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 Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 10:25 pm
Sweetnessfairy was humming softly to herself once again as she twirled and danced in her kitchen. She was baking chocolate chip cookies.
Santa hadn’t ruined her festive spirit and the New Year was already here, but her craving for cookies hadn’t gone away. In fact, her craving for baked goods rarely went away, but that was a different story.
Anyways, as she popped another batch of the sugary cookies into the oven and licked off her fingers she heard that same peculiar noise from the fireplace, but she acted like she hadn’t noticed it. Her eyes were narrowed … Sniper Clause had come back for her.
One, two , three steps… he was close now, she could hear him, and as she straightened to her full height of four feet no inches, she whirled just as Santa lowered the gun to the back of her head.
“HO HO H---“ Santa began to bellow, but Sweetness dove to the side and flipped in the air. “NOT SO FAST, SANTA,” she exclaimed, skidding to a halt on the slippery kitchen floor.
Sniper Clause scowled behind the mask. “The last one of you little ninja Elftechs! YOU CAN’T STOP ME.”
“OHO. YES I CAN.” Sweetness leapt up and kicked him in the face. She landed in a crouch then, and smoothly withdrew a Christmas bell from her pocket, jingling it.
“WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS, WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS, WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR.”
Santa’s eyes widened and he stumbled back. “NO. NOT THE CHEER.”
Sweetnessfairy, the singing Elftech, continued without mercy. “NOW BRING US SOME FIGGY PUDDING, NOW BRING US SOME FIGGY PUDDING, NOW BRING US SOME FIGGY PUDDING AND A CUP OF GOOD CHEER.”
“NO. YOU CAN’T HAVE PUDDING,” screamed Santa, stumbling backwards.
Sweetness grinned in triumph. “I WON’T LEAVE YOU ALONE UNTIL I GET SOME, SANTA. I WON’T LEAVE UNTIL I GET SOME, SANTA, I WON’T LEAVE UNTIL I GET SOME, SANTA, SO GIVE IT TO ME RIGHT NOWWWWWWWWW.”
That did it. Turning on heel, the chubby “hero” stumbled towards the fireplace and fled for his life and sanity.
Sweetness returned the bell to her pocket and watched him go, then shrugged, turned on heel, and went back to baking her cookies.
Santa had been thwarted once more.
--
The TV came to life and showed the two same reporters.
The blond girl, today, was red in the face and had a twisted, annoyed expression. The dull reporter, on the other hand, had gone through a transformation; he was grinning from ear to ear with a devious glint in his eyes and he winked as they went on air.
“Good Afternoon folks,” he began, fully ignoring his co-host.
With a determined expression, the blond girl continued, "THERE HAS BEEN ANOTHER KILLING---“
“Ah yes. Another death has occurred," the male said loudly, cutting in. She shot him a glare and he winked back.
“Anyways," he continued, "`Kashi was found dead today, and apparently he’d been skinned alive by the Cheery Killer…”
He looked at his co-host, expecting her to cut in, but all she could do was bat her eyelashes at the screen at the mention of the Cheery Killer.
He rolled his eyes at her, cleared his throat and continued with the report. “We suspect it was him because there were squares of his skin found around the scene with snowflakes cut out of them. A once innocent childhood hobby has become sinister…”
“And wonderfully gruesome,” mumbled the blond girl quietly, staring dreamily at the screen.
The male reporter stared over at her with a raised brow, challenging her silently to finish the report.
It took her a moment to notice and when she did she shook her head violently, glaring over at him. “ALRIGHT YES. SO THE CHEERY KILLER KILLED AGAIN AND THAT IS BAD FOR SOCIETY BECAUSE PEOPLE DON’T REALLY ENJOY DYING ON A REGULAR BASIS.” She giggled softly and flipped the hair from her face.
The male reporter’s eye twitched again.
“AHEMMMM. So.. this is ME.” She pointed to herself. “And… him,” her voice was distasteful and she jutted a thumb at the other reporter without looking at him. “SIGNING OFF FROM WHERE WE SIGN OFF FROM! Keep an eye out! The Cheery Killer is on the loose!”
--
Amigo_amigo_amigo winked at Herbert as they pushed him into the office.
“Hey there, looking good today…”
Herbert stared up from behind his spectacles and raised a wiry eyebrow at the guards. One shrugged, the other leaned forward… “We forgot to grab his glasses,” he whispered, making an “oops” face.
Herbert nodded in understanding and brushed his fingers over the parchment. It made a quiet hissing sound.
