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House: Do you test drive a car? Do you have sex before marriage? How could I hire someone after a 10 minute interview? What if I don't like having sex with them? xd xd

While talking to Wilson

"...Burry yourself deep within Cuddy's cleavage..."

Dr. Gregory House [to the crowd in the walk-in clinic's waiting area] Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy Short, sweet, grab a file.

Dr. Gregory House This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a bored... certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this hospital who is forced to be here against his will.
[to Lisa]

Dr. Gregory House That is true, isn't it?
[to crowd]

Dr. Gregory House But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine! You can't have any! And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem... but who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me?
[nobody moves]

Dr. Gregory House And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys?
[everybody raises their hand]

Dr. Gregory House Okay, well, I'll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy Jody Matthews?
[Jody raises her hand]

Dr. Lisa Cuddy Please accompany Doctor House to Exam Room One.

All House-isms from Season 4. *credit to www.fox.com* ^_^


“Nothing says thanks for saving my life like a test drive in a car that accelerates as fast as the Space Shuttle.”
- Whatever it Takes

“If I have to walk somewhere, there better be at least five girls involved. And they’d better be working their way through college.”
- Whatever it Takes

“My malpractice insurance doesn’t cover alien autopsies.”
- Whatever it Takes

“Horse chestnuts may look like chestnuts, but they taste like a horse’s lower-than-chest-nuts. Which makes the idea he accidentally ate a couple hundred ridiculous.”
- Whatever it Takes

“Does the ‘I’ in CIA stand for Irony?”
- Whatever it Takes

“I’m sorry, who you gonna marginalize? If it’s the housekeeper, she’s got it coming. Cleaning windows means cleaning both sides.”
- Whatever it Takes

“I know it’d be cool and all but sorry -- the Empire didn’t develop a death toxin to go with their death star.”
- Whatever it Takes

“You gotta get over here. They got a satellite aimed directly into Cuddy’s v****a. I told them the chances of invasion are slim to none, but…”
- Whatever it Takes

“My friends call me ‘The Cane.’ Even before I messed up my leg.”
- Whatever it Takes

“So, um, if I need them, where exactly will Dr. Foreman be keeping my balls?”
- Mirror Mirror

“Did you get a raise, because then you’re a whore. Or didn’t you, because then you’re a stupid whore.”
- Mirror Mirror

“If his name was Attila Von Weinershnitzel I’d say you’re onto something.”
- Mirror Mirror

“Because if you deal with the patient, he’ll start singing Osmonds songs and proposing to five nurses at once.”
- Mirror Mirror

“Any country with that low an age of consent but that high a rate of suicide isn’t thinking straight.”
- Mirror Mirror

“Who here doesn’t have any health insurance? None? None at all? Michael Moore was right. MRI’s, PET scans, neuro-psych tests and private rooms for these patients. Fight the power!”
- Mirror Mirror

“Someone’s gonna be miserable sometime. Accept it. That’s how I stay so happy.”
- Mirror Mirror

“Have you guys heard any of my metaphors yet? Well come on, sit on grandpa’s lap as I tell you how infections are criminals; immune system’s the police. Seriously Grumpy, get up here, it’ll make us both happy.”
- Mirror Mirror

“So now you’ve electrocuted yourself and set a patient on fire. I like the dedication.”
- Mirror Mirror

“People don’t learn; people don’t change. But you did. You’re a freak.”
- Mirror Mirror

“I’m a jerk to everyone. Best way to protect yourself from lawsuits.”
- Guardian Angels

“You actually think I’d take a patient who had a seizure in a funeral home if the ER hadn’t already ruled out embalming fluid?”
- Guardian Angels

“Don’t think of it as digging up a body; think of it as keeping another one from getting buried.”
- Guardian Angels

Cuddy: “Doctor’s lounge is covered in mud.”
House: “Thirteen and Manipulative b***h had a disagreement and the cafeteria was out of jello.”
- Guardian Angels

“Just a little piece of the brain. Seemed a waste, the guy wasn’t using it anymore.”
- Guardian Angels

