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 Posted: Tue Aug 24, 2004 10:12 am
What You Do To Me
The day of sun
Has gone by without pain
I've felt at ease
Almost thought that today
Depression lost a little of it's hold
On my mind, on my heart
But then the moment comes
And it all goes away
I hear a voice raise in volume
A shower of heat falls over my skin
Though I look up
I hope to see nothing at all
But the voices get louder
Yelling surrounds me now
I hold back tears
Now wanting to cry
Even scream for them to stop
They don't understand
What their fighting
Does to me
I shut my door tight
And I put headphones on
Play a CD so I can't hear
Ignore what I can't see
I know that everything
Isn't at all ok
But I just can't watch
Or even hear the anger
It hurts me viciously
I feel as though my heart is bruised
I remember the last time
The arguing seemed to never end
It was a nightmare that did not stop
I was always for fear
One of them would suddenly never return
I could never say a word
They never listened
It was if I was mute
But their voices
Remained loud
Never quiet
Days I dreaded
I slept as much as I could
I hide in my room
Rarely coming out
I surrounded myself
With stuffed animals
Refusing to let myself think
Depression would've had it's way with me
I'd believe it was my fault
I'd blame myself for their arguments
I'd not be able to smile
For everything would be because of me
Many times over the years
I had wondered if I was evil
It is horrible to not believe in your own heart
To think you could be heartless
Or worse yet
A demon or devil
Who breaks everyone apart
Not putting into mind
That now I was the one breaking
And it was their yelling
That was making me crack
My mended wounds
Suddenly bleed with fervor
A fire feeding off anger
Consuming rationality
Reality blurred by tears
That I could not cry
Yet wanted to let out
My voice was silenced
I could not speak out
Against what was happening
I knew too well
That I knew so little of the story
But I didn't want to know it
It hurt too much to think of things splitting apart
I knew Mom couldn't survive without Dad
Working makes Mom forget herself
Sacrifice too much for others
Dad could not survive without Mom
He was much too busy looking for how to save money
He didn't care what someone liked
Things of neccessity took precedent even on holidays
They needed each other
I needed them
But my brother said nothing
I could not talk to him
He was consumed with anger
Yelling at me constantly
For just saying hello
What was it that I could do
But hide in my room
As their yelling
Pushed my sanity away
And it should be over
It's not happening daily
But every once in awhile
They yell and things all seem the same
It's like it just continues
And I find it that I seem to not matter
Thoughts of suicide
Enter my mind repeatedly
I wonder would it be best if I died
Still I live for others
Not wanting to hurt them at all
It scares me to think
That they never seem to see
What they do to me
For every action
That they choose
Whether in retaliation
Or after long thought
Their actions affect me
Greater than they can understand
I find myself in fits of annoyance
With my dad
Wanting to just scream at him
Until my lungs collaspe
And then with my mom
Wanting to slap her
Bring her out of her fantasy
Or wherever she goes in her head to think
Because her said reasons for actions
Just seem wrong
I think she'd convinced they are true
When there is something else hidden there
But she doesn't see it
And mostly I don't want to hear it
I don't want to know why she does
What she does
Because what reason is there
To write to a man on death row
When his brother beat her up
Almost took her away from me
Could've killed her
As he did a woman in Kentucky
For which he has never been punished
Does she not wonder
Or fear that one or both
Will come after us
Will kill Dad or my brother
Will kill me or even her
They've killed before
Why else would one be running
And the other waiting to die
It just isn't right
That I must sit in fear
Of this being the last time I see my parents
That this is the last time they smile or laugh
That this is the last time I have parents at all
And it's amazing isn't it
That this all started with Mom working
With her meeting a bad man
Who she tried to help
Who pretended to be her friend
But what friend
Steals your wedding ring
What friend
Beats you up
That is not a friend
And these worries won't cease
This all began when the fighting started
And still it seems to not end
Why can it not just be the past
Constantly being apart of my present
Even my future
When alls I've ever wanted
Was to have someone love me
To love someone in return
Have a relationship
To be held when I'm sad
When I cry or just while I sleep
What they do to me
When they yell
Never ends
And I'm left in a trance
Will peace ever come
What will happen in the future
I just don't know
I wish my blood sisters
Were nearby
But all of them are busy
And I wish not to bother them
As I write this
I'm trying not to cry
Because Mom is awake
And I wish for her not to see me with tears in my eyes
So I'm left to my own life
To pretend it's not real
To pretend none of it's happened
It's not hard to see
Why sleep is my favorite thing to do
At least in dreams
You can wake up
And pain can be forgotten
In life it seems to just repeat
And this is truly
What they do to me.