“You’re all finnneee looking ladies,” Amigo said, laughing to himself as he looked blankly at his surroundings.
One of the guards stared piercingly at Amigo, but his expression faded after a quelling look from Herbert.
“Your name is Amigo_amigo_amigo?” Herbert asked quietly.
“That’d be me! My full name! My parents were real creative when I was born.” He chuckled, and then squinted blindly. “You certainly have a deep voice for a female…”
“That’s because I’m not a woman.” Herbert shook his head and picked up his quill, bending forward to write Amigo’s name down on the list.
“Oh c’mon, don’t be shy…” Amigo chuckled, staring at the wall and thinking he was talking to Herbert. “You’re beautiful no matter how deep your voice is…”
The Elf Guards watched in horrified amusement as Amigo tried to sweet-talk the wall.
When Herbert finally finished getting Amigo’s name down he sighed lightly and nodded. “That’s it… take him away….”
“Bye now, keep on staying beautiful.” Amigo winked at the wall and laughed as they tugged him out of the room.
Herbert shook his head. No wonder the Head Elf had gone batty.
Sweetnessfairy, your last Elftech Agent, saved herself from being Santa-Sniped and therefore her identity is revealed, `Kashi got crazily killed and Amigo_amigo_amigo got tossed into the Land of Bad Children.
The Old Year may have been defeated, but now he wants revenge. Bloodied and wounded, the Old Year gobbled up Akai_Uchiha with soy sauce.
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Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 11:01 pm
Respectful Rhino cursed as he wildly slammed the buttons on his Xbox controller.
Rhino had gotten Halo 3 for Christmas and now he was pwning some worthless n00bs. “DIE DIE DIE!” He shouted intently, face inches from the screen.
“NO, NO YOU IDIOT, DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?” He cursed again, picking off the last three n00bs with expert shots. “HA. DIE DIE DIE. I KILLED YOU.”
“And I’m about to kill you.” The voice came from behind and Rhino was so distracted he barely had the chance to turn around, let alone wonder who was speaking, before Santa’s bullet plummeted through his skull.
“WHO’S THE N00B NOW?” Santa cackled, following it with his traditional “HO HO HO” of evil doom.
Sniper Clause could almost taste sweet victory in the air…
Respectful Rhino was late Christmas gift #5.
--
The TV blipped to life and displayed a single reporter, it was the male from before and he was looking quite full of himself. Coughing lightly into his hand, his lips quirked up in a suave smirk and he winked at the camera. “Good Afternoon, folks. My cohost – quite unfortunately – is busy running a ‘We love the Cheery Killer’ rally today, so the reporting has been left up to yours truly.”
He swiped his hair smoothly from his face and continued. “Meiko_Michan was found dead this morning; she’d allegedly been stoned to death by leftover fruitcake.” The reporter blew some hair from his face and sighed. “This was the Cheery Killer’s tenth kill… does that mean the killings will stop? Will this zealot of Christmas ever come to his senses? We honestly don’t know.”
He cleared his throat and grinned. “What we do know is this – my cohost is an idiot – hope your new year is happy!”
--
Herbert watched with questioning eyes as Lady Rai danced into the room. She giggled as she entered and flowed over to Herbert, bowing low.
The two Elf Guards looked worn out.
“Sir, may I have this dance~?”
Herbert, a good deal shorter than her, raised his stringy eyebrows and nodded. “Alright, dear, but only for a moment…”
“A moment is all we need,” she said in a soft voice, taking his hand as he walked out from behind his desk.
They had no music, but Lady Rai hummed a strange sort of tune all made up of “la la la.”
Herbert and Lady Rai twirled around the floor, she was bent over to match his height, and as they stilled Herbert sniffed and dabbed tears from his eyes. “That was lovely dear… just lovely.”
“Why thank you~” She said, twirling back to the guards. Herbert sniffed, shook his head roughly to snap himself out of it and then sat again, staring down at the Naughty List. How could he put such a lovely person on it?
The two Elf Guards seemed to know something he didn’t because neither of them looked entranced.
“Alright…” Lady Rai said, suddenly grinning at Herbert. “YOU WANT TO SEE MY NEW HIP HOP MOVES!?!?!”
With that she threw herself forward and began jerking back and forth so quickly that she was nothing but a blur to Herbert.
His eyes widened and his jaw dropped as she started to remove her shirt. “STOP HER.” He cried desperately, shielding his eyes, and the two Elf Guards thankfully managed to do so.
