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Posted: Wed Sep 26, 2012 2:43 pm
My characters name is Aurora Lee I'm not sure if I'm doing this right but here it goes. RP Sample: Aurora looked around sensing danger. "What have I gotten myself into this time?" She thought. She could hear it creeping closer and closer... Suddenly Toara her dog pounced on her. Aurora's senses relaxed. "Atleast my senses have gotten sharper." She pet the dogs head. "Toara!" She scolded "Why are you not guarding the house?" She suddenly stiffened. "The house..." She ran swiftly towards it, not aware if Toara was following or not. All it mattered was to get there as soon and as quickly as possible. She stepped in the doorway hoping not to see the sight she feared...
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Posted: Wed Sep 26, 2012 7:13 pm
iiAurorax3 My characters name is Aurora Lee I'm not sure if I'm doing this right but here it goes. RP Sample: Aurora looked around sensing danger. "What have I gotten myself into this time?" She thought. She could hear it creeping closer and closer... Suddenly Toara her dog pounced on her. Aurora's senses relaxed. "Atleast my senses have gotten sharper." She pet the dogs head. "Toara!" She scolded "Why are you not guarding the house?" She suddenly stiffened. "The house..." She ran swiftly towards it, not aware if Toara was following or not. All it mattered was to get there as soon and as quickly as possible. She stepped in the doorway hoping not to see the sight she feared... By guild standards, this is a pass. That said... If you have read novels before, everything here in the guild is not only done in third-person narrative, but also expected to be formatted as such. For example, with your writing sample...it should look something like this... Aurora looked around sensing danger.
"What have I gotten myself into this time?" She thought. She could hear it creeping closer and closer...
Suddenly Toara her dog pounced on her.
Aurora's senses relaxed.
"Atleast my senses have gotten sharper." She pet the dogs head.
"Toara!" She scolded "Why are you not guarding the house?"
She suddenly stiffened. "The house..."
She ran swiftly towards it, not aware if Toara was following or not. All it mattered was to get there as soon and as quickly as possible.
She stepped in the doorway hoping not to see the sight she feared... Formatting is only one of a number of issues with this piece. The other is the lack of a focused goal, which makes this a boring read. Also, grammar structure and variation are both lacking. Where a pronoun may perhaps be a better choice of a word, you use the proper noun unnecessarily. There is also no smooth flow of thoughts. It's eclectic writing -- far too unstable. If this was graded training, you'll fall behind in progress compared to the other students at the moment, whom will earn more simply for writing well and telling a good story every single post.
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Posted: Thu Sep 27, 2012 6:47 am
RP Sample:
((Sorry but I'm still looking for a skeleton and a Village and what-not))
Looking deep within her mirror, Luna was lost deep in thought about her last day as a student at the academy. "Who will I be teamed up with? Who will be my Sensei? What will be my goal and/or speciality?" Lost within these questions her mother screamed one last time "Hey Luna! your going to be late for school again! You done dressing yet!?!" Luna replied as she snapped out of her daze "Yeah mom! I'll be right down!" She tied her long dark strawberry hair up in a loose ponytail and ran down the stairs and out the door "Bye mom! Love you!"
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Posted: Thu Sep 27, 2012 11:49 am
Sure. I have read all of the books(is waiting for more), I just wasn't really sure whether to write it like that. Nevertheless, thank you. c:
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Posted: Thu Sep 27, 2012 6:03 pm
Pass. Same as with Aurora above. That kind of crunched-up formatting is distracting and annoying to other role-players and tends to make us not want to read what you write. Formatting should be like this. Thoughts should be properly italicized. Quote: Looking deep within her mirror, Luna was lost deep in thought about her last day as a student at the academy. Who will I be teamed up with? Who will be my Sensei? What will be my goal and/or speciality?Lost within these questions her mother screamed one last time. "Hey Luna! your going to be late for school again! You done dressing yet!?!" Luna replied as she snapped out of her daze. "Yeah mom! I'll be right down!" She tied her long dark strawberry hair up in a loose ponytail and ran down the stairs and out the door. "Bye mom! Love you!"
