Cinders of the Future 2: Phoenix Ashes OoC

[Mr. Blackbird Lore]

lily564a

All yalls are ballsless compared to michigan

100% humidity and 95F every summer, hurricane like weather every spring, and -30 every winter, plus a 60% chance that any week will contain a different season's weather.

There's an old saying "If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes."

Funny, we have that same "five minutes" saying here. Bi-polar sonuva...

Anyways, I suppose we luck out a bit. Not quite the extreme winter you have.

Looking forward to critiques.  

[StrykerZero7]

Devath

Hahahaha... I is farthest from hurricane. Almost didn't get the memo that it existed, lol. I can respect michigan for the moar humidity and wind, but Alaska's winter is longer. razz Gets colder too, but its freakishly dry in Fairbanks.

Dang it, you got me beat, I'm in Anchorage xp You are technically farther than I am...  

[Devath]

StrykerZero7

Devath

Hahahaha... I is farthest from hurricane. Almost didn't get the memo that it existed, lol. I can respect michigan for the moar humidity and wind, but Alaska's winter is longer. razz Gets colder too, but its freakishly dry in Fairbanks.

Dang it, you got me beat, I'm in Anchorage xp You are technically farther than I am...

Haha, so much milder winters in Anchorage, lol. Is new peoplez getting critiqued too?  

[iD bracerS]

I suppose I may as well critique the new people, also. Those will be coming today, I think, although perhaps tomorrow. Devath, I realized as I was reading that Siber did not make it clear what the onix was doing with the "wave of ether-laden rock and dirt" - it smashed its tail into the ground, sending Rock Throw at Ramsden et al. Meaning you flew Gary either face- or flank-first into flying mid-sized boulders for your attack. If this was your intent, I will of course judge fairly based on relative base stats, etc. Otherwise, this is one of those rare times where you may change your post because one of us GM's failed to communicate properly.

Also, "Oak" is no longer properly descriptive, as it could refer either to Rufus or Skye, and Professor Beatrice Oak has been dead/presumed dead for six years. Here, I'm assuming you mean Rufus, because he is in fact one of the triumvirate running Glenville. Is that right?  

[Devath]

Ya, I did mean Rufus. Although I did not gather the rock throw thingy... Erm... Mebbe I should think about this a bit more, but I think Gary would weather it better than a motorcycle, regardless of the rocky weaknesses and stuff (unless ramsden has moar dodge skillz?), so the assumption would be that the dragonite takes at least some of the hit, yeah. I sorta assumed it was some ground thingy when I first saw, yeah.

You want me to edit to indicate that Ian knew what was coming? It would also be possible to shoots from the air, buut again... motorcycle+rocks == bad... ugh. Meh, I'kk think about it some more and do what seems sensible for the character.

Is fixed for the blatant selfishness Ian knows and loves.  

[StrykerZero7]

...I just took a step back and realized how someone Toby's age would react to what had just happened. No, I don't actually intend for him to run off into the wilderness away from the party, most likely never to be seen again. That would just be silly~ razz

Also, after reading Page 1 again, I realized there's no rules on the cost or process of introducing a temp chara. Not that I'm thinking of doing so now, but it's something I'd most likely be interested in doing at some point in the future, and maaay have a concept for said character... so if someone who knows could provide clarification on the process, it would be much appreciated. 3nodding  

[Mr. Blackbird Lore]

StrykerZero7

...I just took a step back and realized how someone Toby's age would react to what had just happened. No, I don't actually intend for him to run off into the wilderness away from the party, most likely never to be seen again. That would just be silly~ razz

Also, after reading Page 1 again, I realized there's no rules on the cost or process of introducing a temp chara. Not that I'm thinking of doing so now, but it's something I'd most likely be interested in doing at some point in the future, and maaay have a concept for said character... so if someone who knows could provide clarification on the process, it would be much appreciated. 3nodding

PM id/Siber about it. They'd be the ones to let you know when, where, and why such a character would be introduced. Pretty simple.  

[SiberDrac]

Temp characters are more intended as things that we create and then hand off in a sort of competition. Introducing your own has to go through a very, very stringent approval process. Including gifts of candy and stuffed animals, or just outright begging that I will post on this thread biggrin I keep meaning to put up a few, and then don't, because there's no point in it, because all of you are doing so awesome right now. Recent battles? Freaking sweet. I can see those in my head very well, and they are cool.

