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 Posted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 7:56 am
Dept of Philosophy:
What is a grade?
Law School:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
Dept of Logic:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
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Posted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 8:02 am
Dept of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade.
Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
Dept of Physical Education:
Everybody gets an A.
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Posted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 8:04 am
Schools We Don't want to Attend
The Leona Helmsley School of Tax Preparation
The Mike Tyson Charm School
The William Kennedy Smith Dating Service
The Saddam Hussein Military Academy
The Charles Keating Chair in Business Ethics
The Don King Barber College
The Pee-wee Herman Advanced Sexuality Course
The Louis Farrakhan School of Diplomacy.
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Posted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 8:06 am
Questions you Hope your Pupils won't Ask you
o Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of its bottle?
o Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
o Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
o Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
o Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
o If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
o If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
o If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
o If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
o If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
o If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
o Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
o How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
o You know how most packages say "Open here"? What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
o You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
o What do you plant to grow a seedless watermelon?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
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Posted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 8:10 am
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 8:19 am
At a high school an English teacher is busy with work as a student approaches the teacher and asks when the test final test will be. She tells the whole class and a smart-a** jock raises his hand.
"What if that day I just stayed home because I was sexually exahausted?''
''Well, I guess you'd just have to use your other hand to write with.''
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Posted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 8:22 am
A guy dies and goes to heaven. His tour guide starts to show him around the whole place; the tennis courts, the main lobby , when they come upon a room full of clocks.Some are going fast, some slow and some normal. " What's with all the clocks?" the guy asks his tour guide. " each clock is for each person on earth. Every time they tell a lie, their clock goes faster," he said.Well that makes sense the guy thought to himself. just then he noticed a clock on the ceiling going tremendously fast , and much faster than all the others. " what's that?" the guy said pointing to the ceiling. " Oh, that's George W Bush's clock. We use it as a fan."
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Posted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 8:24 am
Things I've learned from my Boys (honest)...
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all Four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh" it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
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Posted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 8:29 am
Photographing a new puppy isn't as easy as it may first sound...
Remove film from box and load camera.
Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
Choose a suitable background for photo.
Mount camera on tripod and focus.
Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
Put magazines back on coffee table.
Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
Call spouse to clean up mess.
Fix a drink.
Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
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Posted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 8:35 am
Some self-evident truths about pets...
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Dog's have owners. Cat's have staff.
Dogs shed, cats shred.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
People that hate cats will come back as dogs in their next life.
We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?
Women and cats will do as they please... men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
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Posted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 8:39 am
Picking your nose??
Deep Salvage Pick
Reminiscent of the deep sea exploration to find the Titanic ship, you probe deep into your nasal passages.
Utensil Pick
When fingers, and even your thumb, just aren't enough to get the job done to your satisfaction.
Extra Pick
When you have been digging for nuggets hours upon hours and suddenly you hit the jackpot! Excitement only equalled by winning the lottery.
Depression Pick
When you're sad, and the only way to fill the void is to pick so hard and fast that the agony overcomes your feeling of remorse and depression.
Pick A Lot
What we would call abnormal amounts of picking. Anything in the three digit realm we consider a bit too much for a 24 hour time frame.
Kiddie Pick
When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom.
And the best part is, there's no time limit!
Camouflaged Kiddie Pick
When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back
the smile.
Fake Nose Scratch
When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
Making A Meal Out Of It
You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.
Surprise Pickings
When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
Autopick
The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking. Also can mean automatic pick, the one you do when your not even thinking about it, at work, while talking to a co-worker, during a meeting....
Pick Your Brains
Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.
Pick And Save
When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.
Pick And Flick
Snot now becomes a weapon against your sister and others in range around you.
Pick And Stick
You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.
Pipe Cleaner Pick
The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%
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Posted: Tue Aug 02, 2005 8:25 am
You can't have all the fun.
So here's some from me.
Code of Ethical Behaviour for Patients
1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR EMT TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.
2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
Your EMT leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.
3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
Remember that your EMT has a professional reputation to uphold.
4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
You must believe that your EMT has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
5. NEVER ASK YOUR EMT TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.
6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.