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Posted: Thu Sep 27, 2012 6:51 pm
ProtoXtreme Pass. Same as with Aurora above. That kind of crunched-up formatting is distracting and annoying to other role-players and tends to make us not want to read what you write. Formatting should be like this. Thoughts should be properly italicized. Quote: Looking deep within her mirror, Luna was lost deep in thought about her last day as a student at the academy. Who will I be teamed up with? Who will be my Sensei? What will be my goal and/or speciality?Lost within these questions her mother screamed one last time. "Hey Luna! your going to be late for school again! You done dressing yet!?!" Luna replied as she snapped out of her daze. "Yeah mom! I'll be right down!" She tied her long dark strawberry hair up in a loose ponytail and ran down the stairs and out the door. "Bye mom! Love you!" ok so thoughts should be in italicized? and its best to space out the post?
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Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2012 1:26 pm
Phantom Hands Shima The dust from the nearby street kicked up slightly as a cart rushed by, it's runner just another part of the bustle as the village's teeming population coursed through the packed thoroughfares and foot paths, the clanking and smoking from the pipes and smoke stacks that spider-webbed there way through the buildings that surrounded them a constant, joining the rhythm of the aforementioned population... it was a sound that Shima knew well... it was the beat that he had stepped to for his entire life... a noise as familiar to him as the beating of his own heart.
Another familiar sound clattered through his ears... the soft clutter of bone dice upon a wooden bowl. Nearby, huddled and counting out their cash, (Uncertain what sort've currency you guys use in this guild world) The inscribed image of one of the former Kage smiling back at the lowlifes and gamblers as they spit and complained, laughed and goaded, as they pissed their miserable little lives away... They were pathetic, really. Scum and criminals the lot, each probably willing to sell their own mother for some quick cash, hell, from what Shima had heard, Kosho had actually done just that. By anyone with a grain of moral fiber, they were garbage, and Shima would have to agree...
The Youth's face cut into a crocodile grin.
They were his kind of people.
"Hey, Shima, you gonna stand there and let this guy talk about your good buddy Taka like that! Kick his a**!"
Shima merely rolled his novelty cigar from one side of his mouth to the other. "Heh," he raised a mocking brow over his smirk. "10% of that pot (Please note he's talking about the gambling take. lol) you just picked up." he said in his usual ruthlessly smirking manner.
"Ah! Yer killin me here," but the men were all wearing humorous grins themselves. "Can't ya shake a leg and help an old pal for free?"
Shima actually gave a laugh at this, his expression unchanged. "Heh, get real, Taka..." his eyes narrowed as he turned to look up at the sky. "Ain't nothin in this life is free..." 
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Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2012 7:22 pm
Croco_D_Isle Phantom Hands Shima The dust from the nearby street kicked up slightly as a cart rushed by, it's runner just another part of the bustle as the village's teeming population coursed through the packed thoroughfares and foot paths, the clanking and smoking from the pipes and smoke stacks that spider-webbed there way through the buildings that surrounded them a constant, joining the rhythm of the aforementioned population... it was a sound that Shima knew well... it was the beat that he had stepped to for his entire life... a noise as familiar to him as the beating of his own heart.
Another familiar sound clattered through his ears... the soft clutter of bone dice upon a wooden bowl. Nearby, huddled and counting out their cash, (Uncertain what sort've currency you guys use in this guild world) The inscribed image of one of the former Kage smiling back at the lowlifes and gamblers as they spit and complained, laughed and goaded, as they pissed their miserable little lives away... They were pathetic, really. Scum and criminals the lot, each probably willing to sell their own mother for some quick cash, hell, from what Shima had heard, Kosho had actually done just that. By anyone with a grain of moral fiber, they were garbage, and Shima would have to agree...
The Youth's face cut into a crocodile grin.
They were his kind of people.
"Hey, Shima, you gonna stand there and let this guy talk about your good buddy Taka like that! Kick his a**!"