“Does my breath smell bated to you?”
- Guardian Angels

“I can’t ask the black guy or one of the chicks to do it; it’d be insensitive.”
- Guardian Angels

“Great. The only way he could turn down any more cheeks is by pulling down his pants.”
- Guardian Angels

“You couldn’t let her get to second base to get the test done?”
- Guardian Angels

“If your organs dangle, you’re the confederates. If your sex organs are aesthetically pleasing, you’re the yanks.”
- 97 Seconds

“Do your sex organs dangle, Cutthroat b***h?”
- 97 Seconds

“I wanted to deal with the yelling today because I noticed what you were wearing and I wouldn’t have to listen that closely.”
- 97 Seconds

“So we have a new symptom to explain; why does his throat think his lungs are his stomach?”
- 97 Seconds

“I check this little box and your new roommates are Jesus and Crazy McLoonybin -- that guy never had a chance.”
- 97 Seconds

“Suddenly you’re shy? You pooped your pants in front of me. One of the nasty side-effects of dying.”
- 97 Seconds

“You don’t think non-answers tell me anything?”
- 97 Seconds

“Cervical lymph node is a garbage dump. Very small one; just one truck comes; and it only comes from one home. Al Gore would be appalled.”
- 97 Seconds

“Oh God, I’m tired of hearing that argument. I don’t have to go to Detroit to know it smells.”
- 97 Seconds

“Because if I pooped myself in front of Wilson, I’d never hear the end of it.”
- 97 Seconds

“You many not have legs, but you have ears. I suggest you use them.”
- The Right Stuff

“Oh Yeah, twenty minutes in my office schmoozing about their love of Algerian surfing movies is a much better system.”
- The Right Stuff

Greta: “I’m a Captain in the Air Force; about to start a new assignment. NASA’s astronaut training program.”
House: “I discovered salt and created FM radio.”
- The Right Stuff

“Heeeeeeeeere’s Osama!”
- The Right Stuff

“Seventeen’s a stupid number.”
- The Right Stuff

“Stop it! This argument’s distracting every male and lesbian here.”
- The Right Stuff

“Paging me during Judge Judy -- not a good way to win my affections.”
- The Right Stuff

“So you called me? The guy with one good leg and zero leverage.”
- The Right Stuff

“Luckily violence isn’t the last resort. Extortion is. Go ahead. Extort her.”
- The Right Stuff

“Rational arguments don’t usually work on religious people. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be religious people.”
- The Right Stuff

“It’s a myth that fake hooters blow up at high altitude; she’ll be fine. It is a myth, isn’t it? Just think of it as one giant rack for mankind.”
- The Right Stuff

“Would you condemn this woman to a life where people look at her face when they talk to her?”
- The Right Stuff

“And don’t forget her chesticles.”
- The Right Stuff

“The hair makes you look like a hooker. I like it.”
- The Right Stuff

“I don’t know who’s been gossiping about ethics instead of sex, but hopefully they’re already fired.”
- The Right Stuff

Cuddy: "Where did you come from?"
House: "Apes, if you believe the Democrats."
- Alone

"I'm thinking the broken bones are a response to the building falling on her head."
- Alone

“Interview? You test drive a car before you buy it; you have sex before you get married. I can’t hire a team based on a ten minute interview. What if I don’t like having sex with them?”
- Alone

House: “Are you a fan of symmetry?”
Young Doctor: “Sure.”
House: “Weird, because your eyes are lopsided. And by eyes I mean breasts.”
- Alone

“By the end of six weeks, one of you will be gone. As will twenty-eight more of you. Wear a cup.”
- Alone

House:"Excuse me Miss, do you have cancer?"
Girl: "No..."
House: "Wow, mango juice cures cancer!"

God Wilson's annoying

Deep inside Wilson believes if he cares enough he'll never have to die

House talking to Wilson: Lies are liek children they're hard work because they'll be good for the future.

I just paraphrased a bit not sure

Cuddy:You owe me fifty bucks
House:You owe me half a lapdance