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 Posted: Tue Sep 04, 2007 7:38 am
AofH_lifeissues I feel bad that although I'm still a virgin, that my future eternal companion won't have the privilege of a pure, clean, wife, because I know I wish that he would never do what I have done. The wonderful thing about the atonement is that it has the power to wash away the things that we have done, if we truly repent. I've watched this happen in my own, and in others, lives. Things that we feel we could never ever forgive ourselves for, even if God forgave us. The fact of the matter is, that you WILL be forgiven and you WILL be clean again. You will then need to accept the fact the you are clean, and that the dark past you once had is no longer a part of you. That part is the hard part. But remember that Jesus Christ has the power to forgive, and that he wants to forgive you. Forgiving yourself is part of the process.
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Posted: Tue Sep 04, 2007 10:20 pm
My parents and I met with the bishop this evening. He had a lot of concerns, but he has not revoked my eclesiastical endorsement, so I'm heading off for Rexburg on Thursday, as planned. MAJOR relief.
My new bishop will be expecting to hear from me as soon as I get there. I feel bad that he'll have to take on a situation like this, because the timing is so weird and the sin is so bad. And it's really amazing how, even though I knew the words were coming, it felt so horrible to hear my bishop ask me to not take the sacrament. I didn't know it would feel this bad.
I've said it before, but I just can't believe the sorrow that I've caused for myself and for my parents. My mom's trying hard not to blame herself. I never thought of so many things when all this was happening. It all started out with one kiss at the beginning of Summer. One kiss, that's all. And now I feel absolutely rotten. I'm not as excited for college as I should be, because I know I'm already not living up to what a BYU student should be, and I haven't even gotten there yet.
Part of me still can't believe I did what I did. It's so surreal. And only 5 people on the planet know- one of which doesn't know any details, and another of which knows everything except why it was such a big deal. It's almost hard to look people in the face who know what a good girl I've been all my life, and would never guess that I could violate the Law of Chastity like I did.
I hate this feeling, but I know that it'll pass in time, and I know I can't rush it and that I can only run as fast as I have strength, but I'm just eager to do whatever I can so that I'll be clean again as soon as I can be.
I've been rambling on for a while now, but these feelings that I'm experiencing are so new and powerful that it's hard to stop. Again, thanks to everyone who has prayed for me and given me words of wisdom. It means a ton. smile
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Posted: Wed Sep 05, 2007 7:55 am
wooooooooo!! dramallama
huzzah! you feel terrible!! mrgreen
you know what that means, right?? it means you aren't spiritually dead yet, and you feel guilty!! godly sorrow is a step to repentance. so wooooooooooo for you!
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Posted: Wed Sep 05, 2007 7:18 pm
I'm glad to hear you can continue with your enrollment at BYU. I wish you the best of luck there and I'll remember you in my prayers!
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Posted: Wed Sep 05, 2007 9:24 pm
UGH. I've never been a patient person, which I guess is how I let all this happen in the first place, but the last 4 days or so have been such hell for me! It's so hard to not just cave in and call the boy up and cry to him, so hard not to think about what happened, to keep my thoughts in their proper place, to keep my thoughts and feelings chaste. It's been only about 4 days, and already I'm about ready to burst. How can I keep going and stay on course towards repentance when I keep thinking about him and how much I just want to talk to him again? I catch myself, and I end up saying "NO!" out loud to myself. Is this something that will just get easier with time?
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Posted: Fri Sep 07, 2007 5:32 am
Yes, it will get easier with time.
It will also get easier with distraction. If classes at BYU have already started and they're not distracting enough -- and if you think your course load will leave you with enough time -- find an organization on campus to join. I enjoyed the Anime Club at my school. I wish I'd joined the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism). I enjoyed tae kwon do -- it was fun and it was good exercise.
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Posted: Fri Sep 07, 2007 7:06 am
Martial arts is a good confidence builder too.
But yes, it will get easier with time. It will never be 100% easy, there will always be temptation there. But it will get much, much easier with time and with good friends and influences.
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Posted: Fri Sep 07, 2007 8:50 am
Hey there. I just read the entire thread, and I just want to say what an inspiration you are AofH_lifeissues. I want to cry for you because you feel so horrible. Sweety, I know exactly how you feel (as I'm sure lots of ppl reading this thread do).
