LibidinalCatharsis
Okay first of all... you need to figure out what YOU want.
You need to figure out how you feel and if you love her. Obviously you care about her, but you can't just give up on a relationship because you're young and you don't think you'll be together forever. Relationships are not about lasting a long time... they're not about what you can get... they're not about sex, which is why "friends with benefits" never work out for the better (trust me... I learned this the hard way... although I was lucky enough to be given a second chance). What relationships are about are (two things):
What you want: for yourself, to better your life and your own being
and what you can learn: about what you want and about yourself, as well as, about your other.
You obviously have much to learn, which is why I think this relationship may be worth saving. If you still love eachother, you should still be together. There is no reason why two people who are in love should not be together.
So stop trying to chicken out and trying to break up with her and give it a chance, just because you don't know if you can make it. Because then you won't. You have to work hard at this sort of thing, because you both deserve it.
Well...the friends with benifits thing never worked out because we couldn't figgure out how to be just friends and not girlfriends, not because the relationship was hinged on sex.
I kind of realized last night that maybe I was using her as a scapegoat to hold myself back. As in, I held myself back, and preteneded it was her fault, on a very subconcious level. I know a relationship is about growth. We have grown together sooo much over the past year and a half. I went from a stupid self injuring emo kid in denial to a confident woman. A lot of that had to do with Molly. I think I'm really scared of not growing and not changing anymore. Obviously that's unavoidable but...I think that fear played a big part.
It's also far more complicated then "you love each other, so be together." I love her...but I think, right now, it needs to be as a friend. I think I need to grow more as a single person. I don't want to miss out on anything. I wouldn't call breaking up with her chickening out. Trust me, we're past that. If I were to chicken out, it would have been long, long ago when she kissed me for the first time and I cried for what it meant and cheated on my boyfriend and everybody hated me for a few months :] We made it through that together. Now things are smooth sailing.
Someday maybe we'll get back together. But that can only happen after we've both completly moved on and then returned to each other. If you love someone, let them go? Cheesy, yeah, but I guess that's how I feel. It's like catching butterflies. You so, so lucky when you get one. But you have to...let it fly. I mean, things are nice for a while, but...I don't know. If you don't let them go, they'll die, and then you'll hate yourself. So you don't let them go with regret or sadness. It's with a sense of...moving forward. Positive change.
It's all good and well that I can say this now, and I can be "confident" that it was the right choice (despite laying in bed trying to sleep and feeling a little hollow inside) but when I see her...I kind of crumble. I look into her eyes and they're so bright. Every accidental touch means something and it's all I can do not to make something of it. Argh. But I just think we need to set boundaries...and as time passes, we'll adjust. Meh.
<3 thanks for your input.
Reply
