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 Posted: Sun Jun 01, 2008 7:09 am
6.1.08 >> Mathematical Disaster
I've always really thought journals were useless. Silly things used for sharing a pained heart with the only thing that would listen: blank pages. My opinion has not much changed since, but I figured at the very least I should record down some of my findings about the school and various other nuisances to my personage. It's quite dreadful to find that this school, which I held in so much high prestige, lets just about anyone in. I was under the assumption that they allowed the smart ones that they could use to change the world.
Apparently, personality doesn't play a part, and discipline is between us, the students. Now this is mature I think, but honestly... someone as rude as that strange Aussie punk running around? One can't walk into a classroom and feel comfortable with him around. His lack of manners is horribly obvious from the moment you sit down. And from that moment, it is war.
Now plainly, although I did not want this to be an emotional vent, but sometimes there is just too much anger not properly directed (and the proper direction is definitely at them.) I despise him, I shall say it. I could not walk in the room without feeling like I wanted to strangle him. Rarely have I had this feeling about any other human, since I'm mostly indifferent of them for my own reasons.
I suppose there are still some things I can't hide, no matter how much I want to. I'll have to work harder. I attempted friendship... just for Jaden's sake, but it was a useless plea. I'm much more content ignoring everyone with a smiling face. Only Jade needs in behind that, because he's the only one who earned it. That's also why I don't need you journal. I've got him.
On another note, the class itself, the Advanced Mathematics class, is probably my least favorite one of the Basic Learning. It was awfully boring, and rather complicated. I'm a science guy. Sure, science may require math... but I know all the math I need. It's mainly measurements and various other amounts that I memorize of the most potent substances. I honestly don't think the method to which I achieve the answer '3' really matters.
But I took it, despite many distractions.
Also... I'm thinking about cutting my hair. The long strands always get in the way. What do you think, journal? It might be kind of annoying at first, to not have the familiarity. But I'm sure it would be beneficial in the long run. Either that, or grow it so long that I can just tie it tightly back. Hm.
Time will tell.
I'll have more updates for you later, I'm off to another class now... and I guess talking to blank pages isn't as bad as I thought it would be. But that'll be our secret.
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Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 9:57 am
6.25.08 >> Composure
I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what I'm thinking. I find it hard to keep calm lately. This school, this place, these people, they're affecting me. It's not as if I didn't expect this. But honestly I think I should calm down a little. Having to vent to this little book? That's a little silly. Well okay, it's extremely silly. None of this is like me at all. This isn't practical. I feel my mask almost... slipping... more often than not lately. It was once so easy to hold up for adults and teachers, and it still is, however it's become more honest.
Not that I'm a liar.
I've got nothing to lie about. My business is my business, these people have no right to know about any of it. But, how can this be? I remember the joys of certain things, and the pain of others. I actually hate another student. And it's such wasted energy! I could be using the time to fuel my studies, but instead I'm writing this.
After the fire the other day, I'm not really sure I could not hate him. Scyeth is such a prat all the way around. No matter how I look at him, that Aussie punk is really pushing it. He's going out of his way to bother me. Childish! Childish wars. It really proves a sense of immaturity. Does it mean that I'm immature too, for hating him?
No.
I'm me. Nathaniel Jacobson. I've got to get a hold of myself. My studies are more important. I also can't lose myself to Jaden. He's just so happy. It's like having me around brightens his whole day. I've never met anyone like him before. It's strange. I haven't even given myself up to my aunt, or my uncle. Nobody has gotten in since Mother. Nobody but him. I find myself clinging to him protectively. It's sickening! I... don't need him. But I'm afraid.
After that fire I'm especially afraid. I can't lose him. I've given so much of myself to him. All my secrets and happiness I haven't felt since I lived in England. He gives it to me. Nothing must happen to him, of this I am positive.
Which reminds me, Professor Veilwood was in the middle of all that chaos. More as well. I have a lot of respect for the two of them. I was so surprised but everyone came out mostly unscathed. I don't think I want to repeat the experience. Maybe that's whats got me so worked up? I'm sure I'll be okay soon. I have to stop writing these ridiculous journal entries. I promise to have something more practical to say next time.
