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Daren placed his head on Tim's and laughed a little, "yeah, you might be right. bad idea. should change that-" he nodded a little at Tim's thoughts, "might be a good idea. at least break it off until you have better control over yourself. i can help you talk to him if you need the support." it was going to a rough couple of months for Tim and Daren wanted him to know he was there for him 100%. he glanced towards the hallway and the door to his office. "I guess-" he paused and swallowed a little, "i guess my confession can be a sort of gateway to another...the reason why i got so bad." he sat up, trying to figure out how he was going to word this. "Tim...i'm an old man. i know we've joked about it before, but it's true. most days i feel a hell of a lot older than i really am, but Akane said that's because of everything that has happened in my life up until now. one of those things-" he had to clear his throat, "one of those things i have kept from you and if we are going to start a serious relationship, you should probably know." he stood and held out his hand to Tim, "Come on, we're going to my office."

Daren stopped in front of the office door, unable to open it just yet. he didn't know how long he stood there, staring at it, but it couldn't have been long. he gave Tim's hand a little squeeze before letting go, "Sorry. hand's all sweaty." he rubbed his hands on his pants to dry them before pulling out his key and unlocking the door with a shaking hand. "it's not much, really. just a desk and files, but-" he shrugged a little and walked inside, flipping on the light as he held the door for Tim. Her file was sitting on his desk where he'd left it. much of the time he'd spent alone had been in here, reading and forcing himself to not cry. "go ahead and sit on that safe, it'll hold you. sorry, i don't really have people in here so that's the best seat i've got." he sat down on his desk chair and very carefully lifted a framed picture that had been turned onto it's face. he looked into her warm blue eyes for a long moment before handing her picture over to Tim.

"this is Nevina Holden. I used to work with her on the force. she sort of-well," he smiled a little, "she refused to let me sneak away or hide, made me her friend and eventually-her lover." he took a deep breath, "she was one of the best things to have ever happened to me. She made me feel strong and needed but at the same time i felt safe with her as well. no one was surprised when we announced our engagement." he clasped his hands in front of him, his forearms resting on his thighs. "I was twenty-four when we were asked to go undercover as a couple in a drug gang. they had been planning for Nevina to do it alone, but they decided it was too dangerous for a single woman and it would be safer if she came with a lover. that way the focus could be on me and she would be free to investigate. no one payed much attention to what a gang member's woman was doing, not unless they wanted said member to beat the s**t out of them for looking at their woman."

"we got into the gang easily, both of us were used to that sort of thing, and we learned that it's wasn't just some simple gang. the operation was much bigger than that. it was decided to pull out, but we were caught before we could escape. She-they," Daren took a shaky breath and sat back. he could still see it, could still hear her screams as they tortured her. for hours and hours she hung like a slab of meat while they did whatever hey liked and all the while he was helpless to do anything but watch. "twenty nine hours after we were to get out, Iroh found where we were being held and raided the place. Nevi and i were able to get out of our bonds, but there was a firefight going on and." he had to swallow a few times before he could speak, "she was hit while protecting me. i had taken a bullet as well and couldn't walk, couldn't even crawl. she-," his voice broke as tears filled his eyes, "she died. i would have happily followed, but they got to me before i could. i-i didn't want to live anymore, Tim." he finally looked up at the redhead, "i wanted to die, wanted to be with her and when i drank...it felt like i was getting closer. like if i just reached out, she would be there." the tears slipped free and a tiny sob rocked his shoulders. he covered his eyes with a hand and turned his head away, "i-i don't know why it was so important to tell you this. i'm sorry, it's just...i know everything about you and i, i wanted us to be on equal footing, i guess. i didn't want you to-to find out and think i was lying to you." it seemed kind of silly now. why would Tim what to learn about something like that? maybe-maybe the real reason he'd told him was because, deep down, he was still trying to convince Tim that being with him was a bad idea. that it was dangerous and would end up getting Tim killed.

Daren's hands slowly circled around Tim's waste and clutched at his shirt. "I know," he said softly, "she was the one who got in the way, she chose to protect me, but-" he shook his head, pressing it to Tim's stomach, "but she could have refused the assignment. she should have! she was-she was," he shivered, "she was pregnant. she hadn't told anyone or they would have taken her off. she was carrying another life and yet she gave it up for me. they both died and for what?" he knew he was pushing this beyond what it was meant to be. he was just going to tell Tim, not let himself be pulled down into the black pit of guilt and self hatred. "i just, i guess i just thought it would be best...would be best if you found out now. it's better if i tell you than if you find out later on your own, right?" he laughed a little and pulled away, sorry. just-still hurts. been five years, she'd beat my a** from here to next week if she knew i was still clinging to it like this, just-" he dropped his face to his hand, "i've already warned you. i destroy everything i touch. if i love you-" he didn't need to finish the sentence. Tim already knew. If Daren loved him, there would be a target on his back.

Daren froze, "you what?" he pulled away and looked up at Tim. "you-" he didn't know if what he felt was rage or-Daren stood, "then this was all for nothing." he laughed, running a hand through his hair, "you st have thought it funny. seeing me get all fluster and struggling to tell you something you already knew." he knew what he felt. it was right there, the pain and the shame. it was betrayal. Tim had betrayed his trust and come into his office after he'd told him not to, had read her file and kept it all hidden. he smiled a little and turned away, his eyes down, "you should have told me. it would have saved me the trouble."

Something in Tim's voice made Daren look at him. "No-" he moved to the man, but moved a bit too fast. "sorry." he held his hands up to show he wasn't going to hurt Tim and stepped out into the hallway, giving him space. "i won't hurt you, Tim. you aren't in trouble. i'm not-no, i won't lie. i'm angry, but i'm not going to take that out on you. i'm just-hurt. i wish you hadn't seen that, or that you'd told me. haven't that said, it's over and done. let's give each other some space, but i promise you i won't hurt you. you aren't in trouble." he tried to smile, but it didn't work. "look, fights are normal. this is normal, you're still safe, Tim." he backed further away into the living room, "just-don't leave, ok?" if Tim left now he'd go and get drunk, Daren knew it. "i'll go in my room or stay out here in the living room, just don't leave."

Daren wached Tim curl up, the man shutting down, "Dammit!" he cursed, knowing he'd failed. Tim was lost in his mind and Daren's own petty hurts seemed like nothing compared to the man curled up on his office floor, waiting to be hurt. he walked into the office and bent down, one arm slipping under Tim's legs and the other on his back. he picked him up, whispering softly to him, "i'm sorry, Tim. i've got you. you're safe. ok? you're safe." he carried time to his bedroom and put him on the bed before laying down in front of him. he pulled Tim close and just held on, waiting for Tim to come back and remember who he was with.

Daren let out a sigh of relief when Tim started speaking more rationally. he gently began to stroke his hair, shaking his head a little. "it's ok, really. you didn't do it on purpose, i know that. i'm-i'm still a bit angry, but right now you're more important." he sighed and moved a little bit away from Tim, "i'm not going to leave you alone, though. not until i'm sure you are ok and i know that you aren't right now. it's going to be a little bit, but give me a week or two and i'll get over it. ok?"