Shima merely rolled his novelty cigar from one side of his mouth to the other. "Heh," he raised a mocking brow over his smirk. "10% of that pot (Please note he's talking about the gambling take. lol) you just picked up." he said in his usual ruthlessly smirking manner.
"Ah! Yer killin me here," but the men were all wearing humorous grins themselves. "Can't ya shake a leg and help an old pal for free?"
Shima actually gave a laugh at this, his expression unchanged. "Heh, get real, Taka..." his eyes narrowed as he turned to look up at the sky. "Ain't nothin in this life is free..."  Beautiful. A definite pass~ The only thing you have to be careful of is "its" and "it's". We use ryo - the Naruto canon currency - in the RP. Civilians use yen, and shinobi has an exchange system in the case they have a mission to a civilian-dominant place in order to buy supplies and such.
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Posted: Sun Oct 14, 2012 8:17 pm
Rain would emerge from the house as she would look behind her and say to her parents, "Mom! Dad! I'm off to the Academy now! I'll see you later tonight ok?" Rain said with a happy smile on her face even though half of it was covered, Rain is part of a small clan called the Hayabusa clan not much is known of the clan except they were rumored to be top taijutsu specialists. Being part of the clan you must cover a certain part of your face whether it from your nose to mouth with a cloth or a blind fold covering your eyes, yet born and raised as a Hayabusa she has yet to find out why that was a rule in the clan. Rain would leave the house hold and start running to the Academy for her first day at the Academy, as she was getting to the Academy she would stop to see a bunch of Genin ninjas' practicing a jutsu in a training area one of them being a female was yelling at another genin who was a male, while another male was just watching from the side lines chuckling to himself. The female was drenched and it seemed like the male who was getting yelled at was the reason she was drenched must of been a jutsu that went wrong. With a shrug Rain would keep on running, while checking her watch she noticed she was late so she would run a bit faster not wanting to late for her first day. Rain would make it to the Academy entrance running in, but to only bump into a person, because she was running and bumped into the person she would fall on her butt. "Ouch I'm sorry about that.." When she looked up she would see that it was a ninja and from the looks of it he was wearing a head band and also looked young almost her age, so he must of been a Genin. The Genin would look at her with a frown "Oi watch it Acad student! next time I won't let you off easy!" The young Genin replied with a anger tone, Rain would watch him walk off. With a shake of her head she would get up and ignore the mean Genin for now since she was already late as it is, so running into the entrance she would run into class and see that the teacher wasn't there yet, so she ran to her seat and sat down waiting for class to start;in addition, she was glad she wasn't late.
Soon the teacher would come in and the first thing Rain noticed about this teacher was that he was wearing a head band that covered both of his eyes and a face mask that covered his nose and mouth. It was weird to see the man come in like that, but for some odd reason she knew him, or she recognized his figure very well she just couldn't put it together. Rain would then hear snickers coming from behind her and would look to see who it was; then, she would see two male students snickering as they was thinking of throwing a paper ball at him to make fun of his blindness, this made her mad as she would whisper yell at them "Oi! don't throw that at the teacher! you should learn to respect the teacher more even if hes blind!" Little did they know he may of been blind but he was a very good listener and used his ears to do everything. The two boys would look at her with a smirk as they commented "feh whatever we don't need to listen to you!" With that the boy would throw the paper ball at the teacher, but the teacher would catch it and say "hm so the two boys Scott and Mike huh? see me after class is done..." Then he would smile "Ah Rain chan your in my class huh? your Mother and Father must of signed you up to be with me..." Rain would look at the two boys to see that they were embarrassed to even speak and just sat there in silence, and upon hearing that the teacher knew who she was a spark would light up in her head as she would stand up in her seat with excitement and responded. "Hiro san! I knew it was you! I can't wait to see what your going to be teaching me...well er Hiro sensei..." Rain said with a smile as she would sit back down and would watch and listen to what the teacher was saying about class.
