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A Naruto role-playing guild using the d20 system, for semi-lit and above RPers. 

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GilasaurusRex

PostPosted: Fri Nov 11, 2011 3:55 pm


The sun it was at the highest point in the sky. The heat beamed down on Akira, sweat began to pour from his face. Akira continued, to work to try and find steel, smashing his mining pick against the rough stones along side of the mountains. He then fell to the floor from fatigue, he then reached into his back pack and put grab a bottle of water. He then opened the bottle, and put it to his lips, "Wow I never knew water could taste so delicious.". As he continued to drink from the bottle his team mates working with him gave him the evil eye, they saw his throat going back and fourth from each swallow it tormented them to a point where they wanted to drink their water.

His team mates then reached into their bags, feeling around for the water they found nothing. The frantically looked around the mountain side for their water and then looked next to Akira, "OUR WATER". Was screamed in unison as they saw two crushed bottles lying next to him while he continued to mine with a smile on his face. Akira soon realized that they where screaming at him, he dashed along the mountain in a rather silly manner to antagonize them, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" he continued to run and plead for their forgiveness. As the wild goose chase continued he tripped on a tiny pebble causing him to stumble, and roll enough to complete a side walk. As Akira stood up, his legs almost dropped to the ground from the loss of stamina, "Akira you -insert vulgar insult here-" they screamed as they caught up to him. With the world frantically spinning around him he began to feel the need to regurgitate his lunch and his water, he decided to wait until his team mate where in walking distance.

The End
PostPosted: Fri Nov 11, 2011 4:20 pm


GilasaurusRex
The sun it was at the highest point in the sky. As the heat beamed down on Akira, sweat began to pour from his face. Akira continued, to work to try and find steel, smashing his mining pick against the rough stones along side of the mountains. He then fell to the floor from fatigue, he then reached reaching into his back pack and put grabbing a bottle of water. He then opened the bottle, and put it to his lips and thought, "Wow I never knew water could taste so delicious.". As he continued to drink from the bottle his teammates working with him gave him the evil eye, they saw seeing his throat going back and fourth from each swallow it tormented them to a point where they wanted to drink their water.

His teammates then reached into their bags; feeling around for the water, they found nothing. They frantically looked around the mountain side for their water and then looked next to Akira. "OUR WATER" Was They screamed in unison as they saw two crushed bottles lying next to him while he continued to mine with a smile on his face. Akira soon realized that they where screaming at him; he dashed along the mountain in a rather silly manner to antagonize them. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" he said as he continued to run and plead for their forgiveness. As the wild goose chase continued he tripped on a tiny pebble causing him to stumble, and roll enough to complete a side walk. As Akira stood up, his legs almost dropped to the ground from the loss of stamina. "Akira you -insert vulgar insult here-" they screamed as they caught up to him. With the world frantically spinning around him he began to feel the need to regurgitate his lunch and his water, [ insert conjunction here ] he decided to wait until his teammates where were in walking distance.

The End


Looks pretty good. If I might give a bit of advice, mainly just look out for grammar errors like those pointed out above. Overall, I like your writing style and think you're up to the job. Approved smile

NinjaSamurai360


ghost_mercenary

PostPosted: Sat Nov 12, 2011 3:41 am


The night was young as Yertaka bounded through the woods searching for the amulet that his employer had lost on his way home. As unimportant as it seemed they needed to find it, because that amulet was a family heirloom. It had been a long day already and even the coolness of the night could not take away the grogginess. Him and his two teammates had been out most of the day scouring the woods along the path trying to find it, and as of yet they had had no luck. The path was a long one and it had taken his employer the better part of two days to get back home from his visit with his younger brother. Now they just had to hope that a passing traveler had not decided to pick it up. If they didn't find it soon his teacher might start to think they were incompetent. And that was the last thing that any of them wanted. With that on his mind he got on the radio to his teammates and said "hey we need to hurry before Zalesny gets upset at us for taking so long." "Hey Yertaka I think I might have found it. I am about 700m too your north east. Come on over here and take a look and tell me if you think this is it." zach said. Yertaka almost couldn't keep the excitement out of his voice as he replied "alright on my way." He ran over there as quick as he could without losing his cool and when he got there he saw Zach looking at the priceless amulet they had been searching for all day. "Hey good job Zach now lets just let James know and lets head on back." Yertaka said with a huge sigh of triumph. "Hey James we found it. Lets turn around and head back before it gets any darker and we lose any more sleep." So they all turned around and headed on home and from there they all lived happily ever after. The end.
PostPosted: Sat Nov 12, 2011 6:52 am


ghost_mercenary
The night was young as Yertaka bounded through the woods searching for the amulet that his employer had lost on his way home. As unimportant as it seemed they needed to find it, because that amulet was a family heirloom. It had been a long day already and even the coolness of the night could not take away the grogginess. Him and his two teammates had been out most of the day scouring the woods along the path trying to find it, and as of yet they had had no luck. The path was a long one and it had taken his employer the better part of two days to get back home from his visit with his younger brother. Now they just had to hope that a passing traveler had not decided to pick it up. If they didn't find it soon his teacher might start to think they were incompetent. And that was the last thing that any of them wanted. With that on his mind he got on the radio to his teammates and said "hey we need to hurry before Zalesny gets upset at us for taking so long." "Hey Yertaka I think I might have found it. I am about 700m too your north east. Come on over here and take a look and tell me if you think this is it." zach said. Yertaka almost couldn't keep the excitement out of his voice as he replied "alright on my way." He ran over there as quick as he could without losing his cool and when he got there he saw Zach looking at the priceless amulet they had been searching for all day. "Hey good job Zach now lets just let James know and lets head on back." Yertaka said with a huge sigh of triumph. "Hey James we found it. Lets turn around and head back before it gets any darker and we lose any more sleep." So they all turned around and headed on home and from there they all lived happily ever after. The end.


Pretty good job, so that's a pass. Just a few tips for the future though when you have back and forth dialogue break up the block so that the next dialogue line starts on a new line. Also watch out for the "I and my friends" type grammar mistake; I used to do it a lot my self. One final tip when picking to use he or him with the red part above read it without the "and two teammates" to see if it makes sense. Once again though good job. If you have any questions with creating your character or joining a village feel free ask in the questions thread or pm me directly.