I wonder, Mother, would you be proud of me? Would you tell me that I'm working hard enough and that it's okay to smile and laugh like this? Would you tell me it's okay to be flustered? I know Father wouldn't. But you would...
Wouldn't you?
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Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 3:52 pm
7.04.08 >> More
(Note: The RP this is related to, 'Books or Potions?', took place before the metaplot, so that has not yet happened at the time of this entry...)
I didn't think there could be anyone like that here at this school. I was studying in the book store the other night, just a few bits of information I needed to get down without delay. Formulating ideas is rather useful for any future research. But during this random act, I stumbled upon a lad that was quite different from most of the others I've met here! His name was More and he struck me as quite the inquisitive sort. He admired me and asked me all kinds of questions, even though we must've sat studying side by side in silence for a good half hour.
He's different from Jaden's cheerfulness that brightens my day, and Micajah who seems to have a problem with everything I do. He's definitely different than Scyeth (which is very good, I didn't need to be running into him on one of my nightly study runs.) I'm not quite sure why, but I feel sort of ...connected to him. I'm not one for friends, you know this journal, but I can't help but think he'd be a good acquaintance to have. He's just as polite as I am, and he's honest. Truthful. I respect him. I held a rather intelligent conversation with him. It would be nice to keep up this kind of relationship.
I've begun to notice that it's much more beneficial to be nice to everyone than not. Scyeth thinks of me as some snobby high and mighty nobility brat. Really, it's not my fault I'm more educated than that punk... but that's not what I was trying to say. I was trying to say that it's good to know people like More. I find myself anticipating the next meeting; it is sure to be an interesting one!
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Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 5:02 pm
7.21.08 >> Innocence
I decided I wanted to take that Human Body class today. I could really use a lot more official information on the subject to further complete my research compilation. I wonder if I'll ever really know enough to be satisfied... but it seems that when I start learning about one subject I find endless banks of data for it and I have to keep searching in it's entirety. There seems to be so much more to the inner workings than I could have ever imagined. And yet, just as I was about to properly start my notes, Adviser Fang came upon me.
Needlessly, it was a waste of time, despite that he was a very important man and all, but he seemed to ask rather useless and pointless questions concerning me. It was as if he wanted to know more than I was saying. As if I was lying. If he read my application into this school, he should know most of the information I was willing to give. I'm sure he did. I told him the truth for the most part, but he didn't seem to accept it.
I think I made myself look like a fool... I wonder if I can repair first impressions like that. I'm kind of ashamed about it, and so I ended up staying in the classroom studying a little too late. Ah well, I suppose I can already get my other work done another day. Right now I think I just want to go lie down. I've got a headache from all this talk of poison and revenge lately. Not that I need to tell you. You're a book of paper.
Honestly... what am I doing with a journal...
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Posted: Mon Aug 18, 2008 4:18 pm
8.18.08 >> Farewell Fated Sanity
The last required class of my Basic Learning student life was quite interesting. I chose to take Language Studies, since that seemed the most plausible at the time. It was better than taking any of those silly magic classes, though I'm sure Jaden probably took them and enjoyed them immeasurably. Speaking of the little blonde, he was in my class. I have to say that I don't think I learned quite as much as I normally might've. It wasn't terrible to have him sitting next to me and taking notes, but he was a real distraction. All the notes I wanted to take had ended up in conversation instead. Finally though I managed to cram some notes in, and so I'm writing in this journal a little before I finally get up to leave class.
It was fantastic. In the end I crammed in enough notes to really learn about some important language origins. The way society melded together and all that cultural diffusion had a simply wondrous affect on the world today. Languages especially. I think I've gained a kind of new respect for languages and I've also gained more for Jaden. But that's nothing new. He's my best friend... and yet... why am I nervous? Is this really what friendship is? It's silly I think. I'll just ask him to hang out after class and it will be all right. I'll write another journal entry up after our walk. Gotta run now journal, you know... you're becoming more and more useful to me lately. Still, it's hard to write things often. It's not really on the top of my list... oh well.
