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Dear Journal,

I am a fool. Just now my father has left my room, after a very awkward experience. He was more calm then I expected, for my having been gone four days, but looking at him, I regret leaving. His eyes seem sunken in, bleary. His hair is dull and his cheeks are sinking in. If I had known he would go all to pieces...

But he yelled at me. So, I thought I was...No, I just wanted to get away from him.

Talking to me like i'm older made me think much more then yelling at me had. He's not treating me like i'm five anymore. And to think I was planning to go off and sleep with anyone who could teach me to seduce him.

He wants me to give up the stupid chase i've got. He's scared, I can see it. He said that he can't love me the way I want him to. I don't believe him for a moment, but I know he will never allow himself to act. He's just like his own statues! Cold, unresponsive, unmoving statue!

He has a heart pulsing under his shirt. It flutters madly when I am around him, I can see it shift his shirt, while he breathes. He cannot be a statue, he just wishes he was.

Enough of my father's emotional problems. I've got my own to worry about.
I've never been a normal child, not after I lived at GD's mansion. Laertes has made me see that perhaps my time there had...Affected me in a way I never realized before. Earlier, when I was still younger, before puberty. I wanted to be a girl. When my voice started to change and my hormones began kicking in, I felt myself changing, for the worse. More crude, wild, uncontrolled. Girls, I learned, are refined, and have much more class then men. I wanted to be classy, and thought being a man would prevent me from doing so.

But the thought of being a girl has never brought me happiness, because that isn't who I am. I was watching Cabaret, a while ago, and found myself captivated by the MC. He was male, but also very well controlled, slick and elegant. Between his black tux and his tiny shorts, he was confident with his manhood, but not the type of man I am disgusted by. A mix of male and female, of stregnth and sensitivity.

And I love tights, what can I say?

Something else caught my mind, the fact that i've never considered going after a girl. I've never been attracted to women, I mean, beyond friendship. I suppose it's because I identify with them too much to really...I don't know, but I don't think it would work out. Besides, with women, it's more i'm drawn to their physique, and their nature, then their bodies.

So...I think I was meant to be gay, from the beginning. It seems crude to say so, but unless something changes soon, I can't imagine myself going after a girl. I don't think it's a problem, I mean, I'm certain Dian is gay. Hikaro...Well, I don't know about him, but he's cool, nothing really bothers him all that much.

Ugh, enough writing, Imma go play with Isaura!

Until then,

Always,

Raissen

Entry nine, June 30th, 2005

Dear Journal,

It seems neither of my boys can stay out of trouble. Hikaro, I learned, was playing in the park when he tripped and fell and disloged several of his primary feathers. I've got him bandaged up and resting in his room, but since he wasn't doing anything reckless (I presume) That's as far as it went. He'll be grounded until his new feathers come in, however. Grounded I mean, from flight, not grounded as in i'm punishing him. I brought him some cocoa to help him feel better, and he asked if we could make smores. I told him later tonight we could fire up the BBQ and roast some, and he smiled. I'm sure Raissen would like that too.

In brighter news, Raissen's been signed up for Massage classes. Apparently he wants to be a masseuse, not that i'm complaining. It's nice to see him get involved into something he wants to do, rather then putter about the house and stare at me all day. His classes are three hours long, three times a week. I get to be his guinea pig, and from what I've already experienced about his skills, it should be very pleasant.

Weather's been too hot lately to go about wearing sweaters all of the time, so I've taken to tanks, and longsleeved shirts that are lighter, not meant to keep warm. I've wanted to go about shirtless for a while now, but Raissen makes me a little wary, still. I found that sleeveless shirts keep me cool enough, so now virtually every day i'm wearing a high collared sleeveless shirt, and bike shorts. I've got one shirt with a peekaboo right in the middle of the shirt, but I don't dare wear it.

When I don't feel like being looked at, sometimes i'll wear pants, but that's just happening less and less often. Sometimes, too, my study becomes too hot, and choked with dust, so I sit on the back porch or the attic balcony and sew.

