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 Posted: Wed May 07, 2008 6:55 pm
Sales Pitch
*********
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year, namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! (I told him.)
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He never called back.
Guess I won that stupid argument.
I bet he felt like an idiot
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Posted: Wed May 07, 2008 7:09 pm
Money Power
***********
A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in
this church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to
inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not
have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer,
"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million
bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid
of some of this damn money. "
"I see," said the pastor. "And is this b***h giving you a hard
time?"
~~~~~~~~
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Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 1:27 am
sloweiser ****************************************************** My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me. I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family. And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 1:32 am
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Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 5:17 pm
(("'Do you think English is easy? '"))
******************************
> (The only 'UP' this missed is that you can burn up a house and it
> burns down at the same time)
>
>
>
> 1) The bandage was*_ wound_* around the*_ wound.
>
>
> &nb! sp;_*2) The farm was used to*_ produce produce_*.
>
>
> 3) The dump was so full that it had to*_ refuse_* more*_ refuse_*.
>
>
> 4) We must*_ polish_* the*_ Polish _*furniture.
>
>
> 5) He could*_ lead_* if he would get the*_ lead_* out.
>
> 6) The soldier decided to*_ desert_* his dessert in the*_ desert.
>
> _*7) Since there is no time like the*_ present_*, he thought it was
> time to *_present_* the*_ present_
>
> *8 ) A*_ bass_* was painted on the head of the*_ bass_* drum.
>
> 9) When shot at, the*_ dove dove_* into the bushes.
>
> 10) I did not*_ object_* to the*_ object.
>
> _*11) The insurance was*_ invalid_* for the*_ invalid.
>
> _*12) There was a*_ row_* among the oarsmen about how to*_ row_*
>
> 13) They were too*_ close_* to the door to*_ close_* it.
>
> 14) The buck*_ does_* funny things when the*_ does_* are present.
>
> 15) A seamstress and a*_ sewer_* fell down into a*_ sewer_* line.
>
> 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his*_ sow_* to*_ sow.
>
> _*17) The*_ wind_* was too strong to*_ wind_* the sail
>
> 18 ) Upon seeing the*_ tear_* in the painting I shed a*_ tear.
>
> _*19) I had to*_ subject_* the*_ subject_* to a series of tests.
>
> 20) How can I*_ intimate_* this to my most*_ intimate_* friend?
>
>
> Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
> eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
> English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
> Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are
> meat. We take English for granted But if we explore its paradoxes, we
> find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a
> guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
>
> And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers
> don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth,
> why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one
> moose, 2 meese? One inde! x, 2 ind ices? Doesn't it seem crazy that
> you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and
> ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
>
> If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian
> eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all
> the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally
> insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a
> recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and
> feet that smell?
>
> How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
> and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
> of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in
> which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes
> off by going on.
>
> English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
> creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all
> That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
> lights are out, they are invisible.
>
> PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'
>
>
> *You lovers of the English language might enjoy this
>
> There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any
> other two-letter word, and that is*_ 'UP.'
>
> _*It's easy to understand*_ UP_, meaning toward the sky or at the top
> of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake_ UP_?
> At a meeting, why does a topic come_ UP_? Why do we speak_ UP_ and
> why are the officers_ UP_ for election and why is it_UP_ to the
> secretary to write_ UP_ a report?
>
> We call_ UP_ our friends. And we use it to brighten_ UP_ a room,
> polish_ UP_ the silver, we warm_ UP_ the leftovers and clean_ UP_ the
> kitchen. We lock_ UP_ the house and some guys fix_ UP_ the old car.
> At other times the little word has real special meaning. People
> stir_ UP_trouble, line_ UP_ for tickets, work_ UP_ an appetite, and
> think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is
> special.
>
> And this_ UP_ is confusing: A drain must be opened_ UP_ because it
> is stopped UP. We open_UP_ a store in the morning but we close it_ UP_
> at night.
>
> *We seem to be pretty mixed*_ UP_ about_ UP_! To be knowledgeable
> about the proper uses of_ UP_, look the word_ UP_ in the dictionary.
> In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes_ UP_ almost 1/4th of the page
> and! can add _UP_ to about thirty definitions. If you are_ UP_ to it,
> you might try building_ UP_ a list of the many ways_ UP_ is used. It
> will take_ UP_ a lot of your time, but if you don't give_ UP_, you may
> wind_ UP_ with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it
> is clouding_ UP_. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing_UP_
>
> *When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things*_ UP_.
>
> *When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry*_ UP_.
>
> *One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it*_ UP_, for now my time is
> _UP_ , so.......... . it is time to shut_ UP_.....!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 5:59 pm
Directions
********
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her
husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some
more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn
them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to
get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be
CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry
up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You
know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 7:45 pm
TRIVIA:
*******
A shrimp's heart is in its head..Yuck!!
The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.... Piece a cake...
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants. ....Heard it's a delicacy in
India...Lol
Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times....Whew. ..Glad to *hear* that
If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14,Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16 1969, make it illegal for U.S. Citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?... .Dunno
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere... ..(Out of uniform, no doubt)...
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why......Cmon Einstein,
tell me..
23% of all photocopier faults world-wide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts...You gotta be kiddin me!!!
Most lipstick contains fish scales.....How bout (lip pencils)...
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different... ..Do the Police stations know this?
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.....
If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out....Never tried it...Lol
In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an Ostrich buried its head in the sand....Who would care....
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.....Who got big bucks for this research???
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit....Omg! and here all the time,
I thought it was uhhh, like a dumb a**...
More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call....Another genious at work.....Funny, I was never polled on that...