Also: there's been an edit to the most recent post, in case you hadn't seen it.

Also also: critiques coming in today. Hopefully.  

[Mr. Blackbird Lore]

So I posted. Then I realized I may have overstepped my bounds. Rather than edit, I figure you will handle it as you see fit, id/Siber.  

[StrykerZero7]

Mr. Blackbird Lore

whatnot

SiberDrac

stuff galore

Thanks~ I had a feeling it was something like that - after all, if everybody sudden;y introduced a temp there would be too much to keep track of all around. The thread pushes the boundaries of that as-is, but it's all cool enough to stand out~ So it's more of a "here's someone in the story that you can play" or "your character's incapacitated, so here's someone else so you don't feel left out" type stuff. Thank you for the clarification.

...stuffed animals, you say? 3nodding  

[iD bracerS]

And here we go. Though all is my typing, Siber has contributed comments on style (overall flow, twists of phrase, etc.) and content (actual story and dialogue), whereas, as I said, I will focus primarily on style and technique (grammar, spelling, and syntax). If something is bolded, it means it applies to everyone. It would behoove all of you to read other players' critiques, especially if you admire something particular about how they write. Keep in mind, Siber and I in no way consider ourselves professional writers; we have our own flaws and everything we say is based only on our own experience. Finally, don't take any of this personally. It's as objective as it can be.

Let us begin.

~

Arthuritis: Your style is quite good; I enjoy the occasional use of poetic language to convey how Aaron perceives the world, but don't be afraid to really ham it up every now and then, because he's missing 70% of how most people perceive the world, which means the other 30% has been expanded by three and a third times to compensate. It might even be fun to, now and then, depart entirely from using visual descriptors. Your technique is less good, but not bad. You rely heavily on commas when they are both unnecessary and improper. Also, I've noticed the occasional use of the wrong word for either the right grammar or the right coloring; watch out that you know the proper usages.

Devath: I have only seen two of your posts in Cinders. They look pretty good, technique-wise, and the content's nice, too. Although again, I haven't seen enough samples to say for sure, make certain you don't put too many sentences of the same structure in a row except when seeking a specific effect; otherwise, the reader gets bored. I have this problem, too. Also, put in more about what Ian and Gary actually look like. I saw "dragonite, dragonite, dragonite" and a very pleasant description of his armor, and then more "dragonite, dragonite, dragonite." Synonyms and other such things are your friend. Also, and I encourage this of everyone: if you have not already, take a moment in a post to fully describe your character and pokémon so we can all really see them. I certainly don't go back to sift through your submissions for appearances, and it's good to repeat these descriptions now and then for everyone's benefit.

Excoss.Omega: You know I love the dialect. Still being well-done, but make sure you keep firm tabs on over-doing it; you walk a very fine line, and waver now and then. Also, start using paragraphs. You write very, very long paragraphs that just look like big, industrious blocks. Your content is good, though; I like the internal development. However, watch for things like reality: remember that part of the cost of being a geezer with all sorts of weaponry and poképower is that you are physically weak. It's cool to think of an old dude jogging alongside his arcanine, but not an option for your character class.

Faithfull Fire: It is hard to critique when you give me so little. I need more. Most of your posts are three to five lines long, which in combat is fine, but in real character interaction is not. Develop Jason. What is he thinking? What is his real relationship with Mist and Joy? What you have him DO is good, although I don't have a completely clear picture of his characterization, yet. Stabilize him - and the way to do that is to write more. Your technique is not bad; there should just be more of it. Again, please do not capitalize techniques, and try to avoid even calling them by their names when possible except in the cases of things that would obviously have names, such as Bayer's described "Psychic" and, ironically, the "shadow ball" that you (Faithfull) most recently posted.

Jay Acumora: Tsuki is inhuman. That is the biggest problem. He's a teenager, and he needs to act like it. Jokerman has had this problem in the past, but seems to have gotten over it and hopefully ;3 will continue to demonstrate that. You have to have Tsuki react. Even if it's "cool" for him to be pretty much unshaken by what he's gone through, there is no one who is prepared to be kidnapped, thrown around, and woken up being carried by an animal that could snap him like a twig while surrounded by guns. No teenager, anyway. Paul might be. Although Paul would probably both be the animal and be pointing the guns! Your technique also needs work; check over your posts multiple times for grammar and spelling. I am happy to help you with this, if you would like to send them to me before you post them so I can show you where the edits need to go.