Over Yandere
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The Sorting Helmet

O.G. Vampire

PostPosted: Tue Nov 29, 2011 6:10 pm


Purpose

Kenji has been recently made an Oinin of his family and just recently been assigned a mission. Over the recent months, Kenji had been trained to be able to sneak and be able to dispatch a body to leave no trace. Having the knowledge, he knows what spots of the human body to be fatal or non-lethal. The young Fu'kui is put to the task of testing his new found skill to prove his worth. Question is, can he?

Scenario

It's been months since a man has recently turned traitor to the village. He has gone off with sensitive information, making him a target worth killing. Kenji Fu'kui has been ordered to track this target just east of Mount Som and north of the Blessed Forest. Skirting the edges of the forest, Kenji continues his tracking to find out the man has hired help, making the mission much more dangerous. Night lies over the forestry, moon high and Kenji's wide awake. The boy spent the last few days tracing the man, now about to finish his job this very night... At roughly 10:45pm, Kenji disembarks on the final leg of the mission. The target is nearly 3 kiometers east, camping for the night before completing their escape north. With a small group of seven men and the target as well, the mission calls for the man to be killed and the information retrieved.



Kenji darted along the treeline, quickly moving in the shadows of the leaves and slightly illuminated by the shining moon. It was a quiet night, few animals stirred as they were asleep for the the night. The occasional hoot of an owl echoed in the distance. The sound of owls in a forest said there was no one there, if they fell silent...humans.

Kenji had on his usual attire, black hakama and a white tank top; over it was the signature black cloak. Around his waist was a red obi, tied securely in place. The obi looked to be a normal strip of clothing, yet it was a deadly secret. Kenji's silk technique would allow the boy to use the obi like a weapon. The one thing that pulled his outfit together was the pale white mask over his face. The mask itself was made out of porcelain with a spiraling design. It was white and pale blue in color, the eyes were narrow. The face represented a emotionless face, mimicking a Tanuki.

"Ah" Kenji exclaimed quietly, pausing just up in the trees. The soft sound of people talking got his attention. The boy stayed his advance and stared out of his mask. The night vision he possessed was significant as he sought to find the source of the voices. Where are they...? What are people doing here, I thought they were down further. Kenji climbed further up the tree he was in to get a bird's eye view of the area, scanning forestry. The voices were not far off to Kenji as he looked around to pin point their location. They were talking about the forest, and the location of an animal that was particularly endangered... poachers.

Even more reason to do justice.

Finally, minutes later Kenji caught sight of two men. One equipped with a bow, made out of a sapling tree. Typical for a villager to use, since they wouldn't be able to afford a military bow. The other man carried a bag of what seemed to be hunting supplies. Furs of a few animals dangled from their clothing, concluding the boy's assumption just a bit more.

They began to speak more, more information leaked out and Kenji couldn't help but grin. For hunters, they sure were noisy and loose lipped. Kenji used their distraction with each other to move now, moving silently in the trees and pursing his two targets in mind. Like a shadow, the boy manipulated his ink in the cloak to best suit the camouflage needed for woodland in the dark.

The position was reached just behind the two walking, mindlessly babbling idiots. Kenji leaped from spot to spot, darting closer and closer to the men now. Their talking had faded away as the trapped called to the bowman to go on ahead to scout for animal tracks.

The opportunity was great, for Kenji dropped out of the trees like the shadow he was. With a silent tumble the boy quickly shifted the colors in his cloak to match the surroundings. He reached for the silk red obi he wore and laced it around his right arm. Low to the ground, Kenji formed a hand seal with his left hand and prepped the silk technique. In an instant, the red obi stretched out and snagged the man digging for his bear traps. It was unexpected as the silk snagged the man by the neck and also wrapped around his mouth to muffle the screams.

He was dragged back and quickly dispatched with all but a single needle to the neck, severing the spine to the brain. "Die." was the only word Kenji whispered for the man to hear. The sudden groan showed he felt the pain, then death engulfed the life source and dragged his presence into the after-life. One down.

Kenji crawled away from the corpse and shifted under his cloak, hiding once again. The bowman now turned and saw his dead friend. "Hey! You alright!?" he called, running to see if the man was still alive. The Oinin sprang forth off the ground and drew a single shuriken. Four pointed blade with arrowhead points, a deadly weapon. The bowman looked with surprise as Kenji threw off his cloak for the dramatic effect and to confuse the man to decipher what movement was the threat.

The enemy started to nock an arrow, but it was all but too late. The Oinin hurled the weapon with an overhand toss with superior accuracy. The shurken hurled quickly, severing the jugular vein. The spray of blood flew into the air in a fine red mist as the bowman dropped to his knees, eyes wide and filled with the fear of dying. Kenji now stood watching the man keel over, mouth gaping open as the blood flowed from the wound and his mouth.

As the man was dying, he was gurgling the blood flowing into his mouth in a sick gruesome sound. Eventually he bled out and slumped forward in his own blood, lifeless. He didn't even have a chance to gain a hit on his opponent, only to catch a glimpse of the pale white and blue mask. Death was justice for the man's evil deeds to have him pay in the after life.

Kenji formed his hand seals with his hands after retrieving his cloak. The bodies were to be disposed of. The preferred method was Kenji's jutsu. "Wood style: Nourishment of Gaia" he said the jutsu quietly as the local flora flourished at an alarming rate. The grass and other plants rapidly decomposed the body and drew the nourishment into themselves and into the earth to act as fertilizer for future plants. The bodies were drained of blood then dragged into the earth, where the disposal job would be done.

Kenji moved on and sought to continue the chase. If the poachers were here, then the camp of the target was not too far off. The Fu'kui boy simply smiled at the fact of how easily the humans were dispatched. So much training had been done to make him this way, able to eliminate and dispose bodies as if it were Spring cleaning.

The boy pressed on, once again shifting the colors of the cloak to act as the camouflage. Silent movements, quick perception and instinct were the three things Kenji used to his disposal for the job he usually did. Most of his targets were idiots and it was seldom for them to look up or suspect a shadow to be approaching. Besides, who would expect it anyhow?

Not a lesser human, but someone with more experience would have this paranoia. A fellow ninja who also deals with the arts of deception and subterfuge would occasionally see if they were being followed. Why? Because on most occasions, most assassinations occur when the victim least expects it, or victims in some cases such as the poachers.