Up in the attic are all sorts of things, but namely most of my clothes from when I was younger, as well as art I did while still in school. I don't believe either of my children have been up here, and I rather they wouldn't. There are some things I would have quite the hard time explaining, but can't bear to let go. Things like...The corsets I bought at the renaissance faire, pictures of myself when I modeled for my classmates, various wigs, the video from the christmas bachelorette party that went wrong...those kind of things. Of course there are other little things, that I probably should hide better, the handcuffs, leather boots, and the book 'how to knot like a naughty boyscout' being examples. I just havent used them in I don't know how long, six or seven years, at least.

You know, I should probably get to that. The boys are going to wind up there sooner or later, probably some rainy day they can't go outside, and I'd rather not play 'one hundred questions about dad's college days' with them.

Dear Journal,

One night after getting my charge, the little skegg- thing hatched! It was really rather unexpected. I was asleep, under the blankets in this little dress I use as a nightgown, (as it's silky and smooth and very nice to sleep in.) with Isaura curled under my chin, and the egg nestled between cat and neck. It rested naturally, I noticed, against my trachea, touching one of the veins running down my neck. With my pulse, the energy within it thrummed comfortingly. I knew my egg was doing well. Isa also kept it warm, fluffy space heater...

Isaura's getting bigger every day. He's growing fast, cause he's just a kitten, but if he keeps this up, he really will be a big tom cat. Isa also has very little white on him, very different from the other kittens, he looks like he's part siamese. He's certainly got the 'I own the world' attitude down. He struts about, and if he doesn't get his food on time, sets out a loud meow that can be heard around the house. Once you feed him though, he begins purring like a motorcycle, it's almost as loud. He looks so pleased with himself, sometimes.

Anyway, it was around 2 AM when I heard a crick..crick...and a distressed squeak. I thought maybe Isaura had caught a mouse, and was crunching on it's bones. My eyes flew open, and by the light emitting under the door reflecting on Hikaro's wings as he slept, I saw Isaura's face, just as it was when I fell asleep. Panicing a little, I sat up and saw shell bits on my blankets. My tiny skeggu was trying to hatch! It had made a tiny hole in the shell and was peeking its face out, eyes closed, mouth open. But it didn't even remotely look avian or reptilian, it had a human face! I was shocked, What was this thing?

Using my thumbnail, I scored the egg, and began cracking it open to help the little being locked inside. Blonde hair shot out in front of its face, and it wiggled a tiny hand free. It squeaked again, and I hurridly tried to pop off the top of the egg intact. It took forever, it seemed like, trying to break my kritter free without making much noise or harming it. Finally, a crick crick pop! And my skeggu crawled free of nearly two intact halves. I reached over and opened my drawer, and deposited the shells in there.

The little Skegg looked like a Faerie from the books I had read, but with tiny feathered wings, rather than glassy insect ones. It was also just as red as the egg it came from, though its wings were more maroon, and it had that adorable shock of blonde hair that flipped out in front of its face. Suddenly, I was worried Isa might think it was a baby bird, and might try to eat it. But...Isa merely cracked open his eyes, spotted the skeggu, and began grooming it lightly, like it was a kitten! I thought it the cutest thing I had ever seen.

I wasn't afraid that my skegg was in any harm anymore, so I laid back down, and it crawled up to my neck, as it had done as an egg. Tiny hands grasped about me this way, we both fell asleep, warm, dry, secure.

The next morning, dad informed me that we were going to go camping! I was so exited! I've never been out of the house more than the park, or for any longer than when I stayed at the mansion, so I was really jazzed! But...I knew Isa couldn't come out with us, and the skegg...I couldn't leave it! It just hatched!
Dad looked at me and said, "Don't worry about Isaura, Azyre will be house sitting for us, and will feed him." But it really wasn't Isaura I was worried about.

