came to mind.

He kept those things to himself.

"I will do my best not to kill your brother." He stated, instead. "But I do not know that he feels the same."

It was a casual thing, a thing that a second should inform his leader of. Possibility of future death, and all that. He wasn't an idiot, after all, he knew Iamel could do so, if he wished.

They were themselves again. Or at least close enough to themselves that an outsider would not be able to tell the difference. There would be changes now, yes, at least on Autsu's side of thing. But whatever those changes might be, they hadn't actually taken effect.

Maybe they were scheduled for sometime after the curled up in a ball in a dark room breakdown.

So... they were walking down a deserted sidewalk talking a leader and his second might talk. (Because, of course, everyone broke down their relationships into militaryesque dynamics).

And Kian was asking him a question. Autsu didn't answer immediately. He considered the scene again. The knife in his hand, and how close he had been to burying it in Iamel's skin, the bright explosions of streetlamps.

"He grabbed me. I nearly stabbed him. He said that if I were to attempt to do so, he would kill me. Also, he blew up some lamps."

It was a purely factual description of the event, stripped of the charged emotions of the scene. Indeed, Autsu might have been discussing buying a new weapon or his on again off again fascination with Marxism (this is a lie, if he was discussing Marxism, he would have sounded angry or excited.)

"It was not my place to kill him. And, I appreciate being alive as well." Autsu replied, mildly, surprised, on some level, to realize that he did, indeed appreciate it. Living was hard. Living through this... living through this would be very hard.

He didn't say that. He didn't say anything.

What he did instead was snake out a lightning quick hand to grab the wrist behind the poking finger and take it hostage. It was not as holding hands might have been. It was a rough squeeze, something that was almost a smirk, and then a release of that hold.

It was a beautiful night. That was another thing he didn't say. That, and how much he'd miss nights like this. Minutes like this. Lady, he had to stop thinking.

"I think, if I have need to kill your brother, I will do it in such a way that he is unaware of my presence."

Autsu seemed to purr into the touch, pressing against Kian's hand without even intending to do so. It was only for a breath, but it was there, a leaning in, which was something, in its way, like a reaching out.

As if he hadn't done enough of that for one night. Much more honesty between them, and there'd be nothing left of what they had. But Kian wouldn't understand that. And Autsu couldn't explain it.

So he walked toward Kian as Kian, walking backward, seemed almost as if he were the one approaching.

Both of them seemingly walking toward each other. And the space between them remained. That probably meant something.

"It seems the best option. If it becomes a necessary thing. I can not kill him for being a fool. There would be too many other fools to kill, after."

He had stood in the darkness and told Iamel that he was Kian's blade, that he would take the world for him. And it had been true. But it didn't explain this. Or it did.

Did he serve Kian because he loved him? Or did he love him because he served him?

Even as he was at the moment, Autsu was in tune enough with Kian to stop his own forward momentum about a breath after Kian stilled.

He leaned into the touch to his cheek, this time unaccompanied by furious words, his expression taking back on some of that kicked puppy lostness.

Yes, it would indeed be a good idea for him to go home. To be fully honest, to get away from Kian for awhile, clear his head, and maybe curl into a huddled ball for awhile and just let the pain take him. He couldn't do that now, or here, not in Kian's presence.

So he'd go home.

And after all, he had woken the other up. He'd known that to be impolite at best when he'd done it.

"I will see you, Anne." He said instead, though, somewhat unusually, he didn't specify a time, not so even so much as to say 'soon'. He wanted dark rooms and closed blinds for awhile. He needed to be alone.

"Good night."