When class was finished the sensei would taken them all to the Academy training area where they were going to practice shuriken throwing, so he had 5 dummies lined up facing the students while bringing out a box filled with shurikens. The sensei would pick one up and would throw a shuriken at the dummy with ease and would hit it int he head, then he would look to the kids and announced "Alright all of you form a line 5 people per dummy and each person gets 3 shurikens which means you get three throws. After three throws you go to the dummy pick yours up and get to the back of the line and so forth alright begin!" All the Academy students would nod as they all formed a line 5 per dummy and it was even, then each student would pick up three shurikens and would start trowing them at the dummy. So far the Shurikens weren't hitting the dummy instead missing their targets, the teacher would stop them and would teach them how to throw the shuriken right, but still they would all miss. It was now Rain's turn to go her first throw would hit the Dummy on it's chest, the second one would hit in in the leg and, the third would hit it dead in the face. Everyone int he class would start cheering and praising for her, but really it was all practice her parents made her do and Rain would have to thank them for it. Rain smiled as she was going to enjoy her days in the Academy and would wait for what the next adventure had in store for her.
Got pretty bad towards the end, I am tired @_@
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Posted: Tue Nov 06, 2012 4:17 pm
iRain-chan Rain would emerge from the house as she would look behind her and say to her parents, "Mom! Dad! I'm off to the Academy now! I'll see you later tonight ok?" Rain said with a happy smile on her face even though half of it was covered, Rain is part of a small clan called the Hayabusa clan not much is known of the clan except they were rumored to be top taijutsu specialists. Being part of the clan you must cover a certain part of your face whether it from your nose to mouth with a cloth or a blind fold covering your eyes, yet born and raised as a Hayabusa she has yet to find out why that was a rule in the clan. Rain would leave the house hold and start running to the Academy for her first day at the Academy, as she was getting to the Academy she would stop to see a bunch of Genin ninjas' practicing a jutsu in a training area one of them being a female was yelling at another genin who was a male, while another male was just watching from the side lines chuckling to himself. The female was drenched and it seemed like the male who was getting yelled at was the reason she was drenched must of been a jutsu that went wrong. With a shrug Rain would keep on running, while checking her watch she noticed she was late so she would run a bit faster not wanting to late for her first day. Rain would make it to the Academy entrance running in, but to only bump into a person, because she was running and bumped into the person she would fall on her butt. "Ouch I'm sorry about that.." When she looked up she would see that it was a ninja and from the looks of it he was wearing a head band and also looked young almost her age, so he must of been a Genin. The Genin would look at her with a frown "Oi watch it Acad student! next time I won't let you off easy!" The young Genin replied with a anger tone, Rain would watch him walk off. With a shake of her head she would get up and ignore the mean Genin for now since she was already late as it is, so running into the entrance she would run into class and see that the teacher wasn't there yet, so she ran to her seat and sat down waiting for class to start;in addition, she was glad she wasn't late. Soon the teacher would come in and the first thing Rain noticed about this teacher was that he was wearing a head band that covered both of his eyes and a face mask that covered his nose and mouth. It was weird to see the man come in like that, but for some odd reason she knew him, or she recognized his figure very well she just couldn't put it together. Rain would then hear snickers coming from behind her and would look to see who it was; then, she would see two male students snickering as they was thinking of throwing a paper ball at him to make fun of his blindness, this made her mad as she would whisper yell at them "Oi! don't throw that at the teacher! you should learn to respect the teacher more even if hes blind!" Little did they know he may of been blind but he was a very good listener and used his ears to do everything. The two boys would look at her with a smirk as they commented "feh whatever we don't need to listen to you!" With that the boy would throw the paper ball at the teacher, but the teacher would catch it and say "hm so the two boys Scott and Mike huh? see me after class is done..." Then he would smile "Ah Rain chan your in my class huh? your Mother and Father must of signed you up to be with me..." Rain would look at the two boys to see that they