So, I told him, more or less. No, not more or less, I told him that while I was gone, I was given an egg that hatched into a little red winged-thing. I could tell he believed me, although I don't know why, the whole story sounded like I made it up.
He asked though, if he could see it, and I conceded. Secrets are not best held with family. My little Skeggu was lying in bed still, eyes closed, curled up on the pillow. He cooed when he saw it, actually cooed! It was really cute, though, so I don't mind. Dad curled his finger around his chin, and blew upward, to lift that bit of orange hair he lets hang out up out of his eyes. It's irresistable when he does that, I noticed.

"Well...I suppose we'll have to take it with us...Can it fly?" He asked, and I shook my head, "I don't think so."

He said alright and told me to pack. Packing is really a dull affair, so I won't detail.
Later that afternoon, we were on our way. I was wearing one of dad's old business shirts over my tank, 'cuz it had a pocket in the front that my Skegg sat in. The whole ride there, I was discussing what to name it with dad. Hikaro slept in the back seat. He's been sleeping a lot since he got hurt.

We narrowed it down to three: Demoriel, Gazriel, and Tadriemos. I eventually picked Tadriemos, but I don't quite know why. The others sounded more...mean, although Demoriel IS quite pretty. Something told me that the Skegg probably wouldn't like a mean name. That might just be my wishing that my skegg won't be as devious as Isaura is.

The campgrounds were very pretty. Dad got us a spot far away from the other campers, Although it took much longer to get there, I was glad. Here we could stay without worrying about what others saw, or heard, or what not. We could be in peace. Pitching the tents was hell, I'll write about that later.

By the time we were all settled, it was nightfall. Each one of us had our own little tent, for privacy. I could see Hikaro's winged sillhouette from inside his tent when the light was on. Dad's, I presume, was on the other side of his tent.
Tadriemos had barely begun to open its eyes and it was peeping at me softly. Laying back, I lifted it over my head, and it stretched out its little wings. I let it go. It drifted down to my chest like a leaf, swaying from side to side. I did it twice more, Tadriemos seemed to enjoy the brief airborne period. When it landed on my chest, I gently stroked it's wings. The feathers are downy, very soft and delicate. Like this, I fell asleep.

The next day, saturday, I believe, we spent nearly all day fishing. Hikaro tried to prove to us that he could be a kingfisher, and from a perch on the tree, he spotted a 'fish' under the water, leapt out, glid for a moment, tucked in his wings and dived. It looked impressive, but he just came up with a stick with some weeds.
Tadriemos, I noticed, was eating our bait. We were using worms and anchovies, and I saw, after an hour or so, two tiny fishy skeletons next to it. I laughed at this, but wondered if it ate any of the worms. Dad and I caught three bass, and five or six catfish. It was nice to just sit around without really thinking about what to wear, or who to impress, or anything like that. I had the urge to walk about naked for a while, but the abundance of mosquitos made me think otherwise.

Sunday was spent exploring and swimming. Hikaro and I found a rocky cave, and ventured as far into it as we dared. There were pools of clear water in the bottom, but no crystal formations, or stalagmites, or anything cool like that. By the time it got really dark, and our voices were echoing a lot, Hikaro thought there might be a bear inside, we both got the willies, and ran out as fast as we could. Hikaro got more scared then I think I've ever seen him, it was funny.

Dad was swimming when we got back, and we joined him, although Hikaro is a worse swimmer then he would ever admit. Dad and I spent a lot of time trying to teach him, although he has a tougher time because his wings create a lot of drag. I suggested maybe it would be better if he were a penguin, as a joke, and Hika got so mad, he tried to dunk me, but was much too slow. Later that night we made smores, and told funny stories to each other. Dad tried to tell a ghost story, but was too tired and his yawning made it funny, instead. He put out the fire and started putting things away.

We had to pack up some of our stuff, as we were driving back early on monday. We got back home maybe an hour and a half ago so here we are! Tadriemos is snacking on some granola, right now, and Hika is helping dad unload the car, as he was asleep when I helped pack before we left.

It was really fun, all except for the bugs. It's really put all of us at ease, really. There have been some things that have broken us up a little, but now, now we're closer to each other than ever, I think. Dad needed it more than Hika and I, at least. The only thing I would regret was letting Hika put the spider in dad's tent. He flipped out, but thankfully, Tadriemos ate it. I wonder if there is anything this little thing doesn't eat. I'm going to see if I can make a little swing for Tadriemos. If I can, I think it would be really cute.