Though the invasive procedure may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of EMTs and other humanitarians.
8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE OF TREATMENT BY YOUR EMT.
The patient-EMT relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR EMT'S PRESENCE OR UNDER Her DIRECT CARE.
This will only cause her needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
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Posted: Tue Aug 02, 2005 8:28 am
1) Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).
2) Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
3) Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to s**t), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
4) HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
5) Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
6) Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
7) The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."
8 ) And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).
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Posted: Tue Aug 02, 2005 8:32 am
Murphy's Laws of EMS
1. All emergency calls will wait until you begin to eat, regardless of the time.
Corollary 1:
Fewer accidents would occur if EMS personnel would never eat.
Corollary 2:
Always order food "to go".
2. The Paramedical Laws of Time:
There is absolutely no relationship between the time at which you are supposed to get off shift and the time at which you will get off shift. Given the following equation: T + 1 Minute = Relief Time, "T" will always be the time of the last call of your shift. E.g., If you are supposed to get off shift at 08:00, your last run will come in at 07:59. (Or if you have early relief coming in you will see you relief sitting at the first stop light from the station, waving!)
3. The Paramedical Law of Gravity:
Any instrument, when dropped, will always come to rest in the least accessible place possible.
4. The Paramedical Law of Time And Distance:
The distance of the call from the Hospital increases as the time to shift change decreases.
Corollary 1:
The shortest distance between the station and the scene is under construction.
5. The Paramedical Rule of Random Synchronicity:
Emergency calls will randomly come in all at once.
6. The Rule of Respiratory Arrest:
All patients who are vomiting and must be intubated will have just completed a large meal of Barbecue and Onions, Garlic Pizza, and Pickled Herring, all of which was washed down with at least three cans of Beer.
7. The Basic Principle For Dispatchers:
Assume that all field personnel are idiots until their actions prove your assumption.
8. The Basic Principle For Field Personnel:
Assume that all dispatchers are idiots until their actions prove your assumption.
9. The Axiom of Late-Night Runs:
If you respond to any Motor Vehicle Accident call after Midnight and do not find a drunk on the scene, keep looking: somebody is still missing.
10. The Law of Options:
Any patient, when given the option of either going to Jail or going to the Hospital by a Police Officer, will always be inside the Ambulance before you are.
Corollary 1:
Any patient who chooses to go to Jail instead of the Hospital has probably been in my rig in the past.
11. The First Rule of Equipment:
Any piece of Life-saving Equipment will never malfunction or fail until:
a)You need it to save a life, or b)The salesman leaves.
12. The Second Rule of Equipment:
Interchangeable parts don't, leak proof seals will, and self-starters won't.
13. The First Law of Ambulance Operation:
No matter how fast you drive the Ambulance when responding to a call, it will never be fast enough, until you pass a Police Cruiser, at which point it will be entirely too fast. Unless you are responding to an "Officer Down" call then it is physically impossible to be travelling fast enough!
14. Paramedical Rules of The Bathroom:
If a call is received between 0500 and 0700, the location of the call will always be in a Bathroom. If you have just gone to the Bathroom, no call will be received. If you have not just gone to the Bathroom, you will soon regret it. The probability of receiving a run increases proportionally to the time elapsed since last going to the Bathroom.
15. Basic Assumption About Dispatchers:
Given the opportunity, any Dispatcher will be only too happy to tell you where to go, regardless of whether or not (s)he actually knows where that may be.
Corollary 1:
The existence or non-existence of any given location is of only minor importance to a Dispatcher.
Corollary 2:
Any street designated as a "Cross-street" by a Dispatcher probably isn't.
Corollary 3:
If a street name can be mispronounced, a Dispatcher will mispronounce it.
Corollary 4:
If a street name cannot be mispronounced, a Dispatcher will mispronounce it.
Corollary 5:
A Dispatcher will always refer to a given location in the most obscure manner as possible. E.g., "Stumpy Brown's Cabbage Field" is now covered by a shopping center.
16. The First Principle of Triage:
In any accident, the degree of injury suffered by a patient is inversely proportional to the amount and volume of agonized screaming produced by that patient.