were embarrassed to even speak and just sat there in silence, and upon hearing that the teacher knew who she was a spark would light up in her head as she would stand up in her seat with excitement and responded. "Hiro san! I knew it was you! I can't wait to see what your going to be teaching me...well er Hiro sensei..." Rain said with a smile as she would sit back down and would watch and listen to what the teacher was saying about class. When class was finished the sensei would taken them all to the Academy training area where they were going to practice shuriken throwing, so he had 5 dummies lined up facing the students while bringing out a box filled with shurikens. The sensei would pick one up and would throw a shuriken at the dummy with ease and would hit it int he head, then he would look to the kids and announced "Alright all of you form a line 5 people per dummy and each person gets 3 shurikens which means you get three throws. After three throws you go to the dummy pick yours up and get to the back of the line and so forth alright begin!" All the Academy students would nod as they all formed a line 5 per dummy and it was even, then each student would pick up three shurikens and would start trowing them at the dummy. So far the Shurikens weren't hitting the dummy instead missing their targets, the teacher would stop them and would teach them how to throw the shuriken right, but still they would all miss. It was now Rain's turn to go her first throw would hit the Dummy on it's chest, the second one would hit in in the leg and, the third would hit it dead in the face. Everyone int he class would start cheering and praising for her, but really it was all practice her parents made her do and Rain would have to thank them for it. Rain smiled as she was going to enjoy her days in the Academy and would wait for what the next adventure had in store for her. Got pretty bad towards the end, I am tired @_@ Pass!
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Posted: Tue Nov 06, 2012 4:29 pm
Toshi looked up towards the sky as he felt a weight on his chest, pinning him to the earth. He smiled as he looked down at the midnight black cat. He couldn't help the fondness that he felt for this creature after he had taken it in from a port city. He still couldn't tell its gender but he decided that Lunar was a unisex name and worked out until he could discover if it were a boy or girl. He laid his hand gently onto the back of the feline's neck as he gently scratched behind its ears. Lunar looked up and purred deeply. She loved being fawned over. Though she was quite upset that her master still hadn't figured out that she was a girl. He dug her nails into his chest, half out of pleasure and the other half just to torture him. Toshi winced as he felt the nails dig into him. Lunar looked innocently towards the boy and released a mew. 'You silly boy. The pain you feel is your own fault for not getting me shrimp last night. So take it gladly and be happy I don't claw your face.' Toshi sighed as he looked at his pet. It seemed like it was almost doing it on purpose but he quickly threw that thought aside. He was so dense when it came to her, regardless of the countless amount of times she's tried something to prove she was in fact a she.
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Posted: Tue Nov 06, 2012 5:32 pm
Dai the fang Toshi looked up towards the sky as he felt a weight on his chest, pinning him to the earth. He smiled as he looked down at the midnight black cat. He couldn't help the fondness that he felt for this creature after he had taken it in from a port city. He still couldn't tell its gender but he decided that Lunar was a unisex name and worked out until he could discover if it were a boy or girl. He laid his hand gently onto the back of the feline's neck as he gently scratched behind its ears. Lunar looked up and purred deeply. She loved being fawned over. Though she was quite upset that her master still hadn't figured out that she was a girl. He dug her nails into his chest, half out of pleasure and the other half just to torture him. Toshi winced as he felt the nails dig into him. Lunar looked innocently towards the boy and released a mew. 'You silly boy. The pain you feel is your own fault for not getting me shrimp last night. So take it gladly and be happy I don't claw your face.' Toshi sighed as he looked at his pet. It seemed like it was almost doing it on purpose but he quickly threw that thought aside. He was so dense when it came to her, regardless of the countless amount of times she's tried something to prove she was in fact a she. Pass.
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Posted: Sat Dec 29, 2012 3:44 pm
Going to be heavily Warhammer 40k inspired, RP sample:
Lokir looked up from his Laz rifle as the Chaos hordes were charging his position, there were only a handful of imperials left. Astartes were on their way but wether they got there in time to save this planet from the taint that had arrived on it.