Kenji wouldn't have this problem with the other poachers, nor had he dealt with another ninja yet. It was his first target that was actually a ninja. A ninja who needed to be killed and brought back with his head, along with any who knew the information he held.

< 1 Hour Past: Current Time: 11:02 PM Weather: Slightly Overcast >

The camp fire came into Kenji's view as he continued along the trees. It was about an hour or so since he officially begun the mission. Two men were dispatched quietly and were eliminated of any trace. The fire the other targets have made was a mistake, giving away their position but it would prove difficult eliminating those still awake. Kenji thought a bit to himself on how to make his next approach.

Meanwhile...

The campfire blazed warming the men in the crisp night time air and illuminated the darkness. The moon was high as the men were wide awake, eating their dinner. With a rough meal of venison and stale bread, they made a stew and drank their ale.

They were having their fun, gambling among themselves and playing cards. While others were counting the furs and kills they made of the area's animals. Ashitaka stood by the fire, smiling his putrid grin as he thought to himself. Everything was going good as he had planned it.

He was a man formally in the village, but recently turned traitor with his men. Now he had a life of crime, making ten times he once did as a warrior. Plus, the ransom he held would be the best pay he would make in his life time. A young girl kidnapped, the daughter of a wealthy man living in the village.

Ashitaka gave another grin as he stared at his men, happy with their food and drink. Celebrating their night, Mitch and Yoru had gone for another round of hunting, eager to collect more for the pay. Though, they had been gone for awhile. Surely no animal would have gotten them, Yoru was a remarkable archer.

The sudden cry of the young woman caught the man's ear. Ashitaka turned around to face his prize. His snake like grin crept across his face as he admired her. "Awake, are ye?" his ragged voice spoke to the girl who was bound by her hands around a stake. She said nothing. The man only laughed as he gave another toothy grin, holding his hand under her chin with adultery intentions in mind. Ashitaka pushed them aside and decided he would wait till the men were asleep, more privacy in his tent.

"You'll catch a fine demand from your parent's Missy, not to mention my contact will pay a considerable sum for this document. Not to mention...other things" he grinned, walking away from the girl as she made an aggressive motion to him, unable to rip that stringy throat of his.

* * *


Kenji crept along the forestry, out of the trees and following the tracks of foot steps. They have caught the Oinin's attention from earlier, curious as to why there were fresher tracks... many more then the original report had said. The boy stayed alert and kept his ears trained on the surroundings.

Owls were still hooting, but the night was dragging on and to Kenji's dismay. The moon was clear as day, bright like a god's eye staring down at him. It would make movement in the open extremely hard unless he took to the shadows or the moon was blocked by a cloud. Even with his skill of stealth and the assistance of the Chemeleon Ink, light was the one thing that killed even the best camouflage.

These men were moving at a considerable pace, judging by the footprints they had left behind. Kenji searched more and concluded a few facts though.

One, these men were completely oblivious that they were being followed, nor would they expect it. They had carelessly progressed their way through the forest, even with their Ninja escort. The man must have been more careless then Kenji had originally thought, this idea that the mission lightened a bit of a burden from his shoulders. Kenji was still nervous about it, and he really didn't want to ******** it all up.

Two, the men had most likely planned to stay for a little while, judging by the numerous traps Kenji had spotted. One was a bear trap, cleverly disguised under a leaf pile. The Fu'kui was just a bit too close of triggering it on himself...that would complicate things. So far, all the traps were safely dismantled and left to dust. No more animals would be troubled by such things.

Kenji made note of the traps and foot prints before pressing on, now getting close to the camp. Anticipation rose in his chest as he began to picture in his mind's eye a few mental scenarios. He was a teenager, thinking of the fantasy he would encounter coming back from the mission. Regarded as a sort of important figure, paid well in coins. But it was all just a fantasy and it had just been another mission, another job for him.

As Kenji pressed on, he stopped shortly. The owls had stopped hooting as some of them flapped off, though with no noise of course. In their place, came the most agonizing cry Kenji had heard. It sounded like nails being scratched across ceramic glasses and babies wailing in a amplified quartet. The painful yowling of an animal pierced the peaceful silence Kenji had came to enjoy.

The boy immediately ran up a tree like a frightened bear cub, drawing his knife in case some animal was in a frenzy. Though the noise had startled the Oinin, he was scared. The screeches continued as Kenji held onto a branch, scanning the forestry the best he could with his heightened eye sight. The cries came from a set location, not too far off as it was rather loud.

A grim feeling washed over the boy as he dropped from the tree and took to the ground. He kept the knife at the ready, but proceeded quickly and quietly. If it wasn't an animal on a rampage...

Kenji broke into a more quicker pace, the cries growing louder with each passing second. The agonizing pain of the animal must have been too much for it. Judging by the sound of it, the animal was most likely a boar. Dangerous beasts with razor tusks that would shred any human in a rampage of the short tempered wild pig.

Kenji entered a small clearing, his body cloaked in the camouflaged ink and hidden by the underbrush's shadow. He heard the cries of the boar twenty feet away. The boy's heart sank as he peered over the leaves and branches to see a massive brown furred boar caught in a trap. The poor thing was wailing in pain as it was caught in a trap, one that had been poorly set up.

A set of metal teeth was clamped down on the pig's flank, binding him to the ground. The boar had been bleeding from the pain of the trap and struggled to get out. It was obvious that the trap was set up this way, made by a sick man to purposely cause an animal such harm. Fury swelled in Kenji as he quickly went to work to try his best to save the animal. Whoever made the trap would suffer justice.

Kenji formed a single hand seal as he ran towards the screaming bore. From his cloak, tendrils of the ink shot out to hold the animal down to prevent the beastie from causing more harm to itself and to Kenji from the wild thrashing he done. The tendrils didn't help, but it would allow Kenji to get to work much quicker.

With great dexterity, the boy approached the trap and dismantled it like it was just another toy. Years of using puppets and using weapons helped Kenji dismantle traps and improve his skill. The animal was free but the bleeding hadn't been stopped.

Kenji formed another hand seal as he placed his hands around the wounds the trap made. He focused his chakra to let his kekkei genkai go to work to stop the bleeding and seal the wounds into scabs. The boar didn't realize the Fu'kui was trying to help and only thought of him as another predator.