Jikial: Grammar. Grammar and syntax and even diction. Grammar, syntax, diction, and sometimes spelling. Your content is great. I love Alyssa. She is wonderfully characterized, and I like the particular characterization that she receives; it's an interesting persona that will be fun to see developed, and you're doing a great job of that. But you need some serious work on technique.

Jokerman-EXE: Stetson is so many times improved over whatever your last character was that I have forgotten his name. So is your actual writing ability. Don't let that feed your ego too decadently, though; I worry about Stetson. I worry you've created the ideal eighteen-year-old that animé-watching eighteen-year-olds think actually exist. Yes, he had influence. Yes, he had power. But that was six years ago, when money meant something. Don't let his arrogance/self-confidence invade your concept of what he can actually do. Also, and this is another thing I want everyone to do - if your character has skills or a past that you want hidden from everyone else, I still need to know. PM me, please; a few of you have already, but I will not stand for 'oh and also (s)he was the four-years-running 200-meter champion sprinter.' Back to Joe: you haven't done anything like that, yet, but I get this kind of aura from the way you write him that you might give in to that temptation. Have care.

lily: You are basically identical to Jikial in so many ways that I still find it hard to believe you are different, unrelated people. Are you sure you are not twins? Your grammar, spelling, and punctuation also need lots of work. Your diction is marginally better than his. Your characterization is also slightly better, and I think that's because you have more experience with Maddy than he has with Alyssa. Maddy is wonderfully developed, and even significantly improved over the original Cinders thread. I love Roger and Smiffy; they're also fantastic characters.

Mr. Blackbird Lore: In general, your execution is flawless. Recently, your posts have gotten minimal. Admittedly, you've had less things to write about, but even so, a few times, I've felt cheated. Basically the one-to-three line posts are those times. To everyone: If you have nothing to say, say it in the most interesting way possible. Don't be circumlocutory or unnecessarily bombastic, and don't ever post mindless drivel, but if you only have a sentence or two, make them worth reading. Ulysses is awesome. Same warning as to Excoss, though you haven't given in as much: Ulysses is old. That's why he gets to have a ninetales, a gengar, an abra, and very well-trained ones, at that. You don't need to overemphasize it like you did in the original Cinders, but he's not going to be dodge-rolling; his pokémon will do that for him.

Shaula Al Nair: You know how I feel about your writing. It is just all-out goodness. I think what it needs most is more experience. Improve your vocabulary; watch out for your grammar and syntax; play around with phrasings and different literary techniques. Some very minor things, I can point out here - for example, the word "though" is always surrounded by commas unless it begins a dependent clause, such as "Though I didn't see it coming..." as opposed to "It looked easy to climb, though, so..." or "She treaded soft, though she wanted to run." Really, just keep writing. You could be a great author.

SirBayer: Your writing has improved in leaps and bounds in the time I've known you. Even in the past year, you've gone from having a character made from tropes and invincibility sauce to creating a real human being, and your overall technique and coloration are fantastic. You still have a slight tendency towards the juvenile desire to say "cool things" that in the end come off as awkward when they're put in the narrative, rather than in dialogue. Things like "Well that was neat," really are okay, but you have to be very choosy about where to put them, and what ones to use in what situations. Content-wise, I'd still like you to be aware of how much unspoken communication you're getting away with. Be sure that the instructions given are reasonable things that really could be properly interpreted. Similar to Shaula: keep writing, keep experimenting, expand your list of skills and words, and keep a very close eye on things like grammar and diction.

