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 Posted: Mon Oct 29, 2007 9:23 am
Rose.. I will consider writing the letter.. I love the balloons idea as well.. And I may consider one final memo to her saying I'll be around if or when she needs me... but I don't know.. I'm not sure I could deal with yet another response from her right now.. we'll see...
And Joe?? Quit being a baby... no more tears goober.. *hugs*
Life sucks sometimes.. we just keep going.. cause that's what we are supposed to do.. Don't cry for the pain we've gone through.. if anything remember we are no longer victims... and applaud us for making it this far.
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Posted: Fri Nov 02, 2007 5:58 am
Got another message.. Haven't responded to this one yet either...
erin
i hope that you are well and i am sorry that you and i did not get along after all these yrs. i do not want to fight with anyone. i just want to wish you happiness with your beautiful girls and i want to be happy with my family....(me,John,and our son) well hope all is well.
Too tired to figure out how to respond to that.. I want to just ignore it... but I should know ignoring things don't fix them.. *sigh*
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Posted: Fri Nov 02, 2007 2:09 pm
Honestly I would just concider that message as her closure to your friendship and not contact her again. People like that are happy living in their fake happiness so let them but don't let them drag you down in the process. As for your own closure... that is tougher. Having a good support system in your own life will help a lot. Are you with anyone at the moment? If so talk to them about this. Talking about this here, with us, people you can trust is a big step in the right direction!
I was in an abusive relationship when i was younger as well. It started when i was 12. I dated that jerk till I was 16. He was only a few years older than me. I'll just refer to him as d**k. He convinced me that the only way he'd know that I "really" loved him was to have sex with him. The first year we were together was great. He bought me stuff, was really romantic, and just wonderful in every way. Then out of the blue he turned on me. He started raping me and told me it was a symbol of our love and that I should let him do whatever he wanted to me to prove my love for him. My mind back then said "Well, he is older so he must know what he is talking about." Then the other abuse started. He would get angry and physically and mentally abuse me but then he was so apologetic and wonderful to me afterwards I just pretended the bad stuff didn't happen. Happiness is such a fickle thing.
Then I met my now husband, Jason, during the last half of my sophomore year in high school. We met through a mutual friend. Jason saw an exchange between d**k and I. He had berated me for flunking a Spanish quiz. I ended up with a broken nose that day. Jason drove me to the E. R. to have it taken care of. As he drove me home he asked if d**k was always like that and I came up with "reason" after "reason" defending him. That night Jason sat me down and had a long talk with me. The next day I broke up with d**k and almost ended up in the hospital except that Jason came to my rescue and beat the crap out of d**k. I'm not advocating violence but know that I look back he deserved it. My parents never knew about how d**k was. I was clumsy anyway and had low self esteem too. (A common factor that is.)
Two weeks later Jason asked me to be his someone special. He didn't want me to be his girl friend as if I were his property because he wanted me to know I was more to him than that. So we got to know each other for a few years and then started officially dating. He was always there for me physically and emotionally. I got pregnant at 17 with my son but Jason had already asked me to marry him earlier in the year at my senior prom. We had planned on getting married after college but baby sped things up as they tend to do. We grew up faster than any of the people around us but stuff happens. We are still together and choose to have our baby girl last year. Then we choose not to have any more and both got fixed just in case.
It has taken a long time for me to get over d**k and what he did to me. It has caused promiscuity that Jason has been understanding about. Thankfully he really open minded about that sort of thing but that is another topic. Then I stopped wanting sex at all and he had to understand that too. He has dealt with the crying, the mood swings, the flash backs, nightmares, and worse. He has handled them all and relied on me to help him fight his own demons. I knew I was truly on my way to being out of the woods when we made love and he was able hold my hands above my head (gently) and I didn't have an anxiety attack.
Finding something else that is important to you to focus on is the key. It doesn't have to be another relationship as it was in my case. Do you have a favorite sport, craft, hobby, pets, plants, or what have you that you can focus on? I stay so busy in my own life that I do have time for drama they way my friends do. I hear them whine and moan about the drama in their lives and how awful they have it. While I have things on a day to day basis that are a pain, annoying, stressful like red cool aid on my brand new carpet, medical debt, and so on I can't remember the last time I had a drama queen moment. Over all despite the things that aren't so good my life is wonderful right now because I choose for it to be. I look forward to tomorrow because that is what I choose.
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Posted: Fri Nov 02, 2007 8:57 pm
Crafty mama....i can't say anything...I just feel like standing up and applauding. I can not tell you how my heart feels to know that you found happiness. I keep telling myself I'm not going to come in here and read this anymore cause it hurts my heart to much ... but I'm glad i did today!