Until next time,

Always,

Raissen.

Mother made a swing for me today, in the corner of the house. The chain is made of linked clips...Paper clips? And the sit is a popstical stick. I can swing myself, it is better when mother uses voice air to push. Wings catch voice air easy, makes me feel like flying. Mother brother has big wings, but cannot fly from feather gone-ness. I want big wings like mother brother.

I try hard, but don't have enough voice air to tell mother things. Effort makes squeak squeak noise, mother thinks I am hurt. I try to tell no, but squeak squeak tells yes. Mother cries, but not because of I am hurt. Can not tell why. Eye water tastes good, like salty fish, but makes me sad.

What makes mother sad?

I try hearing from neck, but can only tell heart beet. Mother lies me on boa, and big red fluffy makes me want to sleep. Want to watch mother, but big red fluffy makes me want to sleep.

For what seemed like the umpteenth time that week, Raissen was listening to Sweeney Todd. Not only was he in total admiration of every singer on the disc, but he was in love with the era. Not victorian era in particular, but in era clothes in general. With the rise of hip hop and hip hop culture prevalent in everything, Raissen longed to return to a time when baggy clothes, sex, violence, and bling didn't dominate. Then again, he DID like electricity in plumbing...

Hikaro had taken Tadriemos and Haku out to the park, and Dian said he was going out on some errands, so Raissen assumed he had the house to himself.

...He was wrong.

But he didn't know that. So, over the numerous speakers littered throughout the house, he began playing Sweeney Todd, dancing and lipsynching to the song. He always dreamed himself a famous broadway actor with a fabulous voice, inspiring the same level of adoration he felt for the actors he emulated at this time.

He had recently taken a shower, but after putting on his underwear and socks, decided he'd rather dance around the house than finish dressing. Green Finch and Linnet bird had just finished, and the sailor, Antony, was just beginning.

"I have sailed the worlds,
for all its wonders,
from the pearls of spain
to the rubies of tibet,
but not even in London,
have I seen such a wonder!"

Just who he was singing to wasn't very clear in his mind, but that didn't stop him from pretending the opaque figure was the most beautiful being in the world. And he, rather than being a slightly awkward boy, was a gallant sailor.

"Lady, Look at me look at me miss, oh look at me please.
Favor me oh favor me with your glance.
Ah, miss, what do you what do you see off there in those trees,
oh won't you give won't you give me a chance?
Who would sail to spain for all its wonders
when it's here which lays the greatest wonder yet!

Ah Miss look at you look at you pale and ivory skin
look at you looking so sad so queer--"

Raissen chuckled a little. Immature yes, but funny none the less.

"Promise not to retreat to the darkness
back of your window,
not till you not till you look down here.
Look at me!
LOOK AT ME!!
Look at me!"

Dian, meanwhile, had finished his errands early, and was trying to take a nap in the bedroom while Raissen was in the shower. The loud singing awoke him, and he walked into the living room. Raissen turned, and upon seeing him, immediately shrieked,

"DON'T LOOK AT ME!" Before dashing into his bedroom.

...Teenagers.

Dear Journal,

It's still raining here, in a very lovely way. The house is made all the more cozy, being warm and dry, with all of us here. However, we've played all of the board games to death, Twister, Clue (which is very fun to play at night), Atmosfear (which is NOT), Trouble, pictionary, scrabble, monopoly...Dad refuses to let us into the attic to fish around for something to do. He says there isn't anything up there except things from his father, which he doesn't want us poking around in.

Tadriemos has taken to the two Hououza, unsuprisingly. Birds of a feather flock together indeed. Plus, all three of them can twitter just like birds (or idiots, whichever you prefer)

I haven't been in my room much, as you can guess.

I was studying for the masseuse test I have tomorrow, when I realized that Dian had fallen asleep on the couch, in front of the fire. I walked over to him, and watched him for a moment, his chin resting against his chest, legs curled up, book held open by a limp hand. Eyes closed, he looked at peace, for once.