17. The Gross Injury Rule:
Any injury, the sight of which makes you want to puke, should immediately be covered by 4x4's and Kerlix.
18. The First Law of EMS Supervisors:
Given the equation: X - Y = Quality of Care where "X" is the care that you render and "Y" is the assistance supplied by any Supervisor. If you can eliminate "Y" from the equation, the Quality of Care will improve by "X".
Corollary 1:
Generally, Field Supervisors have no business in the Field.
Corollary 2:
The level of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
Corollary 3:
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
19. The Law of Protocol Directives:
The simplest Protocol Directive will be worded in the most obscure and complicated manner possible. Speeds, for example, will be expressed as "Furlongs
per Fortnight" and flow rates as "Hogsheads per Hour".
Corollary 1:
If you don't understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.
Corollary 2:
If you can understand it, you probably don't.
20. The Law of EMS Educators:
Those who can't do, teach.
21. The Law of EMS Evaluators:
Those who can neither do nor teach, evaluate.
22. The Paramedical Law of Light:
As the seriousness of any given injury increases, the availability of light to examine that injury decreases.
23. The Paramedical Law of Space:
The amount of space which is needed to work on a patient varies inversely with the amount of space which is available to work on that patient.
24. The Paramedical Theory of Relativity:
The number of distraught and uncooperative relatives surrounding any given patient varies exponentially with the seriousness of the patient's illness or injury.
25. The Paramedical Theory of Weight:
The weight of the patient that you are about to transport increases by the square of the sum of the number of floors which must be ascended to reach the patient plus the number of floors which must be descended while carrying the patient.
Corollary 1:
Very heavy patients tend to gravitate toward locations which are furthest from mean sea level.
Corollary 2:
If the patient is heavy, the elevator is broken, and the lights in the stairwell are out.
26. The Rules of Non-Transport:
A Life-or-Death situation will immediately be created by driving away from the home of patient who has just thrown you out of their house. The seriousness of this situation will increase as the date of your trial approaches. By the time your ex-patient reaches the witness stand, the Jury will wonder how patient in such terrible condition could have possibly walked to the door and greeted you with a large suitcase in each hand.
27. The First Rule of Bystanders:
Any bystander who offers you help will give you none.
28. The Second Rule of Bystanders:
Always assume that any Physician found at the scene of an emergency is a Gynecologist, until proven otherwise.
Corollary 1:
Never turn your back on a Proctologist.
29. The Rule of Warning Devices:
Any Ambulance, whether it is responding to a call or traveling to a Hospital, with Lights and Siren, will be totally ignored by all motorists, pedestrians, and dogs which may be found in or near the roads along its route.
Corollary 1:
Ambulance Sirens can cause acute and total, but transient, deafness.
Corollary 2:
Ambulance Lights can cause acute and total, but transient, blindness. Note: This Rule does not apply in California, where all pedestrians and motorists are apparently oblivious to any and all traffic laws.
30. The Law of Show-And-Tell:
A virtually infinite number of wide-eyed and inquisitive school-aged children can climb into the back of any Ambulance, and, given the opportunity, invariably will.
Corollary 1:
No emergency run will come in until they are all inside the Ambulance and playing with the equipment.
Corollary 2:
It will take at least four times as long to get them all out as it took to get them in.
Corollary 3:
A vital piece of equipment will be missing.
31. The Rule of Rookies:
The true value of any rookie EMT, when expressed numerically, will always be a negative number. The value of this number may be found by simply having the rookie grade his or her ability on a scale from 1 to 10.
For rookie EMT's medical skill:
1 = Certified Health Hazard, 10 = Jonny or Roy.
For rookie EMT's behind the wheel:
1 = Obstruction to Navigation, 10 = Mario Andretti.
The true value of the rookie is then found by simply negating the rookie's self-assigned value.
Corollary 1:
Treat any rookie assigned to your Unit as you would a Bystander. (See The First Rule of Bystanders, above.)
32. The Rule of Rules:
As soon as an EMS Rule is accepted as absolute, an exception to that Rule will immediately occur.
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Posted: Wed Aug 03, 2005 7:46 am
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Reply