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Posted: Sun Nov 04, 2007 12:45 am
Thank you craftymama for the post.
@erin: sooner or later (or maybe never?), someone has to get the last word. But, it's the person who does not respond that make the choice to end the communication. That's not the same as ignoring what she said.
I recently had an email exchange with a friend that was somewhat upsetting to me. I could have let it go on for a really long time (we have a pattern of such unproductive exchanges). I chose not to respond to the last two emails from him on that topic and we are both much happier for it. We are still friends, just not as dis-functional as before.
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Posted: Sun Nov 04, 2007 2:26 am
kool ken Thank you craftymama for the post. @erin: sooner or later (or maybe never?), someone has to get the last word. But, it's the person who does not respond that make the choice to end the communication. That's not the same as ignoring what she said. I recently had an email exchange with a friend that was somewhat upsetting to me. I could have let it go on for a really long time (we have a pattern of such unproductive exchanges). I chose not to respond to the last two emails from him on that topic and we are both much happier for it. We are still friends, just not as dis-functional as before. mhm Well ken you know you always have us! we wilurl always and forever be your disfunctional family! hehehehehehe lol! *huggles*
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Posted: Sun Nov 04, 2007 2:31 am
ErinsChaos Rose.. I will consider writing the letter.. I love the balloons idea as well.. And I may consider one final memo to her saying I'll be around if or when she needs me... but I don't know.. I'm not sure I could deal with yet another response from her right now.. we'll see... And Joe?? Quit being a baby... no more tears goober.. *hugs* Life sucks sometimes.. we just keep going.. cause that's what we are supposed to do.. Don't cry for the pain we've gone through.. if anything remember we are no longer victims... and applaud us for making it this far. *wipes tears, smiles and hugs* I know...its just that I love you all so much! And I never want loved ones to suffer. Even though it was way before I knew you all I still hurt just as much. ....and I'm not a baby! hehehehe ...I'm just sensitive! lol hehehehe Real men aren't afraid to cry! >.<
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Posted: Sun Nov 04, 2007 3:11 pm
@ CraftyMama... Thank you sooo much for sharing your story with all of us.. You are a very strong person and I'm glad things have gotten better for you over the years.
@ Ken... I think for now I am just going to continue my silence and no responsiveness.. I may at some point tell her that if she ever wants to talk she knows where to find me.. Ya know... just in case she ever changes her mind or heaven forbid realizes what that man has done to her...
@ Joe.. I'm not sure whether or not to bip you or hug you for continuing to visit this thread lol. But at any rate.. thank you too for being supportive to all of us who have dealt with this type of thing. And you're right.. Real men aren't afraid to cry... *hugs*
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Posted: Sun Nov 04, 2007 10:05 pm
ErinsChaos @ CraftyMama... Thank you sooo much for sharing your story with all of us.. You are a very strong person and I'm glad things have gotten better for you over the years. @ Ken... I think for now I am just going to continue my silence and no responsiveness.. I may at some point tell her that if she ever wants to talk she knows where to find me.. Ya know... just in case she ever changes her mind or heaven forbid realizes what that man has done to her... @ Joe.. I'm not sure whether or not to bip you or hug you for continuing to visit this thread lol. But at any rate.. thank you too for being supportive to all of us who have dealt with this type of thing. And you're right.. Real men aren't afraid to cry... *hugs* *huggles* what kind of friend would I be if I ran away just because it hurts my hearts. I gladly take it if it even brings you an ounce of relief. *snuggles*
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Posted: Thu Nov 08, 2007 3:19 pm
Joe you are so cute sometimes. 3nodding This is a great thread. I've been part of similar topics before that got way out of hand. The members of this guild are super awesome though and handled this topic in a wonderful way. 4laugh
(I'm back for now, btw. My computer decided to let the internet run for the time being... We shall see how long it lasts. *mutters about useless firewalls* Anyone have an extra hundred dollars laying around you could send my way to get rid of a virus that has eaten all my images? They are still there but I can't view any of them. stare Just kidding. I simply need to save up for a paycheck and bite the bullet to get this taken care of i suppose.)
Back on topic... I saw my ex the other day and it was a bit surreal. One of my best friends invited me and my kiddos over to visit. I didn't know he and his family would be coming over until we got there. They currently live in Colorado and were visiting town for the weekend.