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Posted: Tue Aug 31, 2004 12:29 pm
http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=3567323
Thought you guys might be interested in that. ^_^
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Posted: Tue Aug 31, 2004 9:28 pm
That's an interesting thread, Pharaohess. 3nodding
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Posted: Tue Aug 31, 2004 9:53 pm
Such lovely poetry. I'm jealous!
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Posted: Thu Sep 02, 2004 8:30 pm
Whee, more poems to post sweatdrop I either write too much or too little xp
Burned
It's funny
How much I love strangers
Even more so
How often I hurt from them.
It's like I'm a moth
Drawn to their flames of life
And I wait so that I may know them
But find myself being burned without intent.
It's lost on me
So many words that they will say
Because I will be hurt
Many times by the words they don't whisper.
It's not the beginning
Nor the end as it will always
Happen again and again
That's just the way life goes by.
From Afar
Upon this swing I sit
The wispy vines of the Weeping Willow
Covering me from the bright sun
As I watch from afar
People who seem so close
I stay where I am
Daring not to go forward
Or even try to join them
For I feel I don't belong
Not with anyone that I've ever met
I just always feel left out in the cold
Though they may care
And try to warm me from the loneliness
I still freeze inside
But I say little about it
Not wishing for them to feel guilty
For it is not their fault
I'm sure it's all in my head
Still I watch people and wonder
If ever I'll feel I belong
Maybe not in a group
But it'd be nice to feel
Like I belonged with just one person
Or even in one place
I'm not part of this world
I'm a background piece
Scenery that isn't unique
Just blending in
And no one can really see me
Because I'm never moving forward
Just waiting to fall
For that's what always happens
I fall, my world crashes
The ropes will break
And I will lie broken in a hole
I barely try to climb out
So used to this setting
It's become my home.
Ignored It Seems
I don't have many friends
I don't see many people
I'm quite alone in reality
Even more so in sleep
But it seems I'm ignored
Seeing a person I care about
Someone I consider a friend, at least
And I wait for a hello
But nothing comes
Silence invades my ears
I think of saying hello
But lately it hasn't been that person
It's been someone else
And I don't want to talk to them
They've not earned my trust
They have no reason to care
About any word I say
So I don't say anything
And I wonder if that person is ignoring me
I wonder if I've done something wrong
If they hate me, like everyone else seems to
My heart breaks, falling apart so easily
Though I long to cry I can't
No tears will fall
And it's funny because I don't blame anyone
For hating me, or ignoring me
I probably deserve it
Though I don't know what I've done
But if in real life
I'm anything like I've been in my nightmares
I'm surprised they don't rally together to kill me
As alone as I am I suppose it's ironic
That I think about dying
About slashing my throat
My wrists, or just shooting myself in the head
I doubt I'd pass on, I'd probably linger
Sitting in my room and just continue to wait
For that person to come
And say hello, or tell me what I did wrong
Or maybe just admit they hate me
Or wish to ignore me, forget I exist
Is it any wonder
I feel like perhaps I shouldn't
Have ever been born
Does anyone want me
Does anyone see or hear me
Or is my paranoia not so crazy
Perhaps it's true
That everyone wishes
To ignore me
I wonder if I should follow suit
And do the same
Ignoring myself like everyone else seems to
Though now I wonder if they'll be angry
At me for this poem.
The Little Girl
Eighteen years old
She stares into the air
Wondering if she is anything
Projecting her thoughts
Of herself onto a canvas.