Sleeping that way only leads to neck cramps, I thought, you know, I didn't want him to be cranky when he awoke, so, I ought to put him in bed.

Dian is so light, either I've been working out without realizing it, or the man never eats. I held my breath, I was so afraid of waking him. In his sleep, dear thing, he turned into me and tucked his head against my neck, finally letting go of the book.

His bed is a king sized canopy, the hanging sheets a light mausolin, green, very light and pretty. Laying him down, he sighed softly, fingers twitching a little. For a while I watched him, wondering what dreams ran through his head.

I...I couldn't help myself then. He lay so still...so quiet. I thought, I thought you know, he might have died. Paranoid I know, but I leaned in to see if I could feel his breath, whisper soft against my skin, warm... His lips were slightly parted, in sleep.

I kissed him, those full, beautiful lips. It wasn't like the movies I had seen, with both parties attempting to eat each other's faces. It was timid, I would say, because I knew if I pressed too hard, he would wake up.

He didn't wake up. I told him goodnight and left as fast as I could. My heart was pounding so fast, it was hard to breathe for a moment. Such a small action and I fell all to pieces over it! I'm deathly afraid to try again, but I want to, i'm so tempted to find the euphoria again.

Always,

Raissen.

Entry thirteen, July 17th, 2005

Dear Journal,

Things have been quiet these past few days, so much so I hadn't felt the need to record them in writing. Raissen has a midterm coming up, so he has been very quiet, cramming I presume. Hikaro and Haku have been trying to form a band, an official music group, in an arrempt to make some disposble income.

Haku has bought so many books at the bookstore he's been turning one of the spare rooms steadily into a library. To avoid being a drain on MY income, Haku has progressively tried to become financially independant.

Mother came to visit yesterday. She drove out and arrived at around 10 o'clock in the morning. My mother is so off the wall sometimes, I wish she could have given some sort of warning or other indication that she was going to arrive, rather than me being awakened by the doorbell ringing about five hundred times in rapid succession. It's been a long time since I had seen my mother, and after I had gotten over the initial shock, I was glad she came. It didn't occur to me before that she had never met any of my children, Hikaro, Raissen, or Haku. She took to them like a fangirl to cosplayers. I was never really worried she wouldn't like them, but was pleasantly suprised by the amount that she LOVED them. Raissen especially, I think he tickled her fancy.

Raissen has been on an era kick ever since the first time I took him to the renaissance faire. From 16th century cravat collars and suits with tails and tophats and spats, to corsets and full skirts, to courtisan shirts, bodices and a mini skirts.
Truthfully, the shiny leather is very hot on him, but coupiled with the cat ears, belled collar, tail and mini skirt, he seems a little bit too much like a hentai character for my tastes. Actually, that's not exactly true, it's more like whenever he wears that, I have the strong urge to abuse and sodomise him. It's freakish.

Anyway, he was wearing a leather bodice and miniskirt when mom came. She took one look, whistled, and snapped his tights. I went red with embarressment, Raissen just laughed. My entire family is becoming so odd. We all sat in the livingroom while mom was here, chatting about this and that, talking about recent affairs...

Haku left at about four to run to the book store to buy a hardback on
...The effects of various mental abilities and disorders on behaviour...I wonder why. Next thing I expect the blue haired boy to begin psychoanylizing all of us. Mom made dinner, thank goodness, I couldn't remember the time I had tasted food I hadn't made myself, gave presents to the kids, and left at about oh...Eight-ish.

To Hikaro, she gave a T shirt that said "The next person who calls me goldilocks gets a kick in the crotch." Haku got a two year subscription to National Geographic, and Raissen got a 100$ gift certificate to Victoria's secrets. Me, she gave me the name of a rich young heiriess looking to decorate the manor she's building, right now she's looking for custom made gargoyles and fountain pieces for her garden(s). She absolutely detests modern art, mom said. Hey, we might just have something in common.

It's getting late, and I have a handfull of things to do in the morning.