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 Posted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 8:37 am
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Posted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 8:47 am
I'll be done today.
Vin is supposedly done, but I don't see anything of his posted.
Fierce is.....well, fierce.
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The Female of the Species
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Posted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 9:34 am
Vintrict My goodness, what crappy art. They couldn't find a better artist for that game? MAH BOI.
Faces of Evil Opening.
Wand of Gamelon Opening.
Extremely badass RPG Maker remake of the Faces of Evil. They actually managed to make it.. good.
You see, Nintendo wanted to make a CD-based add-on for the SNES to keep its longevity going, and so they turned to Sony. However, good ways in, Nintendo and Sony had a "NO U" fest and Nintendo/Sony parted on that little venture. We both know where that led to; every employee of Nintendo from back then is still probably facepalming.
Well, they turned to the next company they thought could do it.
Phillips.
Instead of releasing it as a console add-on, they decided to make it a stand-alone disc system, the Phillips CD-i.
Problem: the games were shitty, and the controller was so shitty it didn't even have a start button [it looked like a gimped Genesis controller]. To top it, it was barely responsive, and the games themselves usually managed to bone over what little it had.
A, B, C buttons. But we only use A and B for 27+ different things, huhrrr!
Well, Nintendo decided to license over two of their heavyweight franchises thinking name alone would make CD-i sell. Mario and Zelda.
Thus, we gained Mario Hotel [an abomination in itself], and Zelda CD-i: Faces of Evil and Wand of Gamelon [along with some other unrelated and only marginally better Zelda game.]
Now, Faces of Evil and Wand of Gamelon were basically the same game, except with a different.. "plot" and you played as Zelda in the second instead of Link. First off, the budget for these games was dismally small. They were given like $50,000 for the whole damn group; that's for software, voice acting, you name it. So who do they hire for voice actors? Complete and utter strangers off the street. But who do they hire for artists?
Immigrants from Russia. No s**t.
First off, the cinemas as they're well known for were horrible, but YouTube doesn't do it justice because there's compression. I've seen it the way it was meant to be seen, full-screen; the lines are jagged and Link looks like he's wearing lipstick, and to top it, half the time they do unusual s**t like grope themselves or make homoerotic gazes for no reason or do ******** sign language while talking, it's.. disturbing beyond words. To top it, you can see they played the original NES Zelda games, and did the following:
"Hey, there's face icons on the map for bosses. They must be THE FACES of EVIL! Let's call them that in-game! biggrin "
"What are those things? Dodongos? Boy Link sure does love bombing them. Say-say, write that down."
"Link never talks. We'll fix THAT."
"Why doesn't the king show more?"
"Gannondorf- what? ******** it, let's throw a genie in there who rides a magic carpet and wears a turban."
To top it, the only badass looking character ends up being reduced to an old man with 6 tits, as though to take any minor redeeming quality on the character basis and go "just joking, b***h!" Oh, and Link loves going "Golly!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4SLjLen7-c&feature=related
Now, once you're in game, it gets even worse if that's imaginable. First off, you're treated to a tutorial if you wish, voiced by Link. Definitely gets chuckles out of you, but only at how horrible it is.Link Hey! Wanna fight the evil forces of Koridai? Check it out! It's easy! You got this map, SEE? Just move the Triforce to where you want to go! Then, click button 1, and FLASH, (giggle,) I'm there! Use the controller to move me left or right! Move it up, and I jump, or climb! Up and over makes me leap. Press button 1 to slash with the sword!
It's a mess, one button opens your inventory if you crouch and then hit it? But then that same button.. goes through doors. So if you need to use an item against enemies [as you'll often do], and you're on a door? With the unresponsive controls, get ready to "accidentally" go through the door 27 times. No, it doesn't get better with time. It'll happen near the beginning, it'll happen near the end, and it'll piss you off at an already shitty game.
So as you wander through the various areas in the ISLAND of KORIDAI fighting THE FACES of EVIL, you find out:
1. You have to hit people with your sword to talk to them? But wait, it gets better. Link explains this in-game: "But the sword becomes The Sword of Talking if you hit someone who isn't hostile! Neato!" For ******** sake.