“HEY NOW. YOU STOPPED MY PROGRESS,” she whined, pushing out her lower lip.
Herbert fiddled with his spectacles and regretfully, even though she was a bit… sudden, began to write her name on the list.
It was a shame, really, that’d been such a wonderful dance…
Respectful Rhino has been Santa-Sniped, Meiko_Michan has been Cheerily Killed and Lady Rai was punted into the Land of Bad Children.
The Old Year, seeking strength for his revenge, gobbled up Cheesypoof and Tootsiefruity with barbeque sauce.
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Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 11:04 pm
Mithrendile sat on his bed reading through his beloved Kingdom Hearts game manual.
There wasn’t one patch of wall that had gone uncovered with Kingdom Hearts posters. His Kingdom Hearts and Kingdom Hearts II game boxes were displayed beautifully on his shelf dedicated to Kingdom Hearts… and he was even wearing Kingdom Hearts boxers.
Riveted, he flipped a page and soaked in all the information he could about Sora’s 3958275th Keyblade, even though he’d already read this entire manual exactly a billion and a half times.
When Santa came through the door with his loaded rifle Mithrendile was unfazed. He scooped up his model of Sora’s Keyblade (it was always right next to him) and swung it in the air.
“HEARTLESS SNIPER CLAUSE, YOU CANNOT KILL ME.”
Sniper Clause stared at Mithrendile, puzzled, then shrugged and pointed the gun at his head. “SUBMIT TO THE DARKNESS.”
“NEVAR!” Mithrendile shouted, diving for Santa.
An epic battle took place in Mithrendile’s room, Santa shot, Mithrendile swiped with his Keyblade and the entire time Mithrendile loudly hummed the Kingdom Hearts battle theme, but even that did not help him… for Sniper Clause is not easily beaten.
“HO. HO. HO.” Santa cackled, kicking Mithrendile’s bloody Keyblade from his dead body. “GAME OVER.”
Mithrendile was late Christmas gift #6.
--
For the final time the TV blipped on and displayed the two same reporters from before, but it was as if they had switched places.
The once dull reporter looked joyous and satisfied and the once over-bubbly reporter appeared dull and much like she didn’t want to be there.
“MORNING FOLKS,” he exclaimed enthusiastically, winking. “Morning,” the female mumbled, nodding at the screen.
“Since you’re so enthusiastic today why don’t YOU tell the nice people what happened eh?” The male looked at the female and winked with a devious glint in his eyes.
“Fine,” she said, monotone. “Apparently Inasanemonkey1230 died last night after drinking poisoned eggnog. There you have it, happy?” She glared at the screen and looked down, picking at her nails.
The male reporter looked satisfied and cleared his throat. “AH YES. So there you have it! The Cheery Killer has struck once more! Terrifying, isn’t it?”
“He didn’t come,” she mumbled, staring down. “He didn’t come to my rally.”
“NO HE DID NOT!” The male laughed smoothly and shrugged. “Oh well, has busy work to do I guess… all that killing…”
“KILL ME CHEERY KILLER, I DON’T CARE HOW I SEE YOU.” The blond suddenly leapt onto the desk in and squished her face against the camera. “COME KILL ME. PLEASE COME KILL ME.” She flailed and screeched. “CHEERY KILLER I LOVE YOUUUUU.”
It took the guards a moment to get over there shock, but once they did they came over and peeled her away from the camera. She struggled and screamed as they carried her off.
The once dull reporter watched, stricken for a moment, then looked at the camera with a sly wink. “So it is a Happy Holiday after all! Be safe everyone and remember not to trust strangers, especially ones who are carrying knives, thank you and good night!”
--
Herbert heaved a long sigh as his old fingers traced over the names on the Naughty List.
They’d worked so hard, they’d jailed the strange, the innocent, the Naughty… and yet they had still failed.
The two Elf Guards sniffed in the corner, trying to keep their emotions under control. Elf Guards just didn’t cry.
“It’s alright, gents, it’s alright…” Herbert rolled up the ridiculously long list and picked it up, then made his way over and patted each of them on the shoulder “We fought a good fight and lost… that doesn’t mean we’ve failed for good… no worries… we’ll find a new Santa that doesn’t have mental problems.”
They sniffed and nodded quickly. Herbert nodded back to them in encouragement and headed for the door… “Now… I do believe it’s time we leave…”
With that Herbert strode through the door with the two Elf Guards shuffling behind him in tow…
The duct-tape office was now empty.