Hold still you pig.. Kenji cursed as he worked to heal the boar as it continued to thrash, threatening to break the ink tendrils that held it down. The power of the animal was apparent as it tossed it's head like a flail. Kenji didn't anticipate the movement as he yelped in a quick wave of pain.

The side of the animal's tusk smacked itself to Kenji's head, winding him for a brief moment. However, the animal was healed and it was free from the ink blindings. Kenji leaped away to clear himself from the thrashing furball of blade like tusks, rampaging and looking for Kenji. It soon did as he charged straight for the ninja.

"Sorry little pig, find a new target..." the boy said as he leaped away from the boar to continue his mission.



"Ah!" the sudden cry rang out in the darkness.

It was one of the patrolling guards, giving a sudden yelp before falling limp. The man was dead with a single arrow to the heart, lodged in with a gruesome barbed arrowhead. The attack was silent and quick, save for the man's shout. Kenji moved quickly and silently along the open grassland, his movements concealed in the shadows of the waist high grass and the camouflage cloak.

One of the patrolling guards was dead now, three were left before the main camp was to be attacked. The boy was a shadow, moving quickly with his bow clenched in one hand and an arrow ready with the other. The noise hadn't caught the attention of those in the main camp, but the patrolling guards had caught wind of the trouble.

Kenji didn't bother retrieving the arrow, but he decided to hide in a new location. The body of the dead man would serve to be his bait for one of the guards, while Kenji laid in wait near a vantage point. His eyes trailed along the grass as he nocked the arrow. Kenji spotted one guard rushing for the camp, but the boy couldn't allow that.

The bow creaked as it was drawn back, aiming the cruel looking arrowhead. It was aimed at the fleeing target, but Kenji had the advantage. With both keen accuracy and the ability to see in the darkness, the boy wouldn't miss.

"Good night." the words were short,sweet, and simple as the arrow was sent into the darkness. It struck true as the man was pierced in the back, puncturing his lung. He fell hard from the attack, dying from the lethal shot as the Fugu poison worked its way to the man's heart. Slowly, the wound bled out and the poison ceased the man's airways as it suffocated him. Two down.

Kenji didn't waste time as he drew another arrow and coated it with the signature ink. The last of the two guards were heading for the dead body, to inspect their comrade. The boy nocked the arrow once again and aimed it for the first man, seeking for the throat. Soon, the bow string made a twang sound as the arrow was sent flying.

"Hey! You al--" The guard spoke as he came closer to the body. He was expecting for him to be just asleep, only to find a beige arrow protruding from his chest. The sense of dread clung to the guard as he was about to raise the alarm. Before he could speak, the whistle of air pierced the silence of the night. Death.

The arrow sought to impale the throat of the man, but something more played apart of this little attack. The ink of the arrow released itself and spread out into a wide spread area. It turned the single missile into a buckshot barrage.

Before he could speak, the arrow shot through his neck, severing many blood vessels while continuing on out the other side. His vocal cords were ruptured in the arrow attack, making the man sound like he was rasping, gurgling and snarling all the same time as the blood sprayed out. It left all but a gaping hole as the ink projectiles made their mark as well, riddling the body all over with more holes and blood.

In a mixture of red and black liquids, the guard slumped forward silently. The attack was successful with his partner staring in mortal fear. Kenji watched from afar as he ran through the grass. The bow was holstered as he now drew a single knife to finish off the fourth target. The man had only stared in shock and awe at how quickly his partner had died then and there, a newbie from the looks of it.

Soon, Kenji was on to his prey, leaping from the grass like a pouncing cougar. The man before him could only raise up his arms in and instictive manner, surprised by the stealthy approach. He tried to scream, but no sound came out. Staring at the cloaked figure, death was sure for him as the knife came down faster, and faster.

Kenji tackled the man into the ground with the knife ready to rupture the heart of his prey, but as he came closer, the man was only a child. No older then himself, instead Kenji came up with a different tactic. As the two tumbled into the ground, Kenji effectively overcame him and wrenched away any sort of weapon the boy could use on him. Quickly, the knife was brought down near his neck, the cold steel kissing his warm flesh. Crimson blood oozed slightly out of his skin as Kenji had both his hands ready to end his life.

The cold emotionless mask stared down just inches from the boy's face, Kenji held the knife securely and stared at the eyes. He didn't kill him, nor did he want to. Fear was written all over the guard's face as the hissing cold voice spoke.

"Go home boy. Be lucky I am leaving you alive, go home and do not touch a weapon ever again or I'll kill you. Got that?" Kenji hissed the threat as the boy nodded slightly, not wanting to slit his own throat. With the threat said, Kenji drew the knife away and twirled it so it was in a reverse grip.

CRACK

The boy was knocked unconscious as the pommel of the knife hit his temple. Lesson learned, objective complete. Too much time had been wasted as Kenji slid the knife back into the folds of his cloak and crept further and further to the main camp. The camp fires illuminated the darkness as the men were still enjoying themselves, oblivious to the danger approaching. Though, that was until a single cry echoed in the darkness... A woman...?

Kenji crept closer as he adjusted the ink in his cloak to match the surroundings. The boy was puzzled, there was a woman among these gang of ruffians? What ever would she do with them...?

The sound of a struggle ensued more as Kenji crept closer, it was followed by the cheering and whooping of men. It wasn't from the main group however, it was more closer to the tents, illuminated by a smaller fire. Driven by curiosity, Kenji pressed on and kept towards the edges of the camp, hiding in the shadows.

Kenji paused briefly as he froze in place. The sound of footsteps. The boy didn't dare move, nor did he breath as the foot steps grew louder and louder. Was he going to be discovered already!? No, Kenji shook the thoughts away as he believed himself to be completely concealed. There would be no way... The foot steps grew louder as Kenji heard the mumbling of a grown man. By the sounds of it, he was drunk. A surge of relief washed over Kenji, drunks usually didn't pay attention to detail. He continued to slur as a tinkle sound commenced. So, he was relieving himself.