Horses can't vomit....Arent ya glad...
Butterflies taste with their feet....Uh Huh...
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.... Too bad we cant put a *patent* on em...
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.....Haha. ..Is that *world-wide* ?
On average people fear spiders more than they doDeath....Yeah, Right...
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.. ..Ninety percent of *welfare offices* filled to the rim...
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal
Ads for dating are already married..... So, Whats new...
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.....Do you really want
it to?
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.....That' ll be me!!!
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.. ..Do tell....Lol
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.....That' s called, "Flashin the
Lashes"...
It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow....I'll bet your gonna try it anyway....HaHa
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.... .Sounds like the builders of my house....
A snail can sleep for three years....Really? ...But watch out when it wakes up!!!
No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH.".... I'll work on that one...
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing....Bunch of bull !!!
The electric chair was invented by a dentist....Surprise , Surprise !!!
All polar bears are left handed....Gee, Im glad you told me that....
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes... ..Thank Goodness for *modern technologies*...
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.....I know people like
that...
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.... .Yep....
"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language....
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall....Nothing unusual about that...
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.....It dont have to....
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match....I never saw em
when I was growing up, so where were they, and who used em..
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.....No doubt
Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life is too short !!! Break the rules !!! Forgive quickly !!! Kiss slowly !!!
Love truly !!! Laugh uncontrollably !!! And, never regret anything that made you smile !!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 7:51 pm
The Smart Blond
**************
>A blonde walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see
>the "upturn".
>
>"I think you mean the 'intern', don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.
>
>"Yes," said the blonde. "I want to have a 'contamination. ' "
>
>"You mean 'examination, ' " the nurse corrected her.
>
>"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."
>
>"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."
>
>To which the blonde replied, "Upturn, intern, contamination, examination,
>fraternity, maternity... what's the difference? All I know is I haven't
>demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 8:13 pm
Indian Mating Season
******************
> Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking through the
>woods.
>
>All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small
>
>cave.
>
>"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"he called into the cave and listened
>
>closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He
>
>then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
>
>The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all
>
>about.
>
>"Was the other Indian crazy or what?" The Indian replied "No, It is our
>
>custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo!
>
>Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means
>there's
>
>a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us."
>
>Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the
>
>cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there
>
>was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"from deep inside.
>
>He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
>
>The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
>
>spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge
>
>opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!
>
>It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really
>
>big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and
>hollered with
>
>all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
>
>Like the others, he then heard an answering call,
>
>"WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"
>
>With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,
>
>tearing off his clothes as he ran.
>
>The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read....
>
>NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 8:17 pm
Real Newspaper Ads...
********************
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd. .
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat ... been out a while.
Better be a reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.
AND THE BEST ONE :
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes
Excellent condition
$1,000 or best offer
No longer needed, got married last month.
Husband knows everything
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 8:31 pm
The New Supermarket
*******************
> The new supermarket near my house has an automatic water mister to
> keep produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of thunder
>and the smell of fresh rain.
>When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and
>detect the aroma of fresh hay.
>When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle
>and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
>The veggie department features the sound of a gentle breeze
>and the smell of fresh buttered corn.
> >>>> >
>I don't buy toilet paper there any more
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 9:23 pm
Vet School
*********
First-year students at Auburn University's Vet School were receiving their
>first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the
>surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
>
>The professor started the class by telling them, In Vet Medicine it is
>necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: "The first is that
>you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body."
>
>For an example: The Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in
>the butt of the
>dead cow, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.
>
>"Go ahead and do the same thing,"he told his students. The students freaked
>out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a
>finger in the a**l opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
>
>When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The
>second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger
>and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
Worry is a misuse of the imagination.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 5:18 pm
funny! haha! love the thread
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Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 6:51 am
FUNNY, WHETHER TRUE OR NOT
***************************
>Dr. Judy Mulcahy, a professional genealogical
>researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's
>great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, a fellow lacking in
>character, was hanged for horse stealing and train
>robbery in Montana in 1889.
>
>The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing
>on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this
>inscription: "Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to
>Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed
>the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton
>detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."
>
>Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's
>staff of professional image adjusters cropped Remus's
>picture, scanned it, enlarged the image, and edited it
>with image processing software so all that's seen is a
>head shot.
>
>The accompanying biographical sketch is as follows:
>"Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana
>Territory. His business empire grew to iclude
>acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate
>dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883,
>he devoted several years of his life to service at a
>government facility, finally taking leave to resume
>his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key
>player in a vital investigation run by the renowned
>Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away
>during an important civic function held in his honor
>when the platform upon which he was standing
>collapsed."
>
>And THAT is how it's done folks
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 7:00 am
Hmmm... ~sloweiser~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Robot Bartender smile
******************
>A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he
>noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention
>and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
>.
>The man thought a moment then replied?
>
>"A martini please."
>.
>The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man
>had ever had.
>.
>The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered "Oh,
>about 164."
>.
>The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity',
>inter-stellar space travel', the latest medical breakthroughs, etc...
>.
>The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a
>different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and
>asked what he would have? "A martini please."
>.
>Again it was superb.? The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?"
>.
>This time the man answered , "Oh about 100". So the robot started
>discussing
>.
>NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the
>Dodgers to do this week end.
>.
>The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a
>stool..... light beer for me, and the question, "What is your IQ?" This
>time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50".
>.
>The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,
>.
>.
>.
>"A-r-e...y- o-u-r...p- e-o-p-l-e. ..g-o-i-n- g...
>t-o..n-o-m- i-n-a-t-e. ..H-i-l-l- a-r-y-??? ??
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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