A grayscale room
Where a little girl
Just sits cross-legged
In the middle of the bed
Starring, pleading with her eyes.
It's not hard to see
What she wants
Just waiting for someone
Anyone to notice her
To need her.
Feeling the urge
To slash her throat
She's lost in a dark land
Where she can feel little
And not see any light.
How many people
Would look at this girl
And see emptiness or sadness
When looking into her eyes
Would they just turn away.
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Posted: Mon Sep 13, 2004 8:08 pm
Two forms of tear
Two forms of tear,
Fall upon my page,
As the rain,
Mirrors my pride.
Two forms of pain,
Both unclear.
Shadowed image,
Of souls entwined.
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Posted: Mon Oct 04, 2004 8:31 pm
Crazy
Psychotic
Yeah, you make me crazy
Just burning
Caught on fire
By the love you showed me
Before you took it away
Letting go of my hand
And giving me to Hell
Am I your sacrifice?
Psychotic
Mmm, it's so nice
Inside my head
No one asking me anything
I'm just dancing with the shadows
Of Hell without fear
The Devil is my partnet
And Heaven is just a myth
Am I your sacrifice?
Psychotic
Oh, I know you're watching
But I don't reach
Out for your hand
No I won't trust you
To hold onto me
Or pull me up from Hell's depths
Not that I want you to
Am I your sacrifice?
Left Empty
Night has come
The haze of clouds over the moon
Darkens the night outside
Of my window as I close my eyes
Mmm, the dream begins
No longer am I alone
Wrapped in his arms
I can feel his breath
Caressing my skin
While he stares into my eyes
It seems that this moment
Should last forever
But no it ends
So fast, waking from happiness
Losing his embrace,
His love,
His kiss,
Alone I am without him
No love or touch to comfort
Or warm me
Leaving me empty inside.
Each night the same
I'm reaching for him
But our rendezvous does not
Last long at all
Just wanting things so simple
To be loved and love in return
To be together and be held
I'm barely touching his hand
My hand fitting perfectly in his
Only feeling like I fit
With him in my dreams
Not belonging anywhere else
It's not hard to see
That we make eachother hold
Just seeing how our bodies
Mold when he holds me
But it's just a dream
Though heavenly,
One that makes me want to smile
It'll end soon
Mmm, can I cry when I awake?
An ending dream
It's like he has left me behind
Feelings fleeing when daylight comes
Yet at night he returns
Only in my dreams
And while I sleep alone
I'm being loved
Only temporary
Wondering if one day
It may become reality
Almost reaching
Out for something
To see if I'm even real
For it seems as though
This pain and life
Are dreamt up by someone
Wishing for me to hurt
Will this ever end
Like my dreams always do
Leaving me frozen
Missing the fantasy of having someone.
It may seem
As though I'm in love
With my dreams
But no, I'm just wishing
Not to be alone
For I'm not even sure I can love
Though I know I can hurt and cry
I don't know that I can be loved
For they say in order to be loved
One must love themself
But I don't, would say I can't
Like I can't be touched
While I'm reaching out my hand
Waiting for someone to take it
To be held
Wrapped in someone's arms
Being loved for me
Loving him for him
How long will I reach out
And find no one
Takes my hand?
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Posted: Mon Nov 22, 2004 3:06 pm
Almost Perfect
You may not see it
You may not believe it
But you're almost perfect
Though perfection's unreal.
It's evident in your eyes
It's evident in your lies
Because you make it so obvious
When you try to be untrue.
There's not an ounce of sin in your heart
Though perhaps your thoughts are not always pure
Still it's the truth
You're almost perfect.
Not a moment goes by
That your halo doesn't shine
Because even angels look up to you
They're not even half as wonderful as you.
Through I'm a dreamer
It's not just a hope
That you are so kind
You're a touch of perfect.
It matters not if everyone else see it
I see it perhaps you do too
So you can believe me when I say
You're almost perfect because it's true.