A satisfied sigh escaped the man as he finished. It wasn't long before the shadow was casted over him. The man gave a low grunt, but Kenji leaped from his hiding place and pounced onto the man's back. Much like a monkey, he latched his legs around his waist, as the forward momentum drove the drunk into the ground. He was about the scream for help, Kenji was quick and decisive, twisting his head around in a sickening crack. In just seconds, he was dead. Kenji rolled off the body and stared down at him. An idea rose in his mind. The Fu'kui, couldn't help but smile.
PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2011 11:49 pm


The idea of using a preface to explain the events of the RP sample is a great idea. However, after I finished reading the post, and re-reading the preface, I'd say a lot could be said about the execution

First, I suggest you leave out the 'Mount Som' and the 'Blessed Forest' segment of the post, or reword it to something more tangible. Like, say... 'fire country' or 'sound country' (geography that Naruto fans should know in general), ooor just plain old 'mountain' and 'forest would be alright. It doesn't do much for someone who isn't familiar as to what a Mount Som or a Blessed Forest is (why they are named that way). Instead, it's rather confusing actually.

Second, so Kenji is around the same age as the boy that he spared. Does he have teammates? A sensei? If so, where are they? Why are they not participating in the mission. If not, why did the village think it'd be a good idea to send a kid all by himself on a mission to deal with a former traitor? And one who has hired help? Wouldn't the mission be more successful if there were more people assigned to it?

It would've been nice to have these details explained in the scenario section. Not having it won't count against your grading, however. It's simply just a bit of feedback if you ever plan on doing something similar to this in the future.

Now, as for the actual RP sample...

Reiko Zena
"Ah" Kenji exclaimed quietly,

Ignoring the lack of punctuation within the quotations, putting 'exclaim' and 'quiet' next to each other is a bit of an oxymoron don't you think?

Reiko Zena
The night vision he possessed was significant as he sought to find the source of the voices. Where are they...? What are people doing here, I thought they were down further. Kenji climbed further up the tree he was in to get a bird's eye view of the area, scanning forestry.

Also, you made a slip here and switched from third person to first person. Not only is first person narrative not allowed in the guild, but the inconsistent perspective is jarring to read. If you don't want to rewrite it so that it is wholly third person, you can italicize Kenji's thoughts while keeping 'I' in that sentence. Making it look like this...

--> The night vision he possessed was significant as he sought to find the source of the voices. Where are they...? What are people doing here? I thought they were down further. Kenji climbed further up the tree he was in to get a bird's eye view of the area, scanning forestry.

Note that I also changed your comma into a question mark.

What are people doing here? = complete sentence.
I thought they were down further. = complete sentence.

Thus, the comma is unnecessary.

Reiko Zena
They were talking about the forest, and the location of an animal that was particularly endangered... poachers.

The poachers are talking about two subjects: the forest and the location of an animal. Unless they are talking about more than two (making that a list), there's no need for the comma that I highlighted.

Reiko Zena
Finally, minutes later Kenji caught sight of two men. One equipped with a bow, made out of a sapling tree.

Structuring here is awkward. I suggest removing the comma because of that indefinite pronoun (one). It'd also be much smoother if you combined the two sentences together.

--> Finally, minutes later, Kenji caught sight of two men, one equipped with a bow made out of a sapling tree.

Reiko Zena
Their talking had faded away as the trapped called to the bowman to go on ahead to scout for animal tracks.

In my first read through, I immediately thought of a trapped animal. Upon reading the rest of the post, it finally clicked as to who you were talking about: the bowman's partner. However, prior to this, you described him as a man carrying hunting supplies. This is very general, as hunting supplies could also include things outside of traps... like camping equipment. So to avoid initial confusion, I suggest re-wording this sentence.

Reiko Zena
Like a shadow, the boy manipulated his ink in the cloak to best suit the camouflage needed for woodland in the dark.

The position was reached just behind the two walking, mindlessly babbling idiots. Kenji leaped from spot to spot, darting closer and closer to the men now. Their talking had faded away as the trapped called to the bowman to go on ahead to scout for animal tracks.

The opportunity was great, for Kenji dropped out of the trees like the shadow he was. With a silent tumble the boy quickly shifted the colors in his cloak to match the surroundings.

A bit redundant here, imo. Especially considering that not much happened in between both highlighted portions. Is there a reason why he has to cloak himself twice?

Reiko Zena
severing the spine to the brain

--> severing the spine from the brain

When you are talking about objects being separated or removed, you want to use 'from' instead of 'to'. 'To' may be used to describe the action of attaching something to something else, which is the opposite of severing body parts.

Reiko Zena
Kenji formed his hand seals with his hands after retrieving his cloak.

If he's making hand seals, then of course he'd be using his hands.

Reiko Zena
Silent movements, quick perception and instinct were the three things Kenji used to his disposal for the job he usually did.

--> Silent movements, quick perception, and instinct were the three things Kenji used to his disposal for the job he usually did.

Again, if more than two items are listed, commas should be placed in between all the listed items except for the very last one (the one after 'and').

Reiko Zena
Because on most occasions, most assassinations occur when the victim least expects it, or victims in some cases such as the poachers.

This is redundant here too, imo. Generally speaking, that is exactly what differentiates an assassination from murder: it's carried out as a surprise attack. So yes, of course an assassination is going to occur when the victim least expects it.

Reiko Zena
The man must have been more careless then Kenji had originally thought, this idea that the mission lightened a bit of a burden from his shoulders.

then vs. than
then = a time marker; used in a sequence of events
than = comparing two objects

ex. She brushed her teeth and then went to bed.
ex. I heard greek yogurt is more healthy than regular yogurt.

You made the mistake of using 'then' instead of 'than' for comparison in another part of your post, so I'm assuming that this wasn't a typo.
Reiko Zena
The man only laughed as he gave another toothy grin, holding his hand under her chin with adultery intentions in mind.

Adultery = noun.
It seems you want to use it to describe 'intentions'. So to turn that noun into an adjective, change it to 'adulterous'.

Reiko Zena
"You'll catch a fine demand from your parent's Missy,

--> "You'll catch a fine demand from your parents', missy,

Unless she actually does have one parent... in which case, ignore what I said and keep it as "parent's". And unless 'missy' is the actual name she goes by, that should be lower case.

Reiko Zena
These men were moving at a considerable pace, judging by the footprints they had left behind. Kenji searched more and concluded a few facts though.

One, these men were completely oblivious that they were being followed, nor would they expect it. They had carelessly progressed their way through the forest, even with their Ninja escort. The man must have been more careless then Kenji had originally thought, this idea that the mission lightened a bit of a burden from his shoulders. Kenji was still nervous about it, and he really didn't want to ******** it all up.