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Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 8:03 pm
09.08.08 >> Delivery Service
I had hoped that today would be productive. I had hoped that I'd be able to get some research done. Instead, I became the 'postman'. After receiving a request from one of the teachers I was sent down to the Harbor to retrieve a package. I'm not quite sure why I had to be the one to do this, or why I'm writing about it here... but I guess it's better than feeling like I did nothing today. I wonder if doing odd jobs like this is demeaning and if Father would consider this lowering myself. Perhaps he would tell me that it helps keep composure or something. He'd probably tell me to obey authority no matter what. I guess that's why I do things like this: because I'm told. But should I always do things I'm told if I don't want to? He would tell me that is selfish, the markings of a brat. A disrespectful fool. Mother would be disappointed in me I'm sure.
I think of them this way more and more lately. Instead of hunting for revenge, I ask what she would have wanted, or what she would have thought of the me I am now. As her son, am I letting her down to be this way? Am I letting myself down? I don't know. But I thought about these things a lot on the way to the Harbor. When at last I got there and obtained the object of my quest, I saw immediately that it was a delicate item, though of what sort I had no idea.
Javelin Lovinghal. In truth, I wasn't familiar with her at all. I supposed she was extremely intelligent though. After all, she was in charge of the research department. Which begged the question, why didn't I know her? The answer? She was more magic-oriented and that was for Jaden and not myself. I preferred the research that yielded solid facts. Things I could trust in. Like if you heated up water, it would boil. Or handling dry ice without gloves would cause burns. Not frivolous spells. Not to insult what Jaden dreams of ... but somehow fairy tales were still just fairy tales. I've experienced these magical things, but it's as foreign to me as the aliens are and I have no desire to engage myself in such things lest it help kill them all.
Despite all this, I couldn't help but wonder why it was covered in so many stickers. If it was so insanely valuable, why was a stupid retrieving it? Surely Professor Lovinghal herself could give up some of her extremely precious time to get something so important? Or was it something else? The teachers all have so much to do all the time, but still... why me? I intend to go into the Science department. Why was I asked to do this? Was it something that couldn't be trusted to a magic student? Maybe it radiated power or something. Wouldn't that be strange? I just couldn't stop thinking about it. Usually such a thing would never interest me, but I was indeed captivated by the pure fact that I was the one getting it. It was more the question of why me? And why something so fragile?
I knew that all this pondering wouldn't help me though. Instead, all I was doing was wasting time I could spend studying. The faster I got this thing, whatever it was, to Professor Lovinghal, the better. I never found out what it was though, but I think it was probably some kind of tome or something. Some really old, really powerful tattered book. Probably anyway. If it was, I'd really have liked to see it. Simply for the research aspect of the entire ordeal. It's probably just another piece to the puzzle of magic and lessons that she can teach future research students. Not like it really matters... but if that's what it was... I wonder if she read it already.
I also can't help but wonder how powerful and dangerous a book could be? Maybe she was trying to learn some new spells? I'll remember to ask Jaden about stuff like that next time I see him. I'm sure he'll know if stuff like that is really so important. Whatever... I wasted an entire day delivering that thing so I can't waste anymore on this journal.
Still... how much longer until I can be a proper student? Not too much I hope.
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Posted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 5:36 pm
11.16.08 >> Fresh For You
Today I endured quite the different distraction from my research. As per the usual routine, I was going about my business, leafing through books, when I received a notice from Headmaster Norman Prinwaltz. I'm sure I still don't know why I write these things down, because it's enough to simply know and remember, but for documentation's sake I shall record it. I suppose that is all I can do with this from now on, since I am rather fed up of the sob story 'diary' it seemingly becomes every so often.
Needles to say, I was slightly anxious about going to see him. He's the Headmaster. That's pretty nerve racking! But ... oddly enough, the only thing he wanted was to make some cookies with me. Or rather, have me make him cookies, since he didn't quite have a grasp on the recipe himself. Thinking back on it... I can't quite express how delighted and proud I am to be able to have assisted him even in so minor a task. However, the Headmaster, I'm sure, would have insisted it was not minor at all, and was a great service to him.
I have to wonder if there was another point to the meeting though. As if he was analyzing me, assessing me. He was polite though and I could appreciate his manners and company. So much so that I look forward to helping him again. The experience reminds me how I miss cooking and how I should perhaps take it up again. It seems I lose more and more of myself while I'm here. But if I'm losing it to my research, it's okay I suppose.