As they neared our range we readied our Laz rifles to prepare for the assault... Not an assault more of a massacre, they ran at us with blades and lights robes chanting the chorus of Khorne. Once they got within range of our fire team we opened fire on them as our lasguns beams tore through the enemy lines many of the zealots fell but we could only take so many of them down. Once they got to our barricade they poured over the embankments they began slashing wildly cutting many to ribbons of their former selves. Chanting their chorus "Blood for the blood god, Skulls for the Skull throne" I fired of my last shot of my life and killed a few then the knife was rammed into my throat and my life ended there...
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Posted: Sat Dec 29, 2012 5:04 pm
Greiztoph Going to be heavily Warhammer 40k inspired, RP sample: Lokir looked up from his Laz rifle as the Chaos hordes were charging his position, there were only a handful of imperials left. Astartes were on their way but wether they got there in time to save this planet from the taint that had arrived on it. As they neared our range we readied our Laz rifles to prepare for the assault... Not an assault more of a massacre, they ran at us with blades and lights robes chanting the chorus of Khorne. Once they got within range of our fire team we opened fire on them as our lasguns beams tore through the enemy lines many of the zealots fell but we could only take so many of them down. Once they got to our barricade they poured over the embankments they began slashing wildly cutting many to ribbons of their former selves. Chanting their chorus "Blood for the blood god, Skulls for the Skull throne" I fired of my last shot of my life and killed a few then the knife was rammed into my throat and my life ended there... Pass. Though the top paragraph, complete third person voice and not a hybrid mix, is what you should be aiming for.
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Posted: Sun Dec 30, 2012 8:47 pm
You never forget your first time. Now he had no comparison for that statement, having never asked another if they remembered their first time; there was only his own personal experiences with time travel. He'd been maybe sixteen at the time; a scrawny gangly teenager ranking pretty damn low on his resident high schools social structure. Maybe it was just the shock of his first jump that caused him to remember it so vividly. He'd been getting harassed, he couldn't even remember who it was, maybe it was three of them. He was running for dear life, guess schoolyard bullying seemed pretty life and death when it's happening to you. He rounded a corner, wishing to be anywhere but right where he was, and BAM! Suddenly it was night, and he was in what looked to be an alleyway. Behind him was not a corner, but a solid brick wall; the same brick that seemed to line the alley he was in, the ground was made by some sort of poorly-laid cobble. He banged against the wall he'd just somehow come through, solid as, well, a brick wall. With no other choice he'd ventured down the alley into the darkened street beyond. A nearby street sign read a familiar name, but none of this was familiar, not even in the slightest. Then the world ended. Explosions ripped through the buildings around him; he didn't even remember diving back into the alleyway as all along the street things were blowing up. He raced back to the end of the alleyway, banging against the wall that kept him here, his ears ringing from the sounds of the blasts, all around him the walls shock. That was where the memory ended, maybe you don't really remember you're first time, unless it was quite traumatic. He later found out what had happened; the street he had been on had in fact blown up, over half a century ago, when the Germans bombed London. Guess you really should be careful what you wish for. That would not be the last time such a thing happened to him. As he grew up, Charles Mason would have several more episodes of what could only be called time travel. He could remember a few, but definitely not all of them, and none of them as vividly as his first time. It could have happened yesterday, it could have happened over half a century ago. Time was a funny thing like that. What was also funny was how, after that day, he suddenly became a wiz at world history. ~~~ So where and when am I now? he wondered to himself, the easy answer to that question was to see what was happening around him. The air smelled salty, he was near an ocean. The sounds of hustle and bustle filled his ears, he was near people. It was a town, well most likely what passed as a city in this time period. "Excuse me? I don't mean to bother you but could you give me the news?" He asked a local man; the chances of him speaking English were nil but Charles had learned long ago that whatever force that allowed him to cross time and space also allowed him to cross barriers of communication. It was best to ask for news rather than where or when you were, you were more likely to get an answer. The man gave an excited answer, almost exclaiming it to the world. "So the Princes of Troy have returned... Guess the Greeks aren't too far away then" Charles muttered; why were all his accidental travels -always- to periods of strife and war? At least he wasn't ankle deep in Black Death again. "Excuse me again, do you know where I could get some food?"
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