Two, the men had most likely planned to stay for a little while, judging by the numerous traps Kenji had spotted. One was a bear trap, cleverly disguised under a leaf pile. The Fu'kui was just a bit too close of triggering it on himself...that would complicate things. So far, all the traps were safely dismantled and left to dust. No more animals would be troubled by such things.

Kenji made note of the traps and foot prints before pressing on, now getting close to the camp. Anticipation rose in his chest as he began to picture in his mind's eye a few mental scenarios. He was a teenager, thinking of the fantasy he would encounter coming back from the mission. Regarded as a sort of important figure, paid well in coins. But it was all just a fantasy and it had just been another mission, another job for him.

When I was reading this particular passage, I could've sworn that I read this somewhere before. Then I scrolled up, and what do you know...? I did, right before the transition over to Ashitaka. Is this RP sample a series of posts you made in another RP that you copy/pasted over here? Not saying that is a bad thing, but it would explain my confusion if that's true.

Reiko Zena
Hold still you pig.. Kenji cursed as he worked to heal the boar as it continued to thrash, threatening to break the ink tendrils that held it down.

You = second perspective.
So just italicize his thoughts here.

--> Hold still you pig... Kenji cursed as he worked to heal the boar as it continued to thrash, threatening to break the ink tendrils that held it down.

---

And that's it from me as far as corrections go.

There are still many parts in your post that I noticed that could be better. However, I did not cover every single error. Most of them were repeats (such as using 'then' instead of 'than' twice) anyhow. So I basically covered the main and general points I wanted to make.

Your grammar meets guild criteria. However, I suggest paying more attention to punctuation (especially those comma usages).

As for structure, your narrative is a bit inconsistent. Jumping between perspectives or character's POV is fine. But if you're going to put in specific time markers like "11:02 PM" or "10:45pm" to indicate the passing of time, be sure to maintain it for the rest of your post (instead of just putting a general ""). Otherwise, just scrap them as they don't really add all that much to the post.

As for the rest of your post, I like that you keep details central to how Kenji views things (revealing that one of the hired help is younger than he actually appears to be or having him ignorant of the presence of a female among the targets). Your writing is clear and descriptive so it's easy to picture. However, it sometimes feels that the details are a bit redundant.

You did a decent job otherwise, sooo...
You pass. cool

MiniMidget


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 02, 2011 3:52 am


MiniMidget
The idea of using a preface to explain the events of the RP sample is a great idea. However, after I finished reading the post, and re-reading the preface, I'd say a lot could be said about the execution

First, I suggest you leave out the 'Mount Som' and the 'Blessed Forest' segment of the post, or reword it to something more tangible. Like, say... 'fire country' or 'sound country' (geography that Naruto fans should know in general), ooor just plain old 'mountain' and 'forest would be alright. It doesn't do much for someone who isn't familiar as to what a Mount Som or a Blessed Forest is (why they are named that way). Instead, it's rather confusing actually.

Second, so Kenji is around the same age as the boy that he spared. Does he have teammates? A sensei? If so, where are they? Why are they not participating in the mission. If not, why did the village think it'd be a good idea to send a kid all by himself on a mission to deal with a former traitor? And one who has hired help? Wouldn't the mission be more successful if there were more people assigned to it?

It would've been nice to have these details explained in the scenario section. Not having it won't count against your grading, however. It's simply just a bit of feedback if you ever plan on doing something similar to this in the future.

Now, as for the actual RP sample...

Reiko Zena
"Ah" Kenji exclaimed quietly,

Ignoring the lack of punctuation within the quotations, putting 'exclaim' and 'quiet' next to each other is a bit of an oxymoron don't you think?

Reiko Zena
The night vision he possessed was significant as he sought to find the source of the voices. Where are they...? What are people doing here, I thought they were down further. Kenji climbed further up the tree he was in to get a bird's eye view of the area, scanning forestry.

Also, you made a slip here and switched from third person to first person. Not only is first person narrative not allowed in the guild, but the inconsistent perspective is jarring to read. If you don't want to rewrite it so that it is wholly third person, you can italicize Kenji's thoughts while keeping 'I' in that sentence. Making it look like this...

--> The night vision he possessed was significant as he sought to find the source of the voices. Where are they...? What are people doing here? I thought they were down further. Kenji climbed further up the tree he was in to get a bird's eye view of the area, scanning forestry.

Note that I also changed your comma into a question mark.

What are people doing here? = complete sentence.
I thought they were down further. = complete sentence.

Thus, the comma is unnecessary.

Reiko Zena
They were talking about the forest, and the location of an animal that was particularly endangered... poachers.

The poachers are talking about two subjects: the forest and the location of an animal. Unless they are talking about more than two (making that a list), there's no need for the comma that I highlighted.

Reiko Zena
Finally, minutes later Kenji caught sight of two men. One equipped with a bow, made out of a sapling tree.

Structuring here is awkward. I suggest removing the comma because of that indefinite pronoun (one). It'd also be much smoother if you combined the two sentences together.

--> Finally, minutes later, Kenji caught sight of two men, one equipped with a bow made out of a sapling tree.

Reiko Zena
Their talking had faded away as the trapped called to the bowman to go on ahead to scout for animal tracks.

In my first read through, I immediately thought of a trapped animal. Upon reading the rest of the post, it finally clicked as to who you were talking about: the bowman's partner. However, prior to this, you described him as a man carrying hunting supplies. This is very general, as hunting supplies could also include things outside of traps... like camping equipment. So to avoid initial confusion, I suggest re-wording this sentence.

Reiko Zena
Like a shadow, the boy manipulated his ink in the cloak to best suit the camouflage needed for woodland in the dark.

The position was reached just behind the two walking, mindlessly babbling idiots. Kenji leaped from spot to spot, darting closer and closer to the men now. Their talking had faded away as the trapped called to the bowman to go on ahead to scout for animal tracks.

The opportunity was great, for Kenji dropped out of the trees like the shadow he was. With a silent tumble the boy quickly shifted the colors in his cloak to match the surroundings.

A bit redundant here, imo. Especially considering that not much happened in between both highlighted portions. Is there a reason why he has to cloak himself twice?

Reiko Zena
severing the spine to the brain

--> severing the spine from the brain

When you are talking about objects being separated or removed, you want to use 'from' instead of 'to'. 'To' may be used to describe the action of attaching something to something else, which is the opposite of severing body parts.