The Headmaster also reminded me of my family in Australia... and of the friends I don't have. The latter doesn't matter (I have Jaden, and one friend is more than enough in this place), but my 'family' is a concern. I wonder... if I write my Aunt a letter, will she get it? Would she reply? I think I will, just to past the time. I'd rather not lose anymore family than I've already lost and today ... I feel more reminded and resolute in that standing.
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Posted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 5:37 pm
12.16.08 >> Labels
A strange request came in the other day. I haven't quite had the chance to write about it till now, for it seems my days are only getting busier and busier. I got a letter slipped under my door. It was waiting for me when I awoke and luckily I awoke early for I shudder to think what could have happened had I woke up late. I would have let down Professor Veilwood and I really don't like the idea of tarnishing my name in front of him like that.
What am I saying? Anyway, I didn't want to disappoint the Professor or his idea of me, not that I would have refused any staff member anyway, and so I went to help out a woman named Alex who didn't really say much about herself except that she didn't really work with all the biochemistry things and rather worked with the weaponry department instead. For some reason, she'd been stuck labeling mixed up vials for Doctor Kenth, who I have yet to meet and look forward to meeting very soon. Needless to say the meeting was very profitable for me seeing as I got to learn a great deal of new herbs and plants to be used in my experiments! There were a great deal of poisonous plants all with different effects and usages!
It seemed somehow that Ms. Alex wasn't so fond of my... interests. I suppose it is a little strange, someone my age being so interested with poisons and whatnot. But is it really so different from any other hobby or like? Instead of preoccupying my time with worthless games, I have even given up cooking for the time being to pursue my knowledge of chemicals for my experiment.
With the knowledge I gained, despite any protest, I'm sure that I will be able to come up with something at least mildly potent soon... yes. Soon.
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Posted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 6:03 pm
Date Unknown>> Scyeth Akazar
Today I met up with Scyeth. Scyeth, my worst enemy. Scyeth, formerly my worst enemy. Scyeth Akazar, a fellow student. A future soldier. A Savior. In the last bit, we are alike. Despite our differences, despite the hate that separated us since we met, I think we can stand on common ground now. I think that I understand a little better, but I can't say I'm happy about it.
It's weird, to be writing it down like this. But I realized today, after talking to him, just how poorly I treated people. Just how condescending I really am. To think that I treat Jaden as something less than a person. To think I've been looking at people like objects to be ignored or used when needed. Important only when necessary.
Is that really how it is? I suppose it must be. So that will end. Of course it will end. It will end, and I'll... accept Jaden's feelings.
That's right old friend, friend of ink and paper, recording my every thought though its silly sometimes... yes.
I'm going to ... go out with Jaden. For better or worse.
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Posted: Sat Nov 22, 2008 5:39 am
Date Unknown>> The Letter He GotQuote: I'm writing this to you, because this is the only way I could ever form these words in a way that I could communicate them to you. I had once planned on never, ever letting you understand how I felt, but now, I feel as though if I contain it, I'll burst. I wanted to tell you in simple words, but...it's you, so I'm sure I'll have to explain. Nat, I love you. I really and truly like you in a way that steps outside friendship. It's so strange, to think of the proper you and the shy, awkward me in that way. This is my confession, I guess, though it isn't a very good one, but I've decided that this paper won't die the way its siblings did to become a piece of the crumpled wasteland of failed notes that was once my room.
But I meant it, Nat, from the bottom of my heart, and now that I've sounded like a simpering girl far too many times in one letter, I will conclude with this. Even...if you cannot like me that way, please...let us still be friends?
Yours, Jaden~(Written by +Sephiros Immortal+)
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Posted: Tue Dec 16, 2008 11:42 am
12.25.08 >> Friendly Threats
I was stopped in the Mall today. It wasn't for anything silly like a question of where something was, or help with another thing. In fact, it was a kid by the name of Zach. I'm not quite sure if that's his full name, or what his full name even is. All I know is that he is a friend of Jaden's. A protective and worried friend, so I could presume. He stopped me, knowing full well who I was, to take me aside and tell me not to ever hurt Jaden.