I Won't Speak
I know you'd tell me
To let you know how I feel
But it'd only bring you down
So I'll say nothing
Though inside it hurts
I know I'm not invisible
That people aren't ignoring me
Still these thoughts plague me
Building a wall
Between everyone and me
Nothing gets through
I'm just trapped
But I say nothing
I don't think anyone
Really wants to listen
To these thoughts inside my head
It's just not easy
To make them go away
So I watch completely helpless
As I feel passed by
Alone with myself
But no I won't speak
I say nothing.
Amongst the Shadows
Starring out
Falling over
Stars burned out
Fires just embers
Leaving just shadows
That claim me
Eternally part
Of their domain
Ever leaning
On myself
Slipping slightly
To fall down
Against cold cement
My skin is burning
From inside out
Longing
Overtaking my mind
And I fall even further
Into the black hole.
Without Love
How upset would you be
If at this moment I tried to leave
I'm standing on a floating isle
Though as hard as I try I cannot smile
For in my heart I feel all alone
Not sure that you can hear the sorrow in my tone
When I'm outside and the wind reaches out to wipe my tear
A moment goes by that I forget you're not here
But when it's over I'm empty of hope
And I cannot help that I mope
Because I'm longing for warmth from you
I do not think you can be longing for it too.
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Posted: Tue Nov 23, 2004 2:11 pm
Wow, you're a productive little poet. ^_^
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Posted: Wed Nov 24, 2004 4:04 pm
cry My mother just wiped the memory on my computer without warning me... again! gonk
I've lost more poetry. I was about to put it on my website and I don't have any other copies... It's no wonder I haven't been very productive in this sense recently. crying crying crying
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Posted: Wed Nov 24, 2004 5:13 pm
Pharaohess Wow, you're a productive little poet. ^_^ Not really. I put all my poems in an LJ I have that is specifically for poetry, I just decided I would post all of my new ones here 3nodding I need to write more actually sweatdrop That's horrid. I've lost a lot of poetry due to the fact I sometimes go on frenzies of deleting all my files. I've lost a lot of stories and story ideas as well. It's not fun at all to lose writing xp
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Posted: Wed Nov 24, 2004 5:19 pm
anemosagkelos Pharaohess Wow, you're a productive little poet. ^_^ Not really. I put all my poems in an LJ I have that is specifically for poetry, I just decided I would post all of my new ones here 3nodding I need to write more actually sweatdrop That's horrid. I've lost a lot of poetry due to the fact I sometimes go on frenzies of deleting all my files. I've lost a lot of stories and story ideas as well. It's not fun at all to lose writing xp I'm glad that you understand what it's like. It makes me sad. sad
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Posted: Thu Dec 09, 2004 6:24 pm
And I Hate You All the More
I try to hold my tongue
Without lashing out
Still I find it unfair
How so many whine and complain
About missing someone
When I have no one
But keep quieter
Than they ever did.
So I'll silently glare
Whipping at your words
And lashing out with claws
That you would feel this demon's hold
And find you know not what you have
That missing someone is nothing
Next to the pain in this heart
That would find death a comfort.
In my dispair, anger, and bitterness
I'll hate everyone all the more
Than I ever did think before
For their words of whining
Are knives to the heart
Wounding me quickly
For no reason at all
Other than selfishness beyond compare.
Bah humbug
I'll adopt from Scrooge
Perhaps I'll turn bitter all year
For what good is this whining
That I hear from all these people
Who've not ever seen the beauty of death
Or seen the perfection of suicide
Not even do they feel the throbbing in my own heart.
It would be too perfect
For a heart attack now
To still this beating heart
So I know this pain will last longer
As I feel completely alone and bitter
Before it turns to self hatred
For even myself I hate all the more
So it must be the right emotion to succumb to.
My favorite lines of this poem have to be:
"In my dispair, anger, and bitterness
I'll hate everyone all the more
Than I ever did think before"
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Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2004 4:13 pm
So much time without a peep,
Has this thread been put to sleep?
Perhaps I should have thought ahead,
And not wrote in a single thread.
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Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2004 8:50 pm
I haven't been very poetic or productive lately. I really need to write some new poems.
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