Reiko Zena
Kenji formed his hand seals with his hands after retrieving his cloak.

If he's making hand seals, then of course he'd be using his hands.

Reiko Zena
Silent movements, quick perception and instinct were the three things Kenji used to his disposal for the job he usually did.

--> Silent movements, quick perception, and instinct were the three things Kenji used to his disposal for the job he usually did.

Again, if more than two items are listed, commas should be placed in between all the listed items except for the very last one (the one after 'and').

Reiko Zena
Because on most occasions, most assassinations occur when the victim least expects it, or victims in some cases such as the poachers.

This is redundant here too, imo. Generally speaking, that is exactly what differentiates an assassination from murder: it's carried out as a surprise attack. So yes, of course an assassination is going to occur when the victim least expects it.

Reiko Zena
The man must have been more careless then Kenji had originally thought, this idea that the mission lightened a bit of a burden from his shoulders.

then vs. than
then = a time marker; used in a sequence of events
than = comparing two objects

ex. She brushed her teeth and then went to bed.
ex. I heard greek yogurt is more healthy than regular yogurt.

You made the mistake of using 'then' instead of 'than' for comparison in another part of your post, so I'm assuming that this wasn't a typo.
Reiko Zena
The man only laughed as he gave another toothy grin, holding his hand under her chin with adultery intentions in mind.

Adultery = noun.
It seems you want to use it to describe 'intentions'. So to turn that noun into an adjective, change it to 'adulterous'.

Reiko Zena
"You'll catch a fine demand from your parent's Missy,

--> "You'll catch a fine demand from your parents', missy,

Unless she actually does have one parent... in which case, ignore what I said and keep it as "parent's". And unless 'missy' is the actual name she goes by, that should be lower case.

Reiko Zena
These men were moving at a considerable pace, judging by the footprints they had left behind. Kenji searched more and concluded a few facts though.

One, these men were completely oblivious that they were being followed, nor would they expect it. They had carelessly progressed their way through the forest, even with their Ninja escort. The man must have been more careless then Kenji had originally thought, this idea that the mission lightened a bit of a burden from his shoulders. Kenji was still nervous about it, and he really didn't want to ******** it all up.

Two, the men had most likely planned to stay for a little while, judging by the numerous traps Kenji had spotted. One was a bear trap, cleverly disguised under a leaf pile. The Fu'kui was just a bit too close of triggering it on himself...that would complicate things. So far, all the traps were safely dismantled and left to dust. No more animals would be troubled by such things.

Kenji made note of the traps and foot prints before pressing on, now getting close to the camp. Anticipation rose in his chest as he began to picture in his mind's eye a few mental scenarios. He was a teenager, thinking of the fantasy he would encounter coming back from the mission. Regarded as a sort of important figure, paid well in coins. But it was all just a fantasy and it had just been another mission, another job for him.

When I was reading this particular passage, I could've sworn that I read this somewhere before. Then I scrolled up, and what do you know...? I did, right before the transition over to Ashitaka. Is this RP sample a series of posts you made in another RP that you copy/pasted over here? Not saying that is a bad thing, but it would explain my confusion if that's true.

Reiko Zena
Hold still you pig.. Kenji cursed as he worked to heal the boar as it continued to thrash, threatening to break the ink tendrils that held it down.

You = second perspective.
So just italicize his thoughts here.

--> Hold still you pig... Kenji cursed as he worked to heal the boar as it continued to thrash, threatening to break the ink tendrils that held it down.

---

And that's it from me as far as corrections go.

There are still many parts in your post that I noticed that could be better. However, I did not cover every single error. Most of them were repeats (such as using 'then' instead of 'than' twice) anyhow. So I basically covered the main and general points I wanted to make.

Your grammar meets guild criteria. However, I suggest paying more attention to punctuation (especially those comma usages).

As for structure, your narrative is a bit inconsistent. Jumping between perspectives or character's POV is fine. But if you're going to put in specific time markers like "11:02 PM" or "10:45pm" to indicate the passing of time, be sure to maintain it for the rest of your post (instead of just putting a general ""). Otherwise, just scrap them as they don't really add all that much to the post.

As for the rest of your post, I like that you keep details central to how Kenji views things (revealing that one of the hired help is younger than he actually appears to be or having him ignorant of the presence of a female among the targets). Your writing is clear and descriptive so it's easy to picture. However, it sometimes feels that the details are a bit redundant.

You did a decent job otherwise, sooo...
You pass. cool


Well, for the first bit of the assessment, the 'Mount Som and Blessed Forest" are not Naruto standard Geography. Actually it's a character from another group in a different guild (The Abyss Ninja Clan). The land he was in was his own. He's a high ranking ninja currently in that guild, and he's already been known to do things in a extraordinary way. ^^; Just wanna make that part clear.

As for the part you read, it is my actual writing, from the guild I mentioned earlier. The Sample is copied from a series a posts (his solo mission) and placed into one. The First Person bit was supposed to be in italics, since it seems a bit choppy, it's because of the three posts the sample consists of.

Anyways, ya point out these things will help my writing in the future. Thanks =w=;
PostPosted: Sun Dec 11, 2011 7:07 pm


Writting Sample:
Esmeralda walked down the long hallway towards her class room. She had spent almost every single day in that room since before she could remember. She looked inside carefully to see that no one was there. She let out a deep sigh. "I am sure going to miss this room." She said walking past the desks and the training dummies. She smiled to herself as she walked past her desk as she ran her fingers across the smooth surface. As she headed toward the door she could hear footsteps comming down the hall. She put her back agaist the door and looked out into the hall to see who it was.

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 12, 2011 12:05 am


anastasia1125
Writting Sample:
Esmeralda walked down the long hallway towards her class room. She had spent almost every single day in that room since before she could remember. She looked inside carefully to see that no one was there. She let out a deep sigh. "I am sure going to miss this room." She said walking past the desks and the training dummies. She smiled to herself as she walked past her desk as she ran her fingers across the smooth surface. As she headed toward the door she could hear footsteps comming down the hall. She put her back agaist the door and looked out into the hall to see who it was.
Pass!
PostPosted: Wed Dec 14, 2011 10:02 am


Kuchii Hyūga from Konoha (hopefully)

Kuchii looked around nervously at all of his classmates, he could feel an uneasy sweat on his brow... "Its graduation time already and everyone else seems so prepared!" Kuchii was unable to sit still and felt like everyone was watching him try and pass his RP test. He took a deep breath and said to himself, "you know what? Its just a test after all, I read the scrolls! I'll be just fine" With new found confidence Kuchii-kun raced through his test and all the stressful sweats were gone!