Since we broke up he was alone for two years. Very, very alone. He tried several times to contact me and to get back with me but I had already moved on to be with my new boy friend (now husband) and didn't have time for his foolishness anymore. Apparently he attempted suicide and failed. *resists the urge to comment on all his other failures* coff, coff, I digress. Anyway, then a girl he went to high school moved back to town and set her sights on him even though he was apparently not interested. She persisted and they got married. Fast forward... um... wow... over eight years and they have three beautiful little boys and are super happy together. I know it is silly but I have to ask why I wasn't good enough to be happy with? It doesn't matter at all but it does nag for a moment when you think about, no?
Back to the other day... my friend said he had called a few minutes after I had left the house and she didn't think it would bother me so much. So I sat there and visited with the happy little family. What made it even weirder was that about two hours later when my husband got off work he came over to visit also, with no prior warning to who was there. He smiled and was down right pleasant. We visited for almost six hours! Then all the kiddos started to get sleepy as it was nearly 9:30 at night. We all gave hugs and said pleasant farewells. It was surreal. I simply can't think of a better word. Any thoughts?
For an ending thought to that experience my best friend called me later that week in tears. Her boyfriend of three years broke up with her because she was "to perfect for him" and he couldn't measure up. He swore up and down it wasn't her, it was him. Thankfully the kids were already in bed and my hubby was willing to stay home with them. I rushed over and spent the night (and most of the morning) talking with her. I think I am too nice I think as I end up fixing a lot of drama this way for a lot of my friends. It makes for loss of sleep, which isn't such a big deal I guess as I suffer from occasional insomnia anyway, but still...
Today I fell while helping my daughter walk out the door to go bye bye. I tripped because I was watching her feet instead of mine. *mutters about the front step that has been there for six years* I rammed my chin and part of my neck into one of the porch's support posts. It ripped the skin to bleeding like a faucet and caused the whole right side of my face to swell and bruise. I saw my friend a few hours later and she nearly had a cow. She knew Jason (mu hubby) would never hit me thank goodness and believed the truth. It was kind of ironic though as it caused us to talk about my past relationship and she admitted her now ex had been hitting her. She showed me the most recent bruises. I nearly came unglued! Later that evening I paid the b*****d a visit and did come unglued... Pay back is very childish and I do not recommend it but frankly he deserved everything he got. Normally I am not a violent person but people like that make me see red. He took it all like a man and kept quiet because no man wants to admit he got the crap kicked out of him by a woman, especially when she is like half his size. Afterward we talked for a long time. He is now seeing a therapist because he never, ever wants to hurt anyone else.
Wow, once again, sorry about the long post but so much has happened since I was able to post last. For now, back to reality. Anyone want to help with the dishes? rolleyes
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Posted: Fri Nov 09, 2007 11:36 pm
craftymama Joe you are so cute sometimes. 3nodding This is a great thread. I've been part of similar topics before that got way out of hand. The members of this guild are super awesome though and handled this topic in a wonderful way. 4laugh (I'm back for now, btw. My computer decided to let the internet run for the time being... We shall see how long it lasts. *mutters about useless firewalls* Anyone have an extra hundred dollars laying around you could send my way to get rid of a virus that has eaten all my images? They are still there but I can't view any of them. stare Just kidding. I simply need to save up for a paycheck and bite the bullet to get this taken care of i suppose.) Back on topic... I saw my ex the other day and it was a bit surreal. One of my best friends invited me and my kiddos over to visit. I didn't know he and his family would be coming over until we got there. They currently live in Colorado and were visiting town for the weekend. Since we broke up he was alone for two years. Very, very alone. He tried several times to contact me and to get back with me but I had already moved on to be with my new boy friend (now husband) and didn't have time for his foolishness anymore. Apparently he attempted suicide and failed. *resists the urge to comment on all his other failures* coff, coff, I digress. Anyway, then a girl he went to high school moved back to town and set her sights on him even though he was apparently not interested. She persisted and they got married. Fast forward... um... wow... over eight years and they have three beautiful little boys and are super happy together. I know it is silly but I have to ask why I wasn't good enough to be happy with? It doesn't matter at all but it does nag for a moment when you think about, no? Back to the other day... my friend said he had called a few minutes after I had left the house and she didn't think it would bother me so much. So I sat there and visited with the happy little family. What made it even weirder was that about two hours later when my husband got off work he came over to visit also, with no prior warning to who was there. He smiled and was down right pleasant. We visited for almost six hours! Then all the kiddos started to get sleepy as it was nearly 9:30 at night. We all gave hugs and said pleasant farewells. It was surreal. I simply can't think of a better word. Any thoughts? For an ending thought to that experience my best friend called me later that week in tears. Her boyfriend