At the time, I was rather surprised that it had gotten out that Jaden and I were even together. I'm still a little nervous about the whole thing, I admit. However, I think... I think this is good for me. Better than how things used to be. I can see people like people instead of obstacles. What's better than that is that, although it's hard and I'm not comfortable with it yet, I think I've made a friend. Or at least an acquaintance of sorts. Any friend of Jaden's can't be bad at all, and the two of us agree on this at least. I'm not quite sure where my life is going, but I'm motivated to try harder. Motivated to push forward a little. So as soon as I had been 'released' of my discussion with my new companion, I went to the book store to read up on things.
I think that I can move forward now. I feel confident in my ability to do so, because now I have something really worth caring about. I have something other than myself and my conceited desires driving me... and I'm not going to let anything stop me anymore. Not even myself. Just watch Jade, you too Zach, and especially you Scyeth, I'll make it. I'll make it someday. I'll make it as an official student and as the creator of the most lethal poison out there.
Mother, Father, I hope... that despite my choices... you would both be proud of me. No matter what.
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Posted: Mon Dec 22, 2008 5:26 pm
It's around Christmas. One night, you heard a small noise outside of your dorm room. By the time you opened the door, the mysterious stranger had already vanished, leaving you with a brown, unadorned box at your feet.
Upon opening the box, you found a plushie strangely resembling yourself. Attached with the plushie is a small piece of notecard that says: Quote: To Nathaniel:
Merry Christmas! Unfortunately the administrators have been really busy to host a formal event...so here is a small present from yours truely. You have been a great addition to our school, and we truely appreciate you being here with us. Keep up the good works, and have a great holiday!
Also, being the genius that you are, more friends would be nice too! ^__^ Cheers~
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Posted: Fri Jan 16, 2009 3:04 pm
A letter? That doesn't happen often. However, this is definitely a letter, addressed to one Nathaniel Jacobson. It probably took a little while to reach the island; the security is the finest, after all. When opened, the letter is neatly written in pink ink on what seems to be a nice set of stationary. It reads:
Dear Nathaniel,
We have not heard from you in ages! How are you doing at school? I know how hard it is for you to make friends, but you have been there for some time. You should bring them home when you come visit sometime! Why don't you ever come visit? You don't even phone home over the holidays. Not even to tell us about school! (I'm sure your grades are impeccable, as always.)
Anyways, we don't mean to bother, but we were really hoping you might come home to visit soon! We've met a charming girl, and I think she'd be absolutely perfect for you! (I know you haven't met any on your own; you are at an all boys school.) Please right back, Nathaniel, we'd love to hear from you.
Love,
Aunt Prompt Write a letter back to your guardians in no less than 800 words. (Please note, the actual letter can be as along or as short as you'd like. Prompt may include reaction to letter and writing process. The actual letter might not exist, if you decide not to send it.)
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Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2009 2:01 pm
01.18.09 >> GROWTH PROMPT
Time passed, as it tends to do. Originally created by man, to be used by man, it seemed an annoyance at times, while at others it was the answer to a million prayers. When a beloved is on their deathbed, those last few moments are precious. When a child is being scolded, one wishes that the minutes could simply end. It was in this kind of predicament that the British youth found himself debating with. He knew not whether to be grateful for such a letter, to spend the next moments writing a reply, or to perhaps be disdainful of his lack of accomplishments and scorn the thing all together. And so, precious time ticked from the hourglass. Sand grains fell and shifted.
He read it over again. "Auntie Clara," he whispered, almost annoyed as he sat as his desk, his notebook open, the envelope torn and tossed away. The letter lay in his hands, which gripped it almost frowning but not quite. Clara, though no replacement for his mother, was a kind-hearted soul. A pleasant woman with his best intentions at heart. She had taught him cooking when all else failed, and had protected him from being given to foster parents. She, accompanied with her husband, Uncle John, had rescued him from drowning in oblivion. Though they did not realize it, they had given him purpose in life.