Kuchii-kun


MiniMidget

PostPosted: Wed Dec 14, 2011 10:31 am


Kuchii-kun

Your sample is a bit too short, imo.
RP posts are supposed to meet 4 full lines (from the left all the way to the right) minimum. Yours was 3 full lines + 1/4.

If you need help adding more filler or more sentences to your posts, look back at scroll #2: adding detail. You could try describing Kuchii's features (since the person grading your post, me, has no clue what he looks like). Or, you can gloss over how he completes his test (Since it takes place a classroom, is his test on paper? If the classroom has a computer, does he type it up?). If you do that, 4 full lines can be a cake walk. And when you are doing training posts (which can get pretty redundant to write), little things like that can help you a long way.

As for grammar, there are a few places were capitalization or punctuation is missing. But it seems to me, to be more like careless mistakes. So be sure to pay more attention to that when you're typing.

One grammar point I need to make...

its vs. it's
its = a possessive pronoun.
it's = a contraction of it is.

ex. The dog had to sleep in the back yard last night; its owner was annoyed by all the barking.
ex. It's not the right thing to do.


This is a common mistake people make, so it's not going to be marked against you. Just be more aware of that when you're writing.
You pass. cool

By the way, the Hyuuga Clan has yet to be revamped to accommodate the current game system (as far as I know of). So you may want to try a different clan that has already been approved. Otherwise, you may have to wait a while before you're able to roll a Hyuuga.
If you have any other questions, feel free to ask in the Chatterbox.
PostPosted: Wed Dec 14, 2011 1:00 pm


The Hyuuga are approved for the current system but they are very restricted. So if/when someone pm's Proto or myself with a profile it better have a good back story and be filled out well.

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 16, 2011 2:29 am


Hmmm, I didn't know what i had to make the Rp About so, i just did the first thing that came to my mind:

Davis walked into the neighborhood grocery store with a list in his hand. He Walked over to were the Karts were to be held but, noticed there were none there. " This place better not be packed" He muttered under his breath. He walked into the main store with his list in his hand. He noticed the old lady handing our free samples. She looked like she didn't want to be want to be here and neither did he. He then walked into the first isle looking up and down the shelf's for the sugar and cake mix he was here for. His grandmother had asked him to run to the store to get these item for the family dinner tonight. He spotted the items he had been searching for and picked them up putting them under his arms and, began his decent to the cashiers. When he got up to where the cashiers were each line had about 7+ people in them. Accept for one. One of these lines however had 1 person in it. Davis noticed this line and quickly mad a dash for the cashier. He then realized he had been racing about 4 other costumers to this near empty cashier. He increased his speed knowing he would be faster then them because he didn't have a kart. As he was approaching the cashier he was about a foot away when the sugar he had under his arm dropped from his underarm. He was forced to stop to pick it up. By the time he turned around from picking up this sugar the line had already had 7+ people. He facepalm'd himself, dropped the sugar and cake mix and walked out of the store.
PostPosted: Thu Dec 22, 2011 11:14 am


Davis Soul Calibur
Hmmm, I didn't know what i had to make the Rp About so, i just did the first thing that came to my mind:

Davis walked into the neighborhood grocery store with a list in his hand. He Walked over to were the Karts were to be held but, noticed there were none there. " This place better not be packed" He muttered under his breath. He walked into the main store with his list in his hand. He noticed the old lady handing our free samples. She looked like she didn't want to be want to be here and neither did he. He then walked into the first isle looking up and down the shelf's for the sugar and cake mix he was here for. His grandmother had asked him to run to the store to get these item for the family dinner tonight. He spotted the items he had been searching for and picked them up putting them under his arms and, began his decent to the cashiers. When he got up to where the cashiers were each line had about 7+ people in them. Accept for one. One of these lines however had 1 person in it. Davis noticed this line and quickly mad a dash for the cashier. He then realized he had been racing about 4 other costumers to this near empty cashier. He increased his speed knowing he would be faster then them because he didn't have a kart. As he was approaching the cashier he was about a foot away when the sugar he had under his arm dropped from his underarm. He was forced to stop to pick it up. By the time he turned around from picking up this sugar the line had already had 7+ people. He facepalm'd himself, dropped the sugar and cake mix and walked out of the store.
Approved. You have a few errors in your writing such as using capital letters when it is not neccesary and also spelling numbers is certainly something you should consider.

Dimi Deiod

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 25, 2011 11:54 am


Just a random sample. Probably not gonna be anywhere what my character's gonna be like.

Scenario: Jacob, a newly graduated chuunin, is taking some time to think about his new position, a little ways from the village.

The sounds of owls were all that could be heard in the enclosure in the forest. Jacob had been coming to this spot for a while now. A few missions back, he had to heal his best friend here. That's how he found it. Since then, he had been coming here to clear his mind and really think about things. Sometimes about girls. Sometimes, just about life. Really anything that could be thought of, he thought of it here.

Jacob had mixed emotions about the exam. For what he was heard, it was pretty hard and he wasn't the best ninja. He had only passed the genin exam because Yori had helped him prepare. This time, he didn't have Yori. This saddened him but, as his teacher always said, 'people move on as life moves on.' While thinking of Yori, a tear formed in his eye. "Why couldn't it have been me? Why did you have to leave us? I would give anything just to be with you now. If there is a god up there, help me."

Just then, a hand was placed on his shoulder. When he looked up, there, was the face of Yuri. It seemed that she had never passed away. Gently, she wiped the tear from his eye and stroked his cheek. Jacob, overcome with happiness, hugged her tightly. "It's alright. I'm sure you will do great in the chuunin exams. I believe in you. I may not be here to help you, but I know that you can do it." Lightly, she planted a kiss on his forehead and disappeared with the wind.

Jacob was left there, wondering if it was the real Yuri or just his imagination playing tricks on him. One thing was for sure, he was more confident in his abilities. "I guess...as long as I remember what she taught me, I'll be fine." Getting up from the rock, he said his goodbyes to the enclosure and walked off to the village. It may have been evening, but he had enough time to do some last minute training before
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