Stryker: There's nothing expressly wrong with your writing style, but you need to be sure you don't overdo it. If you're going to have actual thoughts of the character in italics, make sure they don't invade the rest of the narrative too deeply, so we have some contrast. Expand your vocabulary, too - there are times when I'm reading your posts and I just feel very hazy about what is happening and where Toby is, and a better vocabulary and less usage of things like "a short ways" or "tumbled a bit" will help. Basically, be firm in what you're saying. You can use those, but don't overdo it; mix in things like "several feet to the left" and "rolled for a few seconds before creaking to an indecisive halt." Everyone: some of the coolest things you can do to ANY kind of writing except perhaps legal documents are to anthropomorphize objects, landscapes, and actions, to casually toss out a lyrical lilt of alliteration, and to paint in some metaphors. Do it subtly, so that it kind of grabs the reader's attention without letting them know they're being grabbed. This will improve on its own with experience and reading books and newspapers.

Windfiar: You write with inspiring passion and with a clear intent to be cool, and that leads to you writing rashly. I understand that Ramsden is rash, but as with everyone else here, you absolutely cannot let your character's personality invade your actual narration. That's a technique of modern art and good if you're writing, say, a novella, a one-shot, or some other little thing, but unless you keep it VERY constant and VERY talented, it doesn't work out in a role-play setting. So watch spelling, diction, syntax, grammar, the physical juxtaposition of your character, the actions of those around him, the reality of whether or not player or nonplayer character will react certain ways, how long he's talking and whether that will inhibit, interrupt, or give others a chance to move (i.e., there is sometimes no time for monologuing), and other things about the physical world. Go over your posts several times. You mentioned while we were talking something about giving yourself writing exercises, and I have one you might like to try: take a short action scene (twenty seconds, max) from a show (NOT an animé) or movie and try to narrate it. Watch the scene again, and read what you wrote, and see how closely they match up. Make sure all your characters are facing the right way and have time enough to do what they actually did. That will train you to have a sense of reality within a world made of text.

~

There it is, everyone. Feel free to ask questions either here or via PM if I did not make something clear, or, if you'd rather have a discussion, Siber is more than happy to speak with you on AIM, YIM (both siberdrac), MSN (scarbride@gmail.com), or Skype (siberdrac). Sadly, he is not on Steam often enough to make that reliable.

You are all wonderful writers; if the critique seems harsh, that's because that's how I am. We're both fully enjoying this time around with Cinders and hope to take all of you with us to the blazing finale. Much love!  

[Mr. Blackbird Lore]

I appreciate it. I'm working on finding that right balance of frail and capable. Actually, I take a lot of cues from my own grandpa who is sixty-six and still rather capable.

As for sparsity: I think that comes largely from my eagerness to move things forward. Rather than wait, I jump in. In any case, I'll try to cut back.  

[Devath]

I getcha. I sometimes forget that legacying descriptions from profile is not good idea. The dragonite thing is a bad habit, and I'll work on it, I keep stopping at the point in the sentence, searching around for appropriate synonyms, finding the first ones don't fit sentence structure, and going straight for generic.

Also, when I was in Cabal, I was just about on the same level as Bayer and Jokerman, dehderp XD. I dunno if Siber will agree with me tho. That's just how I felt.

AAH! I almost forgot! I need a Ramsden post, stat!  

[StrykerZero7]

Thanks for the critique! After looking back at my posts so far, I'm inclined to agree... but one only gets better through practice, I suppose~  

[Arthuritis592]

So...
I see you've found me out have you? All along I've been using Arthuritis592 as a cover to hide my secret identity! THE COMMA QUEEN!!!

MWAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I will use my powers of extreme comma use to make every sentence disjointed and otherwise unreadable to those who cannot bear witness to the devastation that bad punctuation use can create within a text!!!

Yeah, I've always had this problem. My English teachers call me comma happy; though, I'll try to improve it. I'm glad you caught my poetic background coming out (and, may I say that I thoroughly enjoyed "lyrical lilt of alliteration" you witty GM you). I have to agree with your assessment on my descriptions, I'm just having issues with beefing it up. I have issues with describing things in any case and, it's extremely difficult for me because I rely so much on my eyes. I shall not give up though, just give some more practice and I'll be all over it. =]

EDIT: My creative writing textbook has finally arrived. I thought I would share the first thing I learned from it with everyone. Adverbs and adjectives... Kill them. Kill them with fire.

I'll let you know when I learn more. This book is seriously amazing though, I suggest everyone get one. It's an amazing tool for us fiction writers.
What if? Writing Exercises for Fiction Writers Third Edition by Anne Bernays and Pamela Painter