of three years broke up with her because she was "to perfect for him" and he couldn't measure up. He swore up and down it wasn't her, it was him. Thankfully the kids were already in bed and my hubby was willing to stay home with them. I rushed over and spent the night (and most of the morning) talking with her. I think I am too nice I think as I end up fixing a lot of drama this way for a lot of my friends. It makes for loss of sleep, which isn't such a big deal I guess as I suffer from occasional insomnia anyway, but still... Today I fell while helping my daughter walk out the door to go bye bye. I tripped because I was watching her feet instead of mine. *mutters about the front step that has been there for six years* I rammed my chin and part of my neck into one of the porch's support posts. It ripped the skin to bleeding like a faucet and caused the whole right side of my face to swell and bruise. I saw my friend a few hours later and she nearly had a cow. She knew Jason (mu hubby) would never hit me thank goodness and believed the truth. It was kind of ironic though as it caused us to talk about my past relationship and she admitted her now ex had been hitting her. She showed me the most recent bruises. I nearly came unglued! Later that evening I paid the b*****d a visit and did come unglued... Pay back is very childish and I do not recommend it but frankly he deserved everything he got. Normally I am not a violent person but people like that make me see red. He took it all like a man and kept quiet because no man wants to admit he got the crap kicked out of him by a woman, especially when she is like half his size. Afterward we talked for a long time. He is now seeing a therapist because he never, ever wants to hurt anyone else. Wow, once again, sorry about the long post but so much has happened since I was able to post last. For now, back to reality. Anyone want to help with the dishes? rolleyes *huggles craftymama* I hope your chin is better how horrible! .....I think that if my wife ever left me....cause I would only leave her if she cheated on me...I would be able to be civilized. I dont know what to say Crafty....we's mens ares dumbs sometimes! Please don't ever think that is was you that did anything wrong. It just took your husband to loose something so precious to him and alot of time to himself to realize and see where he went wrong. I am happy that you guys were able to talk. *huggles* As for your friend whos ex was abusing her...I wish i was your neighbor cause I would have gone down with you. *huggles* I would have taken all the blame to if the cops showed up so you wouldnt have landed in jail! But please next time be more careful *huggles* I don;t want to see anything bad happen to you.
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Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2007 10:56 am
I don't recommend the "revenge" tactic myself... at least not outloud... but hey.. you gotta vent somehow right? twisted
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Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2007 2:32 pm
Hello, how courageous you are to bare yourself in this way *hug*
Yes... I have been, well not assaulted per se, as molested as a child.
Reading your story causes such a flow of emotions for me...
I really believe the best is that you should not talk to your 'friend' anymore. Clearly she has her own issues, and not the least being her denial of this man's sins against others.
And, regardless of her insisting that their sexual relations were consentual-- she was a child and he was an adult who knew better. I have no sympathy for adults (men or women) who take advantage of the naivete of those so much younger than them.
God have mercy on the person that might try any of that with any of my children.
You need to move on with your life. Talking to her is only going to aggrivate you. You need to heal. You can't make her see the truth.
Again, very brave to be so open about your situation. heart
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Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 8:24 am
Freaky update... my ex showed up at my house yesterday. eek He was in town on business and wanted to come by and visit. I was kind of scared as only myself and my one year old were home. I let him in though, trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. We talked for three hours. Apparently his dad was a drunk and abusive to him when he was little. He wanted to tell me this and let me know that his dad committed suicide last week. Then we talked about the us that was because there is no us now, period. When he was ready to leave he gave me a hug, kissed my hand and then left. I was at a loss on how to handle that. I have only had hate and pity for him since we broke up. What do you guys think?
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Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 11:35 am
craftymama Freaky update... my ex showed up at my house yesterday. eek He was in town on business and wanted to come by and visit. I was kind of scared as only myself and my one year old were home. I let him in though, trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. We talked for three hours. Apparently his dad was a drunk and abusive to him when he was little. He wanted to tell me this and let me know that his dad committed suicide last week. Then we talked about the us that was because there is no us now, period. When he was ready to leave he gave me a hug, kissed my hand and then left. I was at a loss on how to handle that. I have only had hate and pity for him since we broke up. What do you guys think? Your ex did you wrong craftymama...there is no doubt about it. You can choose to either continue hating him or you can forgive him and let things lie at that. Either way I support your decision. I think you've seen he's not the same person anymore. But....never let him kiss you like that again....he doesn't deserve it. *huggles*
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