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 Posted: Sat Mar 12, 2005 9:41 pm
Sleep, sleep.
Good night and thank you. 3nodding heart
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Posted: Sun Mar 13, 2005 12:13 pm
FULLY EDITED I think I put it better in the Anti-Love guild, so I'll put it here, too. Veit Loderr Sensedog I just realized that I've never truly "lived". I just realized something similar. And you know what? My muse can go ******** itself. I'm gonna start writing again. I have to start doing something about it, I can't just b***h about how I was put on pills, and can't write anymore. It's time for me to take things into my own hands. I've also decided to start taking Tai Chi. I need to start making peace with myself as a person, and now's as good a time as any to get on that. I can't stop shaking, and I don't know why.
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Posted: Sun Mar 13, 2005 12:59 pm
Mmk, so today has been a shitty day.
First off, Justin ditches me, I don't know why. So I said I was mad. Then he comes back, says his Grandma is in the hospital and I should know better. Yeah, like Im a ******** mind reader or something. Ms. Cleo ******** sucks, why would I want to be her?
Secondly, I lost yet another friend. This time he was in Afghanistan. You know, I heard over there was not as bad, but they die anyways. And Justin is going over there soon enough here, and I have to try and find a way to make it so that we are friends and back on solid ground before he leaves again. It just sucks. I don't know what to do.
I was not able to sleep. I woke up at 4:30 was up until about six, and then I finally fell back asleep again till 8 ish or so and said ******** it around 8:30 and got out of bed. I wish I hadn't. stare
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Posted: Sun Mar 13, 2005 7:32 pm
You know, for all the ambition I felt earlier, I just feel like s**t now. I don't really know why, I have so many reasons, but none of them are it. I might just quit Gaia soon, but... I just don't know. I think I understand why people cut now. Not that I would ever, it's still idiotic and a sign of the purest weakness, but... I just get it now. Hrm.
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Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 6:23 am
Pain shows that we're still alive, and still capable of feeling. Not that I have any experience cutting.
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Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 10:09 am
It's all my fault. I try to justify it by telling myself it would have happened anyway, but that doesn't make me feel any better. I try to forget about it, act like it never happened, but that doesn't work either. I can make it seem like nothing's wrong on the outside, but every time something reminds me the blood just drains from my face.
No one knows about it, I'm the only one, but even still I'm paranoid that someone will find out. I don't even know why. I'm ashamed, but I don't think I should be.
This is getting to be too much for me to take...
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Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 12:37 pm
What happened, if you don't mind me asking?
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Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 1:19 pm
Wow. This kinda sucks. All my friends (except two or three) are in a single computer programming class. Now, after school, rather than just hanging out, they've all picked up Age of Empires 2. They just play that. I don't know how to play, and I'm not very good at strat games anyway, so I can't really join them. Some of them don't play as well, but they are all into programming, and that's basically all that they talk about. One of them is making a game, to partially imitate Zelda, another is just trying to get good at programming, and one just spends all his time pirating anime. I don't actually HAVE any offline friends anymore that I can really talk to. Damn, I really regret now taking Acting last year, instead of Intro to Programming. If I hadn't I'd be in this class, and I'd be able to actually hang out with them, and not just sit at the side without a clue. Of course, I couldn't even really D anything with the acting class. It was a lot of fun, but I suck at memorizing lines, and I've got really bad stage fright... I couldn't even go out for the fall drama, let alone the spring musical (suck at singing, few nonmusical parts). And not being in the programming class also means that I probably won't be able to take the Video Game Design class. It's being offered starting next year, and a LOT of people are gonna go out for it. Since I haven't been in the programming classes, I "haven't shown any interest" in any of it. I've just taken drama and philosophy electives. Oh well, it's all my fault anyway, I really have no right to complain.
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Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 1:35 pm
Today was one of the worst days I've had in a while...
I spent all day thinking about something I really didn't want to think about and it's ripping me apart. I want to tell someone about it but I can't. I already blame myself, I don't need everyone else doing that too.
I couldn't keep a calm and level head. I'm usually able to keep calm in any situation and think about things clearly, I just couldn't do that today. I zoned out more than a few times and I yelled at someone. That may not sound like a big deal, but I never yell. I never get that angry where I raise my voice.
I wasn't even thinking about what I was doing, someone said something to me and I got in their face and started screaming... Normally I would have given a quick sarcastic remark and that would have been the end of it, but I couldn't think.
... must... suppress... emotions...
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Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 1:36 pm
Veit Loderr What happened, if you don't mind me asking?
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Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 1:44 pm
Veit Loderr What happened, if you don't mind me asking? SociallyInept I want to tell someone about it but I can't. I will never tell anyone in detail. I did something stupid. I let my pride get in the way. Nothing will ever make it right and all I can do now is deal with the result of my stupidity.
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Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 1:47 pm
SociallyInept Veit Loderr What happened, if you don't mind me asking? SociallyInept I want to tell someone about it but I can't. I will never tell anyone in detail. I did something stupid. I let my pride get in the way. Nothing will ever make it right and all I can do now is deal with the result of my stupidity. Oh. Well then. You can always come here to talk to the guild, or talk to most of us on MSN, if you want/need to...
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Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 5:22 pm
SociallyInept Veit Loderr What happened, if you don't mind me asking? SociallyInept I want to tell someone about it but I can't. I will never tell anyone in detail. I did something stupid. I let my pride get in the way. Nothing will ever make it right and all I can do now is deal with the result of my stupidity. Thus is life. We all deal with highs and lows. I too must live with the lows.
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Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 5:54 pm
Soleq SociallyInept Veit Loderr What happened, if you don't mind me asking? SociallyInept I want to tell someone about it but I can't. I will never tell anyone in detail. I did something stupid. I let my pride get in the way. Nothing will ever make it right and all I can do now is deal with the result of my stupidity. Thus is life. We all deal with highs and lows. I too must live with the lows. Eesh. Maybe I should've named this guild Barbituates. Scary thought: I'm getting used to hellishly little sleep. I was able to get up this morning on 2 hours of sleep. I think I slept standing in the shower, but I ended up leaving for school on time, at 6:55. Even had enough time to stop at Starbucks. Then I felt like hell the rest of the day. Think I'm running a fever. Can't afford to miss more school, though. Ah, well. Such is the bread of an everyday life.
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Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 7:37 pm
Ryan we are all here if you want to talk.
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