I wanted to let you know that you are such an example to me! You are so incredibly strong for actually going through the repentance process! You didn't just let it sit in the pit of your stomach and fester, you went to your bishop and told your parents. That is truly amazing to me. Its hard for me to put exactly what I want to say into words right now because I am just filled with such joy over you accomplishments! I know it might seem simple, but the fact that you want to go back to being temple worthy and doing baptisms and all that 'fun stuff' is so great. Gah! I love you and your decisions. lol I know I sound crazy, but I'm sure you know how the spirit catches you sometimes!! ok, well, I'll stop rambling and end with this:
Remember that part of the repentance process is forgiving yourself, and part of forgiving yourself is letting go what you did. You feel bad, but you can only look forward now and not forget what you did, but let it go.
I wish you the best and you'll be in my prayers! heart
:hugs:
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Posted: Fri Sep 07, 2007 10:39 am
i have a problem with the same kind of thing u do, so i know how u feel. i agree with everybody that has spoken so far. they are very wise.
the thing is, since he's not a member of the church, his concept of the world is different, even if he does have high standards.
when i first started dating, i went with one guy by myself pretty much on two dates. don't get me wrong, there were people around and friends we knew, but u get my point. i was single-dating and sometimes we would hold hands and hug and yada yada. (never kissed. i didn't like him that much.)
after the second date, he asked me to be his gf. now don't get me wrong, i wish i had a relationship with a guy like some of my other nonmember friends had. they looked like they loved each other and everything. but the thing is, they had been going on for years and i hadn't. the only relationship really any one person can handle before considering marriage is their relationship with god.
i politely refused and told him we should stop dating. you should do the same. make it clear that the "relationship" is over so you aren't left regretting and you aren't leaving him still "in love with you". i say you should ask for forgiveness, and if through the spirit or your conscience while you are doing this you feel the need to do so, consult your bishop so you will be clean and pure when you step through those blue and white doors.
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Posted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 7:39 am
My Pearl Angel i have a problem with the same kind of thing u do, so i know how u feel. i agree with everybody that has spoken so far. they are very wise. the thing is, since he's not a member of the church, his concept of the world is different, even if he does have high standards. when i first started dating, i went with one guy by myself pretty much on two dates. don't get me wrong, there were people around and friends we knew, but u get my point. i was single-dating and sometimes we would hold hands and hug and yada yada. (never kissed. i didn't like him that much.) after the second date, he asked me to be his gf. now don't get me wrong, i wish i had a relationship with a guy like some of my other nonmember friends had. they looked like they loved each other and everything. but the thing is, they had been going on for years and i hadn't. the only relationship really any one person can handle before considering marriage is their relationship with god. i politely refused and told him we should stop dating. you should do the same. make it clear that the "relationship" is over so you aren't left regretting and you aren't leaving him still "in love with you". i say you should ask for forgiveness, and if through the spirit or your conscience while you are doing this you feel the need to do so, consult your bishop so you will be clean and pure when you step through those blue and white doors. Not to throw a wrench in the works, but I was dating a girl in High School, that decided she was going to end the relationship (but without telling me why), and I was definitely still in love with her. I mourned over losing her for 8 months, but once I finally got over her sweatdrop we were able to be friends again. Now she is more like a sister to me.
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Posted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 10:20 pm
Dawnzilla Hey there. I just read the entire thread, and I just want to say what an inspiration you are AofH_lifeissues. I want to cry for you because you feel so horrible. Sweety, I know exactly how you feel (as I'm sure lots of ppl reading this thread do). I wanted to let you know that you are such an example to me! You are so incredibly strong for actually going through the repentance process! You didn't just let it sit in the pit of your stomach and fester, you went to your bishop and told your parents. That is truly amazing to me. Its hard for me to put exactly what I want to say into words right now because I am just filled with such joy over you accomplishments! I know it might seem simple, but the fact that you want to go back to being temple worthy and doing baptisms and all that 'fun stuff' is so great. Gah! I love you and your decisions. lol I know I sound crazy, but I'm sure you know how the spirit catches you sometimes!! ok, well, I'll stop rambling and end with this: Remember that part of the repentance process is forgiving yourself, and part of forgiving yourself is letting go what you did. You feel bad, but you can only look forward now and not forget what you did, but let it go. I wish you the best and you'll be in my prayers! heart :hugs: Wow, thanks. That really means a lot. I'm just grateful that this account got set up so that I can stay anonymous. (Not like anyone actually knows me, but it's still nice) I feel so much stronger now. I'm in Idaho now, and I went to church today. The spirit was so strong, but it was also very hard for me, because whenever there's an example of sin/repentance that's given, it's usually about chastity. And for Sunday school there was a lesson on the sacrament, which made me feel really