Unfortunately, sometimes the woman thought a bit too hard. And although she had the best intentions in mind, she did not always go about them properly. For example... a girl? Nathaniel barely had a grasp on his sexuality, let alone the need to be paired with anyone at all. He was a teenager and did not need any 'life partner' just yet. If he ever wanted one, he could figure that out. The thought made him crinkle his nose and sneer in slight disgust. There was a passing thought of betraying Jaden, but he quickly shook that away.
A sigh ran through him. What should he do? He had to write back, that much was clear. But what to write? How to say it? He supposed he could give her a boring account of his life lately, which would surprise her enough. She knew the him that was used to being nearly silent. Someone who was only good at expressing himself with a force of action, and never in words. What would she think? Did it matter? His toxic liquid green eyes looked away. People were people, they should be treated as such. Authority. Guardians. He had to make up for what was lost by growing up a little inside.
He wouldn't toss the letter aside. Whether it wasted a part of his life or not. And yet... waste was the wrong sort of word. He was doing what was best, because that was all he knew how to do. And because, for some oddly cheesy reason, this was nostalgic. It reminded him of his Mother, and that was a feeling he could not ignore. Would never ignore. Mother would want him to write a letter... would want to hear from him. She would have smiled, proud that Nat was her son, as he always thought he was. And so, pulling out a page from his notebook, he took out his pen and began to scrawl a letter:
'Dear Aunt Clara,
Forgive me for not writing you sooner. I hope this letter finds you and Uncle Johnathan well....'
Just as quickly as he wrote it, he scrawled this out too. No, he couldn't send them something so cold and formal. It had to be... slightly more personable. He tried to remember the feeling of seeing them, of missing them, but could recall nothing. In truth, he had forgotten them most of the time. In truth, there were times he was angry at them for protecting him. In truth... he almost felt this to be a lost cause. But to give up so easily was a disgrace. If he gave up writing a simple letter, how easily might he give up when he was finally able to obtain the materials to make his poison? Unacceptable! And so he began again:
'Dear Auntie Clara and Uncle Johnathan,
It has been a long time, and I send my apologies for not having contacted either of you sooner...'
Nathaniel paused, feeling a little incredulous about the whole thing. He stiffened and looked up at his wall, staring off for a moment. What would he say? Did he tell them? Did he dare tell them about Jaden? About his lack of friends? About his research? They already knew of his intent, though he knew in turn that they wished it gone. Nathaniel's eyes fell back to the letter and a pang went through him. He desperately wished Jaden could be beside him now, helping to quell the feelings he had. The nostalgia, the guilt, the fear.
Nostalgia for his family.
Guilt for his ignorance.
And fear for his choices.
Setting his face, he tossed the pity aside. This wasn't like him. He was smarter than this! He was prouder than all of that! It was a simple letter. He had written these before. It was nothing new. Pushing his ever growing hair behind an ear to keep it from his eyes, he continued with the letter...
'...I've learned quite a lot after my time here at Shinkami. I will continue to learn so much more, and so I hope you can overlook my lack of contact. Despite everything that happened back...'
Line after line. Word after word. Scribble after scribble. Desperation became apparent and he at last tossed the letter aside. It was hopeless. He couldn't find the words to say that fit. He couldn't find his own voice and didn't feel confident enough to talk to his family yet. Only recently had he realized his own flaws. Only recently was he learning about himself better. Only recently had he begun to look at the world for what it was, instead of always looking down at it. And so he could not write this letter yet. He wasn't sure if he would ever be able to. Perhaps the things he needed to tell his remaining family needed to be said in his own voice, in person. And so, he took out one final sheet of paper, and scrawled one sentence onto it.
Taking out an envelope from his desk drawer, he addressed it to his Aunt and Uncle in Australia, put on the return address, placed a stamp on it, and let it sit there on his desk. Perhaps he would send it tomorrow. Perhaps not. Maybe he would never send it at all. He took one last look at it, before checking the clock, grabbing his coat and bag, and leaving the room. He wasn't quite sure why, but he felt the need to mingle amongst his peers. And naturally, with his boyfriend. And so, leaving the letter behind, he left his dorm, wondering so many things.
But most of all... he wondered if he would ever really change.
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Posted: Tue Apr 14, 2009 5:59 pm
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