--
Sniper Clause tugged on Rudolph’s reins until he landed in the dark alley, usually he didn’t make stops like this, but… he’d seen something that had caught his interest.
As he landed a figure came scuttling out from behind a trash bin, his eyes wide with crazed Christmas cheer. He was dressed all in Christmas colors, there was mistletoe pinned to his shirt and he had both a jester’s hat and a Santa hat on. There were bells jingling around his neck, hanging off the cuffs of his sleeves and several were sewn into his red mittens.
The Cheery Killer jingled as he walked forward, staring at Santa in twisted respect.
Rudolph the dead-decomposed reindeer snorted and watched as Santa strode forward.
The Cheery Killer bowed low, jingling as he did so. “You are Ssssssanta.”
“Yes, I am,” Santa said quietly, staring at him through his mask.
“Who are you?” Santa raised his brows and studied the Cheery Killer.
“Why I am the Cheery Killer… can’t you ssssssssssssssssssee that?”
Santa cocked his head to the side and blinked at the Cheery Killer, then suddenly his eyes widened.
“… is that you, Mercain?”
The Cheery Killer’s eyes widened as equally as Santa’s. “… Peanut?”
“MERCAIN!”
“PEANUT!”
Santa ripped off his mask, threw it down, and the two happily embraced.
“PEANUT!” Mercain said loudly. “PEANUT HOW YOU’VE CHANGED! YOU GREW A BEARD…”
“YOU JINGLE NOW!” Exclaimed Sniper Clause while wiping a tear from his face. “IT’S BEEN SO LONG SINCE CHEERY COLLEGE…”
“TOO LONG.” Mercain sniffled.
The two jumped around happily until Rudolph snorted and stomped hooves loudly on the pavement. Sniper Clause heaved a sigh and looked back. “Rudolph, I KNOW alright? I KNOW we still have one last thing to take care of…”
Dawning lit in the Cheery Killer’s eyes and he nodded… “Ah… the singing Elftech. Sweetness.”
“Sweetness,” Sniper Clause grinned. “How about we pay her a visit together?”
The Cheery Killer shook around, jingling himself in excitement. “LET USSSSSSSSSSSSS PAY HER A VISSSSSSSSSSIT.”
--
Sweetness had just finished baking a cake when the two arrived, but only Santa showed himself at first…
She hummed to herself as she began icing it, and then looked over, tutting as Sniper Clause walked into the room. “So soon, Santa? You’ve lost. Or do you want some more Christmas Cheer, huh?”
“I’d love some,” Santa replied, challenge glinting in his eyes.
Sweetness set down her icing utensils and folded her arms. “Oh really?”
“Try me, Elftech.” Santa hefted his rifle and his eyes blazed with fury.
Sweetness, unsuspecting, laughed a squeaky elf laugh and strode forward, clearing her throat. “JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE ALL THE WAY..”
Santa’s eye twitched…
“OH WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE ON A ONE HORSE OPEN SLEIGH! HEY!”
A shadow crept behind Sweetness as she approached Santa…
“JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE ALL THE WAY…”
Santa took a step back, unable to face the cheer…
“OH WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE ON A ONE HORSE OPEN SLEIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-----“
At that very moment, when Sweetness’ voice had reached a deadly octave, the Cheery Killer dove forward with his knife, driving it into the Elftech’s back.
She gasped, eyes widening. “No,” she whispered, fighting for breath. “No….”
“Yes.” The two killers said in unison.
The Elftech’s frail figure collapsed… and Sweetness was no more.
Santa laughed heartily and held his hand up for a highfive. “WHOO. HEY HEY HEY. WHO’S MY FAVORITE KILLER?”
“ME?!” Squeaked the Cheery Killer, bubbling over with excitement.
“YOU!”
“WELL YOU’RE MY FAVORITE KILLER,” the Cheery Killer was grinning from ear to ear.
“Let us be off then, my dear friend…” Santa’s voice was dreamy and satisfied.
“Yes… yes… it is time..” Replied the Cheery Killer.
And with that the two smiled at one another, kicked Sweetness’ body out of the way and skipped out of the room, arm in arm, all the while singing… “WE WERE DREAMING OF A WINNNING CHRISTMASSS.. AND THAT’S WHAT WE GOTTTTTTTTTT.”
CONGRATULATIONS TO THE PEANUT SMUGGLER, AKA SNIPER CLAUSE AND MERCAIN, AKA THE CHEERY KILLER.
YOU GUYS WON!
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