bad. I started to cry a couple times. The worst part ever was not taking the sacrament. I'm not going to pretend like I understand it very well, but I felt like I was really missing out for not being able to participate in such a sacred ordinance that's been a part of my life forever. I wish I could express in words how it felt, but it's really impossible. Heartbreaking might be the best word. Church was still a bit mixed up from Summer, so I didn't get to actually see my bishop, so I called him, and even after he heard who I was he sounded so cheerful. He asked how I was, and stuff like that. It made me feel really good because I didn't feel like a problem child or a project; I felt like a good person who's worth talking to. That was amazing, and a real testament to me of the mantle of the special mantle placed upon bishops, and that this is a gospel of kindness and love. We're going to meet next Sunday, and I can't wait because I know it'll only get me closer to my forgiveness. As I'm working on my repentance, I find that I am focusing more on my prayers, my scripture study, and church. I am being so blessed through this process, even in the course of a week. My testimony is getting stronger every day, and I feel the Spirit working more and more in my life already. It makes me wanto to keep all of the commandments better, not just chastity, because I know that it will bring me closer to my Heavenly Father, and it will allow me to be forgiven. I'm still anxious for this bad feeling to be lifted from me and to be worthy again, but I am more thankful for the process. I know I write a lot here, but I just want you all to know that I am making progress and that I really do have a strong testimony of this gospel, that a big sin such as mine really does cause immense pain and sorrow, but that the Spirit will lead the repentant soul to joy again, and that I am so thankful to everyone who has given me support at this time. Even though I know none of you outside Gaia, it really does feel wonderful to have so much love and concern on my behalf. Thank you so much. mrgreen
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Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2007 2:57 pm
Glimare If you two aren't really in love, how did it ever get that far? This whole situation baffles me... In the heat of passion many things that are regrettable can be done. When you start going further than "just kissing" your mind starts to shut down and your body takes over. Doesn't matter if you love the person or not. But more on topic: Everyone makes mistakes. Facing them early is better than waiting, trust me. You did the right thing. Keep going to church, reading your scriptures, and praying. Repentance may be a hard process but once you have fully repented you feel so much better.
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Posted: Sun Sep 16, 2007 2:58 pm
I noticed you kept mentioning things like, "putting a burden on the bishop" (which is not a direct quote)
When a man is called and set apart to be a bishop, they are given certain tools to help take on the burden and guide you through the process. I'm glad that the "guilt" of "putting a load on the bishop" didn't keep you from doing what you had to do, because in all honesty, that is what a bishop is able (and willing) to do.
In all irony, I have a very similar problem but didn't take care of it like you have. Two years later and I'm still stuck and now inactive. So yeah, it hurts, but it's like a bandaid. Best to just get it taken care of, yes?
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Posted: Sun Sep 16, 2007 9:58 pm
I met with my new bishop for the first time today. He was so nice. He started out by asking me a bunch of questions about myself, my family, etc. Then he asked me about my progress so far and gave me some more scriptures and talks to read. So I'm going to read them and focus my scripture reading on the Atonement, and then write down my thoughts.
I swear, by the time this is over, I'll have "Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments" memorized. But don't think I'm complaining. It's a really good talk. That's why so many people are asking me to read it.
I also have to keep from taking the sacrament until the next time we meet. That's possibly the hardest part. I was so close to bawling today in Sacrament Meeting. It was even worse the second time. But I'd rather go through that than "eat and drink damnation to [my] soul".
I feel so ready to do anything to repent. I'm just so eager to prove to my bishop and to Heavenly Father that I feel horrible about what I've done, and that I really want to be able to enter into the temple. With all this excitement going on in Rexburg right now, it hurts to know that if the dedication, this huge event, were next week I wouldn't be able to go. It also really hurts when people talk about things that remind me of my sins and at times I just want to leave the room and cry.
I've been praying for Heavenly Father's help with my thoughts, because sometimes my mind will flash back to what happened, and it occasionally takes a while for me to realise it's been there.
Its been a hard process, and though only a few weeks, it seems like months and months have gone by. But I am learning a lot more about prayer and real study of the scriptures, as well as the importance of the sacrament, repentance, and of course, chastity. I'm not taking any chances. I don't really have any guy friends yet, but I am determined to play it safe. I'll go on dates (if that ever happens- I'm usually walking guy repellant) an everything, but I'm going to make sure that nothing so serious will ever happen again. Well, not ever again...I mean, most definitely when I'm married. But not one second before then.
I've said it a bunch of times, but I'll say it again: Thanks for all the imput, advice, concern, prayers, etc. It feels good to know that I have them. smile
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Posted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 4:25 pm
wow. i need to repent alot more than you do. but i dont feel like it cause im going to hell. D: there's no animals in heaven its not worth going.
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