2. The backgrounds in-game are surprisingly well drawn.. yet not. Because again, THE RUSSIAN ARTISTS and the actual level designers didn't confer any apparently. Areas that look like you can jump onto them? Can't. And vice-verse; "why the ******** would I jump o-wow, that was it. Huh."
3. Dark areas s**t on you. Unlike other Zelda games where you get a lamp and can just go to town, you have to get lamp oil, and if you run out of lamp oil? Dark area'll s**t on you, you're boned. You better be prepared ahead of time from the "BOMBS? LAMP OIL? ROPE?" guy, or you gonna be mad.
4. Know how in a lot of sidescrollers, an enemy hits you, you have a brief second of invulnerability to move away? Not this game! You can have every one of your hearts removed in nearly an instant because the enemies can come down at any angle they please yet you can't retaliate in the same direction. Badass.
"But can't you dodge?" No. There's quite a few areas where you're confined to a single tiny moving platform while enemies rush you and at that point, it's 100% luck on whether you progress or not. To top it, the stationary shield sucks balls because while it does block? It can only block in a few very limited locations, while the enemies can and very often do attack from every angle conceivable. It's practically useless against all but the most noob of opponents.
And if that isn't great enough to make you rage, every so often you're treated to yet another lovely cutscene!
All the Zelda CD-I Faces of Evil scenes.
I especially love the scene where you stab an old fisherman in the a**, and you get the sword you have in your hand as a reward for guessing what his crab's name is, implying he stole it with telekinesis but then decided to reward you by giving it back.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbcP-DuzXyI
The Sword of Talking at work!
You must then suffer a segment of the game dealing with elements. Kill one enemy and you get items to kill another and so on and so on. And so finally, after braving irreversible mental damage, you reach the conclusion. The big bad. The evil boss that (apparently) kidnapped Zelda sometime into the game which Link somehow knows before it even happened because he told you he's rescuing Zelda before she's even kidnapped.
Gannon.
Man, it must be a pretty tough boss fight!
Faces of Evil Ending.
That or one of the worst bosses in gaming history.
Step 1. Select book.
Step 2. Throw book.
Step 3. You threw him into the pit, IT BURNS.
Anti-climatic and then you get more mind-rape with the ending which has Link looking scarier than hell around 1:24 on, followed by him yelling the most amazing phrase I've ever heard in a game:
"I WON!"
Then you get to play Wand of Gamelon, which is even more of this s**t except with Zelda.
Every Wand of Gamelon scene.
Zelda is apparently as powerful as Link with the sword, Link's a retard, blalbalblb- and Zelda fights Ganon, she dares to bring light to his lair,
Wand of Gamelon ending.
... and again, one-use item = instant win, game over. Then after finding out Duke Onglet [?] was the traitor apparently, Zelda grabs some girl's mirror and throws it, Link comes out of it [how he got in there to begin with you never find out,] and everyone giggles/laughs.
The ******** end.
A series so horrible, every time Nintendo makes a big "OFFICIAL TIME-LINE OF ZELDA" deal, they always, always leave out CD-i Zelda, and they secretly wish people would forget it ever happened.
But with YouTube Poop Zelda CD-i being so popular:
Zelda CD-i Poop.
That'll never, ever, ever, ever happen.
This is why were I to win my fight and Roen his, I couldn't fight his Link character.
I'd be too busy imagining him going "Great! I'LL GRAB my STUFF!" I'd contemplate forfeiting.
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Posted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 10:11 am
Its sad I actually spent my time reading all that stuff.
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Posted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 11:20 am
Sokoya Ramak I'll be done today. Vin is supposedly done, but I don't see anything of his posted. Fierce is.....well, fierce. I'm done. I just have it saved on my hard drive, ready to post when Fierce does. biggrin
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Posted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 3:32 pm
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Posted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 4:51 pm
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Posted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 4:54 pm
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The Female of the Species
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Posted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 5:01 pm
Oh, my eye! You sucker-punched me in my eye!
You monster.
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Posted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 5:05 pm
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The Female of the Species
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Posted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 5:14 pm
.. Can I ******** the one on the left, and then get the one on the right too? 8D
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Posted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 5:18 pm
I want whatever's under her eyepatch. >3
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The Female of the Species
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Posted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 5:22 pm
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Posted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 5:30 pm
Nice eyepatch you have there, Sok.
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Posted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 7:01 pm
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Reply
